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This week David tells his own story of a time where boots, an old cooler, an older brother and scissors made for one funny and wet experience. We’re also busting out a new logo, a new theme song and we’re beginning to add segment themes.
Keep your emails and voicemails coming! We love your feedback! We’re looking for stories concerning pets. If you have a weird, crazy or funny story concerning pets (or any animal), email or call in! Check the Contact page for more info.
Till next time…
Highlights
[00:00] New Intro Theme
[00:16] Intro: David coughs a lot
[02:06] Weekly Update: David struggles to park on the ice and snow.
[03:25] Weekly Update: James has a horrible dream about a dropping elevator. Jenna is exposed to a bit of Barney and has no diaper on.
[06:44] Featured Story: David believes that his boots are waterproof. He and his brother, who is standing in a cooler) try to traverse a swamp. David always wins at Paper, Rock, Scissors. David died as a baby.
[11:45] News: New intro. New logo, microphone. Vance leaves us our first iTunes review.
[13:44] Comments from Website: Chris in Phoenix: enjoys the big stories. Loves hearing James sing. Justin in Phoenix: Things aren’t the same without David.
[15:00] David shares story of shooting in the desert and shoots 8 rounds bursting a friend’s eardrum.
[16:16] James tells of a lady who shoots a fake gun way to close to her head during a Glory and the Fire drama.
[18:21] Voicemail: Girl with silly voice loves the show.
[19:15] Voicemail: Jojo the Christian Clown has been praying for us. Doesn’t know if he should like the show or not. Pimps his blog. Jesus made Google.
[21:23] Recap Song: David is mocked for his weekly update. Elevators are scary in nightmares. My baby’s naked again. David doesn’t want to sing. Wearing boots thinking they’re waterproof. John’s going for a swim in a swamp. David’s running to his mom. Thanks Vance for the iTunes review.
[27:45] Closing Comments
[28:28] Outtro theme. James and David argue.
[29:11] Outtake: More recap song. I love spaghetti.
[29:53] Outtake: David tries to sing. James interrupts.
[30:45] Outtake: I would walk 500 miles attempt
[31:10] Outtake: Back to the Future reference
[31:17] Outtake: Talking to Neisha
Notes: New intro theme song, No stories submitted, Mention of releasing the pilot, Our first iTunes review,+
Full Transcript
[00:00] James: How you doing out there folks? Podcast people. This is Nobody’s Listening Podcast with your host James and my brother’s here. Dave.
[00:25] David: I ain’t going to do it like I did last week.
[00:27] James: I’m Davey. There you go. That could be like a thing people look forward to. Good stick.
[00:32] James: Anyway, we are so glad that you are
here with us and this is episode four. on 11-1707,psych,it’s 1-1707. Nobody’s Listening is a podcast where David and I tell stories from our life and we hope that you will do the same. This week we did not get any stories from all of our thousands of wonderful viewers and listeners.
[01:39] James: Mostly listeners.
[01:41] David: Mostly.
[01:41] James: That’s the way we do it. It’s the way we roll. Anyway, we always start with our weekly update. David, what happened this week for you?
[02:08] David: This week, it’s more like 12 hours ago. No, it was like six. I was coming back home, you know, it’s all icy out here in the driveway slant and it’s not flat. So I, you know, my truck’s a little truck. It doesn’t have a lot of weight in the back end. So I came around the corner gave a little gas and I catwalk sideways up the driveway and then you want to comment It’s snowing a lot where we live. Yeah, there’s ice everywhere. I’m not from Phoenix in Florida so I never saw this stuff before but anyway, so I start side like walking up the driveway and I stopped and I started backing down and I turned around started the Narnia lamppost in front of my…
[02:48] James: My brother‑in‑law and my sisters. They have a lamppost. Just like Narnia. With the snow and everything now.
[02:54] David: It does. So it, it was pretty, it was pretty crazy. So I actually had to spin the tires back around. That’s my update.
[03:03] James: So you went up, you went up diagonally.
[03:06] David: Yeah. I, it’s like fishtailing around a corner.
[03:09] James: Holy crap.
[03:11] David: Holy crap. James don’t make me feel like an idiot right now.
[03:14] James: Dude. Oh, yeah. Really? Mine’s not much better.
[03:19] James: So that’s why I’m picking on you.
[03:21] Speaker: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[03:22] James: Mine kind of stinks. Nothing, nothing great happened for me this week at all.
[03:26] David: Okay.
[03:26] James: Pretty much. I slept the entire time. I occasionally got up to go to the bathroom and wash my nether regions. The whole week? And then I went, just about. You slept? I’m lying. No, what did happen though is I had a horrible dream.
[03:39] David: What type of dream was this?
[03:40] James: A dream that somebody was, I was chasing somebody through a building and actually the building I work in and there is an elevator in this building and they went up the elevator and as the elevator was coming down I thought I would save time to catch the guy by taking the stairs. No, by opening the doors like they do in the movies, seeing the empty cavernous hole and climbing up. No, no, no. Actually what happened is the guys go upstairs. I want to save time so I open the doors and there’s the hole and the elevator is coming down and as it does I’m gonna jump on it so I don’t have to wait for it to come down, stop doors open, get in, push the button… I do all that but as I jump the elevator speeds up and drops suddenly and continues to go down this hole and I’m on the ground floor and it’s going down so fast that I’m floating in air and my feet aren’t touching the ground.
[04:37] James: So I reached back to grab the pole and pull my feet down to the ground and I’m like, when am I going to hit the ground? I’m going to die. This is horrible. I didn’t know it was this deep.
[04:47] James: I can’t get out of the hole. And then I woke up.
[04:49] David: I’m glad you woke up before you died.
[04:51] James: Well you know they say if you die in your dreams you die in real life that’s true very true. The only other thing I can think of is my daughter was downstairs, she’s two. She’s learning things every day that last week we reported that she learned to open the door and walk out into the snow in nearly nothing. I don’t want her watching Barney I have a moral issue with Barney but she watches the first couple seconds and so now I’m afraid she’s gonna get an unhealthy addiction to it the same way I did Dallas when I was a kid because I was allowed to watch Dallas but it had an awesome theme song…
[05:49] James: So anyway my daughter you hear the Elma song finish and you hear Barney start and she comes upstairs and she’s kind of taking her time… long story short the girl has no bottoms. No pants, no diaper, she is naked from the waist down just walking around like nobody’s business just like daddy. I’m just kidding.
[06:14] David: It took me for a moment there. Are we still recording live to hard drive or are we still normally talking?
[06:20] James: Anyway, no, she came walking in with no underwear, no pants. And so you know, she’s just been sitting down there in her little chair, her little princess chair naked. And that bothers me now because her little chair has been touched with her booty, you know, and it’s gross. So that is actually halfway funny.
[06:38] David: Yeah.
[06:38] James: So anyway, I can hear your turn now.
[06:41] David: I just stopped. Thanks. And to my featured story. Yeah.
[06:47] David: Yeah, because mine is so much better than everything. My future story is when me and my brother Jonathan we were living in Georgia at the time and back behind the house was like a little swamp… when it rained a lot I got about a foot and a half deep… we believed that if we wore cowboy boots … I freak out.
[07:56] David: I let go of Jonathan. He falls into this mucky, nasty…
[08:00] James: This is a retaining pond behind a high school.
[08:02] David: Disgusting.
[08:03] James: It had trash and dead snakes in it.
[08:05] David: It did? Yeah. Oh God. Probably dead teenagers too.
[08:09] David: Mom was like, what are you doing? As the water is running out of my boots into the kitchen floor. Nothing.
[08:36] David: Uh, nothing. Why is there water in your boots? Nothing.
[08:40] David: I was watering the dog. You know, I make up some crap to get away. Then John comes in carrying the cooler.
[08:45] Speaker: He’s wet. Why’d you leave me? Why’d you leave me?
[08:48] James: And he smells all that nasty swamp water.
[08:51] David: It was horrible.
[08:52] James: He’s got a ring of filth around his shoulders. You thought you had waterproof boots. I thought I had waterproof boots on. That was the beginning of the problem.
[09:25] James: Now the other part I heard you say is you guys matched for it with Paper‑Rock‑Scissors. He lost so he had to get in the boat.
[09:33] James: That was the more risk. I would rather have the more risk.
[09:37] David: I would rather get my shins wet to get my whole body wet.
[09:41] James: Okay. I was just thinking since the boots were probably the least watertight of the two.
[09:46] David: Well, the thing is I always knew what he was going to throw the first time.
[10:25] David: I’m at you for it. Okay. I’ll throw myself off the building. Let’s do it.
[10:29] David: We’re now ready to go.
[10:30] James: Who dies first? There goes one, two, three, four. Okay. Ready?
[10:32] James: Shoot on four. Okay.
[10:33] David: One, two, three, four. See, I got you. One, two, three, four.
[10:40] James: Best out of three dude. Nope. Nope. That was best out of three, you moron.
[10:44] James: No, it was like if you got two. I got paper and he got rock and so he lost.
[10:52] James: Actually, you already died once when you were young. That’s gonna be a story for another podcast and it’s not a funny story. It’s a true story… David died when he was a baby.
[11:03] James: How old was I? Once?
[11:04] David: Yeah.
[11:05] James: Unfortunately, he hasn’t repeated that talent. That was our weekly story.
[11:44] David: I mean, it was short, but it was good.
[11:46] James: It was really funny. I hope you liked it more than my story. We decided we are not going to discuss the weekly story beforehand. We’ll just take turns picking one and go with it.
[11:57] James: It’s fresh. That way we recreate that original cell‑phone call thing that got us going on this podcast anyway.
[12:11] James: So the news part, just real quick, is that we have a new intro. You already heard that. We’ve also got a new logo, which you can see on our website, nlcast.com or through iTunes.
[12:25] James: If you’re registering or subscribing, check it out. I love the serious‑looking logo that, if you look a little closer, definitely carries out the theme. If you have a better idea or you’re an artist and want to show me up, bring it.
[12:41] James: How many are there? I don’t think he heard last week’s podcast before he did that, but Vance, thank you, buddy. You win a post‑it note from our desk with our signatures on it. If that’s not the coolest thing I’ve ever heard of somebody winning, I don’t know what is.
[13:12] David: Me neither. Maybe a trip to Disneyland, but… No.
[13:17] James: Uh‑uh. Maybe? By the time this thing appreciates, and it sells on eBay… appreciates?
[13:23] James: Appreciates, meaning it gains value.
[13:25] David: Oh, yeah, I gotta add that in my vocabulary. Keep going.
[13:27] James: Yeah. By the time it appreciates the centrifugal force of the alleviation of the domination… of the Temporal Libra? Oh, dude.
[13:35] James: It’s not even gonna be centrifugal.
[13:38] David: Yo. Brokey again.
[13:41] James: What? So anyway, read some of the comments we got from our website this week.
[13:44] David: Let’s see, comments, got my friend Kristen Phoenix, I love the show, nice to hear that, a little Dupree, ’cause I stayed with them for a couple months before I moved out here, ’cause I didn’t want to rent.
[14:00] David: It’s never a good shooting day until a good old Dave lets off a full SKS clip into my ear before I can get my earplugs in. Thanks, Dave. Every time I say “what excuse me I couldn’t hear you” I think of you. So what happened? We were not shooting the desert but I live in Phoenix and I just got this new rifle.
[15:03] James: That’s what God made the desert for apparently. Shooting.
[15:06] David: I got this new SKS rifle 7.62×39. I have no idea what that is.
[15:11] James: It’s ten rounds in the clip and… I don’t know what a round is. I put clips in my daughter’s hair sometimes. So… SKS.
[15:20] James: Filled it.
[15:20] David: Clips. I filled it up all ten rounds.
[15:24] James: You don’t know what a freaking murloc is. So kiss my butt.
[15:29] David: In a world where a freaking psycho can have an SKS, I have a gun.
[15:54] James: My goodness that reminds me we got ten minutes but I was in a drama once in Macon, Georgia. It was good drama but there was a suicide scene where a chick was supposed to talk about how she wanted to kill herself. She held a gun the whole time. The first time she ever did it, she was awesome, tears were coming out of her eyes, she screamed at the right time. It was chilling. She put the gun to her head and… boom… she pulled the trigger. Turns out she wasn’t supposed to actually shoot herself; the lights were supposed to go out, a stagehand was supposed to grab the gun, step back two feet, pull the trigger so the crowd saw a flash. She didn’t, nobody told her, and she blew that thing off. She probably had powder burn. She had side‑burns, so you couldn’t really tell. Just kidding.
[17:15] James: On both sides of her ear were like donut hair, like Princess Leia with a hole in the middle. Anyway, she still went on to do the show. The great thing was that they didn’t have to pull the gun back next time. She couldn’t hear it.
[18:10] James: Yes, Sally. We did it three minutes ago. My right blinker’s not working anymore. I turn it and I don’t hear anything.
[18:15] James: It’s just not safe to drive.
[18:22] James: First voicemail, from a new listener.
[18:27] Speaker: Hello, this is Stephanie Filipapa from the north side of Iowa. I just wanted to let you know that I love your podcast. The story you told last week about the guys in the basement with the scary voice was awesome. Keep it up, keep it coming, and keep singing the wrap‑up at the end. Bye.
[19:03] James: North side of Iowa. Where’s that at? It’s on the upper side of the state.
[19:09] Speaker: Yes.
[19:15] James: Here’s our other voicemail.
[19:20] David: Just wait.
[19:21] Speaker: Hello, this is Jo‑Jo the Quicksand Clown. Sorry I haven’t called in a while. I’ve been praying for your souls since our last confrontation. I don’t know if I’m hating your podcast or falling in love with it, which is immoral and makes me want to shave my head, bury myself in ashes and sackcloth. If you want to send offerings, go to jojothechristianclown.com or check out my blog.
[20:30] Speaker: I have a blog. B‑L‑O‑G. Google it.
[20:38] Speaker: Google. Jesus made Google. Jesus what? Who?
[20:48] Speaker: I feel cool. I feel really cool all of a sudden.
[20:52] Speaker: See ya.
[20:59] David: Bye bye.
[21:04] James: Oh my goodness. That was the funniest thing I ever heard in my life.
[21:07] David: Not me.
[21:08] James: Okay. Well, Jo‑Jo, we’re glad you’re out there. I hope you fall in love with our podcast and keep praying for us, because Lord knows we need it. As a friend of mine says, keep praying for us.
[21:20] James: We’ll get worse. David’s time for the recap song.
[21:26] David: I’m thinking a… I don’t know what I’m thinking. Every chord I say that’s deep, dark, and seductive, you’re like, that’s so bright.
[21:33] Speaker: That’s so happy and cheery.
[21:35] David: We have some normal stuff?
[21:36] Speaker: Chicka‑bop. Boom, tap, tap, boom.
[21:48] James: Chicka‑bop, chicka‑bop. All right, here we go. David actually had a good recap story today.
[22:00] Speaker: I’m sorry I dissed you… It’s okay James, I forgive you. You went up diagonally, surprised I didn’t make the news. It’s so interesting to hear how you don’t know how to drive on the ice.
[22:17] Speaker: You need to go back to Phoenix; it’s nice in winter and spring. You think you won a beauty contest. You think you did something better than the rest, but you just drove diagonally up an incline.
[22:42] Speaker: Can’t help it if you don’t know how to drive real fine.
[22:48] James: All right, your turn. I got nothing.
[22:52] David: Do I ever have anything?
[23:23] Speaker: Tucked away underneath the blankets all snug in my underwear I chased a guy up into a part of the building I’d never been to and thought I’d jump on the ride of my life but all I did was fall… and then I woke up. My babe is naked again.
[24:05] Speaker: It’s terrible to find that her princess chair has a little smudge under there. It’s gross, but not as gross as this recap song.
[24:27] James: Probably the worst of several. Anyway, David, you want to do the story?
[24:36] David: No.
[24:37] James: I want to give you a chance to sing. People need to hear you. How much time we got? We got minutes.
[25:38] Speaker: Wearing some boots, thinking they’re waterproof. Paper‑rock‑scissors. Why do you always throw scissors? You’d think you weren’t my brother but rather my little sister.
[26:25] Speaker: The way you always do the same thing. That’s why you’re getting into the cooler. I’d give you a little push until my boots go whoosh and the bugs come in and then you’re swimming with a dead raccoon… I’m running to my mom, she says why’s the floor so wet, my son? I say I was feeding the dogs… they needed rotten raccoon hides… Jonathan runs in mad, cussed… thank you Vance for leaving us an iTunes review.
[27:12] James: I wish you could see what I could see. I think I’m done. I’m gonna be depressed, move to a monastery, see the Statue of Liberty… I’ve got to pee. Amen.
[28:06] David: That’s a good word, dude.
[28:07] James: I felt that in my heart.
[28:08] David: I’m on one knee here.
[28:09] James: So we’ll see you guys later. Even though the main reason people need to tell others about this podcast is the simple truth that nobody’s listening.
[28:23] James: The reason why people need to tell other people about this podcast is the simple truth: nobody’s listening.
[28:31] David: I’m looking right at you. Yeah, you’re not saying we’re doing the nobody’s listening live. What is the signal for nobody’s listening? I don’t know.
[28:38] David: Nobody’s listening.
[28:38] James: I’m not going to say, “Hey everybody, ignore this part of the speaking system today.”
[29:12] Speaker: It’s a different kind of song. It’s really cool and way too long. I didn’t know you knew power chords. Your talent is straight from the Lord.
[29:26] Speaker: I think you just screw it up. I think you make a man want to jump. I think I want to die on the floor.
[29:36] James: I love spaghetti.
[29:38] Speaker: I love spaghetti. I love meatballs. I’ve given in this week.
[29:45] Speaker: I love them all the time. I like to throw them outside on the tennis court.
[29:52] James: Your turn.
[29:54] David: Come on. I started mine.
[30:03] James: Do something. There once was a live man.
[30:11] David: Dude, I just got a cramp in my calves because I was flexing out of pure hatred.
[30:16] Speaker: My knee bent backwards. I’m still hurting. It feels like my tendon, my coccyx or something.
[30:37] David: Where’s your coccyx ever again?
[30:40] James: Do your song, no, we’re done seriously.
[30:57] James: When I wake up, I’ll be the man that wakes up next to you.
[31:03] Speaker: I would walk 500 miles and I would walk— I forgot the next chord!
[31:10] James: Remember, you gotta get the change. It’s a blues riff in B. Watch me for the changes and try to keep up.
[31:17] James: Hey Nisha, how are you doing today?
[31:18] Speaker: I’m good, how are you?
[31:20] James: Welcome to Nobody’s Listening.
[31:20] Speaker: All right.
[31:26] Speaker: I just turned 20.
[31:27] James: Just turned 27. Wow.
[31:33] David: Anyway, so I don’t have a mic.
[31:38] James: That Story Show.