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This week Comedian Lionel Harris blesses us with his stories and humor. Sandy Patty is a stumbling block for James. John has to ask forgiveness after reading a story about soccer balls.
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James Kennison:
Welcome to that Story Show, where side.
James Kennison:
Splitting real life anecdotes steal the stage.
James Kennison:
In today’s episode, we’re in for a.
James Kennison:
Treat as we welcome the talented comedian Lionel Harris II.
James Kennison:
Prepare yourself for a healthy dose of middle school drama and brace yourself for Clay’s unforgettable tale about how dolphins played.
James Kennison:
A surprising role in the disappearance of his swimsuit.
James Kennison:
All this and more coming up on.
James Kennison:
This episode of that Story Show. We’ll be right back.
James Kennison:
Hey, podcast people. Welcome back to that Story Show episode.
James Kennison:
450, brought to you the week of September 21, 2023. I’m your host.
James Kennison:
My name is James Kennison, and my.
James Kennison:
Good friend is here. Hey, James. I’m John.
John Steinklauber:
Everybody knows that. But I got to tell you something. I accidentally took my cat’s medications last night.
James Kennison:
Oh, no.
John Steinklauber:
Don’t ask meow. I hate that joke. I won’t use it ever again.
James Kennison:
I’m sorry. Thank you.
James Kennison:
Thank you.
James Kennison:
That is the best thing about your.
James Kennison:
Jokes, is we only have to hear them once per episode.
John Steinklauber:
There’s actually other people’s jokes that creative.
James Kennison:
Today we have a special guest. His name is Lyle Harris. He is an award winning filmmaker, comedian. His comedic style is centered around life.
James Kennison:
Stories, which is kind of what we.
James Kennison:
Do, and observational humor. He’s a regular on drybire comedy. He has a new special, Rent a.
James Kennison:
Friend on Drybire comedy.
James Kennison:
He’s done commercials, people. Some of his credits include Steve Harvey’s Stand Up Spotlight, Laugh After Dark, and comedy festivals around the country.
James Kennison:
He is going to be in Gloucester.
James Kennison:
Virginia, on September 20. Yeah. And Waldorf What’s, MD.
John Steinklauber:
Maryland.
James Kennison:
Maryland, on October 21. Let’s welcome actor, camera operator, cinematographer, comedian, content creator, director, editor, filmmaker, music, composer, producer, screenwriter, videographer his name. Yes, ladies and gentlemen is lionel Harris. Welcome to the show.
Lionel Harris:
Thank you. Thank you very know that sounds exaggerated, but all those credits actually are.
Lionel Harris:
Makes.
Lionel Harris:
Me think I need a back with you guys because it was some rest, some shut eye.
John Steinklauber:
Yeah, I’m tired just thinking about it.
James Kennison:
Well, hopefully this show will be a rest to you. You can just unplug lay back and.
James Kennison:
Just enjoy your time with us today.
Lionel Harris:
I’m camera operating right now.
Lionel Harris:
I have yeah.
James Kennison:
I do know that you have to.
John Steinklauber:
Do all of those whenever you work for a church in their media, except for the comedian part. They don’t expect that out of you.
James Kennison:
But no, they don’t want jokes. They just want their sound to work.
John Steinklauber:
Yeah, they do. Yeah, all that stuff.
James Kennison:
All right, we always start with an opening story. This one’s from Sam.
James Kennison:
No, it’s from Austin Fraser.
James Kennison:
About a week ago, me and my family were watching the Titanic movie.
James Kennison:
Now, before I go on, I need to tell you that the youngest in the family is ten I’m 13. And then there’s a 1517 and eight year old. So that was all of us, the whole family, plus my parents. It was right before the inappropriate scene.
John Steinklauber:
Which scene is that?
James Kennison:
Draw me like one of your French girls.
James Kennison:
So my mother picked up the remote and tried unsuccessfully to skip it by.
James Kennison:
Vigorously pressing the skip button.
James Kennison:
Unfortunately, the remote stopped working right when let’s just say the image on the.
James Kennison:
Screen was a complete shot that was.
James Kennison:
Definitely rated R. And that shot was.
James Kennison:
On the screen for two whole minutes. It could have been a magical moment, except my grandmother was in the room. Austin Fraser at home school getting that home school education.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, jeez.
James Kennison:
Now, the only reason why I read that is because my mother had a.
James Kennison:
Copy, two VHS tapes of the movie. It got to have two of them.
James Kennison:
When it got to the naked part.
James Kennison:
She had recorded over it with whatever was on the TV at the time.
James Kennison:
And whatever was on the TV at.
James Kennison:
The time was TBN trinity Broadcasting Network.
James Kennison:
And what was on TBN was Sandy Patty singing really loud with one arm.
James Kennison:
Raised in the air, just praising Jesus.
James Kennison:
And so here we are watching the movie together. The camera is crawling up her leg.
James Kennison:
You’re just getting a little bit excited. I’m about to see something I’m not supposed to see, and all of a sudden, Sandy Patty.
James Kennison:
So now I’m all confused.
James Kennison:
I’m 50 years old, and I get turned on by Sandy Patty.
James Kennison:
Oh, no.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, you didn’t.
John Steinklauber:
What do you mean?
James Kennison:
I like Sandy Patty a lot more than I’m supposed to. She’s like 90 years old now.
John Steinklauber:
But anyway no, she’s not. She’s still in her 30s forever.
James Kennison:
In my mind, she is that big poofy hairdo back in the 80s.
James Kennison:
Absolutely.
James Kennison:
Our guest today, of course, is our main focus today.
James Kennison:
I want to do a brief interview, if we could.
James Kennison:
Let me ask you this. What got you into stand up?
Lionel Harris:
Well, I started out as a filmmaker as you lifted from the credit, and I was making comedic films, and we started winning awards. We did this competition called the 48 Hours Film Festival. Yeah, you have to make a film in 48 hours where they give you everything on the spot, line of dialogue, character, prop. They give it to you right there. And you got to make a film in 48 hours. So we did this, and I was writer and director for it, and we ended up getting an audience favorite and doing well. It was like a pattern. I did that, and then I went on to start doing sketch comedy, and I realized I was telling other people how to be funny, if you will.
Lionel Harris:
And I was like, well, maybe I should step out and try it myself. People have been telling me for so.
Lionel Harris:
Long, hey, man, maybe you should go do it. Maybe you should go do it. But to be honest, I was afraid, man.
Lionel Harris:
I don’t know another way to say it.
Lionel Harris:
I was scared.
Lionel Harris:
I was scared to do stand up. Took me a long time after I.
Lionel Harris:
Made the decision, to be honest, the.
Lionel Harris:
First time didn’t go so great.
James Kennison:
Yeah. So what was your first stage?
Lionel Harris:
Well, see, when I really started, when I really decided to go for it, it went well. Just the first time I tried it, it didn’t go so well.
Lionel Harris:
Friend of mine was a musician.
Lionel Harris:
He had produced the album for an artist, asked me to host the party, the album release party. He’s like, you’re funny, man.
Lionel Harris:
You could be an MC.
Lionel Harris:
I mean, in theory, yeah, I am funny. And I went to host this party and it was like in a noisy bar night spot. I couldn’t get anybody’s attention. So I died a thousand deaths. So I was like, okay, I’m going to try it again because I’m brave. Good. I did it again. I had a friend of mine that.
Lionel Harris:
Wanted me he was a pastor and.
Lionel Harris:
He wanted me to perform at an event his church had. Now I’m not as sexy as Sandy.
Lionel Harris:
Patty. So I had to use, you know.
Lionel Harris:
What I’m saying, the gift of gap.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
Lionel Harris:
But again, it was a similar situation. It was like we were in this place with very poor acoustics. Like the reverb was so loud. You ever have like, a microphone, you hear volume, but you can’t distinguish what the person is saying?
James Kennison:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
Like in a gym or something.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah, so it sounded like that. So I didn’t know any of this all the time, but the whole time I’m up there sweating and everybody’s like, we can’t hear you.
Lionel Harris:
And it took all my courage to.
Lionel Harris:
Even get up there and try it again.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
Lionel Harris:
It took me two years after that.
Lionel Harris:
To be like, I’m like, I’m not doing this anymore because my family was there, which makes it worse. Bombing in the privacy of an open mic is one thing, but bombing in.
Lionel Harris:
Front of your friends and family, that’s goodness. Yeah. So it took me two whole years.
Lionel Harris:
But when I did, I was actually working. I was out in La. I was inspired by what I was working on. So I was like, you know what, I’m going to go back and try it again. I went to a club out there in Burbank and tried a mic and did well. I was like, OK, let me go another. Yeah, it’s called Popular Club out there, too. It’s one of the only ones.
Lionel Harris:
Why can’t I think of the name of it right now?
James Kennison:
Because I have.
John Steinklauber:
That’s why.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah, it’s going to come to me later.
James Kennison:
That way I’m going to shout it.
John Steinklauber:
Out whenever it happens.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah, that’s what’s going to happen. So I went to another mic in West Hollywood with a friend of mine, and then the host was know like he was trying to get me a date. Like, when are you coming back? And that just put me on a.
Lionel Harris:
High I never came down from.
Lionel Harris:
So that was my Sandy Patty is what I’m saying. It’s forever.
Lionel Harris:
30 years old that night.
John Steinklauber:
That’s right.
James Kennison:
Somewhere you once said that the most.
James Kennison:
Talented people aren’t on the highest stages. It’s those with perseverance. So tell me about the power of not quitting.
Lionel Harris:
I think it’s like some kind of law, man. I mean, see, when you get into this kind of thing and now it’s so controversial, I don’t want to make the interview weird, but, I mean, this is where your core beliefs come into play.
Lionel Harris:
Okay.
Lionel Harris:
So I do believe in God. I do believe there is a God.
James Kennison:
You’re in good company.
Lionel Harris:
So I believe that if you consistently press, if you consistently are attempting to knock down a door or get into.
Lionel Harris:
A room, eventually something has to happen. Something’s going to break.
Lionel Harris:
That old drop in the bucket adage.
Lionel Harris:
Eventually it’s going to overflow, it’s going to fill up.
Lionel Harris:
And I believe that’s the power of perseverance. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result. But I also think it’s the same definition for success.
Lionel Harris:
You got to be a little crazy.
Lionel Harris:
Because you got to keep going and.
Lionel Harris:
Expect a different result in the face of rejection over and over.
Lionel Harris:
And comedy is full of rejection goodness.
James Kennison:
Yeah, I kind of have a heart.
James Kennison:
For wanting to do comedy. And I’m terrified. I’m terrified. I can do this all day. I can be on a microphone all day, but I’m not in front of a live audience know, I’m not there when they laugh or when they don’t know. So it’s funny. I’m doing an improv class, actually trying to warm myself up to being on a stage in front of people. So anyway, your message about Perseverance hits home.
James Kennison:
John, what were you going to say?
John Steinklauber:
Well, I think Perseverance isn’t that the name of your cologne that you were marketing? You said you have a safe face and you were talking about your videos.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah, no, responsibility is the name of my responsibility.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
Lionel Harris:
Is it flappers?
Lionel Harris:
I think that’s the name of the club in Burbank.
James Kennison:
Oh, there we go.
John Steinklauber:
All right, I’m going to look it up right now.
James Kennison:
Now all the people at home can breathe easy.
James Kennison:
There we go.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah, but no, it’s responsibility is the.
Lionel Harris:
Name of the globe.
James Kennison:
Responsibility.
John Steinklauber:
Yeah. Perseverance can be your second line, if necessary. That might be like Perseverance to me.
James Kennison:
So what would you say is the.
James Kennison:
Overall purpose of your comedy? What motivates you to do what you do?
Lionel Harris:
Man, I do it because I loved it and I did it, and I continue to do it because I love it. And now I try to have in my mind at this stage, after doing it, for a while is to keep in my mind that I’m making people forget about their problems for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, depending on what kind of set I’m doing. But for during that time, people, if they’re connected with me, they’re present, they’re not thinking, they’re not worrying, you know what I mean? I’m offering something to people, and now everybody’s so heavy with an array of things right now. You name it, it’s on somebody’s mind.
James Kennison:
True.
Lionel Harris:
So if I can be the guy that’s offering something or an escape, you know what I mean, that’s positive, then, yeah, that’s why I do it now. That’s me trying to have that intention.
James Kennison:
Right.
Lionel Harris:
I’ve always enjoyed making people laugh. It was a lot easier when it’s a difference between me walking into a room and making someone laugh, which I’ve always been confident I can do, versus when you’re introduced as someone who’s supposed to make someone laugh.
James Kennison:
Right.
Lionel Harris:
That’s different. Embracing that and doing that for some time, it’s like, yeah, you got to have things to motivate yourself, to keep going. If I could quit, I would.
Lionel Harris:
But I can’t.
James Kennison:
That’s awesome. You done done it so much.
James Kennison:
This is all you could do.
Lionel Harris:
It’s not all, but no.
James Kennison:
Matter of fact, speaking of all, I know you’re working on a podcast.
James Kennison:
Tell us a little bit about that.
Lionel Harris:
Okay, so you see the shirt I got on? It says joke a day. When I first started in comedy, what a backstory is, I actually tried to.
Lionel Harris:
Apply to be a writer on a late night show.
James Kennison:
Oh.
Lionel Harris:
I never got the rejection. It was like I put my application in in June or July, and I kept calling back, and it was like, you’re still in the running. You’re still in the running. You’re still in the running. And the after months, maybe around September, I found out that I didn’t get it, but I thought I was like, man, was I close, or did they.
Lionel Harris:
Just not review what happened?
Lionel Harris:
I didn’t know what it was, right? But it put a fire under me.
Lionel Harris:
And I was like, you know what? I’m going to write a joke every.
Lionel Harris:
Day for a year, and I’m going.
Lionel Harris:
To put it online and perform.
Lionel Harris:
I was like, Then I won’t be.
Lionel Harris:
Able to be ignored.
Lionel Harris:
You know what I mean?
Lionel Harris:
That was my attitude.
Lionel Harris:
So I did I did it. It was a challenge to myself where I performed online a joke every day.
Lionel Harris:
For a year just to challenge myself.
Lionel Harris:
And see if I could do this. And I called a joke a day, and I took that. I got a lot of respect from comedians in the area, even if I wasn’t necessarily the cup of tea there’s like, man, your work ethic. People gave me respect off that. So then I used that to start producing shows. I had some branding things, and then recently I realized the state of comedy. Now you really need to have a following. There’s no way around it.
Lionel Harris:
And I mean, people are getting booked who don’t know how to do stand up because they have a following. And I was like, I know it’s a crowded space. So I hesitated. I was like, I’m going to take this Joke A Day thing, this brand, and I’m going to start the Joke a Day podcast. And basically what I’m doing is interviewing comics. And then the one thing that we try to do every episode is workshop something live. They have new material that they want to work on. Me and my co hosts will give them suggestions and we’ll riff and try to help them get it ready for the stage at the end of the Ever.
Lionel Harris:
And that’s basically the premise of the show.
James Kennison:
That sounds amazing. And when will that get started? Or I’m sure it’s in the works.
Lionel Harris:
But when will I’m hoping to release before Christmas.
John Steinklauber:
Okay.
Lionel Harris:
What I’m doing.
Lionel Harris:
Okay, so look, I know that nobody’s going to care after a couple of.
Lionel Harris:
Weeks, but here’s the thing.
Lionel Harris:
What I’m trying to do is record the entire season before I start releasing. And I’m halfway through the season now, okay? So I made it halfway. So I know I have episodes, but I don’t want to start releasing them until I know I can almost automate the release process so people know they’re going to get an episode every week for at least eight to ten weeks.
James Kennison:
No, there’s wisdom in that.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
John Steinklauber:
Something to look forward to.
James Kennison:
You might just have to come back on around Christmas time and promote that podcast.
Lionel Harris:
I’m hoping next month, honestly.
James Kennison:
Oh, really?
Lionel Harris:
Yeah, I’m hoping next month, but I’m just saying that under Promise over delivered.
James Kennison:
Right?
Lionel Harris:
Right.
James Kennison:
I want to listen to that show. I don’t know about John, but that sounds like my kind of show.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
Lionel Harris:
I appreciate it. Thank you.
James Kennison:
I’ll be looking forward to that. What are some of your best memories from your journey as a comedian?
Lionel Harris:
Best memories?
Lionel Harris:
Well, like I said when I started, that’s really one of my favorites, just because I needed that high, because there’s so many ups and downs in comedy. Like you need something to hold on to, to anchor you, to keep you from quitting early on. I’ve seen a lot of people start and stop, and honestly, I haven’t even been doing it that long by a lot of standards of people who are really comedy vets.
Lionel Harris:
For me, it’s been seven years this year.
Lionel Harris:
Most other people I’ve watched the interview say it takes ten to be great.
Lionel Harris:
You know what I mean?
Lionel Harris:
So I don’t know. I got three more to go, but so far I still in this amount of time, I’ve seen people start and stop.
Lionel Harris:
So that would be one. Another one would be, yes, persistence Perseverance, the new cologne.
Lionel Harris:
But I got to say I got a recent one I headlined at Home for the first time.
Lionel Harris:
I hadn’t done that.
Lionel Harris:
And my dad got to be there, and he came on the night that I did well, because Friday night was but Saturday was like it was explosive. And I mean, I felt really good about it.
Lionel Harris:
And he was there that night, but.
Lionel Harris:
I was like, thank God he didn’t have to see me again because the I’d have to quit for another two years.
Lionel Harris:
I was like, I’m not doing this.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah, that would have been terrible. But just doing good in front of your friends and family is added pressure because I kind of, like, famously refuse to perform at family functions. I don’t want to bomb in front.
Lionel Harris:
Of no, you know what I mean? No, that’s not where it’s at, man.
John Steinklauber:
Got to hang it up after that. Your family doesn’t find you funny then?
Lionel Harris:
Exactly.
Lionel Harris:
It’s like you’re too familiar.
Lionel Harris:
So it’s like what I do in.
Lionel Harris:
A normal club or a show, they’re.
James Kennison:
Going to like, well, didn’t like Jesus say something about that? Where a prophet gets no respect in his own home?
Lionel Harris:
Like I said, I just said I.
Lionel Harris:
Had life for the first time in my hometown.
Lionel Harris:
That was this month.
Lionel Harris:
Being on the road and doing it and then can’t get it at home, it was tough. But I got to understand the journey. Everybody’s journey and process is different, man. So as long as I am getting recognition and I am getting days, and people are recognizing the talent, but it.
Lionel Harris:
Is hard for those people that are right in front of you sometimes to.
Lionel Harris:
See it, so be it. But I’ll get it. I’ll go where it takes me.
James Kennison:
That’s great. That’s great. That perseverance.
James Kennison:
There it is.
James Kennison:
So you said it’s hard for your kids to be a child of a comedian. I was listening to your stuff. Why is it so difficult for your kids to be the child of I can tell you.
Lionel Harris:
I’m thinking of rewriting that joke. In the original joke, I said I told the story of my daughter telling me this knock knock joke, and I was like she immediately got in trouble. I was like, what?
Lionel Harris:
Go to your room. You disgust me. But now that joke is changing because.
Lionel Harris:
My kids like them. Knowing what’s appropriate and inappropriate, I think is kind of gray area on certain things because my son told me he was, like, smacking himself trying to make kids laugh at school. I was like, Why are you doing that? Why are you hurting yourself? So my wife and I was like.
Lionel Harris:
You don’t do that, because he’s very young.
Lionel Harris:
So we were like, don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself or whatever. Don’t do that. And my daughter came in, and she.
Lionel Harris:
Was like, did it work? I mean, if you got the laugh.
Lionel Harris:
That’S not the lesson we’re teaching.
John Steinklauber:
It worked for the three stories.
Lionel Harris:
I was like, Pratfall, come on, dad.
Lionel Harris:
You know, I was like, no, that’s not it.
James Kennison:
Now I’m scared that I was that kid growing know?
James Kennison:
I would say whatever I needed to.
James Kennison:
Say, even if it hurt people’s feelings. John will tell you.
James Kennison:
I’ve known John since back in the day, and he had to go to his mom and talk to her about my.
James Kennison:
Yeah, yeah.
John Steinklauber:
Why is the saying mean things to me?
Speaker C:
Right?
Lionel Harris:
Is that why you’re doing the clean show? Because it’s like your reform?
James Kennison:
I have a dark side.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
Lionel Harris:
This is a work release program you’re doing, right?
James Kennison:
I’m trying to redeem what God gave.
James Kennison:
Me for good, I use for evil.
Lionel Harris:
No, it was probably just like I think a lot of people start out that way. I mean, for me, it was a defense mechanism.
Lionel Harris:
When I was a kid.
Lionel Harris:
That was the way I defended myself. So, yeah, it was very mean spirited. When I was younger, I mean, I probably had the same kind of thing, but I had a kid come back to me.
Lionel Harris:
It kind of messed with me a.
Lionel Harris:
Little bit because it took humility even at that age for him to do that because I grew up in the toxic masculinity of the 90s.
Lionel Harris:
So for it to come back to.
Lionel Harris:
Me and he was like, hey, man, I just want to know what did.
Lionel Harris:
I ever do to deserve that? I was like, oh, I’m a monster.
John Steinklauber:
For another two years.
Lionel Harris:
Right. I don’t really do roast.
James Kennison:
Right.
Lionel Harris:
Famously.
Lionel Harris:
And I’ve done a couple.
Lionel Harris:
I did one recently, but I’ve only.
Lionel Harris:
Done two in my career.
Lionel Harris:
One was imaginary.
Lionel Harris:
It was imaginary characters. And the other one, a friend of mine was moving. I went to him before I did. I was like, is this going to.
Lionel Harris:
Make you happy if I do this?
Lionel Harris:
Because I don’t want to do this.
Lionel Harris:
And he was like, yeah, you wanted to do it. So I kind of limited the jokes.
Lionel Harris:
Only to his material.
Lionel Harris:
I didn’t really go for him specifically him personally.
Lionel Harris:
I just joked about the things he.
Lionel Harris:
Joked about, which in some levels hurt worse.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
I was about to say, don’t we.
James Kennison:
Men judge ourselves by our efforts and.
James Kennison:
What we put out?
John Steinklauber:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
I’m not going to hurt you. I’m just going to gut what you.
James Kennison:
Think is important about yourself.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah. I’m going to destroy that which you hold dear.
James Kennison:
Just crap on his wife for an hour. I think that would be better than that. Oh, my goodness.
James Kennison:
Well, we’re going to take a brief moment and hear a word from our.
James Kennison:
Sponsors, and then we got a guest featured story. We’ll be right back after this.
James Kennison:
All right, we’re back. Sorry about that. I got to pay the bills.
James Kennison:
Mr. Harris.
Lionel Harris:
Yes, sir.
James Kennison:
We are a storytelling podcast, and we love to hear great stories. I know stories is a big part of what you do, so take it away. Tell us a funny life story.
Lionel Harris:
Okay.
Lionel Harris:
So I’m going to tell you guys a story about the time when I realized that my jokes could predict the future.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, yeah.
Lionel Harris:
It was a weird experience that I had, but it was a period in my comedy, probably at a period where I was on the fence, like, whether or not I wanted to continue. And I had a friend of mine book me for this show. And I’m not going to lie, I was in a bad place. I was kind of like, melancholy, if you will. I wasn’t my best, and I had to close out this show. And I didn’t really know what I was going to say. I had been there, just kind of nervous, waiting for my turn. And when it was my turn to go to the stage, I freestyled my entire act.
Lionel Harris:
I don’t know where this came from. I started doing stuff I had never done before.
James Kennison:
Wow.
Lionel Harris:
When I first started, I story flat footed and just told jokes. I didn’t do act outs. I didn’t do anything. I literally just told jokes. And as my career has grown, I’ve started to use the other tools in my toolkit. And this night, I was using everything. I was on fire.
Lionel Harris:
And it was a good feeling, but.
Lionel Harris:
This guy in the front row caught my eye. So I started doing some crowd work, and I talked to this guy, and.
Lionel Harris:
I say, hey, has anybody ever told you that you look like an excellent.
Lionel Harris:
Cocaine salesman.
Lionel Harris:
Or a cool teacher who.
Lionel Harris:
Would be an excellent cocaine salesman?
John Steinklauber:
You think of Breaking Bad kind of scenario?
Lionel Harris:
No, I don’t know if was he.
Lionel Harris:
Cooking method that time?
Lionel Harris:
I’m trying to figure this. Yeah, he had been out by then.
Lionel Harris:
But I hadn’t seen the show.
James Kennison:
Yeah, yeah.
Lionel Harris:
So I’m going into this guy. I called him Mr. Gutierrez. I didn’t know what his name was.
Lionel Harris:
And I was like, oh, the kids.
Lionel Harris:
Want to take his class because he’s giving out free samples because the first one’s always free.
James Kennison:
Oh, yeah.
Lionel Harris:
So I go on and on. Crowd eats it up. I destroy.
Lionel Harris:
Have a good night.
Lionel Harris:
So my friend, he had been doing.
Lionel Harris:
Shows at this place regularly.
Lionel Harris:
And I know, man, weeks go by.
Lionel Harris:
No shows.
Lionel Harris:
So I called my friend.
Lionel Harris:
I said, hey, what’s going on with the venue? And he said, Nah, man. No more shows.
Lionel Harris:
And I was like, Why?
Lionel Harris:
And he’s like, do you remember that guy, Mr. Gutierrez?
Lionel Harris:
And I said, yeah.
Lionel Harris:
Oh, no.
Lionel Harris:
And he said, well, apparently the guy.
Lionel Harris:
Was really a criminal, and he was laundering money from the people that owned the venue and stole millions of dollars.
Lionel Harris:
So it was like I had the wrong crime. Right. But it was something about the guy that caught my eye. So he remembered it, and I sent it to the pilot that was the newspaper here. And they wrote the article about this whole thing.
Lionel Harris:
It was a real thing.
Lionel Harris:
It made the news.
James Kennison:
Wow.
Lionel Harris:
So.
Lionel Harris:
I was just laughing because I.
Lionel Harris:
Was like, oh, that’s a random occurrence.
James Kennison:
Right.
Lionel Harris:
But then I noticed that similar things.
Lionel Harris:
Started happening in shows after that.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, man.
Lionel Harris:
So now I’m nervous.
Lionel Harris:
I’m like, Why am I reading people’s.
Lionel Harris:
Mail when I’m up there doing crowd work?
James Kennison:
Because I God.
Lionel Harris:
That’s where everybody.
James Kennison:
You got discernment, brother.
Lionel Harris:
Right?
Speaker C:
That’s.
Lionel Harris:
Like, can I regift this? You know what I mean?
Lionel Harris:
Laugh at me or something.
Lionel Harris:
But man, yeah, it kept happening because this is a clean podcast. I won’t share with other stories, but just know that this kind of thing.
Lionel Harris:
Kept happening over and over for a while.
Lionel Harris:
I was afraid to do any type.
Lionel Harris:
Of interaction with the crowd because I.
Lionel Harris:
Was like everything was true, and it was, like, freaking me.
James Kennison:
There are criminals in jail and pedophiles off the streets because of Lionel Harris.
John Steinklauber:
He’s the joke prophet.
James Kennison:
Yes.
John Steinklauber:
You got a new title now.
James Kennison:
Don’t go to his show. If you’ve got a history, if you’ve got secrets, he is going to call you out.
Lionel Harris:
I’ve told this story in one of.
Lionel Harris:
My YouTube videos that I said, if.
Lionel Harris:
You look like an excellent cocaine salesman.
Lionel Harris:
Don’T sit in the front row.
Lionel Harris:
You know what I mean? Just go to the back. You know what I mean? Don’t come up close.
Lionel Harris:
That was my origin story.
James Kennison:
Yeah. I got to know where a cocaine salesman shops now. What makes you look like a cocaine salesman? I guess how much pomade you use.
Lionel Harris:
In your it’s really a vibe. It’s really you know what I mean?
Lionel Harris:
It’s that unknown factor. It’s that X factor.
Lionel Harris:
I can’t really say it’s a clothing thing.
James Kennison:
Right?
Lionel Harris:
It’s more of a vibe.
James Kennison:
That’s great.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah.
Lionel Harris:
He had a white horse vibe.
Lionel Harris:
That’s what it was.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
Lionel Harris:
Somebody has an extra six figures in their pocket right now from a cocaine.
John Steinklauber:
You need to give 10% of that.
John Steinklauber:
To the Lord and turn yourself in.
James Kennison:
That’s right.
Lionel Harris:
In a sample.
James Kennison:
Well, thanks for sharing with us. That’s amazing. And thank you for being on the show. I want to tell people where they can find you.
James Kennison:
Obviously, Lionelharris.com is your website.
James Kennison:
You can listen to Lionel Live, volume.
James Kennison:
One, on itunes, spotify, Amazon Music and YouTube music. I verified that today because I’m a YouTube music guy. Okay. And then his YouTube is Lionel Harris. His Facebook is at Lionel harris.com. So just type it out. One word. Lionel harris.com.
James Kennison:
And his instagram is at Jokeaday podcast. And be on the lookout next month or maybe Christmas for his podcast as well.
James Kennison:
And then get on and check out.
James Kennison:
His new show, Rent a Friend, on Dry Bar Comedy. Dry Bar is a great place for people that like clean comedy.
James Kennison:
That’s actually funny.
James Kennison:
That’s where I hunt for guests for the show, is find people who can work clean and still be hilarious. Usually they don’t go together very well.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah, that’s unfortunate.
Lionel Harris:
That’s the.
Lionel Harris:
Reputation.
Lionel Harris:
You know what I mean?
James Kennison:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
But there are people that pull it off, and Mr. Harris is one of them. So I suggest you go check him out, do a deep dive on Internet and find out if he’s really a cocaine fiend. We don’t know.
Lionel Harris:
I am not. He’s looking for just jokes.
James Kennison:
He’s looking for dealers.
James Kennison:
That’s what it is.
James Kennison:
That’s why he’s like every show.
James Kennison:
He’s like, mr. Gutierrez, are you here?
Lionel Harris:
No.
Lionel Harris:
Patriot act is not going to get me in trouble.
Lionel Harris:
No, sir.
James Kennison:
Thank you so much. So thank you so much for being on the show. I appreciate you.
John Steinklauber:
Yes.
Lionel Harris:
All right.
Lionel Harris:
Thank you guys for having me. Man, it was a blast.
James Kennison:
All right. Wasn’t he great?
John Steinklauber:
Yeah, he’s awesome. He’s definitely the kind of guy you could kick back with and watch Titanic.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, man. Are you going to have to edit any of that out?
James Kennison:
No.
James Kennison:
Editing nothing.
James Kennison:
Hey, let’s do some listener stories.
James Kennison:
All right.
James Kennison:
Our first is middle school drama.
Speaker C:
Move out of the way, stupid.
James Kennison:
I tell you, I get a lot.
James Kennison:
Of this every week. So I did. I went in and dug out a bunch. So here we go.
James Kennison:
Hello, James and John.
James Kennison:
I am Jackson. I have this weird skill where I take staples out of jamming the stapler. Though today it backfired on me. I remembered that my sister had a small purple stapler, and I was curious.
James Kennison:
Enough to ask her if I could.
James Kennison:
See if it was jammed.
James Kennison:
I opened it up and to my.
James Kennison:
Disappointment, it was perfectly placed in there.
James Kennison:
While I tried to close it, I didn’t notice that I actually was setting it up to shoot out a stapler, and it completely went straight through my pointer. Fingers.
John Steinklauber:
Okay.
James Kennison:
Fingers.
James Kennison:
Sure.
John Steinklauber:
It was an accident.
James Kennison:
It wasn’t even the worst part, for it stuck out of the other end of my finger. I was in shock as I noticed.
James Kennison:
That the impaling stapler was sticking my fingers together.
James Kennison:
It bled a little, but it’s still.
James Kennison:
To the moment I am typing this. I can see the staple hole through my nail and out the other way.
James Kennison:
I hope you liked my gross story, and I hope it makes it on the show.
John Steinklauber:
Jackson James, at your school, when you were younger yeah. Was it the thing to do, to accidentally quote, unquote, staple your fingers so that you could go home?
James Kennison:
Oh, no, man.
John Steinklauber:
When I was growing up, that was like, what people talked. Now, I went to a small Christian school, so they only talked about doing it because they heard about kids doing it in the public school. But, yeah, that was the thing. They would have accidentally stapled their finger so that they could go home.
James Kennison:
Wow.
James Kennison:
My mom would whoop my behind.
Lionel Harris:
Why’d you staple your finger for?
James Kennison:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
Are you stupid?
John Steinklauber:
It was an accident. It slipped.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
This is the third time this week I’ve had to take off work is you and that stupid stapler.
John Steinklauber:
I was helping the teacher, I swear.
James Kennison:
Is your teacher stupid too?
James Kennison:
What’s the deal anyway?
James Kennison:
Wow.
James Kennison:
Nunya says for the record, I am using my mom’s email. Don’t get us mixed up.
James Kennison:
Okay?
James Kennison:
One day I was at my dear grandmother’s house with two of my friends. We were outside on her trampoline.
James Kennison:
Grandma has a trampoline.
James Kennison:
We dared ourselves to be awkward. We started dancing like cheerleaders while we singing save big money at Menards in front of cars that drove by. One of us was a boy. That was very funny. Hope it makes it on the show.
John Steinklauber:
Okay.
John Steinklauber:
You got the Menards joke in there. That’s always funny.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
Save big money at Menards.
John Steinklauber:
We dared ourselves to be awkward, though.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
John Steinklauber:
Is that much of a dare when.
James Kennison:
You’Re in middle school?
Speaker C:
Middle school?
James Kennison:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
Let’s be awkward for a while. I’m 1213. I’m not awkward.
John Steinklauber:
Still trying to get out of that phase.
James Kennison:
Okay, we got more.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, man, this keeps going.
James Kennison:
From Karina.
James Kennison:
One time I was trying to call someone. I think it was my dad. I was very young and I dialed the wrong number.
James Kennison:
They answered.
James Kennison:
Either they were lecturing me or they were spanking their child.
James Kennison:
I could not tell.
James Kennison:
The got to.
James Kennison:
Figure that out before college. Are they lecturing me or are they beating the crap out of me?
James Kennison:
I don’t know. Being the four year old that I was, I awkwardly said dad. My mom overheard the lectures from over the phone that sounded like someone angrily whacking the heck out of their child. She rushed in and hung up.
James Kennison:
Hope it makes it okay.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, my goodness.
James Kennison:
The stuff we remember from childhood. This is from Shuki. I’m long time listener.
James Kennison:
I have a story worth telling. I live in Moscow, Idaho, where there is a lot of crazy people. Anyway, me and my sister after church were in a parking lot. There were some Latter day Saints missionaries who had been trying to spread the word. After many car doors slammed in their face, the two walked away and one guy started to scratch his butt.
John Steinklauber:
His butt? That doesn’t say scratch. It says starch.
James Kennison:
Oh, he started to starch his butt.
John Steinklauber:
His butt’s got some wrinkles in it. I need to get those wrinkles out. I could starch my butt.
James Kennison:
Got to get this worked out.
James Kennison:
Love middle school drama, man.
John Steinklauber:
It’s just oh, man, some of it.
James Kennison:
Is so dry that I can’t even read it in this segment. I mean, it’s just so basic. It’ll be like one sentence. Like one time I fell over and my mom said, Why?
James Kennison:
Hope it makes it on the show.
John Steinklauber:
That was some very rich stuff that we just had there. Yeah, very rich middle school stuff.
James Kennison:
It’s good in helpings and serving sizes. Like a TV dinner where each little bit you eat it a little at a time. But when it’s filling up your inbox. It’s a little overwhelming.
John Steinklauber:
Yeah, you got to make a meal out of it.
James Kennison:
Well, hit us a story, John.
John Steinklauber:
This is the messy mix up. My wife and I have three daughters who all played soccer during their childhood. And one day, while we were watching the World Cup Final, lionel Messi was on the field. My wife turned to me and asked how old he was, to which I replied that I didn’t know. She wanted to mention that she remembered some of our daughter’s teammates having soccer balls with his name on them. However.
James Kennison:
Come on.
Lionel Harris:
Okay.
James Kennison:
Come on.
John Steinklauber:
I gave her thank you.
John Steinklauber:
Thank you so much.
John Steinklauber:
I’m blushing. However, what she actually said was, I.
James Kennison:
Remember.
John Steinklauber:
Do you need me to do it?
John Steinklauber:
No, I can do it. What she said was, I remember some of their teammates with messy balls. We both personally laughed. After recovering, we headed to church, because that’s apparently where we needed to go.
James Kennison:
We needed to repent immediately. Pat Dyche. Thank you so much.
James Kennison:
Thank you.
James Kennison:
Always give the good ones to John.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, thank you.
John Steinklauber:
I’m sorry I couldn’t make it through was it was a lot of work.
James Kennison:
It’s all right.
James Kennison:
We got one more. Clay kaiser.
James Kennison:
Kaiser.
James Kennison:
Kaiser. I’m going to say Kaiser. Dolphin drama. Hey, James and John.
James Kennison:
My name is Clay.
James Kennison:
That story showing Red school bus have become road trip staples for our family. Awesome. Good to hear. Love that. This story takes place when I was about ten years old in a family vacation with my parents and older sister. This vacation was particularly special because we went to the Bahamas. Very nice. We had been looking forward to this trip for a long time.
James Kennison:
They were especially excited because we heard that close to our hotel was a.
James Kennison:
Place that you could swim and pet dolphins. Dolphins were my sister’s favorite animal, and though I wasn’t quite as excited as her, I was still pretty stoked and a little nervous to be in the water with these cool creatures. On our first day of the trip, I made a devastating discovery. I had forgotten my swimsuit. Yeah, a trip to Bahamas. No swimsuit. My dad had brought an extra suit for himself, and luckily, or unluckily for me, I was a very heavy ten year old.
James Kennison:
So even though it was a bit.
James Kennison:
Big, his extra suit would get the job done, or so I thought. Dun, dun, dun. When the day came to swim with the dolphins, I put on my dad’s suit and sat through the excessively long safety briefing. And at the end, they gave us instructions for the dolphin ride, quote, unquote, where two dolphins would swim up behind.
James Kennison:
Put their noses on our feet, and push us through the water.
James Kennison:
Our bodies would come up out of the water, and we would put our hands up in the air, like you see sometimes in movies, and they would snap pictures of everybody as souvenirs. John is about to die.
John Steinklauber:
I’m just picturing, you know, as a kid, you used to go there and they would do this trick all the time at SeaWorld.
James Kennison:
Yeah.
John Steinklauber:
I can’t wait to see what the payoff is.
James Kennison:
Skin suits on, though. The entire experience was incredible until it was my turn to ride the dolphins.
John Steinklauber:
It’s still incredible.
James Kennison:
I was last to go, and I lightened my swim trunks. I tightened my swim trunks as best I could. Lightened them.
John Steinklauber:
I lightened them because I knew what’s.
James Kennison:
Peeing in the corner.
John Steinklauber:
I’m glad Clay is last for this.
James Kennison:
I was treading water on my belly.
James Kennison:
And I heard the trainer blow their little dolphin whistle, and I felt the dolphin snouts hit my feet with more force than I had expected.
James Kennison:
I followed the instructions and I put my hands up over my head. And as the dolphins pushed me through the water, my oversized swim trucks decided.
James Kennison:
They were going to stay behind.
James Kennison:
The dolphins didn’t stop.
John Steinklauber:
Even though he had the kids trunks over his face.
James Kennison:
I was riding them with my entire body out of the water, trunks around my ankles and hands in the air, picture snapping. When the ride was over, I struggled to get my pants back on and.
James Kennison:
Return to the group.
James Kennison:
I was mortified, and everybody was laughing hysterically, like John.
Lionel Harris:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
Poor Clay. As we were leaving, they had everyone’s picture displayed on the big screen where.
James Kennison:
You could purchase prints of you riding a dolphin.
James Kennison:
And there was a sheet of paper taped over the corner of the screen where my picture was.
John Steinklauber:
Good pork.
James Kennison:
Clay.
John Steinklauber:
You’ll never get to remember that experience with a picture.
James Kennison:
Nobody’s going to buy that photo.
John Steinklauber:
They just said, we can’t put this.
James Kennison:
Get some paper is illegal. Why did they even bother? It still makes me cringe thinking about anybody who makes it on the show. Of course it made it on the show. Are you crazy?
John Steinklauber:
This is the best story ever. Oh, my goodness. Poor thing.
John Steinklauber:
I’m so glad Clay had the bravery to share that, because all I can picture is those moments when, you know, the SeaWorld shows where they have the dolphins or where Shamu is pushing the person through the water and they’re way up in the air.
James Kennison:
Oh, yeah.
James Kennison:
Complete exposure. Just no hope of getting anything fixed. Ten solid seconds of just being up there on those dolphins.
John Steinklauber:
It lasted eternity. When your pants are down.
John Steinklauber:
I mean.
John Steinklauber:
You have all sorts of time to contemplate your life.
John Steinklauber:
What led me to this moment oh.
James Kennison:
Poor Clay and his mama paid probably $200 a person for that.
John Steinklauber:
Oh, yeah.
James Kennison:
Can’t even get a picture. Can’t even get a picture.
John Steinklauber:
Can’t even get a picture. Good thing he was in a different country, though, because he didn’t know anybody there.
James Kennison:
Yeah, it’s true. What happens in the Bahamas stays in the Bahamas until it happens on that story show.
John Steinklauber:
Yeah.
James Kennison:
We got a couple of announcements.
James Kennison:
Hats are available on Etsy.com. Nlcast just sold one today. Got it out in the mail. We get them out quick. They’re awesome.
James Kennison:
100% cotton dad caps, precurved visor, pre washed.
James Kennison:
They have a nice texture to them. Big embroidered logo on the front. That story show. Pick yours up today for only $20.
James Kennison:
Subscribe to that story show’s YouTube channel.
James Kennison:
If you haven’t yet, we’re doing two shorts a week and I just posted a channel video that I’d love for.
James Kennison:
You to check out that helps you.
James Kennison:
To know how to subscribe to the podcast. So go check it out. Also, our theme show, the next one.
James Kennison:
Is called Canada Stories.
Lionel Harris:
Our next theme show only Canada stories. All Canada, all the time.
James Kennison:
So if you are from Canada, we want to hear from you. Or if you have a Canada story, we want you to send it in. Just visit that Story show, click, submit a story and you are good to go. You can also call them in. We’ll get there. I don’t know the number right off top of my head.
James Kennison:
This podcast is possible because of our members who support us even though they don’t have to.
James Kennison:
So get your show perks, like ad free listening swag and weekly bonus podcasts@patreon.com.
James Kennison:
That storyshow.
James Kennison:
I had a patron actually call it that storyshow. Premium. That’s what he thinks of it as because he’s enjoying his perks so much. Special thanks to our producers james Spangler, Kerry Wright and Christopher Tynen. We have got to get out of here.
James Kennison:
Surely you have a funny life story and you want to hear it read on the show. You got to send it in, though. Submit your story at thatstory show. Or you can call it in. Toll free 83355 story. And while you’re there, join our mailing list.
James Kennison:
We got Instagram, we got Facebook, we.
James Kennison:
Got all the stuff. And remember, hilarious stories, we all got one, so you need to share yours.
James Kennison:
On that Story show.
James Kennison:
We’ll see you guys next week. Goodbye, John.
John Steinklauber:
Bye, James.
James Kennison:
Bye, everybody. We’ll see you guys later.
John Steinklauber:
There’s got to be a song.
James Kennison:
Okay, now you said it. Now I can’t perform.
James Kennison:
All right.
John Steinklauber:
And where’d my pants go?
James Kennison:
Here we go.
James Kennison:
All right.
James Kennison:
Well, I’m just a dolphin doing what I’ve been trained to do. I just push some feet and push.
James Kennison:
The all the way through this little pool after they’ve gone through the safety requirements, I didn’t know this kid was going to get so excited. His dress suit came down. We pushed him up and there was no one but him with a frown because everybody else was laughing and cheering. That poor kid was up there like, I don’t know. Nothing’s coming to my mind.
James Kennison:
It’s hard to compete with that story alone.
James Kennison:
It is.
James Kennison:
Dolphin ride cheering. Nothing runs with cheering. Orange.