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What do Wal-Mart, a wallet, a stationary bike, a summer camp and Mr. Tumness from Narnia have in common? This podcast. Enjoy James telling the story of a story he tells each year at kids camp.
Big thanks to those who have left us iTunes feedback. Super Big thanks to the “Lucy Sisters” for their great song, “Stole All My Money (and my heart)”.
And Gratz to us! In iTunes Store, click Podcasts, then Comedy… then (wait for it) click once on the right arrow under the “New and Notable” box at the top, in last place, all the way to the right, you’ll see lil ol US! Also just noticed that they added us to the 5th page of Featured Comedy Podcasts (last on the list)! Very cool!
Remember to email in your guess for our new segment “You Ain’t Right” to nobodyslisteningtous@gmail.com with “You Ain’t Right” in the subject line. We’ll reveal the answer and list the names of those who called it right on the next show. Good luck!
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Show Notes
Weekly Update:
- David had a job interview.
- James thought he forgot his wallet when he went to Walmart because he was hyped up on DayQuil. He also tried a spinning class, quit, and called David.
Featured Story: James told a story at church camp about Monkey Island. He retells that story for the listeners today.
News: The new segment “You Ain’t Right” will debut in this episode.
E & V-Mail:
- Leah nearly shot soda out of her nose while listening to the podcast. She also told a story about giving high fives.
- Noelle’s (sp?) brother thinks she’s on drugs because she burst out laughing while listening to the podcast.
- Paul emailed in a story about a homeless guy who wanted some cash.
- The “Lucy Sisters” sing a fantastic story in song format about going to the movies and stealing money.
You Ain’t Right: This segment is a ‘game’ where each of the hosts tells a story, but one of them is lying. The listeners email in to guess which story they think is a lie.
- David tells a story about how he died for five minutes when he was a young child.
- James tells a story about when he worked at Wendy’s. one of the other employees keeled over; James picked her up to help her, but she died in his arms.
Recap Song: We’ll try to keep it funny before we go. The Monkey Man attacked the kids today. How come nobody wants to go to camp anymore? James went to Walmart twice. He went to a spinning class. It’s a terrible thing to be so out of shape. There ain’t nothing funny about this recap song today.
Memorable Moments:
- “Just go and lift a bulldozer with your legs.”
- “We’re not really that funny; we just know how to spin it.”
- “You can’t force creativity. You can’t force GENIUS.”
Full Transcript
[00:08] James: Hey out there podcast people, this is nobody’s listening podcast episode 7 February 7 2007 and I’m James Kenison and my brothers here.
[00:19] David: Hey David I was just thinking it’s pretty weird.
[00:23] James: We got a 7 episode 7th day of the 7th year and I’m 7 years old anyway, this is nobody’s listening and this is where we tell you our funny life stories and hope you’ll do the same and So we always start with a weekly update.
[00:39] David: I don’t have really much of anything like I never do.
[00:41] James: So you mean you didn’t like talk to any pregnant women that weren’t pregnant?
[00:46] David: No, that Lucy had her baby today. No way.
[00:50] James: Yeah. The Lucy from the show last week.
[00:54] David: The Lucy that I know, not the other Lucy.
[00:58] James: You don’t know how many people have emailed or mocked you about that.
[01:02] David: I’ve been checking the forums. I’m like, Lucy, Lucy. Let’s say her name’s Lucy. Yeah.
[01:07] James: You’ve been doing it around the house, too.
[01:08] David: She had her baby. What’s the baby’s name? It’s weird. I can’t pronounce it. Let’s call her Lucy.
[01:13] James: Let’s call her Lucy Junior. Lucy Junior.
[01:16] David: But anyway, I had a job interview today. Yeah.
[01:19] James: How’d it go?
[01:20] David: It went really good. It went really good.
[01:22] James: You feelin’ like, uh… Feelin’ good. Are you gonna be mowin’ yards? Um, no. I just wondered. Little inside joke there.
[01:31] David: Do you know what that mean? Joking.
[01:33] James: Apparently, I, earlier we were recording, just to let you guys know, and I mentioned something about milkshakes and yards, cause I was quoting a song. And I didn’t know that it was bad. Yeah. Cause I’m innocent. I’m an innocent boy. And I still don’t know what it means, so I’m not gonna reference any milkshakes. or milk products on the podcast. And please don’t edumacate me, don’t email me, don’t put it on the forums, because I will delete it, because David says it’s not PG.
[02:00] David: Yeah, it’s not.
[02:01] James: It’s like PGR. So anyway, wow. Anyway, my weekly update, I got a couple. Here’s the first one. Annoying. Because I did an annoying one last week, I’m going to do an annoying one this week. I was going to Walmart to pick up some stuff. I needed some stuff this weekend. And I am very sick and high on NyQuil. I’m feeling like I want to die, but I can’t. Being hopped up on Dayquil, I’m sorry, Dayquil, not Nyquil. Dayquil doesn’t really make you feel better. It just makes it impossible for you to stay, feel like you’re staying sick, like you could just lay around. It makes you feel like a reanimated corpse.
[02:44] David: Like a zombie.
[02:45] James: Like you can’t die, so you might as well get up and walk around. So anyway, I’m in this cloud of haze and I get out and I go to Walmart It’s horrible weather here in the Missouri area stalker proof comment. Yeah And I get finally get there It takes me 15 minutes longer than it should have I get in parking lot halfway to the front reach in my butt pocket No wallet I feel my iPod. I feel my keys. I check all the different areas. No wallet. I get back in the car. I drive all the way home. And I think the only reason why I put up with this and didn’t freak out is because I’m in this vapor cloud of DayQuil.
[03:21] David: You’re in the purple haze.
[03:22] James: And so I go all the way home. I get up the steps. I’m looking around. I can’t find my wallet anywhere. Then I see my iPod on the counter. So I reach up to my pocket where the iPod was. It’s my stinking wallet.
[03:36] David: It was your wallet. Oh my God.
[03:38] James: So I get back in the car and normally I’d be biting holes in the furniture. So I get back in the car though and I just drive back and I go and I make my purchases. So if you’re out there and you can spare a little prayer for my sanity, do that because dude, ain’t much else I can stand this week other than that. So that wasn’t funny, except to y’all who had to mock me. But the other thing is, Dave, the big deal. Matter of fact, this is such a big deal that it almost made the Weekly Story, is that I tried a spinning class.
[04:19] David: Do you want me to do a definition?
[04:20] James: Yeah, tell the folks what a spinning class is.
[04:22] David: A spinning class is when you get on a stationary bike. In hell. From hell. And you spin, like really hard. And you stand up and spin. That means you pedal. You pedal. You’re pedaling, standing up and pedaling sitting down.
[04:36] James: It’s a fancy word for torture you on a stationary bike. Yeah, it’s pretty bad. It’s very bad and so I got on this bike and I I Was Jen Jen my wife was with me and she does this thing all the time. She does all the time She’s like, oh, this would be fun. This would be great. You know, it’s a 50-minute class. No big deal I’m like, okay 50 50 50 minutes 50. No, it’s 50. Oh god. Oh She’s like, ah, it’s no big deal. It’ll be great for you. I’m like, okay. She’s like, yeah, you used to ride bikes and stuff. I’m like, yeah, 10 years ago, I did. Anyway, so I get on this thing and she starts, the lady starts, she turns off the lights, turns on the tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink type music. And she’s like, pedal! So I start pedaling and then she’s like, pedal faster!
[05:21] Speaker 1: Half turn! Turn it up! Turn up the resistance! Stand up!
[05:25] James: And I stand up and I’m pedaling.
[05:26] Speaker 5: And I’m holding on for dear life because I can’t even keep my balance. And she’s like, fingers only! Only use fingers! I’m like, ahh! And then she’s like, sit down! And so I sat down. And she’s like, stand up!
[05:36] James: We’re jumping! I’m like, jumping? It’s on a bike! You know, stationary or not, that’s dangerous! And so, anyway, the last thing Jenna told me before the class started was, please don’t leave. You’ll embarrass me. And I was like, oh, I didn’t know I could leave.
[05:51] David: So I left.
[05:54] James: I unhooked my feet from the torture chamber device and I left in embarrassment. Luckily, there was a back door right next to me and it opened onto a walking track. So I immediately have to shift into fast walking mode. My legs felt like jelly. Dude, I found out I only lasted five minutes. I didn’t even make it through the warmup. I don’t work out, David. I sit and I play World of Warcraft. I sit and I work. I do get up occasionally, but when I go home, I don’t even walk on a treadmill. Going from not working out to doing a spinning class is like not going from not being able to walk to walking on the moon.
[06:35] David: The thing is, I get a call from James.
[06:37] James: That’s quite a jump. I was mad and embarrassed, and I sat down and I called David.
[06:42] David: I get a call from James, and he’s like, hey, what are you doing? Like, oh man, it’s a world. I’m like, did you and Ginny get in a fight? He’s like, no, we’re at the gym and I was spinning. I’m like, you were spinning? Took a spinning class and I quit. Walked out. I was like, James, that’s like hell on wheels, literally. I think we’ll put you in your grave.
[07:06] James: He’s like, I spun. I spun for five minutes. Oh, dude, I was so angry. I just wanted to hate people. So I’m all mad at Jen, you know, cause I’m like, what were you thinking putting me through that? It’s like David saying, it’s like you have to be a marathon runner to run, to be able to spin. So all you guys out there that are like me, you’re not out of shape. You’re just, you just don’t care. Don’t go straight to spinning. Work up to it for 30 years or so.
[07:31] David: Walk, jog, run, ride a bike for 15 years.
[07:33] James: Oh my goodness. Go lift a car. That’s easier. Just go lift a bulldozer with your legs. And you know what? I did it for five minutes. I walked down the steps. I felt like I had noodles for legs. And I felt like the upper part of my thighs were like giant. Like I was gonna hurt people if I walked around. I felt like I was walking like a fawn at the beginning of, what’s that? Narnia. I felt like him, like my thighs are all pointing at the sky. And it was terrible. It was horrible. Mr. Tumnus, that’s what I felt like. Mr. Tumnus, and still hurting. Five minutes, not even five minutes. During the warmup, my wife does the whole thing twice a week. She can kill people. She’s like Chun-Li off Street Fighter.
[08:22] David: Freaking…
[08:23] James: I always love the… She kicks a lot because she doesn’t have a lot of upper arm strength. Good job, Ergie Smith. Anyway, so that’s our weekly update. It lasted longer than normal, but that’s okay. People liked the one podcast that we didn’t keep the timer running on, and that was episode three.
[08:42] David: And we didn’t do it now.
[08:44] James: Anyway, speaking of episode three, you guys like stories about us scaring the mess out of people. I got a story about scaring kids to death. So we’re going to bring you our featured story. Today’s featured story is brought to you by Kellogg’s. Oops, just got sued. No, it’s brought to you by me, James. So anyway, here’s the deal. I’m a kid’s pastor, and that means I deal with children first through fifth grade, and I love them to death, and we take them to camp every year. And I, as you can tell, I’m a storyteller. I like telling stories. And so I try to use my powers for good and not evil. But occasionally it happens. I have to use it for evil. Anyway, we go to this camp and all the boys in the dorm start asking, you know, why is the little place where the dorm is, why is it called Monkey Island? Because there’s this little island. It’s kind of like an island. They have to walk across the Thing to get there is actually a peninsular. They don’t know that. And it’s surrounded by a moat and they call it Monkey Island. And I don’t know why it’s called Monkey Island, but it got my storytelling juices, my creativity going. And I laid in that bed and I spun a tale that was so scary and so horrible. that I cannot tell you today what that story is. A little boy that wasn’t in my church was in this room, and he hyperventilated for over an hour. We thought we were going to have to take him to the emergency room. This was before I was a pastor now, mind you. I was still learning the ropes of dealing with nuggets. I repented of my ways. I never did it again. But the story, in a modified form, has been passed on. by every camp that we’ve ever done. And so that’s the story I’m gonna bring you today. The children’s friendly version of the story, which is still pretty good. Anyway, okay, so here’s the stage. Every year, all the first years, there’s first years and second years, because the second years and third years and fourth years all know about the story, but the first years don’t. And so the kids start talking about the monkey man. The monkey man.
[11:03] David: And they’re like, what about the monkey man? And we all say, don’t tell him. We’re going to tell him tonight.
[11:07] James: So, OK, that evening we get everybody on the floor and we have a flat. We turn off the lights. We have a flashlight and we do not present it like it’s a scary story, because every kid knows you tell scary stories at camp. They don’t care. They start to get defenses up. So what we do is we find that whoever the name of the originator of the camp is, whoever the boss is, and we say, OK, like, say, let’s say, let’s say Lucy. Shut up! We say, Commander Lucy wanted everybody to hear this announcement. So I need you all to sit up straight. I need you to listen. I need you to pay attention. We’re turning off the lights so you guys can focus on me. I’m going to point this flashlight at my face. I need you to listen. And so the kids get all serious, you know, and they’re already a little freaked out. And I start to tell them the story. I’m going to tell you just like I tell them. All right, guys, listen up. Commander Lucy wanted me to bring an announcement to you guys. First thing off the bat, I don’t want you to be scared. The things you’re going to hear may frighten you, but they’re not intended to be scary. Okay? All right. Some of you guys have asked why the island is called Monkey Island. Well, this is the story that before the church bought this property, it was actually a hospital. It was a certain kind of hospital. It was a hospital for people that were mentally ill. Some hospitals are for burn victims. Some are for people that are crippled or can’t walk or need rehabilitation. This was for folks that were irreversibly brain damaged and could not function on their own. And so all these people were left here, but it wasn’t really funded well. They wanted to move to a better facility, so they sold the property to the church. I said they built this dorm to move all of the patients into. So that when they could tear down the hospital, and build the chapel, and build the tennis court, and build the basketball, and build the lunchroom, and they kept these kids here. They made a deal with the church that they would be able to keep these patients here until they found relocations for them. So that freaks them out right away, because they’re like, they stayed in here. And so I said, yeah. So then, once they had gotten everybody moved off, they came into this area and they started converting this into dorms so you guys could stay in it. And when they came in, though, they found one room in the back. that was tore up, that was like had newspapers strewn all over the place and dirty bottles and it was just concrete floors and there was a window broken and they could tell somebody had been living in this room. And the thing is, dude, there is a room that fits that description in the back that was unlocked. It was like behind the showers and all the boys had like peaked in, got freaked out and left sometime during the day. So I knew they knew this room was there and I didn’t, but anyway. So I said, they wondered, did somebody get left behind? One of the patients get left behind. And sure enough, they waited and somebody came crawling through the window. And it turned out that it was Brandon, little Brandon. Brandon was 16 years old. His parents had died in a car crash when he was little, and he was raised by nurses and doctors. He didn’t get great care. He didn’t get bad care, but somebody put a monkey stuffed animal in his crib. And his whole life, he kind of fixated on this monkey that was who he thought was caring for him. And so he began to grow and develop characteristics like a monkey. And he would, he would, when he was happy and he would try to tickle people and he, and he talked like a monkey and acted like a monkey. And, and, and, you know, this was this young man, he was 16 years old. And he, and you know, when they came into the room, he hid in the corner and he started screaming. But eventually an old man, that he’s still here today, he took this guy in and adopted him, and began to raise him as his own son, and gave him a job, and taught him how to be a man, and actually taught him how to speak English, taught him how to feed himself, taught him how to dress, and all this stuff, and actually worked with him and got him out of this mode. I said, boys and girls, the reason why I’m telling you all that story is because Commander Lucy wanted me to let you know that he’s still here today. He’s 42 years old. He’s been working here for all these years. He cleans up the park after you guys go to bed, because he’s normal in almost every way, but he still walks kind of funny, and he has a lot of hair. I said, so what they wanted to tell you is don’t go outside because he will freak you out, not on purpose. He’ll just scare you because you’ll see this hairy dude kind of trolloping around the camp, picking up garbage. I said, but if you do go out and you do see him, even late at night, maybe on your way back from dinner or something, what you need to do is you do not need to scream. Do not scream and do not run. Because what’ll happen is the minute you run, when you scream, he sees that as a hi, as a welcome from the monkey world. And when you run, he thinks you want to play, and he will chase you and tackle you. It will not hurt you, but he will begin to tickle you and play with you, but you’ll think he’s attacking you, and you’ll think he’s trying to get you, and you will scream harder and harder and harder, and he’ll continue to play rougher and rougher until somebody comes and breaks it up. So what I need you to do, guys and girls, Is if you see him, I need you to stop no matter how scared you are, no matter how freaked out you might be, no matter how close he may be to you. You need to stop, you need to wave at him and say, hi Brandon, hi Brandon, and use his real name so he will remember that he’s a person. I just spit on my brother with the person comment. He will remember that he’s a person and he will wave back and then he will keep going on his way. Matter of fact, if he forgets at any time, just do that. Call him by his real name. That is like his cue. He will shift back into human and he will go on about his business because he’s been told not to mess with you guys. Mm-hmm and then and then okay, then I’m like, okay guys, that’s the announcement Okay, remember if you see him wave Brandon, whatever you do No matter what the one thing you can’t do is do not scream and I scream, you know Scream at the top of my lungs the kids a few of them You know and they start laughing and stuff and that wasn’t scary. I know guys that was nothing I’d tell you what, you know what that wasn’t even a true story. I would just mention I’m so stupid I’m so embarrassed and I do it corny on purpose because I don’t want them to I want to get a little scary at him but about the middle of that sentence One of my sidekicks busts in with a monkey mask and starts going, oh my gosh. They’re up in bunk beds, falling out of the bunk beds, screaming, crying, just falling and twisting and trying to get away. And I kid you not, about every time that we do this, when they come busting in, at least one kid who’s the closest to him is scared to death, can’t move, and he’s waving at him saying, hi Brandon, hi Brandon. Turn the monkey man back into human We’ll see the trick is is you you you build them up and then you get this little scare Yeah, and then they’re all calm. They think that was it. That’s nothing. We wasn’t scared of that Boom hit him with a big double whammy and oh my gosh, they go nuts. Oh So if you you guys out there use this use it with caution. Yeah, use it with care. You can kill small children notice that he secretly wasn’t dangerous. There was really no monster. There was no kind of evil. And I’ve never gotten in trouble for telling that story. So anyway, it’s a lot of fun. In the second years, I mean, oh, that’s the last thing I tell them. Okay, first years, now you know the secret. So next year, you’re in the know, and you’ll have to help us out. Anyway, so that’s our feature story for today.
[19:19] David: Hope you liked it. David hated it. I loved it. I love sitting here drinking my cappuccino.
[19:26] James: Anyway, all right. It’s time for news email and voicemails The only news we have is that we have a brand new segment coming up pretty darn soon called you ain’t right Where you don’t tell them about it, babe?
[19:37] David: Basically, it’s a game for y’all me and James will both tell a story Yep, very short brief story and y’all will email in and tell us which one’s lying.
[19:47] James: That’s right Now what you need to do is email that we’ll go through that later but you’ll email to nobodyslistening2us@gmail.com and And somewhere in the subject line, you need to write, you ain’t right. Ain’t is spelled A-I-N apostrophe T. So just in case. All right, we got some emails today, Dave. Yeah. We’re going to have to breeze through them.
[20:08] David: They’re long.
[20:08] James: Yeah, they are kind of long. I’ll read the one from Leah. Leah says I happened upon your podcast a couple days ago, and I’ve since listened to all your episodes And we highly suggest that don’t we Dave yeah, but then you won’t know some of them Yeah, you’ll know what are those things called if you don’t listen you won’t know all the inside jokes Exactly so anyway She says yesterday at work. She nearly shot soda out of her nose by listening on her iPod, and that was cool before So she says, oh, in response to me kicking a one-legged man, she has a story. Basically, a friend of hers, they were going to a bar, and they decided that she was going to be the high-five girl. And so she had to go around all these random people and give them high-fives. And of course when people do that, when you get in silly mode, when you get in stupid mode, you just stick to it and you’re like, I don’t care what people think, I’m going to do it. And so she was going around to everybody, give me a high five, give me a high five. And there was this one last group of guys in the back that she hadn’t gone to and they dared her. She went over there and she’s like, give me a high five, everybody. And everybody gave her high fives to this one dude. and he stuck his beer in under his arm and then gave her a high five and then she realized the reason why she, right as he was lifting her arm, the reason why he was doing that is because he didn’t have but one arm. And she was trying to get him to give a high five with the other arm. And so she felt stupid, but he was really cool about it, just like Dennis was when I kicked him in his bad leg, or in the good leg, actually. Anyway, so yeah, she felt really stupid, but she couldn’t pull her hand down.
[21:47] David: She couldn’t say anything.
[21:48] James: She couldn’t say, I’m sorry, or anything like that. But the cool thing is, Leah says she tells her friend that he was really cool about it, just to make her feel good. And I believe she said that she wanted to refer to her friend as Lucy to protect her identity.
[22:07] David: Oh my gosh. Leah, love you out there. I don’t know where you’re from.
[22:11] James: Yeah, she says this is the funny part at least to me. So my friend, let’s call her Lucy.
[22:15] David: Oh my God. I’m glad y’all make fun of me people.
[22:17] James: So she says love the show. Keep on making me almost shoot beverages out of my nose in a professional work setting. Thank you. Sincerely, Leah. All right, Dave, you got one.
[22:28] David: Okay.
[22:28] James: Good luck on that name. I’m going to say that’s Noelle.
[22:33] David: Noelle. I’ve been there. Okay. Hi, I’m a weekly Murlock listener and I recently downloaded your podcast. It is so funny. I guess it isn’t really a story, but yesterday me and my mom and brother were heading to the movies and I was listening to your podcast. I can’t remember what episode, I think it was like two or three and I just bust out laughing. My brother yelled at me, what the heck’s wrong with you? You on drugs? Maybe I’ll call in sometime. No, Ellie, no. I don’t know. I don’t want to ruin somebody’s name, but…
[23:10] James: This is a girl, I think.
[23:12] David: Yeah.
[23:12] James: But anyway, what the heck’s wrong with you? You want drugs? I say that to David all the time.
[23:17] David: Yeah, one time I told him I was. I had to go to the hospital after that.
[23:22] James: Anyway, Paul from Phoenix. Actually, I don’t know if he’s in Phoenix right now or not. But anyway, he’s a good friend of mine. He emailed a pretty good story in. He says, I’ve got a story that happened last Saturday night. I’m standing outside Alberto’s in downtown Salt Lake City. I think he’s in Utah. And he was minding his own business, and a homeless guy makes his way toward him. The homeless guy says, excuse me, I don’t mean to be a bother, but could you spare some change so I could have something to eat? He says, as you can see, and he showed Pauly this sack of groceries with a few canned goods and rice. He says, I’m going to buy food. I’m not going to spend it on drugs and alcohol. Because that’s the big fear with homeless guys. You give them money, they’ll go spend it on stuff like that. He says, I really did want to help the guy because he seemed legit, but I didn’t have any change. So I told him, look, bro, I’d really like to help you, but I don’t have any change. To which he replied, how about a few bucks then? Well, at this point, I planned on explaining to the guy that the cash I have is set aside for a purpose, and I’d gladly take him inside to buy a burrito. So I tell him, sorry man, all I got is a few twenties that I have to give in the offering at church tonight. Without missing a beat, and before he could offer to buy a burrito, the joker pulls out a wad of cash the size of Andre the Giant’s fist, and says very casually, I got change if you need it. Seriously, he says, this guy should have been buying me a burrito. Needless to say, I just looked at him, tried to not laugh in his face, and told him, sorry, bud, maybe next time. So homeless Joe asked if he could bum a smoke, and he went on his way. Dude, one time I was trying to tell – I don’t know. I work in the inner city and we drive up and down these streets a lot and there’s homeless folks and stuff like that trying to bum money. I was telling a couple of guys in my car, don’t give them money because they’ll spend it on beer. These guys around here spend on beer. That’s not a political statement. It’s just the way it is around here. And they’re like, yeah, people say that, but you know, that’s mean. Well, anyway, dude, no kidding. An hour and a half later, I’m driving home down the same road. And this dude gets off the bus off the metro, and he’s got a 12 pack of beer. And that’s it. I mean, a big old cube of beer. And they’re like, no, No way, you were right, oh my gosh! So, yeah, buy them food. That’s what they need. If that’s what they say on the sign, you know. But anyway, that was our emails.
[25:47] David: We have voicemails now?
[25:48] James: We have a voicemail that I’m going to play right now. It’s actually a voice song and it’s kinda long. I was thinking about saving it for the end, but let’s do it now. This is amazing, dude.
[26:02] Speaker 2: Hi, nobody’s listening, podcast, this is you. I just wanted to leave a message for you guys that I wanted to tell a story at the same time. And I thought that we would, it’s my sister and I, and to keep our anonymity, we’d like to be called the Lucy Sisters. Anyway, we really thought that we would make our story a little more interesting by putting it into the form of a song. And we’re not as good as you guys because we kind of had to steal someone else’s song and use it as part of our song. So basically, we’re going to tell a story about when we were kids. Once again, we’re the Lucy Sisters. So here we go. Thank you.
[26:55] Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. I wanted to go to the movies. I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, but I had no money. Yes, it’s true, I had no Benjamin. So I went up the stairs. I went up the stairs to see what I could find, and I found my sister’s piggy bank all in a line. I don’t know what that means, in a line, but I found the piggy bank. That’s basically what it is. Now I ain’t got no money and no heart. True. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I didn’t think it was a big deal at all. But she was really angry. She was really angry about that bank. Cause I stole all her money. But they stole all my money and stole my heart. I stole all her money. I stole all her money. She’s still kind of angry. She brings it up now and throws it in my face.
[28:34] Speaker 2: Yes, I’m still kind of angry.
[28:37] Speaker 3: She brings it up at all the holidays. She stole all my money. She stole all my money and broke my heart. Yes, I stole all her money. I stole all her money and broke my heart.
[29:01] David: That’s great. That’s great.
[29:03] James: Oh my gosh. Oh, that is amazing. The Lucy Sisters, ladies and gentlemen. Now you see why I didn’t wait.
[29:11] David: Yeah.
[29:11] James: Because that was thinking awesome.
[29:12] David: That was good.
[29:14] James: Oh, dude. Thank you. You guys honor us with your tribute song. You know, that’s the power of music, David.
[29:21] David: I’m blessed.
[29:21] James: You can take an absolutely normal story about a girl stealing her sister’s money and make it the most hilarious thing in the world.
[29:29] David: You can. That’s what we do every day.
[29:30] James: Since we we’re not really that funny. We just know how to spin it. It’s like the prestige. It’s a great trick Yes, the the transferring man, but he didn’t know how to present it transfer was it change transferred transferred man Yeah, weird man for you loved it. I was like I liked it. Anywho. All right, you ain’t right.
[29:52] David: You’re right. Okay.
[29:53] Speaker 1: Oh
[29:54] James: David is gonna tell a story and then I’m gonna tell a story and you have to call it a write-in rather email nobodyslistening2us@gmail.com put you ain’t right in the subject line and tell us who’s lying and who’s who ain’t Who’s telling the truth and who ain’t right and what we will do There’s no prize per se but we will if you’ll include your name or username We will mention you on the next podcast if you were correct.
[30:17] David: Okay. Okay, let’s do it James. I need some bass. I need some bass Okay, here we go I love it. Anyway, here is my story. I died. Sure you did. Tell them the story. I did. Let’s see. Let’s see what happened. When I was young, I was sick. Yeah. I guess I had a fever, I think. I’m going to make it up as I go along. Just tell the story. Yeah, I had a fever. And I got really sick. And mom tried to cool me down and put me in the tub. Because I was a baby, like months. I have no idea. I can’t remember. And I started convulsing. And I died for like five minutes. And then I came back. I saw a really bright light. It was like a deer in headlights. But I didn’t get hit by a car. All right, James, what’s your story?
[31:16] Speaker 1: OK.
[31:19] James: I worked at Wendy’s right after I graduated high school. I had hit a bad patch and I had gotten fired from a job where I was detailing cars because I got hit by one of them. Not one of them, but a car. They didn’t want to risk me on the insurance, so I had to go work at Wendy’s. It was a low point in my life. I was the chef, so I wasn’t that bad.
[31:38] David: The chef at Wendy’s. The chef.
[31:40] James: The grill. I worked the grill. Anyway, so one night – I don’t know why I’m laughing. This is horrible. I guess it’s because I’m not supposed to laugh at something so terrible All right at Wendy’s you you work the grill and there’s somebody that preps the sandwiches. Okay? Ham hot dogs. I mean burgers and all that they they fix it live. That’s why I love Wendy’s It’s all right there. Anyway, dude, she grabs her left arm and keels over and hits the floor just like that lettuce and tomatoes everywhere I go over and I pick her up and Um, Boy Scouts told me I wasn’t supposed to move anybody, but dude, she was, she was just not moving. She wasn’t everything. Anyway. She just looks at me. I’ve had me. She focuses in my eyes and she died right there in my arms. So that, I mean, there’s not much else to tell the damper on the show, James. I know that’s why I was laughing. I was like, why the heck did I pick this story to tell first? But this is an outlet for those kind of stories, the stories that aren’t funny but still happened. So anyway, the ambulance and blah, blah, blah came, but they carried her out. The deal is they didn’t put the sheet over her face because they had to take her out to the front and they didn’t want everybody to think she died. So it was just really trippy. So everybody in the restaurant saw a dead lady. all right anyway that’s called you ain’t right oh yeah you have to figure out which one of us was telling the truth and which one of us wasn’t right all right it’s time for the recap song that what do you want to go with james today anything dude I am ready to get this over with it is 11 o’clock almost shut your mouth yeah we started late tonight One, two, three, four.
[33:19] Speaker 5: It’s the Nobody’s Listening Podcast. We’re so glad you’re here. Sorry the show got over so fast. I know you’d like to hear us a lot longer. Especially the recap song-er It’s so darn somber With the ending we did About the lady dying and David dying as a kid It’s so serious So darn mysterious We’ll try to keep it funny before we go Anyway The monkey man attacked my kids today. He’s not scary, so why is all the kids pooping on themselves on the floor? Hugging each other like they never did before. How come nobody wants to come to camp no more? I don’t understand and I guess I have to kick that man from busting through the door. Yeah, keep it cool. Don’t scare those little guys. And give them nightmares, so they be themselves. Oh my Lord, forgive me, what have I done?
[34:48] James: Hey son, this is the Lord. Why you using your powers like I never told you before? Notice how I have a draw. I’m a good old boy and I want you to use what I gave ya. Use it properly. Don’t scare my little guys. I don’t want them up here sooner than they’re supposed to be.
[35:15] Speaker 5: Anyway, I went to Walmart twice. Twice shy, babe. With my wallet, I just wanted to take it for a ride. I went to a spinning class The only thing I can say is it kicked my butt, oh baby That lady grew horns as soon as she started spinning that bike You know I should have started with a little trike But I should have started with a stationary bike That maybe had some assistance That maybe had a little help from a robot that could push the pedals for me I embarrassed my wife The one I’ve had for most of my adult life. I didn’t mean to, baby. If you’re listening, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. The couch is hurting my back. I’d like to come back inside because my legs hurt. It’s a terrible thing to be so out of shape. Yeah, yeah. It hurts me, baby, to tell you About a monkey man named Brandon He was raised by some handlers His name was not Adam Sandler He wasn’t real, but you thought he was Ain’t nothin’ funny about this recap song today It’s just so late Ain’t nothin’ rhymin’ Ain’t got no time to redo it Anyway
[37:13] James: Thank you folks out there for putting up with this horrible recap song. Just nothing was coming to me today. You know, you can’t force creativity. You can’t force genius. It just comes when it comes and it goes away when it goes away. Anyway, we’d like to thank the weekly Murloc out there. Twmcast.com for just giving us a shout out and helping us out to get some listeners. We love our new wow playing listeners. And if you guys are ever on the Zildjian server, Hook up my character. I’m a 60s rogue Buzz Lightyear fan that’s spelled BZLTYRFN and I am often accused of being a Chinese gold farmer It’s true. But I am not. I’m not. I have never bought gold. I’ve earned my own. And I hardly ever spend it. So I got a lot. But don’t ask me for any. So that was the Zildjian server. But I play on Sinjin a lot on the Alliance side. I’ve got a character named Winterloos. And I am in Michael Murloc’s and Jonathan Murloc’s guild now. So I’m cool. So anyway. Time to go. Check us out. Tell a friend about nlcast.com. Email us at nobodyslistening2us@gmail.com. Check us out on the nobody’s calling line.
[38:25] David: 206-600-5704.
[38:27] James: And check out our forums, man. People are really lighting up those forums. It’s been a lot of fun. Everybody’s being really cool. So put your stories up there and all that good stuff. Bye. Bye. Man, I feel like we cheated the people on the song.
[39:10] Speaker 5: Hate to keep harping on that topic, but spinning is for people that don’t shop at Hot Topic. It’s for people that run marathons.