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James shares his review of a trampoline park and the ai generated reply from the owner. A listener from Ireland tries to hire a spider. A father chases off a boy with a baseball bat. Alex’s ancestors helped swallow a southern city. A teacher gets asked if she’s a Karen. Julia tries to drive before she wakes up.
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Full Transcript:
This is that story show where we secretly think middle schoolers really aren’t all that bad. Hey, podcast people. I’m your host. My name is James Kettison.
And I’m John Steinklauber. And this week on that story show, a listener from Ireland tries to hire a spider. James shares his review of a trampoline park. A father chases off a boy with a baseball bat. Alex’s ancestors helped swallow a southern city. A teacher gets asked if she’s a Karen. Uh-oh. Julia tries to drive before she wakes up. And for the bonus, Robin’s granddaughter is selling good drugs at school. And Eden brings us some homeschool drama.
Oh, man. Sounds like a good show. I was lying earlier when I said that we think middle schoolers aren’t that bad. They’re, they’re the worst. They are not, they’re, They’re developing. But there’s such a spectrum of middle schoolers, John. Have you ever met? I recently hung out with my nephew and he’s a sixth grader and he’s still a kid. But then you meet a kid coming out of eighth grade and they’re like a totally different species.
Yeah, there’s a lot that goes on in those few years.
Yes, yes. Like they start taking care of themselves most of the time, brushing their hair, caring about their haircut. Yeah, deodorant and stuff. You don’t have to tell them to take a shower. Like my nephew, I think the whole weekend we were there, he showered once and it was only after my wife had to yell at him. Like his parents were asleep and she took her opportunity to slip in and Yeah She’s like dude we could smell you You went wow you bet you went mountain biking with us this morning. You smell like sweat. Go, go
take a shower. She said, and you soap. And I’m like, get your crevices, boy.
How did he take that?
He just did it because he’s in sixth grade. But if he was in eighth grade,
he would have. He would have
taken care of it himself. Or yes, he would have gotten very offended and embarrassed. Oh, it would have been he would have written an Evo Emo album or something. They told me to shower and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to. I don’t even know what not their place
Is that could I be an emo singer
I don’t know I you know honestly I couldn’t name 1 emo band. Like is My Chemical Romance emo?
I don’t know. I always thought of, not angels and where, Blink 182 is kind of like the introductory to be like the-
Are they really though?
But I don’t think they are. They’re pop punk. Yeah, they are more punk, aren’t
they? They very much are.
I’m not sure really how…
I missed the emo thing. I just skipped right over it.
Yeah, I was totally…
I mean, I remember seeing the goths and then there were the emo kids.
Yeah. And, and I always thought they were the same
because I was outside of
both of those circles. No,
you have to grow your hair down over half your face. You have to look very melancholy. You have to have your heart broken. You have to be ready to cry.
You have to have a belt with a lot of metal
on it. And a white belt, a big
white belt. Yep. Skinny jeans.
Yes. Girls’ jeans, actually.
Girls’
stuff. The early adopters wore girls’ jeans until skinny jeans became a thing. Which true. It’s very true. Yeah. Rockstar Paul was my introduction to that, that whole concept. Yeah.
Was he emo?
No, he was punk, but there’s a blending there. You know, it’s a spectrum.
You’re right. And the emo and yeah, sometimes they kind of meld a
little bit. But like back in the ska punk days, there was also a third option called hardcore.
And- hardcore.
Yeah. And so you’d go to a, a show and sometimes a punk band would play a ska band would play and a hardcore band would play. And, and you just didn’t care. Cause it was kind of all good, You know, it was all good. So, but middle schoolers just to come full circle, not good. Not good.
Such a wide spectrum.
Yeah. Now middle schoolers, I got to say, I got to give them a little love because they’re the ones that review us on iTunes Some of the weirdest reviews we ever get but they’ll do it man They’re like if you read this on the show say cowabunga and I’m like, I’m never reading that 1 on the show and I’m never going to say Cowabunga, even though I guess I just did. But you did it. That was review that came in 3 years ago. But no, we are the masters of middle schoolers from all over the world
actually.
Oh
yeah. Cause I get reviews from all over the planet and we’re good in all age ranges. The 30 plus, 40 plus, 20 plus, I would have never guessed, but a good chunk of them are young, 13 plus, and they have no money. So they just, but they love the show. They love the show.
We love them.
Okay. John says he loves you. I I tolerate you. I tolerate you. This show is for people that wash themselves without having to be told. Okay. We all start somewhere. Yeah, I know.
Let this be your official beginning point.
Yeah. Just, just, there’s just a few areas, middle schoolers, boys, specifically we’re talking about here because girls are smarter and more grown than boys. But so middle school boys, wash behind your ears. I used to think that was just something moms said on old fashioned TV shows, But the back of your ears will stink. That’s true. Wash out your belly button. Wash your neck, the back and the front. Obviously, wash the parts that make you a boy. And wash the backside, your tailpipe. Get in there. Get in there and clean it out. And your feet. But
preferably wash your face before most of that. You don’t want to be digging for diamonds and then washing your face after. So,
yeah. And don’t do like I did when I was a kid. I would wash my hair with shampoo and just let the soap run down my body and say,
that’s good enough. That’s good enough.
Yeah, it doesn’t work. Doesn’t work. So, So
1 time I got in a loop. You ever got in a loop while you’re washing your hair? If you follow the directions, you will get stuck in a time loop because it says, wet your head and says, apply to your hair, work into a rich lather, rinse, repeat. So there you go. I did it. Really? Yes. Rinse and repeat.
I’ve never read the instructions.
Yeah. So you get stuck in a time loop. I did it like 10 times 1 time just to see. Doesn’t say
how many times to
repeat. No, it never. You did it right. It never says stop, it just says repeat. You’re the 1 with hair too, so. That’s true. But I guess it’s worked, you know? Cause it’s mostly still even the original color. Man, I got a good point. I got it
going on. That’s why you read the instructions, kids.
That’s right. Rinse and repeat. Just keep washing your hair until it either falls out like John or it turns into a proud crown of glory for yourself that you should cover before you pray. All right. We always start with an opening story. This one’s called Hire a Spider and it’s from Sniha. I don’t know. From Cork,
Ireland.
I’ve never
seen that name before.
Sniha, I don’t know. It’s a new 1 for me. Hi, I’m Sniha living in Ireland with my husband. I’ve been enjoying your podcast for the last few weeks as the way it starts. It’s always good upfront. It’s always good at the beginning. So here’s my story. This is something that happened right around the time I started listening to your show. My husband and I are plant enthusiasts, or I should say plant hoarders in our tiny apartment. Well, you got to breathe somehow.
That’s right. You probably have the cleanest air in all of Cork, Ireland.
Lately, our indoor garden has been under attack by aphids. Oh my goodness.
Those little jerks.
And we’ve tried every DIY remedy under the sun and none of them worked. So basically you tried everything but poison. Well, you don’t want to kill plants. Right. But surely there’s an aphid spray that’s available down the street that they didn’t try. They wanted, they got on internet and they said, internet, is there a way to humanely rid us of the aphids? And the internet said, sure. In the 1800s, before aphids evolved into the species they are today, we would put salt or soap flakes on our on our tomatoes. And so they got some soap flakes.
They ordered them on Amazon and they were homemade custom bespoke. Bespoke soap flakes. Soap flakes. And It didn’t work.
Crafted in the old way.
Just like bespoke deodorant doesn’t
work. I’m going to have to ask you how you know that.
Because I have hugged people that are naturalists. They go for the oils, the essential ones that I went without for most of my life before I found out they were essential. And they pay like 20 dollars a stick for this stuff and you hug them and it smells like you’re hugging a wet dog. Except it hurts your nose. You know, I’m talking about B.O. When it’s so bad and you can’t smell yourself. They don’t know. They don’t know, but it doesn’t work. So anyway, where was I? Where was I going? Oh, that they were trying natural
remedies is my whole point.
That’s what you were speculating.
Yeah. Well, she said every DIY remedy. So, you know,
oh, gotcha.
Yeah. Then 1 faithful day, we spotted a tiny spider lurking near another plant in our desperation to get rid of the athids. We thought, why not recruit this little guy as a plant protector? I never thought of that when I look at a spider. Matter of fact, I was watching TV and the cutest little spider in the world jumped up over my finger and I looked at that Joker and I killed him so fast. It wasn’t funny. Cutest thing I ever saw. But he died. I killed him dead. He he had big broad. I don’t know
his eyes or what. They had little little mandibles and stuff. And he was a little furry and he is tiny little round guy and his whole body was like a half centimeter wide. But cutest thing ever. It was like he was looking right at me like, hi, can we be friends? I was like, heck no. Squish, boink.
Well, geez.
And it was that kind of squish where I didn’t really think it all the way through because I didn’t know where he landed.
Oh
yeah. So I had to get up and like do a spider dance to make sure that he was not touching me. So, I, I, yeah, I don’t think about spiders is I don’t buy it that they’re, they’re useful. People are like, let the spiders live in your home. Just let them live there and they will take care of the bugs. I’ve never seen that. I’ve never, you would think out of all the years of walking into a dark kitchen, turning on the lights, you know, I’ve seen roaches scatter in my childhood. I’ve seen water bugs and
stuff do their thing. I’ve never caught a spider in the middle of protecting me from a fly or something.
It’s because they’re like ninjas. They hide and they
capture things. No, they, they spread a web. I’ve never seen 1 full of bugs that I didn’t want in the house. I just see the web that I don’t want in the house.
Yeah, like
behind the motion protector for my security system, you know, it’s like there’s no bugs going back there. What the freak? I think I think spiders have is all fooled. Anyway, I’m anti spider. So they’re trying to hire this spider. So we tried to gently nudge it toward the aphid infested plant. Instead of scuttling to its new job, The spider immediately balled itself up, playing dead like a dramatic soap opera star. So, yeah. So we were persistent, though. We kept trying to coax it onto a piece of paper to Transfer it. You’re way too nice. I would
just like lick my finger and touch the spider and then flick it over into
the plant. What’s the point of licking your
finger? So it would have something to stick to maybe? I don’t know.
Okay, I got you.
You know, I don’t want to pinch it. I thought it through before I said it. I was like, tweezers. No, that would be too harsh. Fingers. No, that would be too gross. Let me just see if I could dab it up. You know, Like when you’re trying to pick up a
little piece of paper,
a little piece of glitter with your finger, you could just lick your finger and pick up the glitter or the sequin, a sequin, that’s a good way to do it. Sometimes you can’t get a freaking penny up off the counter, Lick that finger and stick it to that dime and it’ll, it’ll pop right up. But anyway, like a dramatic villain coming back to life, the spider sprang into action. It stretched its legs out, puffed itself up and gave the most intense, albeit tidy threat to display. I wish it could speak. Don’t bother me. If looks could
kill. Well, we wouldn’t be dead because the spider was less than 2 Smith centimeters long. That is a big spider. But it sure thought it was terrifying. Dude, that spider that jumped on my finger gave me the cutest. He was trying to win your heart. He was. He was like, I’ve been climbing up this dude most of the day. Finally, we shall be friends. Nope. I just need to land in the right spot. Perhaps he gets his attention. Perhaps we will make Google shorts together. My new friend and I, nope, he died. It sure thought it
was terrifying. After a few more failed attempts at spider relocation, we finally got it onto the aphid infested plant. The spider probably exhausted from its big performance decided to settle in and do its job anyway We had a good laugh at the tiny creatures failed attempt to intimidate us So that’s a funny story
I’m not waiting for a punchline I I want to know if it worked.
Well, he said he got to got busy, settled in and did his job.
Settled in. OK. Aphids, man. Do your plants still have aphids? Do as have they gotten
as the spider acquired more friends?
Yeah. Is these here’s a real question. Does your plant, all of your plants that you seem to love to hoard, do they have like a network of webs across them?
Yeah, that would be pretty attractive. Does it be it wouldn’t be the worldwide Web. It would just be the iron.
Be a local.
Like a local network. Yeah.
Yeah. Local area web. Yeah. It’s the law.
A LAN. Oh, LAN. Law. Yeah, you’re right. You’re right. So a web, it would be a WAB.
The WAB.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. But yeah, I mean, I can see if you were there, a little spider trying to get tough. I would get tough with you if you were bugging me in those. I don’t want to eat now. I’m hungry. You were begging me in those precious Irish accents. I would be like, you know, please little spider come, come do what we want you to do. I don’t know. Come eat the aphids I
don’t know. That’s an Irish, an Irish Canadian.
I used to be able to do it. Now I’ve forgotten how. It’s like singing and talking at the same time. You have to be, How are you doing James? How are you be? If you want me to say ukulele, ask me to say ukulele. There it goes.
There you go.
Ask me to say ukulele. Ukulele. Ukulele. Ukulele. Come on spider. Come on over and eat these aphids. Yeah. I don’t know what they say instead of a but.
A I.
Okay. So question question. Did all pirates talk like that? Or is it fake and made for Hollywood? And then were there people that talk like that that weren’t pirates?
You know
what I’m saying?
Shiver me timberscaliwags. That’s a good question. I’m…
What do you think? I don’t know.
I think pirates. I think that they spoke whatever language they were pirating from.
OK, OK.
Because, you know, you probably had Spanish pirates.
Right.
And you had, you know. But but the
popular ones, you know, were the pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, they were white dudes from probably Britain or America. Yeah. And they’re sailing the 7 seas and they’re, they’re are mighty. I mean, that came from somewhere.
Yeah. It’s like a stereotype. It’s a pirate stereotype, like the real spy pirates back then, they’re probably like, why do they make us sound like we’re a scallywags scum?
They all talk like
7 seas.
So you’re saying they sound like Johnny Depp is what you’re saying. They did a Johnny Depp Jack Sparrow accent.
Yeah, well, that’s right. Jack Sparrow. He’s a fellow that you just…
You have heard of me. Too much rum. You have heard of me. Yeah. So, It’s 1 of my favorite lines in the whole movie. But no, I just imagine this guy walking around and he’s trying to get something to eat. And he’s like, ah, lassie, give me a pint of rum And the best sandwich in the back, you know, I guess sandwiches are a thing and ah and everybody’s like oh crap It’s a pirate. No, no, no, I I’m not a pirate. No you are we can hear it in your voice. I promise I’m not a
pirate. I’ll walk the plank to prove it. And they’re like, I’m an accountant actually. I like counting numbers. We’re we’re going to hang you anyhow. Oh, good God, don’t do that. So
a box be a pony.
If you think that I will be walking the plank for such nonsense. And then God help him if he just has a random pirate, a pirate pet, like a freaking, you know, just a random bird. It’s not even a full-blown parrot. Bird is just a parakeet. You know, he got it from his mom.
I didn’t even want it. This is Polly.
That’s a pirate bird name. We’re going to string you up for piracy. I’ve got a wooden leg, but I’ve lived here. I’ve lived here in town for years. Yeah. But how did you get
a wooden leg? If you’re such a good account.
Oh man. Oh,
she probably turned that into a skit someday.
Oh, just reminded of the joke from Mary Poppins. Did you hear about? Yeah, there’s a Mary Poppins joke. It’s at the end. It’s what makes the old man die laughing at the end. He says, have you ever heard of the guy with the wooden leg named Smith? No. What’s the name of his other leg? He doesn’t die. No. Dick Van Dyke, who plays the old man and Burt, starts laughing, floats in the air and then father died laughing next day while we’re all flying kites.
Oh, I remember that.
He left room for a new partner And everything comes out happy in the end.
Yep. That’s right.
Set Mary Poppins leaves, dude. Everybody, everybody in kids shows left. Binge freaking left Lassie. I don’t know if she left or not.
Old Yeller.
Old Yeller definitely left. Kids, Spoiler alert. Old Yeller leaves. That was like the worst thing ever. You kids
listening to this show right
now, like, what’s old Yeller? What’s he talking about? We didn’t have to read that 1 yet. Yes, because you’re too wimpy middle school. You’re too wimpy these days to handle old Yeller. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, let’s rewind the week. All right. Weekly Rewind, where we tell you something funny from the last few days or so. I work at a screen print and digital printing supply company and manufacturing plant. Yeah, I do their website and recently I’ve been making videos for them. So, oh really? Yeah. I’ll have to send
you another 1. I’ve made like 4. Whoa. I know. I saw the first 1 you did and that was awesome.
So, yeah, they, they, they’re funny. They make me do, they had me do a video on tape dispensers. I’m like, this is a chance to be really creative because I could tell you everything there is to know about tape dispensers in about 2.5 seconds. You know, yeah, dispense tape. I had a lot of fun with that 1. But anyway, we have this pretty good size men’s restroom because it’s it was built back, you know, 100 years ago. So there’s lockers in there. There’s this giant circular hand washing station for like 10 guys to push a button
with their foot and water will pump out.
Like the sink in Harry Potter In the bathroom? Not unlike that. Yeah. Wow.
Yeah. Yeah. Except it’s 1 giant bowl and there’s different spigots coming out and you step on a button and on the floor and it pushes out water to your area. Anyway.
That’s kind of neat.
But there’s 2 stalls and 2 urinals. Big deal. Right? Well, there’s only 1 your stall that anybody wants to use because the other 1 has a trick to flush it and it’s pain in the butt.
Oh, you got to flush it with your butt.
Yeah. It’s not fun.
Is that what? No. I’m an idiot.
I’m sorry. It’s pretty funny you caught that though. So anyway, I, you always walk in and you check for feet, right? You just, you do that. So I walked in, I didn’t have to go, But I checked the feet. I just do because it’s past, you know, you just see them. And I’ve never seen feet in this position before. Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I’ll just say it this way. The guy was sitting on the toilet like I would sit in a beach chair. He had his legs sprawled out nearly underneath the door.
Was he sitting on the napper crapper?
I don’t know. But he got up and I heard him wipe. You know, you can hear it. No, and then you got up and flushed and left. I never saw who it was because I was I was in the urinal by then. But So he wasn’t he wasn’t sleeping. That’s just the way he sits on the pot. And I’m like, how does that work? Yeah. I don’t know about you, but I make plenty of room. I don’t know how to say that on this show, but I know what you mean. Yeah, I make it as easy
as possible for what has to come out to escape without touching anything on the way. Yeah. How about that?
Yeah, we should invent a toilet seat, right?
Yeah, it would start off thin and you would sit on it and then it would spread apart and you could manually control how far it spreads you.
This is a cheese spreader. What’s wrong?
We’re talking about middle school kids and we’re still them. But this actually feels like
it could be a good
thing. Yeah. You don’t have to do it manually. Kind of lean to 1 side, grab 1 cheek, lean to the other, grab the other. It’s funny because it’s true. It just seems to be a more humane way for a respectable man to… I don’t know.
There’s a certain method of me taking care of that particular part of business.
So this guy’s not doing that is all I’m saying. If you’re relaxing and your feet are spread out, how are you even getting anything out? I mean, it starts as a cylinder. By the time it’s coming out of you, it’s a pancake. I don’t know.
That’s why you could hear him. What
does he get so much to do? Yeah.
Oh, this is a worse show.
It’s not my fault. I just witnessed this and I was like, I need to write this down because I will totally forget. And so I just I want to share. I sit like like like like a Like a tin soldier on a horse. Like I, my back is straight. I’m, I, every now and then I’ll put my elbows on my knees and kind of, you know, just get on my phone kind of deal. But most of the time I’m, I’m sitting in quite a wrecked, like, like, like a, like a drawing of a person sitting down.
Like the thinker?
Yeah. The statue of the thinker. But I started thinking, maybe there’s somebody out there that poops with their legs crossed. Is it possible? I mean, you could technically still spread them and have a leg cross. It wouldn’t, you couldn’t do it like a woman, but you could sit, you know, with your, with your ankle on your knee. I mean, if a guy can, can, can stretch out and enjoy himself
lounge on the toilet,
then what’s stopping him from crossing his legs and pooping? That’s all I’m saying. Ah. There’s options now that I didn’t know existed. I thought there was 1 way we all agreed was the right way.
It was universal. We never shared it. It’s just innate.
I heard about people that hover poop overseas.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Those squatty potties. They have squatty potties. And that’s fine. I accepted that. I moved on with my life. But now he right here in America You know as divisive as things are This could be the thing that finally kicks me to 1 side or the other is How what’s your posture for pooping? What’s your poop posture?
Your body posture. We need to come up with a pole so that we. He can know better.
Shove it up his butt and teach him how to poop. Right. Get a grant. Anyway, so that’s my weekly update, I hope. Oh, geez.
I don’t even know if I can follow that. Maybe I should just quit ahead. Oh, no, I’ll tell you mine. Mine actually takes care of the input of food instead of the output. Okay. You know, we’re in the part of the season at the recording of this show, Dear Listener, it is week after Thanksgiving. Yeah, I
hope you guys had a good Thanksgiving.
Yeah, and just so you know, since we didn’t say it, we missed you last week.
We did.
But we were also giving thanks, And we are thankful for you.
Yeah. But with that part of the
season, James, you know, there comes leftovers. Yeah. And sometimes around the workplace, people will bring some of those leftovers and leave them for others to eat and to enjoy. And I don’t know, you know, the older I get, the less the less I really like eating other people’s food if I haven’t seen them prepare it.
Yeah, you don’t know what their kitchen looks like.
I like Stephen Forrester’s example of the was that on the main
show? The cat hair. It was the cat hair cookies or butt cakes or something.
Yeah, I don’t remember.
Yeah. It’s not
good. So, yeah. And so I, and nothing, nothing, I’ll eat food if you give it to me, probably. And it will enjoy it, because I’ve eaten a lot of cookies and stuff that people have dropped off. But I was going through 1 of the work rooms actually just today and there was some food there and I gazed upon it and I denied it. I did not eat any of it.
Why not? Because I just,
it was the end of the day. And I thought that’s been sitting there for a while. And I don’t know how many people have breathed across it. And I don’t know the hands that touched it or what, or even how old it was. I mean, it even looked kind of good.
I thought maybe I should. It was dessert pastries. How many were left? 2.
Yeah, And I thought really hard for, like, if I were a little bit more hungry, I probably would have grabbed 1.
Okay. So this is a guy that has admitted to eating trash donuts. What? So suddenly…
Yeah, it did happen.
So suddenly… But they
were in a container when they were in the trash. Uh-huh.
These were out in the open.
These were out in the open.
So you have standards. We just, they’re just not, They’re not consistent standards.
Maybe they’re not. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this part of the conversation. It’s like that lady that called me out for saying maybe the leaf was a Japanese maple leaf and it was, but it looked like it wasn’t a maple leaf.
So did you get the image I sent you this week?
I did, I did.
We have a Japanese maple fake, Japanese maple plant in our workplace. And I walked past it And only after that story did I notice that, yeah, it looks like a pot plant, the whole thing. I sent you a photo.
You did, and those leaves were very green. Usually Japanese maple leaves are like red throughout the year. Okay. But those leaves are very green. I don’t think that’s a fake Japanese maple tree plant. I think it’s-
It’s just a plant that has marijuana leaves. I think it is. It’s a fake marijuana plant. I don’t know what they’re trying to push on us there at work. I don’t know.
Keeps life interesting, huh?
Yeah. So, so you didn’t get a pastry?
No, I did not. I did not. And you know what? If they’re still there when I leave tonight, I won’t get 1.
You’re lying. Because if somebody throws them away, you’re going to jump on them.
That’s the thing. I’m waiting for them to go into the trash.
As soon as they’re there, I’ll
be like, you know what? Those do look good.
They look good right now. I think I’ll eat 1. I’m really kind of peckish. Yes. Shame if these things went to waste.
Yeah, they can go to my waist. Yeah.
Oh man. Thanks, John. We got a review brought to you by podgagement.com. RIP2211 says, you guys make me laugh every night. Once I laughed so much, I choked. I love this show so much. And then about 15 flame emojis.
We’re fire, James. That
means we’re fire. That’s what the middle schoolers are saying these days.
That is that. So what generation would that be? Would that be Gen Z?
Gen A.
Gen Alpha.
Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.
OK, I don’t know.
Because my kids are Gen Z and 1 of them is about to turn 20. Oh. 0. Yeah. The generations keep on creeping up, man.
Yeah, they do. So like, which is the skibbity toilet generation? Skibbity toilet. That’s like the thing that all the kids in middle school are saying now. Everything’s like skibbity
this and. I don’t know. I don’t hang out with kids anymore. I was a children’s pastor. I knew all the slang, but now
I have
no idea. But let’s just go ahead and call them alphas.
Okay.
Yeah. Let’s just separate them from the Gen Zers. Please leave a review on iTunes or Spotify. It makes us happy. Laugh skibbidy-doo and makes it really helps the show. Review.thatstorieshow.com. Let’s do some featured stories.
[“Let Me
Tell Y’all Stories”] All right, this story is from me. We don’t do this very often, but it’s called AI Reply. You’re the James. I’m the James. Yeah. I was going to wait this a weekly update. I’m like, no, it’s a story. Let me tell the story. So I like like my new hobby is doing Google reviews of everything that Google asks me to review.
Really?
Yes. I have cool. I, I do crazy reviews. I always give 5 stars. Even if it’s the terriblest place in the world, I always have fun with the review. And I have followers. Wow. I am, according to Google, I am in the top 10% of restaurant reviewers in America. In America? In America. Whoa. I take pictures wherever I go and I am ready for Google maps to say, Hey, you just visited so-and-so. And I’m like, yep, I’m ready.
I did. It’s time for me to review them.
I’ll give you an example of a review I did of a park because we went to a park and that’s kind of what started the whole thing is, I was like, I didn’t know you could leave a review for a park, you know, that’s kind of hilarious. And so my review was, this is the suckiest park in the world. There’s almost no rides here. There’s no castle unless the theme. No, I said it’s the suckiest theme park in the world unless the theme is nature. Said negatives, no rides, positives, no lines, You know, so it’s just
stupid stuff like that. That’s a
good 1. That’s funny. So and you left it 5 stars. Yeah.
You know, yeah, 5 stars. You’re not
hurting anybody.
And Google will ask me to review the weirdest things. I was on, I did the trip to Chicago to see if I’ve earned frenzy. I was on my way back and, I had stopped at a rest area and it said, so what was your experience in rest area number 2 in substance County?
I guess I’ll tell you.
And so I did. I’m like, I am today days old when I found out you can leave a review for John. And so if you read this between the 2 miles ahead and the actual turn, just know this is a great place to pee. I said, I was able to find where I was supposed to pee. No 1 tried to put their hands on me. So, I said, it’s a great place to urinate. And yeah, if you read this between the 2 miles ahead sign and the turnoff, go ahead and feel free to urinate here as
well, you know?
So I
have a blast and people even heart and emoji my reviews. It’s crazy. So, I left a review for this trampoline place that we took my nephews and my kids to, and the trampoline place was crazy. It was dirty. It was mismanaged. There was no manager there. There was just teenagers and all of them were on their phones. There was a visible mold on the ball pit balls. And you know that black grime that forms on a bathroom stall around where the hands go or the door, if you don’t clean it. That was on all of the
climbing equipment. Like, Like the trampolines were probably the only parts that were that were just clean because how dirty can a trampoline get? You know, you’re bouncing on socks. But anyway, so I left a review and the review is this. If you’re an 80s kid who used to get a little overstimulated at showbiz pizza place, then this place will make that place feel like Mr. Rogers neighborhood. Every child is unmonitored. They’re sweaty and feral and likely heavily medicated. The Staff is maybe 5 years older than the ankle biters that are actually running the place. I’m assuming
there’s a corporate app that they have to be on constantly in order to do their jobs effectively and keep the kids safe because they were all studying every moment they weren’t clamping a kid into a harness. Wood Contract COVID again, 5 stars. You gave them 5 stars for being in a nasty place. Right? Right. Which adds to the hammer, right? Well, I get replies from these people sometimes, and they sometimes they get the joke and sometimes they just type it into AI and say, make a reply for this. Oh, this review. And I am guaranteeing you
that is what this person did. The reply, we’re thrilled to hear that our place brought back some nostalgic memories for you. Chat GPT, anybody? Oh man. We understand your observations about the energetic atmosphere and our staff’s dedication to safety.
Oh, come on.
Chat GPT, anyone? Nope. We’re always striving to provide a fun and secure environment for all our guests. Thank you for your feedback and the 5 star rating.
Oh man.
So that is the story called the AI Reply by James and St. Peter’s, St. Louis, Missouri.
St. Peter’s, Louis, Missouri.
Yeah.
So either that was totally chat GBT, which it was gotta be. I could put it through an AI filter if you want. I could find out for sure. Yeah. But either that or that were just very crafty and very snarky. No. We understand your observations about the energetic atmosphere.
No, that would have been, that would have been clever if, and it, but that reads like a nice G Gbt, Chad Gbt is always nice. Yeah. Like I tried to get it to help me write something bad about Karens and it wrote half a paragraph about stereotypical Karens, but then it finished the paragraph like John would and said, but Karen’s are just people like everybody else. And deep in their heart, they probably just are struggling and we need to kind of understand what they’re going through. And I was
like, yeah.
So it, and, that’s what this sounds like. It’s like he heard the negatives, Chad GPT heard the negatives, used the keywords that it wanted to be positive about and wrote about those. So anyway, oh, I almost forgot We have a new sponsor. I was supposed to play the front of the show. Brother John Summer. Now, let’s let’s find out together. Here you go.
Well, OK.
You know, I’ve seen a lot of bowls in my time. Plastic, ceramic, even those fancy glass ones. But none of them hold a candle to my favorite, the Brother John’s Blessed Bowl. That’s right, this bowl is a game changer. And let me tell you why. It’s Sunday morning, and Linda’s in the kitchen prepping her famous macaroni salad. You know the 1 creamy tangy with that perfect sprinkle of parsley on top and she reaches for her trusty blessed bowl and I can’t help but smile. That’s a bowl that knows its job. Yeah. She packs it full, smooths
it out, and heads off to church. And let me tell you, when she walks through those doors, it’s like a parade. Everyone sees that gleaming blessed bowl, and suddenly they’re all smiling. Well, if it isn’t Linda and her macaroni salad. Well, praise be. The bowl lands right on the potluck table nestled between the deviled eggs and the jello mold, shining like the star it is. Perfect. Now I’ve seen this bowl at work. I know its tricks. It’s got space. It’s got style. And when you’re digging in for seconds or thirds, you can trust it to keep
things steady. I’ve heard church ladies gush over it. Oh, what a lovely bowl they say. Well, they’re not wrong. This thing holds more macaroni than you’d think possible. Divine design, if you ask me. But you want to hear something really special this bowl ain’t just for potlucks no sir cut to 2 days later linda’s daughter kayla goes into labor it’s Chaos nurses are rushing around doctors are prepping and there’s Linda calm as can be She reaches into her bag and what does she pull out? Yep? You guessed it the blessed bowl still sparkling and still ready
No, I’m not saying the blessed bowl was made for this but it handled that delivery like a pro Caught that newborn like it was catching the Holy Spirit Nurses just stood there mouths open as Linda cleaned it up wrapped it in a towel and handed it over 1 of them leaned over and said, now that’s what I call multi-purpose. And you bet it is. So next Sunday, there it is again, back on the kitchen counter, ready to be filled with macaroni or fruit punch
or who
knows, maybe even a Meatloaf. It doesn’t matter. The blessed bowl is versatile. It’s dependable and it’s ready for whatever life or the church social throws at it.
Oh, God. So if
you’re looking for a bowl that can handle everything from potlucks to, well, other kinds
of centers, no further.
The blessed bowl has got you covered its dishwasher safe sterilizable and available in 3 colors divine white Miracle blue and angelic pink So pick yourself up 1 of brother John’s blessed bowls and leave a legacy for generations to come. Placenta pink. And while you’re at it, take a look for 1 of Brother John’s not yeti travel mugs. They’re great for keeping cold things cold, hot things hot, and they can be used in the occasional bladder overfilling, if you know what I mean. Look for Brother John’s quality products anywhere you shop.
Oh, Brother John, thank you for your support of that story show. That was amazing.
I use this beard oil, too. It’s really good.
Yeah, I’ve heard about that stuff. It’s good. But his balls, I’m not so sure about. Not so sure we should have taken that money. I think we’ve sold out.
Long ago. Yeah. I don’t know. Their travel mugs aren’t so bad.
Yeah, that’s good. All right. Read us a story, John.
All right. I got you a story right here. Brought to you by brother John’s baby bowls. Let’s hit a kid. This is coming to us from Luis, all right? So Luis says, my 5 siblings and I were playing baseball with the neighborhood kids in the park across the street, you know, in full view from our house. The game had its usual players plus 2 Hanus brothers from down the street.
Oh, those Hanus kids. I haven’t heard that in a long time since like the 80s. Totally heinous, dude. Totally.
They’re heinous. Oh, and I heard
it from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, too.
That’s right. Excellent Ted. During this game, the older detestable boy began taunting my twin sister. He demanded that she kiss him. She switched places in the outfield to get away from him. However, the game came to a screeching halt when he tackled pinned and kissed her all over her face.
No, no, no.
Okay. I was up the bat and I had a clear light of sight upon this egregious assault. Bat in hand, egregious. This is a well written.
Yeah. Somebody got on
thesaurus.com. It’s egregious assault.
I need 10 ways to say bad. Yeah. Hanus, egregious.
Maybe I’m reading this with the wrong accent. Maybe this is like an English.
Maybe it’s Louis instead of Louis. Louis.
Well,
I’m sorry if I’ve done it wrong, but we got to finish it. Bat in hand, I ran to my sister’s defense.
Yes. Yeah,
there you go. You protect your sister, Louise. In the meantime, unbeknownst to me, unbeknownst, this is another fine word. Dang. My father was top speed running to his little girl’s rescue. I only had time to raise the bat and scream my battle cry when my father snaps the bat from
my hand and yelled, let me get out of here. Oh, Yes. Dad,
there you go. The nasty boy.
Get over here.
I’ll take a swing for the fences. The nasty boy jumped up and ran with my father, ran with my father screaming like a banshee behind him with a bat raised menacingly. This is 4 words. These are 4 very expensive words to use.
Yes. It’s upping the intelligence of our show substantially. Look at my sentence that I just used for the love.
Substantially, that’s a good 1. He allowed the terrified fiend to scurry into his house and lock the door. The entire neighborhood heard my father’s issue. I’m sorry. This is like this is Shakespeare here. The entire neighborhood heard my father issue his decree should the degenerate reprimand ever come near his daughters and dad. My father returned the bat to me with a concentrated hands-on demonstration on how to choke up on it and proper the foot placement near the base. He joined our weekend games for the rest of the summer, along with a few other neighborhood dads. Yeah.
Interestingly, the miscreant and their father never joined us. Thanks for reading this and I hope it makes it on the show. Oh,
absolutely. Man, a story like that does me good. Yeah, most appropriately. Oh, most distinguished stories. Absolutely. Ring
that there thy bell.
Yes, I shall toleth a game and a game. There we go.
Which doth ring in my ears does me great joy.
It does. Man, that kid must be homeschooled. That’s that’s all I got to say right there. First of all, they’re playing with their dad and their dad still lives with them.
Yep. Let’s, let’s add it up here. So 5 siblings.
Yeah. Yeah. That’s Ding 1.
That’s, that’s 6 kids and all
playing baseball in the street with friends. Ding 2.
And in bird’s eye view or in view of the house, 3,
dad at home, ding 4.
We have all these high dollar words
and at least 1 kid that has no social graces at all because his parents haven’t taught him any, he’s not socialized properly. That’s Ding 5, because there’s still that stereotype for a reason, because not every kid is socialized properly. Some of them want to hit girls over the head and drag them into the cave. So, yeah. And then the father was able to chase him down and the other dad didn’t come out and harangue him. Oh, look at me with my fancy words.
What’s a harangue? I’ve never heard that 1.
Love it. I love it. So I’m going to give that a middle school or a homeschool drama. All right.
This 1. Give it 5 stars.
Oh, there you go. 5 stars.
And I’m going to get ChatGPT to write me a nice response.
All right. That sounds good. Alex has a story called Kudzu Karma. I heard on a podcast recently about Kudzu, and I reached out to my mom about a family story of how my family got kicked out of Kentucky for bringing in kudzu. The story goes that in the 1930s my family lived in the small town of Noctur, Noctur, Kentucky, and my great-grandfather was the 1 to go out of town to get supplies and seeds for the others. He came back telling all about kudzu and how it would be great cow feed and all the other miracle
cures that kudzu would be. He also hoped it would grow on the hill areas where other crops could not. He took the money of many a townsperson and went back to get the kudzu seeds so they could start making these bumper crops as soon as possible.
And they
all took the seeds and everyone, including my grandfather, planted it as soon as they received it all over the hills. After a couple of years, the reality of Kudzu came to light and his name was so rundown that the family had to move out of the area in 1938. My family got big into genealogy And my grandfather and my mother went back to the area for research to see his childhood home area around 1998. The whole hollow was covered in kudzu, they said. The current occupants commented, some beehole planted all that kudzu mess. My grandfather, Gene,
replied, yeah, And I know who it was. Thanks for all the great shows through the years. Keep it up, Alex. Now I know that some of you are like kudzu what? And you got to be from the South. Okay. To understand this. So I did a little research in the dug in and here’s the info. Kudzu was introduced to the United States in 1876 at the Philadelphia Continental Exposition. It came to the south in the late 1930s for erosion control and as a possible crop to feed cattle. But it loved the southern hospitality a little too
much because of the weather. And before long, it was climbing trees, covering barns and turning literally millions of acres into a leafy jungle. And it kills everything underneath it because it provides so much shade. So it is definitely an invasive species. Kudzu can grow up to 1 foot a day and it is nicknamed to this day, the vine that ate the South. Some cities have been battling it for over 70 years. Wow. Isn’t that crazy?
Yeah.
So now you know why Alex’s family was on the outs. And I know who planted it. He did a little dance. It was us in the internet or poo poo stick your head in doo doo.
Oh man, some bee hole.
That’s not what the original 1 said. We said the A word enough in the last episode or whatever it was.
So yeah,
episode before last, I think.
A hole?
Yeah, we just talked about a hole. Hole in the ground.
Yeah. A hole hole.
That’s what the episode name was. A hole. So, John, How do you kill a Karen?
Well, I’m
going to tell you, and
this comes from a nice Karen.
Okay.
All the way in Indiana. I recently retired from teaching and most of my career was spent teaching middle schoolers.
Oh boy. Hold on.
I feel a
theme here. Move out of the way, stupid.
Okay. Look, this nice Karen specifically taught seventh and eighth grade. In general, I was a well-liked teacher. While my students didn’t always love the subject matter, I was usually able to develop good relationships with them and make the classroom an enjoyable place to be. A number of years ago, when Karen first became to mean what it means now, my students were seated in groups around the room, supposedly working together on a project.
That’s crap. You’re never working on the project. 1 person that cares is working on the project. The rest of you.
The rest of them are trying to break through their Chromebooks and find video games.
Playing Roblox or something.
Yeah. Closely, they were working together on a project, but of course, probably mostly goofing off.
I
would circulate around the room, keeping an eye on the kids and answering questions now and then. I came upon a group of 3 boys who looked up at me and said, Mrs.
K, do you know what a Karen is?
Acting perfectly innocent, I responded, yes, that’s me. My first name is Karen. This sent these 12-year-old boys who were really quite respectful and never would have called me a divisive name into a bit of a tailspin. Red-faced, they stuttered and stammered. No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, wait.
I don’t even know what that means.
I’m Karen. She boldly declared. Finally I put them out of their misery and said, yes, I know what you’re talking about. Afraid that they had made a serious misstep and that I might be insulted. They still didn’t know what to say except for, oh, okay, yeah, yeah. And they nervously went back to pretending to work on their project.
She’s no dummy.
I’d like to think that the memory of this incident has kept these boys from calling people Karen’s but I’m not delusional Still James and John I like your theory That’s a spin on every time a bell rings an angel gets his way Which is every time you call a mean person to Karen, a real good Karen dies.
Did we really say that?
You like it.
It sounds like us.
We should put that on a shirt. Oh, sorry, Karen. I think you said that, James. I would never
say no. It sounds like a like a package deal.
But the good Karen, the nice Karen, the real Karen, she likes that. And she said, but of course
that means my days are seriously over. Yeah. It’s for a great show. So my takeaway here is it’s better to be a real Karen than a nice Karen. According to the gospel of Kinnison, every time you call somebody a Karen, a good Karen dies.
Every time you call a mean person a Karen, a real good Karen dies.
Well,
congratulations on your retirement from teaching nice Karen. I don’t know how you made it through teaching middle school, but God bless you.
You did it. You did it. We got 1 more story. It’s from Julia in Idaho. It’s called sleep to 5 drive. Let me start by saying that I believe that all the stereotypes about women’s drivers are all true. Let me start by saying that I just read that. That’s not my opinion. She says, unfortunately, I am 1 of them. I, My story starts a couple of months ago when I was working for a golf course restaurant on a food truck. I normally would close the truck and start my shift at noon, but 1 week late summer,
I was the opener, meaning I needed to start my shift at 5 in the morning. I am not a morning person. So having gotten up at 420 a.m. 2 days in a row was rough on me. The third morning, I stumbled around getting ready as usual. I said good morning to my dad who was an early riser and I got in the car to leave. Now my dad.
He parks on the street, not park in the driveway. He didn’t know that I had the early shift that day, and he thought he would be the first person to leave that morning. He had therefore parked way closer to the driveway than he normally would. Now I didn’t know that. The lack of information combined with the sleep deprivation and the darkness of pre-sunrise caused me to damage our family’s other 2 cars like this. I backed out of the driveway like I normally do. Suddenly I hear and feel a horrible scraping crunch and stop immediately. I coming
out of the driveway at an angle had scraped the driver’s side of my car against my dad’s car back passenger tail light. I kept my foot on the brake and quickly called my dad with my phone. He came outside and being the perfect dad that he is very calmly guided me out of the situation to prevent further damage. Then he quickly grabbed me by my neck and choked me till dead. No. Now there’s a heart-shaped dent above my dad’s back tail. Like, aw, it’s so sweet. It’s so precious. And my dad’s driver’s side mirror is held
on by packing tape or my driver’s side mirror is held on by packing tape. The moral of the story is also make sure to own cars you don’t care about very much if you park anywhere near me. Julia from Idaho. Thank you so much, Julia. Appreciate it. Good 1, Julia. Dude, it only has to happen once. We used to have a parking place in our, in front of our house. And it was 2 cars deep, not 2 cars wide. And my wife was parked up near the garage and I was parked behind her and she just
starts going, dude, backwards. And I’m like, no, no, no, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. And she tapped me, man. She did, she didn’t cause any damage, but it just struck me how horrible it would be for 2 people in the same family to get in an accident because you wreck both your cars at the same time. No! It’s terrible. We got a few announcements. No show on the 26th of December and January 2nd. So just be ready for that. Show 500, we’re hoping will be February 27th. If you would like to send something in for show
500, maybe an audio clip, we would love to get those. Thank you. Just go to the website and submit them. Our email, James, or thatstorieshow.gmail.com would probably be best. And then just put hashtag 500. Check out our merch at merch.thatstorieshow.com. John’s saying we need to put some new t-shirts up. I’ve got an idea for a, I do have a shirt idea. It would be a maple leaf. What was that? Really? Yeah. And it would say, just say no to Japanese maple. And it would have this big Japanese maple leaf on it.
I thought you were going to say, just say no to fall festivals. I might get that shirt actually.
Yeah. Yeah. So the next theme show is bikes, December 19th. So you’ve got a week to get your bike stories in. We’ve got plenty, but we’re always looking for more. We’re wanting stories about bikes, jumping them, falling off them, hurting yourself or others with them, your best trick, whatever your favorite bike, your least favorite bike, you know, a bike that turns into a robot. I don’t care. It’s long as it’s true. We want it. This podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon, supporting listeners, get ad free listening swag and a weekly bonus podcast.
Try it out free for 7 days at support.thatstorieshow.com. We’d like to thank our latest patron, Donna Hampton. Thanks for becoming a supporting listener and special thanks to our producers, James Spengler, Kerry Wright and Christopher Tynan. It is time for us to get out of here. Ah, yeah. Do you have a story that you like featured on a future episode? Sure you do. Submit your story at thatstorieshow.com. And while you’re there, join our mailing list for the latest updates. Please take a moment and leave a review on iTunes or Spotify. And remember, when something weird, annoying, embarrassing,
or painful happens to you, don’t get stressed, don’t get depressed, just think, hey, this belongs on that story show. And aphids don’t belong on your plants. I think aphids should live more than spiders. Okay. Beware the Karen with a glare so keen. Her voice like thunder. Her tone quite mean. She demands the manager. She won’t take no in the land of complaints she’s the star of the show not every caring is so daring we had 1 on the show she’s a teacher she’s No meaner than a sloth in the snow But her students, they were so
rude And they thought that they could tease her But she’s caught up on the culture So they couldn’t even reach her It’s generally frowned on to hit a child anymore But I saw the other day this girl throwing stuff on the store some shoppers thought this set went bad President but 1 lady said don’t stop her. She might be a president Then a child out of line. We should be able to stop it like a dad with the bat that chased the boy. He wasn’t gonna hit it, but the boy gave perspective. It showed him where
he stood. He’s a prisoner in his house inside his own neighborhood. Hey guys and gals, welcome to Stuff That Didn’t Fit on the Show, where we put stuff that didn’t fit on the show. I’m your host, my name is James.
And I’m still Jon. That’s right.
Do I say that every week? I don’t know. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I need to reintroduce myself.
I know. We just got finished with the show and we introduced ourselves and some people forget quick.
Well, okay. I’ve heard that there are people that have listened to the show for years and they’ve never seen our faces. They’ve never looked us up. Oh, God bless them.
They probably have a really good image of what they
look like. Well, I don’t know what it would be, but because they’ll write in and say, you look nothing like I thought you would look like. And I assume they mean the both of us. I know. I wish somebody would draw a picture of what they thought we would look like based on our voices.
Oh, man, that would be awesome.
And then we could compare, you know, what do we look like we sound like? You know what I’m saying? Okay. So that’s cool. That’s the first type of people. And then there’s people that have seen our pictures, but reverse us and they think I’m you And you’re me. So that’s why I feel the need to say more than once a show, hi, I’m James. Yeah. And I’m John. Yeah. Get more from that story show today. Support.ThatStoryShow.com