Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS | More

We asked for your best Wedding stories and you delivered. Blair’s brother barfs before Blair’s betrothal. Sarah shares a story of stranded spouses. Peggy pilfers a presidential penthouse. Edward remembers a recycled rhapsody. Tom’s bride saves scratch by stealing stems from a stiff. Stephanie’s friend finds first aid after falling flat. And on the bonus show: Alex pays the piper to play without passing out. Karen can’t get into Canada. Plus our own wedding stories.

Did you know you can listen to this episode ad-free? Visit https://patreon.com/thatstoryshow to become a Supporting Listener today.

Send in your bike stories for the theme show in December!

Leave a review of the show!

Send your funny real-life story today!

Join the TSS Newsletter!

Summery:

00:00 – 10:00

09:57 – 20:00

19:54 – 29:55

29:52 – 39:59

39:50 – 50:02

49:47 – 58:33

00:00 – 10:00

09:57 – 20:00

19:54 – 29:55

29:52 – 39:59

39:50 – 50:02

49:47 – 58:33

Full Trasncript

This is that story show where we watch movies you can’t talk about in church. Hey, podcast people. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison.

And I’m Jon Steinklauber. And this week is our wedding theme show. Yeah. I thought I heard wedding bells for a second there.

I should have, but I ran out of time.

You know what? I want to give you a little preview this week because you wrote up these really nice things that are all tongue twisters.

See how you do.

So here we go. Sally sells she sells by the seashore. Okay, this is it. Here’s the theme. Blair’s brother barfed before Blair’s betrothal. Sarah shares stories. Immediately to the second line. Sarah shares a story of stranded spouses. Peggy pilfers a presidential penthouse. Edward remembers a recycled rhapsody. Tom’s bride saves scratch by stealing stems from a stiff. A Tweedle Beetle battle, but that’s Dr. Seuss actually. Stephanie’s friend finds first aid after falling flat. And on the bonus show, Alex pays the piper to play without passing out. Karen can’t get into Canada. Plus our own wedding stories.

Oh, man. We’ve got a great show plan for you guys. I can’t wait to get this thing started. Oh, man. It’s been a long week, John, but Fridays are always the best day because it’s the first day of the weekend. Once you get off at 430, like I do, you rush home, you run downstairs, You start up the show and you get ready to go and you know, it’s just here. So yeah, I’m glad to go. Let’s, let’s do what we always do. We always start with an opening story. This one’s called Beacon Barf from Blair

in Atlanta, Indiana. What the heck? The heck? How many Atlantas are there?

I don’t know, at least 2. Hey Google,

how many Atlantas are in America?

On the website, roadsrus.wordpress.com, they say, There are actually 19 towns named Atlanta in the United

States. Wow.

The largest Atlanta is the capital of the state of Georgia and a very large city of half a million people. The second most populous Atlanta is a town in Cass County, Texas, with a population of more than 5, 000 people.

Okay, Google, shut up. All right.

She’s going to read all of them.

19 Atlantas, people. Oh, okay. It’s okay. Indiana, you’re allowed to have yours. There’s apparently 18.

I don’t understand.

You don’t understand shut up. You don’t understand the word shut up. You have all of the knowledge of the universe at your fingertips, but you don’t know when a man tells you to shut up. I’m usually nice to AI because I want it to be nice to me when it takes over the world. Right. But I thought I would be snarky and, it talked back to me. So anyway, the day of our wedding, as many grooms on my side of the family have done, I got my groomsmen together and we went and played golf in the

morning. Man. Nice. I don’t know. I am tradition day. Like that. I think, I think my parents got in a car and drove to Kingsland, Georgia to elope. So yeah, we’re no bridesmen or grimsmen. Anyway, if you. Kingsland was known

for fast weddings. Did you know that?

Yeah.

You could get your blood taken on the first floor and then go upstairs to the J.O.P.

And that’s exactly why they drove there about 2 and a half, 3 hours out of their way. Yeah. For lunch, we decided to go to the Beacon Drive in in Spartanburg, South Carolina.

Oh, I’ve been there. Really? Yeah.

If you’ve never been, well, you just have to go sometime.

Yeah, you do.

I recommend the double chili cheese with bacon, a plenty, washed down with sweet tea. If you’re curious, when you order something a plenty, that means that your food is literally, literally buried under French fries and onion rings. Sorry. I started salivating.

Yeah.

And my tongue wouldn’t stop moving. Yeah. It was like, I was like a dog. I was trying to keep my saliva in my mouth.

I’m getting hungry now too.

Yeah. In this case, it was a double patty cheeseburger with a handful of bacon, a handful, handful Freaking reach into the tub of bacon, put a handful on the burger and just buried under fried goodness. I can’t eat any of that anymore, but Lord, that sounds good.

Just makes- It’s giving me heartburn just thinking about it.

Just make sure your cardiologist clears you first.

Yeah, that’s true.

After finishing our meal, we walked out to drive back to Greenville and prepare for the evening wedding. While walking out, my brother promptly threw up all over the stairs, leaning off the deck outside the restaurant. It must have been his way of wishing us well because that was 22 plus years ago and my wife and I are still going strong. Although I have not been back to the Beacon since. Blair from Atlanta. So is that part of the tradition to 1 of your brothers have to throw up?

Yeah. Before you go golfing, you go over, eat at the beacon and then you vomit.

Yeah. I think the brother skipped the sweet tea and went straight for the sauce is what I’m thinking. Like it looked like sweet tea, but it was probably bourbon.

Oh, or whiskey.

Something with a brownish hue. Really old water. It was fire water. Fire water. Wow. Oh, man.

I will say about the beacon in…

Yeah, tell me about it.

So it’s, you’ve been to the varsity in Atlanta, right?

No. Yes, we did.

We did. Yes. So it’s, it’s that kind of establishment except the, the people taking your orders are a little bit more aggressive. Okay. Because they want to get you through the line. You got to wait in line no matter what time you go like open close winter is well at least that was way it was many years ago when I went but there there’s a lot of there’s a lot of oil because a lot of the fried stuff and if you get it aplenty like he said it’s you you kind of can wring it out.

Oh, wow.

And so I will say that once you have completely processed that meal, that your toilet will look like it’s had an oil spill. Sorry, that’s gross, but it’s also true.

I would probably die. Like, yeah, I haven’t had fried foods in almost a year. And if I ate something with grease in it, it would probably ruin me. So, I

mean, and you’re better off for it. Not having the grease that is.

Well, when I had my stomach surgery, Yeah, there was new rules and stuff and I’m a technically I’m allowed to eat anything I want. But I if I eat a piece of pizza that has too much grease on it, like like a like a pepperoni pizza from Not Papa John’s, but somewhere greasy like Pizza Hut. Where the grease is like on the curled up pepperoni. I will get ill. Yeah. And not pukey sick like Blair’s wimpy brother, but you know, I get pretty bad off. Well, thanks for the, you know, the, the review of, of the

restaurant.

I, yeah. Yeah. Where, where is it at? Spartanburg, South Carolina,

South Carolina. Okay. I’m going to, I’m going to 1 of the Carolinas for Thanksgiving. Maybe I’ll have to look it up, see how far away it is from my brother-in-law’s house.

Yeah. It’s not too far off the border between Georgia and South Carolina.

Yeah. I mean, I would just like to order it just to see what a Pliny really looks like, you know?

It’s a plate full of food, that’s

for sure. Oh, it’s America. It’s America, man. America. America. All right. Let’s do the weekly rewind. All right. So I work at a screen printing and digital printing supply warehouse. And it’s partly a factory too, cause we manufacture some of our parts and stuff. We’re also a reseller and we do supplies and digital equipment and all this kind of stuff. And I do the website. Yep. And so throughout the day, I will get updates on products. You know, we need to change the price on this. We need to put a sale on this. You need to

list a new product. Well, I got an email that it was an email update that this product, whatever it was, I can’t remember. And some of the products, I just don’t know what they do. So, but this 1 was an update. So we got an update on this product. I was reading through the notes and it said, it no longer has lasers. And that was like, wait a minute. That’s like pretty depressing actually. And you worded it weird. You said we have an update and there’s no lasers. Well, we all know, no matter what the product

is, lasers beats no lasers. It does. Every time.

Yeah. I want sharks with fricking laser beams coming from their eyes.

Exactly. So it no longer has lasers. And I missed it by like a day. If I had bought this item 5 days before it would have come with lasers now I spend the same amount of money no lasers

no lasers, so that’s just weird How could that like if you take the lasers off of something? I feel it should make it cheaper.

It should, it should. But I think what they did in order to not raise the price is they took away the lasers. And that’s just not an update, people. People who are in charge of pricing things, just know if you take away the lasers, that is a downgrade, not an update. Not in no way. So I don’t know. Everything is cooler with lasers. Yeah. Just like everything, every food is a better when it is fried. Last night we went to what they call the Brewery lights. Brewery lights! Can’t say it right. Brewery lights? Yeah, you go

to the Anheuser-Busch Brewery and they just have lights around all the trees and they have these LED trees, these giant Christmas trees that, you know, logos and stuff are going on. Holidays. And they do a tiny little parade where the Clydesdales come through and it’s pretty sweet. Now, most of the people are there because they like to drink beer. But there’s a lot of kids there. There’s little rides. They have a magician. They, you know, stuff like that. Cause the kids like to drink too.

I’ll make your inhibitions disappear.

Yeah. So we’re at this thing and we saw the Clydesdales and we saw that they had funnel cakes. But when we got up there, we also saw that they had fried, Oreos. Oh, yeah. And, and there were, they were 6 for $6. 6 of them, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. So my kids wanted those and I they said, can you eat this? I’m like, probably not. But I’m allowed to try anything. And so I took 2 bites and it was delectable actually, because it was like a fried donut batter, and then you could taste the icing from the inside. And it was good, it was good. My kids threw away like 2 of them. They ate the rest of them, but threw away 2. And their mother like had a conniption all the way home. And I said, after she was done, you know, you threw away

$2 worth of food, you know, after she was done. I was like her dad’s name is Charles and that’s where she gets her connections from. I said, can Charles go back to Georgia now? Because You’re tripping over $2. I was tripping over $6 for Oreos, but you’re tripping over $2 that we didn’t get our money’s worth out of and our kids were good enough not to eat at all.

Probably saved you more than $2 in health bills.

Right. So everything is better fried, including weird things like Oreos. Yeah.

Like fried Oreos is like a common staple around here. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, like this is

the first time I’d ever heard of them. Really?

Yeah. Oh wow. What about fried candy bars? Have you ever had a fried Snickers or fried Twix?

Nope. I’ve heard of fried Twinkies.

Yeah. Yep. You know, Georgia, we any fair, or even if you just go to, Callaway gardens at the right time, you can get fried anything. Oh

man.

Yeah. That’s, that’s Georgia. And that’s why we have a diabetes epidemic in our country.

Yeah. It life is pretty much set up to make us all fat.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. But you know, it’s not going to make you fat. What? My weekly update.

Oh, good lead in.

It might leave you sad. I don’t know. But so it’s actually wedding themed, you know, because we’re wedding themed show today.

Look at you.

And I was talking to 1 of our teachers in the break room the other day. And somehow we got onto the subject of how long we’d been married. And she had been married, I think 20 something years. And I’m going on 27. I think it’s 27. It’s 27. Yep, it will be 27 in April.

Better figure it out.

Yep, I do, but you got to get figured out quick too, right? And we had some comments about stuff and then she said, well, it’s probably been 27 good years. And I said, it definitely has. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because if I did, I would be dead. And I have to tell you why I said that. Because, and it wasn’t, she didn’t get it because she doesn’t know what’s going on in my head. But before Amy and I got married, she said, if you ever cheat on me, I will kill you.

And I took that

to heart. And obviously I had no plans on cheating on my wife. Right. If I ever did, I would be dead. And I also like to say it’s been 27 happy years because I’d rather be happy than right. Yeah. So there we go.

Jen and I have been happily married for about 25 years. We’ve been married for a total of 28. So 3 of them weren’t that great, but happily married for 25. Nice. Dude, has she gone on and told you about her plans, like how she would kill you. Has there been any follow up discussions?

You know, just the threat of dying was enough to put the fear of God in me. Not that it wasn’t there already, but…

Yeah, but she’s got to know how she would do it.

I think, I think she does know. I think she’s actually maybe even planned it out and maybe acted upon it a couple times. Whoa. Just like without the weapons.

Okay. And what weapon do you think she would be going for? I mean, is it a knife or a hammer or a saw? I mean, is she going to create something clockwork-like? Like, like…

I think you, you know

what? Like,

dig song? You might be giving her ideas. So I won’t, I won’t make that, but I feel like any and all of the above would be included. I’m pretty sure that there would be some sort of removal of digits. Okay.

That’s not where, that’s not where my mind went when you said removal. I, when you cheat on somebody in the context of cheating.

Lorraine Bobbitt. Yeah. Yeah. There’s a throwback for you.

There you go. That’s a reference only the old people will get. Yeah.

Yeah. I’m not going to say anything else.

That’s right. You don’t need to. So I love it. That was like a Pixar joke right there. You know, went right over the kid’s heads.

What? Yeah. So yeah, I think I, you know, I don’t even want to entertain the thought of, of my demise. So, yeah,

no, I’ve, I’ve never, I’ve never been tempted to cheat. So I don’t know if I would or not.

I don’t think I’ve ever been tempted either. And if I have been, it went right over my head. So,

I did. And I say that facetiously, obviously I would, I would never, no matter what, but I did, I said, I’ve never been tempted. I won’t say I’ve never been propositioned.

You won’t say that you’ve never been propositioned.

Yeah, double negative there. So I have been. Once I was at work and a lady that I was friends with at work came in, closed the door, which you don’t do to a pastor. You don’t close the door, even though we had windows in the doors still. Why did you close the door? She sat down in the chair across from my desk and she basically said that she would like to cheat with me.

You were on a diet at the time, right?

Right, yeah. She had some candy bars and she was like, you know, my skin and this chocolate has something in common. And I would like to share this chocolate with you. And I got a little confused about what chocolate she was talking about. And I just immediately got up and kind of talked about, you know, blurbed and blobbed and kind of snuck around the chair and got out the freak in there. And I went directly to her boss and told what happened and they were horrified so horrified that they did absolutely nothing about it because they

were too afraid to upset anybody. So I’d never spoke to her or looked at her again. Wow. And she tried to be friends with me and I would just walk away because, you know, she never did try to grab my clothes and hold on to them like in the Bible.

Potiphar’s wife.

But I ran, I ran like, like, like Joseph did. So

man, I thought that I thought there was going to be like a punch line in there. Like you were hiding a joke in there.

No, that was just 1 of the most awkward things ever. Wow. Yeah. It would have been 1 thing. I’ve had, I’ve had people sit me down and tell me they like me, you know, as a teenager. I’ve had people as an adult sit down and tell me that they think I look good. This was before I got really fat, of course. But I was I was rather big. I wasn’t 300 pounds, but I was probably 250. And she thought all that was good. She was she was down with that. So anyway,

I’m sorry, man.

I know it’s fine. It’s fine. And it’s funny, though. The the girls that told me that I looked good were black girls. And so apparently I am…

You have an appeal.

Yes. Yeah. I don’t know what it is. And if I hadn’t been so daggum accidentally racist in high school, I could have had a lot more experience.

What?

I don’t know. I could have made out a lot more. Here’s what I’m saying.

Made out a lot better.

Made out a lot better. Wow. Yeah.

He could have just made out

Because 1 of the girls told me after college, after high school, she’s like, yeah, I always thought you look really good. And I was like, well, dang,

what does that mean? Yeah.

Well, I don’t even know what that means. I hadn’t met you yet, John. So I didn’t know that line, but yeah, yeah. I, you know, if Jen ever dies, I used to say I would go to weight watchers.

That’s a throwback to another

hit on a hot fat lady and wait until she gets, you know, to goal and we would get married. But I might also start going to some A&E churches, and just getting my Holy Ghost Freak on. So get my praise on.

Wow. I you know, I was this dumb kid in high school that apparently there’s this girl that liked me and thought I was cute and stuff. And I just thought she was talking to me, you know, just like, Hey, how you doing? It’s like, Hey,

I didn’t know. To later on

in life, somebody told me, yeah, she had, She had a crush on you. I was like, oh really? Is that

what that is? I don’t

even know. She was pretty. I didn’t ever think that I would ever have a girlfriend. Anyways, so yeah. If I had been in your position, I would have known what she was talking about.

What do you

mean? Chocolate. I don’t see any candy bars around here. Get out of here with that. You need the candy bars.

Oh, Lord, help me. Like I said, I’m a lot more open-minded and I’ve changed a lot since high school. I just didn’t even think of it as an option back then, you know? Yeah. Like it was just, you know, we were Georgia, it was South freaking Georgia.

Yeah.

If you had a mixed race relationship, you had to hide that crap, especially from your parents. So anyway, let’s, let’s get into some featured stories. Speaking of which we never told you guys, but today is a theme story and it is a wedding theme as John alluded to earlier. And so we’re going to tell stories that people sent in about their weddings and then in the after party and stuff We couldn’t fit on the show John and I are gonna share some of our own horrible embarrassing weird Wedding stories. So those of you that are supporting

listeners, look forward to that. Those of you that aren’t, we have a special going on right now. If you want to support us on an annual basis, we have 2 plans, $5 a month plan and a $10 a month plan. You pay annually, you already got a discount, but now you’re gonna get a 15% discount on top of that. So that gives you ad-free listening. It lets you be a supporting listener. It gives you bonus content every single week and a direct way to communicate with John and myself. And there’s a special email you get to

send your stories to. So there’s all kinds of stuff throughout the week. Like I release the lyrics to the recap songs, if there’s images and stuff that we reference, we post those on there. So it’s just a way to say super thanks to those of you that are able to support us. We also put on the Facebooks and the Twitters this week about gifting memberships. I know we have a lot of middle school listeners that don’t make money on their own, but perhaps you can talk your parents into gifting you a membership. 15% off now through

December 2nd. Okay, Check it out. You could be a Lucy or you could be a hot doctor.

So either way you win.

Check it out. Patreon.com slash that story show. That’s right. All right. This is called swiping the sweet. And I want you to tell us this story, John.

Okey-dokey. This comes to us from our friend Peggy in Urbana, Illinois. She says, we had a small wedding since it was the second marriage for both of us. I was taking care of the wedding details and my husband Chris wanted to arrange our wedding night at a local hotel. He had reserved the presidential suite. And called 4 days beforehand to confirm everything and to order a bottle of champagne. To go on ice to be placed in the room. Yeah, nice. Nice touch there, Chris. While we were actually getting married, the hotel called our home, like on

the wedding day, and on the landline to see if we were still wanted the room because the current occupant still wanted it. And she said,

if we

didn’t get back to her in a short while, she would give the room away.

That’s not how reservations work. And this is why you don’t go local.

Well, we got home hours later and Chris called them. They told them we could have a regular room that night or we could have the suite the following night. And my very mild-mannered husband went ballistic. Wow. He even cursed mildly at the woman.

You dad gum piece of crap.

Oh, that kind of curse.

I thought he was like, how else do you mildly curse? I’m pretty darned upset if you don’t mind me saying

it’s a mild curse. I was just thinking it’s something that inconvenience you instead of kills you, but you’re talking about bad words. Yeah. So like as a mild curse, like,

I hope you die 3 days before you’re supposed to. That’s a mild curse. That’s another way of interpreting that.

Yeah, sure.

I hope your car gets a ding the next time you go in the garage.

That’s actually, that’s actually pretty good.

Yeah, just a mild curse.

Your tires run low for the next 3 months.

Yes. I hope your car gets a bad gas mileage. Just for

a week.

Just for a

week. Just for a

week. We’re pretty good at this, actually. We could do mild curses. If you want a mild curse, email james.nlcast.com and I’ll send you 1.

Yeah, you can use it on your next bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Peggy continues, I spoke with her, the lady at the front desk, I spoke with her briefly and asked her how she would feel if this happened to her. I should mention that I’m usually the hot-headed 1, but we had switched roles here. I also told her that if we weren’t staying in that room that night, I would send a letter to the editor of our local paper and tell the whole town what she had done

Wow, this was before the internet apparently

apparently she she Peggy invented Yelp She was gonna Yelp it up She said that she would call us back in a half an hour. And when she did, she told us that we could come back to check in. And so we did. The champagne was there. So we filled the jacuzzi. As it was filling, we noticed that where there were clothes in the dresser. So Chris called the front desk and someone came and removed all these things. We got into the tub and we’re enjoying our champagne when we heard the unmistakable sound of someone swiping a

key. You know that sound, goes a little blip, blip. Trying to get into the room they were. This person tried, tried 3 times and then they left I would have given anything to be in the lobby when this guy got there and was told that someone else was in his room And that they had removed his stuff from the dresser. Oh Man, they comped us the room and I’m sure they had to comp his room, too It was no surprise when this place went out of business a couple years after this happened.

Yeah Thank you, Peggy. No joke. Holy crap Talking about just local. I bet it’s a small town place, some family run hotel. They got a presidential suite, whatever that means.

Yeah, I don’t think any presidents probably stayed

there. No, no. What does that mean even? Like when you walk in, it’s like, dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun. You’ve got the American flag as a bedspread instead of a regular comforter.

All I know is it took that lady 30 minutes to make that decision,

to

try to get a hold of the dude that was in it and turn that room around to where it was presentable.

Yeah.

And obviously she wasn’t successful getting a hold of that dude because he never heard. She didn’t do very well turning the room around because the clothes were still in the dresser.

Still in the dress.

And so when I first read this story, I cringed a little bit when they first jumped in that jacuzzi, because I’m like, what if the bottle was still in there from the

last guy? They filled it. It was brand new water.

Just saying. If they even drained it though, did they clean it? And my 10 bucks says no, they did not.

Oh, that’s why the room was comped. Hopefully the champagne was free, too.

Yeah, it was the wrapper was already removed. Glasses were just laying on the floor. I don’t know. I hope it was a special night for you guys.

I do hope so, Peggy and Chris.

I’ll tell you, on our wedding night, We stayed at a nicer hotel than we did for the honeymoon. And they had breakfast this next morning, but they heard it was our wedding night. So they put a bottle of champagne in the room. And Jen and I had never drunken anything, had never had a drink of alcohol. And we were absolutely insanely curious after all those years of cartoons. What did champagne taste like? So we opened the bottle, we poured a little bit and we sipped it, totally unimpressed. I dumped the rest down the sink. We went

to sleep, not right away, but we did eventually go to sleep. And that was the first night she woke up. In the middle of the night, stared at me and said, I hate people that sleep with me.

Oh man.

I didn’t know that she was evil once she fell asleep. Now I know. She turns into someone scary. She turns into a demon woman when she falls asleep. So you dare not wake her. You have to be so quiet because she’s mean. Anyway, I wish she had told me that. I’ve never believed that people should live together before they get married. Okay. I just, that’s the personal thing of mine. I don’t believe you do it in that order, but, but when I was in that moment, right. That was like, maybe,

maybe we’ve been nice to know a little bit.

Yeah, we should have had a sleepover or something. Had the parents involved, you know, sew me up in a sack like the Amish do, you know. And that way I could have known in advance, but it was too late to back out then, you know. My wife’s the exorcist, so whatever. Oh, is that has that demon been exercised? No, no. I have to tiptoe. She’s the devil. She’s the devil. Oh wow. Yeah. And God forbid I wake her up. Oh, with snoring or anything. It’s just, I hear growling over there. I don’t even want to look

because of red eyes and stuff. So anyway, this is called Deja I do. From Edward in Lake Villa, Illinois, my wife and I were invited to attend a wedding by a series of unfortunate events called second marriages. We were both related to the bride and the groom. That’s how it goes in Illinois. A series of unfortunate events. Yeah.

Second marriage.

I don’t even want to know. I would need a flow chart. He said to explain how this happened. Yeah, but that flow chart goes out and then it comes back in and at the bottom, something’s wrong. So the

tree doesn’t have any branches.

Yeah, or they did. But then they kind of reform together and that is not what you do north of the south. So anyway, this was the bride’s first rodeo, but the groom’s second attempt at marital bliss proceedings were going well until everything came to a halt. And the groom began to sing a song of love to his new bride. All the ladies were smitten by the impromptu act of love while the guys kind of rolled their eyes. I sang to my wife at our wedding. I sing a song I wrote for her.

Well, see, That’s original.

It was called, You’ve Given Your Life to Him, but You’re Sharing it with Me.

Oh man.

You wrote that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’ll always be your first love, but it’s so nice to see that you’ve given him your heart and then he gave it to me.

Dang gum.

Yeah, I was not able to hold it together. Anyway, so I feel like I feel like the after show is actually happening right now. I’m saving the best. I’m saving the best. I’m just putting in little bits, little teasers, because there’s more to that story. All right. Okay. So later at the reception, we were seated at a table with the groom’s sister-in-law, whose husband was attending to his best man’s duties at the head table. Our other table mates were the groom’s younger brother and his latest girlfriend. Unfortunately, a line from a country song was on repeat

in my head as I stared at the girlfriend. Pardon me, son, but that ain’t no kid. That’s a cocktail waitress in a Dolly Parton wig. I’ve never heard that song, but that’s what the girlfriend reminded him of, apparently. A cocktail waitress in a Dolly Parton wig. I was brought back to the moment when the subject of the conversation turned to the groom surprise song. The sister-in-law said, I wasn’t surprised at all. He did the same thing at his first wedding. Oh, so he’s saying, you know, that’s that’s kind of common before we can even respond, though.

She added it was even the same song. That’s terrible. That is even the

same. The worst. The only 1 he knew.

Is the worst. That should have been a clue as to the eventual demise of the marriage. 1 should never recycle a song from a failed previous marriage. Oh, I’m going to

do it the same way, but better. Yeah. This time I’ll mean it.

I’ve been a listener from the first days in Kansas City with your brother, David, as a cohost. I’ve always been flattered when you use 1 of my stories, Edward Lakeville, Illinois. So Flattery will get you everywhere in this show. So yeah,

I’m honored. That’s a, that’s a long time listener. Yes. That’s before me.

That’s right. It’s been listening longer than I’ve been making them. Yeah.

Like went back in time. Yeah. Repeating. Wow.

Man. That is so corny. You know, somebody should have told that bride is right there. They could have had it annulled. Yeah. Right there on the spot.

Like, like when the preacher says, if anybody poses, somebody should have jumped them and said, he

sang that song at

his last wedding.

He sang it to Lori. Lori hates his guts now. Poor girl.

It was her first rodeo.

Yeah. She her heart was moved by a song that he had already used, just like that jacuzzi had already been used. It was dirty. That song was dirty. That’s gross. It was soiled. All right. Read us a story about another wedding.

Wedding flowers from Tom in Bonita, California. My wife and I got married in 1991.

I graduated in 1991.

I was born in, I’m just kidding. That it’s a good year. Actually, my wife graduated in 1992 from high school. So Tom, Tom is a little bit older than us. Yes, he is.

Just a little bit.

Yeah, either that or he got married when he was in middle school, which would be weird. But he and his wife got married in 1991, and that’s great. I worked for Publix Supermarkets, and she worked for a flower delivery company at the time. The wedding service went great. We were a little worried about her side of the family and the fact that about 200 people were there, but nobody stood up and said anything crazy.

Oh, good.

So did you get a little bit nervous? Did the, did the preacher have that line?

And there’s always a giggle, I think that goes around the crowd. Like somebody has this idea that they’re going to do it, but then they kind of, they just want to do something, you know? Yeah. But no, nobody said anything.

Well, But

they do pause for a long time.

And sometimes the pastor looks around like I’m waiting for somebody. Really? Nobody?

Can somebody stop this thing?

You know, I get paid regardless, but if I can get paid to leave early, I’m just kidding. Preachers don’t really say that, or do they?

Or do they?

Anyways, Tom says, I noticed that there was an extraordinary amount of flowers in the auditorium. They were everywhere, in the back, on the sides, and in the front of the baptismal. It’s nice, right? Yeah. We went to the back to sign the paper with the pastor, and I peeked around the corner of the auditorium, and there were a bunch of men snatching at the flowers and whisking them out the back door. And they were really moving. I thought maybe they were taking them to the reception that was going to be held in a different part of

the church.

Yeah, makes sense.

I looked

at

my new bride. Yeah, that makes sense. Right. Make the rest of the church beautiful with these flowers. I looked at my new bride and I asked, Where are those guys going with all flowers? She looked at me and says, flowers are very expensive. I’ve got to deliver these flowers to a funeral. No. I figured why not use them for the wedding?

That’s worse than the last story. No, it’s great. It’s thrifty. So these guys were rushing

a dead woman’s flowers back to the walk-in refrigerator. The dead lady’s flowers made my wedding so beautiful. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

It’s time to cry, Tom.

I was thinking that she might get a good deal on the flowers being, you know, working for a florist and him working at Publix probably got a good deal on the cake.

See, I don’t know why, but I would be cooler with her using them after the funeral than before for some reason. Like like they serve their purpose. The person that paid for them got a hold of them first. Now they’re free, right? They’re not being used anymore. I can go dumpster diving, grab the flowers, use them in my wedding.

It’s like going by the graveyard to pick flowers up to take

on a date. Yeah.

Makes good sense.

Oh, it’s like singing a song to the same bride or to 2 different brides. I don’t know. I just told my wife about this story. I didn’t even tell her the story. I just told her the gist of it. And I said, I’m sorry, but that’s cursed. And she says, that is cursed. Oh, that’s you know, have you ever heard that on the internet? Like this photo is cursed and it’ll be something weird. You know, some sort of weird Shrek photo or something to do with SpongeBob. It looked like he’s on acid or something like this.

Photos cursed. That story is cursed. My mildly cursed.

It’s a mild curse.

I hope a dog steps on your foot.

Yeah. Or, or poops in your yard and you step on it.

Oh, see, that’s, that’s, that’s a little harsh.

That is, you’re right. That is a little harsh.

I will say that I hope your dog poops on the sidewalk and you have to step around it. That’s a, That’s a mild curse.

It’s a mild. Yeah. It’s a

mild 1. Well, let’s get into this 1. This is Stephanie from Prior Lake, Minnesota. It’s called Crash Bar. And that’s a pun you’ll find out later in March of 2010. I married my best friend. I always hate it when people say that. Do you have a problem with that? John, I married my best friend.

I, I don’t really, I don’t really have a problem with it

because your best friend was some guy named Gary back in third grade, right? That’s what I always think. And so it’s like, I married my best friend, Billy.

My best friend’s name was Joseph. Yeah. So I didn’t marry him.

I know what they’re trying to say. So I don’t really hate it. I just hate what it makes me think of. And I go with my real best friend, you know, because I, my wife was not my best friend. She was the best period, you know, that’s all. So I had a best friend while I was dating her and she was better than him. So I don’t know, I just have an issue with it. So anyway.

She’s the better best friend.

Right. The She’s just good. We’re good. We’re each other’s friends. That’s what we say. We’re each other’s friends. The day was wonderful though. We were out taking pictures with our families after the ceremony while our guests were enjoying cocktail hour and appetizers. My husband was the last of his group to, of his group of friends to get married. And I was the first. So we had told the reception place that we would buy a few kegs for the evening. And when we were done, it would be a cash bar. Now I had to look up what

a cash bar is. Cash bar means they provide the alcohol, but people have to buy the drinks. It’s not an open bar. But I got to educate people because they’re dumb like me about drinking. So as we entered the reception hall, the wedding hall planner came up to my new husband and asked them if they could crack open a second keg already. Dinner hadn’t even been served yet. My husband turned to me and asked, what type of family did I just marry into? I gazed over to the tables to see who was drinking and it was

my group of friends who had been taking advantage of the fact that there was beer. 1 of the tables had several cups stacked up on 1 another as a sign that they had completed that many adult beverages. That’s for a party, not a wedding reception. 1 of my good friends, we’ll call her Erin, and her then boyfriend was in the wedding. And they were also take advantage of all the keg had to offer. The night went on and we danced and laughed. And many of our friends drank a lot. And the night ends and we all

get into a shuttle to go back to the hotel and the night ended. Well, that’s how it was supposed to have happened. Cause you see my friend, Aaron and her boyfriend decided to go on a drunk piggyback ride around the hotel. And they thought this would be smart to do while super intoxicated.

This

is why I don’t drink people. Cause I come up with this kind of stuff sober. So God forbid what I would think would be hilarious if I was snuckered. So, well, the boyfriend lost his footing straight up through Aaron’s face first into a double glass door of the lobby. There was blood splatter across the doors. So she hit hard. Aaron and her boyfriend were on the ground shocked at what happened. Aaron then realized she was bleeding from her mouth and nose. She reached up to touch her face and found out not only was she bleeding, she

had knocked out 2 of her front teeth and a few others were chipped in half, down to the gum or chipped in half. So she instantly sobered up, which I didn’t know was possible until this story.

I didn’t know either.

But she still couldn’t drive. So she realized she was gonna need to go to the ER and a pizza delivery guy was walking into the lobby to drop off orders. Aaron and her boyfriend asked the pizza delivery driver if he could drive him to the ER and he did. What a guy, what a guy. The next morning we were getting breakfast and I see Aaron come in with her face all swollen and black eyes, and then she smiled. Teeth were missing and razor looking teeth were in places. There was a full tooth was gone. And then

she began to attempt to tell the tale of the drunken piggyback ride, but she couldn’t. Her boyfriend had to tell it. She got her teeth and her face fixed eventually. Soon after, Aaron’s boyfriend proposed, and now they are living happily ever after with no more drunken piggyback rides. Well, we’re glad it has a happy ending. We often tell this story to our kids. Hope it makes it on the show and teaches them that drinking can make you do some stupid things. Stephanie from Prior Lake, Minnesota. Wow. That’s crazy.

Wow. So that’s, that’s, that’s gotta make the wedding very special.

Oh yeah.

I mean, not only did somebody have a trip to the E.R., but they they also fell in love and got married. James,

they did. They kind of redeemed it, I guess. But you’re not supposed to act like that at somebody’s wedding. But I guess people do. We didn’t have drinking at our wedding. Yeah. Yeah, but they were at the wedding getting snockered, okay?

Yeah, that’s true. Aaron, you and your boyfriend.

Whatever. We got a voicemail. Her name is Sarah. She is a wedding planner by trade and she sent in several stories and here’s the 1 that made it on the show. Consigned Couple. Here we go. Hello,

my name is Sarah and I am from Kentucky and this is a great show for me to send some of my stories in because I’m actually a wedding planner. So I was thinking through all of the stories that I have from my many years of wedding planning. And yeah, so this is my first 1. This 1 actually happened last night and whenever I’m not wedding planning, I work at a country club where we also host weddings. So we were hosting this big wedding at the country club that I work for and we heard the DJ say

something along the lines of, so excited that you’re here, our wedding party is here, but it will be a few minutes because the limo forgot the bride and groom at the church. Now DJs are, you know, hired sometimes to work the room, they’re entertainers, they’re not always just emceeing to the next thing on the timeline for the evening. Sometimes they’re there to crack a joke or make up something funny and get the guests entertained since they had a long cocktail hour and they, you know, were ready for dinner. So we all thought it was a joke.

Well our staff Was getting everything ready. We were prepping the buffet. We were making sure the guests were taken care of until dinner time started and my boss comes up to me and tells me hey, it’s gonna be a few minutes because the limo left the bride and groom at the church. I looked at her and I said, Oh, was the DJ not making a joke? She said, no, not at all. He was not making a joke whatsoever. So what had happened was the limo driver picked up the wedding party which was pretty sizable and dropped

the wedding party off at the country club and went home. What they had to do was they had to call the limo driver to go back to the church because the bride and groom were just chilling there at the church where they got married everybody had left and I guess the limo driver just thought the bride and groom had a special form of transportation and left them there and went home for the evening. Luckily the bride was very chill and she thought it was just the funniest thing which was excellent because not everybody would. She just

thought it was hilarious and they got there and we started the evening. They walked in and had a great time for the rest of the night, but they got forgotten at the church. That’s story number 1.

Thank you so much for sending that in. It was hilarious. It’s hilarious. Wow. Yeah, we didn’t have a limo at our wedding either.

No, I didn’t either.

I drove away in a Honda CRV with no tailgate or No rear bumper. Whoa.

That’s because all the cans that were on the back of it, you know, pulled it off.

Yeah, that was it. It’s covered with shaving cream and white paint marker, you know, on the windows. There

was nothing. Nobody did anything to my getaway car.

Really?

Not a thing.

I took it straight to a drive-in washing place and sprayed it all off.

Yeah. Did the other bumper fall off? Probably.

I paid $400 for that car and it was sweet. It was the only vehicle at that time in my life that I never had to do any work on. It lasted.

Honda CRV or Civic?

CRX. It was a CRX.

CRX. Oh.

So it was a tiny car. And I ended up giving it away to a guy. And I actually got, the police came to my house 1 time because of that CRX. What? Okay. So there were murders in Macon, Macon, Georgia. This couple, you know, Lovers Lane kind of thing, got murdered and somebody said they saw a blue CRX nearby. And I was like, that’s kind of funny because I drove a blue CRX. And 1 day the cops are at my front door and they’re asking, where were you on the night of this, that and the other?

And where did you get? I haven’t owned this car very long. I, I sold out my friend David quick. He’s like, you got an address on David? I’m like, I sure do. I sure do go ask him. Maybe he’s the killer. You should talk to him. He always seemed like a killer to me Should definitely not talk to me anymore about it because I have nothing to do with killing So

not even a bit little bit.

Nope. It was not me, but they ended up catching the guy. I don’t remember how, but he did drive a CRX.

Wow. That’s madness.

Those of you that are on the internet should look up the Honda CRX from-

I just did, it was a 2 seater.

Yeah. Dude. It had a third seat, mine had a third seat, but it was double door 2 doors, you know Okay, you could I usually use the back seat folded down though. Yeah, it was a hatchback

and what year was it?

Oh gosh, it was old. So we got married in 96. So I would put it within 5 to 10 years of that. Okay. So in 86 to a 90. It was no way. It was 4 years old. It had to have been 10.

Well, it was produced from 1983 to 1991.

Okay.

So it was no newer than the marriage between our first story there.

Yeah. Well, there’s no way it was 4 years old either, because I got married 4 years after I graduated. So, or 3 years, 3 years after I graduated. Anyway, there’s no way it was less than 3 years. It was more like 10. So it was 1 of the early ones. It’s ugly. It’s ugly, but it was so slick back then It was a manual. It was awesome,

dude Nice ride.

I know right? Listen we want to remind you Now it’s a great time We know so many of you would love to support the show and get all the perks and stuff, but you haven’t pulled the trigger. Well, now’s your time to do that. Go to the Patreon membership sale at patreon.com slash that story show. Use code black Friday, all 1 word, all caps to save 15% off your first year of the Lucy or hot doctor tears. I know with Lucy and hot doctor, there are all kinds of perks and gifts and swag that go with

it. Plus, you get ad free listening and bonus content. Check out our merch at merch dot that story show dot com. Our next big theme show is bikes. We need it in by December 19th because that’s going to be our December story and our theme show. And we do have several bike stories, but we need a lot more if we’re going to make this work. So send in your bike story today. We want them any kind of story, your story of giving someone a bike, watching someone be hurt on a bike. Your your own broken bones.

Yeah. Mild curses. You know, it’s like I hope a fairy punches you in the ear. You know, that kind of stuff. Mild curses. But anyway, send them in. Just go to that story show dot com and click submit a story. This podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon, supporting listeners, get ad free listening, swag and weekly bonus content. Try it out free for 7 days at support dot that story show dot com. And special thanks to our producers, James Spangler, Kerry Wright and Christopher Tynan. It is time for us to get out of

here. You guys have a story you’d like featured on a future episode? Sure you do. Submit your story at thatstorieshow.com. And while you’re there, join our mailing list for the latest updates please take a moment and leave a review on iTunes or Spotify and remember when something weird annoying or embarrassing or painful happens you don’t get stressed don’t get depressed just think hey this belongs on that story show we’ll see you guys next week. Hope you enjoyed our show. Thanks, John. Thanks, James. Here we go. There’s a tiny little lady who lived Not long ago in

a tiny 90s house with a secret of her own. She was crafty and knew magic and she used it all the time. She’d made a deal with Satan and the next day up and died. Her will was read, here’s what it said. No expenses shall be spared. White roses all around me from my feet up to my head. They’ll be taken from my garden where the blood of goats was spread. They’ll be perfect for my funeral. Cursed white roses filled with red. Holy Moses, bride needs roses. Oh, so many, pretty penny. She’s got envy so she

takes the roses as if they’re complimentary. She was bridal, not suicidal. She didn’t know that they were cursed, though a cluesurfist after the service, a limo was a hearse. Now their whole life is doomed. Spiders fill up every room. Children born with little horns, always raining constant storms, funeral invaders, she’s safe paper. No persuader, no 1 made her take the roses from the fridge. Now every door a squeaky hinge. That’s a perfect Halloween song. Hey, how you doing other broadcast people? This is stuff that wouldn’t fit on the show where we put stuff that didn’t fit

on the show. I, I want to tell you, real quick, the rest of my story about my wife, trying not to cry during my song.

During your song, yeah. I’m glad that you remembered that, because I was like, oh, there’s more to this story.

There is, there is. So get more from that story show today. Support.thatstorieshow.com.