“A metal barrel hanging from a pine tree.” Words that should never be put together in a sentence… but there they are just the same.
Those who listen to us in the car, the office, or in a public place may want to pull to the side of the road, wait for lunch, or till you’re completely alone as to avoid any sudden urges to ignore the rules of the road, the ears of your co-workers or the awkward sideways glances from the other passengers because this week’s story will have you laughing uncontrollably until you potentially have a crash, are fired from your job, or become banned from public transportation. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Huge thanks (yet again) to the Weekly Murloc for sharing us with their listeners. Now we got all this pressure to keep it super funny every moment of the p-cast so as not to injure or otherwise harm the reputation of said podcast’s hosts due to the fact that they said we were good, clean and even “church share-able” (yea-verily). Yea, thank you soooo much!
We’re asking listeners to put a pin in our Frapper Map. But we’re only asking for a while. Soon it will be a requirement enforced by my sand-ninja brother John… so go ahead and do it now while it’s still voluntary.
Check out our Forums – Nobody’s Posting – and make that title seem stupid by posing something cool. At least go look at it. I worked hard, dang! Some people. You’d think asking something as simple as clicking a link… err.
We hope you enjoy this week’s episode. Keep your comments, stories, e-‘n-v-mails coming. We love you all. Except Dave from Georgia. You ain’t gettin’ squat fool.
**
Show Notes
Hosts: James Kennison, David Kennison
Runtime: 38:46
Weekly Update: James and Jenna took a nap. Then Jenna ditched her diaper. James also farted in his office.
Featured Story: James tells the story of the tire swing and the spinning barrel of doom that was inflicted upon David and John when they were little children. James and David laugh themselves to tears.
News: Check out the Frappr fan map. The site now has forums. Call the show on the Nobody Line or send in an email.
E & V-Mail:
- John, a friend of James, sent in a story about a youth group trip and kids trying to be cool.
- Nathan thinks the podcast is great and offers an interview.
- John (brother of David and James) accuses the podcast of slandering him, but thinks the show was great.
- Dave from Georgia offers some advice to Vance.
Recap Song: David doesn’t even have a lawn to mow. He has a groggy voice. James does everything so big, dawg. David sucked his thumb until he was 15. He could have thrown up his innards on the swing. Thanks to the Weekly Murloc people from WoW from the land of Azeroth. Go to the forums, don’t ignore’um.
Memorable Moments:
- James: “Well, I’m glad I could help, but NEVER AGAIN!”
- James: “I hope you aren’t driving, y’all, ’cause you all just ran off the road and killed your own selves.”
- David: “My lungs were in my butt cheeks. Every time I sat down, I was out of breath.”
- James: “Your inner child is still dizzy, isn’t it, David?”
- James: “Why do we get along? Why do you talk to me?”
- James: “I know you’re married. I know you have children. They’ve just forgotten who you are, because now you’re a level 49 Tauren hunter named ‘Clydesdale’.”
Hosts: James Kennison, David Kennison
Runtime: 38:46
Weekly Update: James and Jenna took a nap. Then Jenna ditched her diaper. James also farted in his office.
Featured Story: James tells the story of the tire swing and the spinning barrel of doom that was inflicted upon David and John when they were little children. James and David laugh themselves to tears.
News: Check out the Frappr fan map. The site now has forums. Call the show on the Nobody Line or send in an email.
E & V-Mail:
John, a friend of James, sent in a story about a youth group trip and kids trying to be cool.
Nathan thinks the podcast is great and offers an interview.
John (brother of David and James) accuses the podcast of slandering him, but thinks the show was great.
Dave from Georgia offers some advice to Vance.
Recap Song: David doesn’t even have a lawn to mow. He has a groggy voice. James does everything so big, dawg. David sucked his thumb until he was 15. He could have thrown up his innards on the swing. Thanks to the Weekly Murloc people from WoW from the land of Azeroth. Go to the forums, don’t ignore’um.
Memorable Moments:
James: “Well, I’m glad I could help, but NEVER AGAIN!”
James: “I hope you aren’t driving, y’all, ’cause you all just ran off the road and killed your own selves.”
David: “My lungs were in my butt cheeks. Every time I sat down, I was out of breath.”
James: “Your inner child is still dizzy, isn’t it, David?”
James: “Why do we get along? Why do you talk to me?”
James: “I know you’re married. I know you have children. They’ve just forgotten who you are, because now you’re a level 49 Tauren hunter named ‘Clydesdale’.”
Full Transcript
[00:00] David: Broke ya. Broke ya. Broke ya.
[00:17] James: Hello, ladies and gentlemen out there in podcast land. This is Nobody’s Listening with your host, James.
[00:23] David: And David.
[00:24] James: And we are here today because Nobody’s Listening podcast is all about us telling funny stories about our lives, true stories, and giving you the opportunity to do the same. So this is episode five, David. Episode five? Yeah, dude, we’ve been doing this for over a month now.
[00:39] James: Wow. And today is January the 24th, 2007, and you are here with us. So we’re so glad that you decided to come back. First thing, out of the bucket, is now that we’ve introduced ourselves, we just want to welcome, take a quick second and welcome all of our new listeners from the Weekly Murloc.
[01:00] James: How you doing, Weekly Murloc Peeps?
[01:01] David: Yeah, thanks for listening in.
[01:03] James: Thanks for coming on and pushing buttons, man, and downloading and listening on your iPod. That is difficult work. It is.
[01:10] David: I can’t even do it.
[01:10] James: You know, it’s not really for Weekly Murloc listeners, because they push buttons constantly on WoW. They’re high tech. I just want to let you guys know, the tie‑in with the Weekly Murloc is iPlayWoW. I have a level 60 Undead Rogue on the Zildjian server, and he’s a spec for pvp and I’ve just gotten into that ’cause I don’t have a lot of time for rating so anyway my brother has no stinking clue what that means I know he’s a newbie.
[01:37] David: What’s in the hotel okay tell me what you play I play up to level fifty.
[01:42] James: 16 15 16 15 or 16 on a trial account with and you play to what who was it?
[01:47] David: It was the big elf or no big cow looking thing. It went moo.
[01:51] James: His name was Prissy foot. His name was Prissy foot and he was a Torin Torin and he was a warrior warrior. Yes, he fished a lot and liked long walks on the beach.
[02:02] Speaker 1: Oh
[02:03] James: And David still doesn’t know what a murloc is. I still don’t know. I’m going to have to introduce you to murlocs.
[02:08] David: I was listening to their podcast, and I was like, what’s it called? Like a mini murloc?
[02:14] James: A baby murloc? Yes, a baby murloc. Murky. Murky.
[02:17] James: And you were wondering why they passionately wanted one this week. Yeah, anyway, so thank you. Thank you. Just officially Jonathan and Michael from the Weekly Murloc for helping us out. We hope you enjoy our show. So anyway we always start with a weekly update and let you guys kind of know what has gone down in our week.
[02:38] David: Okay?
[02:38] James: Do you mean yeah, yeah first last week. I’ll go this this time I got two things and I’ll try to get through them quick because this is a half‑hour show. I was, as you guys know, last week my baby learned how to take her diaper off. That’s a funny thing, it’s a funny thing and so anyway she… this week I’m… I’m… I’m okay, it’s Sunday afternoon, she’s tired, she wouldn’t go to sleep so we left her in a room and the girl cried for forty‑five minutes and I’d finalize like, you know, I can’t handle this anymore, I’am gonna get her and bring her around, I grab her, pull up but I’m like, you know, you win.
[03:17] James: And I sat her down, and I’m stomping off. I’m a little upset. I’m not being mean to her, but I was like, you win. And she’s kind of stumbling around, like walking down the hallway.
[03:26] James: And I realized, this girl is tired. She’s fighting it, but she is tired. So I’m like, Jen, you want to go lay down with Daddy? She’s like, uh‑huh.
[03:33] James: So we went and laid down and slept for two hours. And when we woke up she’s waking up and all this. Anyway, long story short, I’m up, she’s up, the nap’s over, my wife is messing with her, changing her diaper, and she suddenly yells down the hall, “You know this baby didn’t have a diaper on, don’t you?” Oh, gosh.
[03:54] James: Dude, she had her tights on, her pantyhose, inside out. So apparently sometime in that 45 minutes she had taken her tights off, put them on backwards and upside down or whatever. I would have never known in a million years I took a nap, a two‑hour nap with a two‑year‑old that could have peed all over me. Did she know? No, no, no—I was proud of her except I was horrified and my wife’s the exact opposite. She’s like, this is a great sign and I’m like, how so?
[04:27] David: This was twisted and weird; she goes, “No, it just means she’s almost ready for potty training because they say when they can nap without peeing themselves.”
[04:35] James: That’s a great sign. I’m like, well, I’m glad I could help but never again. Don’t, don’t, don’t, never again. Jenna, if this is 25 years later and you’re 27 and you’re hearing this… that was a bad thing you did, girl.
[05:00] David: No, I farted.
[05:05] James: I’ve been doing that for a while, like all my whole life pretty much. Anyway, I thought it was safe, you know? And I know it’ll be time. There’s an inlet and an exhaust vent right in my office, so there’s lights, lots of circulation.
[05:17] David: So I think I’m okay.
[05:18] James: So I rip one. Yeah, immediately a sweet little lady named Jackie who cleans our offices appears. Oh gosh, and she’s the sweetest thing in the world. This lady is made out of sugar and spice and everything nice. You know the whole thing, just a sweet little lady, and she’s like I’m here to get your trash and I immediately jumped up, grabbed my trash can, said, “Man, Jack, I’m gonna bring it to you this week.” I thought she’d think that was nice. I was gonna be all smooth.
[05:44] James: She goes, she gets this confused look on her face, “Why are you doing this?” I’m like, “Oh, nothing, Jackie,” as I’m trying to pull the door closed behind me. I just wanted to bring it over and she suddenly gets this look of realization on her face, her eyes get bigger, her mouth opens.
[06:17] James: She goes, “I just never imagined you doing that.” She goes to the church, you know, and I guess pastors don’t fart—no, they don’t on Sundays, nonsense, or Wednesday nights, but pretty much any other time. It’s okay. The 11th Commandment allows for it. Yes, I—
[06:39] James: It was so horrifying. But she just thought that was the funniest thing in the world, and she kept telling people, she was telling people, she’s going in the hall.
[06:48] David: Oh, no, tooted.
[06:52] James: I’m sorry. It was to Ted.
[07:10] James: He just moved here in case you’re wondering; he’s looking for a job.
[07:12] David: Yeah, so that’s my weekly update. But besides that, that’s about it. Okay, I don’t feel comfortable enough to use my Elsa story for the weekly update.
[07:23] James: Okay, great. That’s fine. That’s our weekly update. Hope you enjoyed that. It is now time for the featured story. As you know each week we’re going to take turns and this week’s my turn, and David, what I decided to do was I wanted to tell them the story of our tire swing in Uli, Florida. Oh, the torture chamber— is that what you call it?
[07:54] David: That’s what we called it. The things we’re not supposed to speak of.
[07:56] James: Hold on. Okay, we had this amazing rope swing. I remember it completely differently than he did because I was 10 years older. But this pine tree was huge.
[08:07] James: I mean, there’s only two kinds of trees in Florida: pine trees and oak trees. And this was a pine tree 100 miles up in the air—a big old giant rope hanging from the only branch this thing had.
[08:16] James: It leaned just perfectly and it’s hard to explain but if you got in it there was a board—okay, I’m sorry—a tire on this thing and you could sit on top of the tire, somehow get up behind the tree, push off and do flips and stuff in the air as you rotated in a circle back to the other side of the tree where you could time it perfectly every time, put your feet on the tree and push off and go back, and we just did that for hours. That was before you were allowed to come outside. Yeah, you and John and then after that the tire fell off or something and we put a big loop at the end of this thing and realized that a 50‑gallon metal drum—okay—was metal, fit perfectly and in this, maybe it was plastic.
[09:03] James: We had plastic ones and metal ones. I think it was a metal one, though. Anyway, it fit perfectly inside this loop. And so we began to insert Jonathan and David, who must have been four, five, six years old, into this barrel and swing them around.
[09:18] James: Okay, just push them around. And it was fun and all this stuff. But then, David, if you remember carefully, we began realizing that if we spun this thing hard enough in a circle, you know, it could make them dizzy. So we’d have fun doing that but then we were like, no, no, no, not just spinning it back and forth—let’s wind this thing up like a balsa‑wood airplane and…
[09:38] David: And dude, we one time wound this thing up with them in it so tight that there were knots up in the rope. You know what I’m talking about? Where there wasn’t rope.
[09:48] James: It was just a series of knots. It was three or four feet higher off the ground than it usually was. We had these boys in there and we let it go. And this thing was like, it was like the speed of light.
[10:00] James: It was like a big circle, just hanging at the end of a string and who you would laugh. So who stinking hard, David?
[10:09] David: I want you to get—I want to give you the opportunity to explain what this was, my size and tortured by inside the barrel of doom.
[10:29] David: All the grown‑ups went to go talk, and me and John were sitting there next to the bucket. And they came back, “Hey guys, you want to try something new?” Yeah, we want to worship thy elder brothers and sisters. You guys loved us.
[10:51] David: We did. So y’all put us in the bucket again, and we’re sitting there, and we’re like, dude, this will be so cool, Jonathan, and all this stuff. So then they start turning us. It wasn’t going that fast.
[11:01] David: The thing is, when a bucket has people in it, it’s pretty much sitting straight up. Right?
[11:06] James: It’s like up and down.
[11:08] David: So you can get out the top of it. By this thing going, spinning all the way around, it was horizontal to the bushes. So when we were spinning around we saw yours, Amy’s, and Leanne’s faces. We were laughing.
[11:27] David: You guys were plastered to the back of the thing. We couldn’t move. Centrifugal force! We couldn’t move!
[11:34] David: And you guys were crying! I always see the light! I see the light, and I try to see my hand go up to the light to grab the air that gets slapped myself in the face because gravity slaps me. Just be crying in the barrel and I don’t know why it seems so twisted now. But it was the funniest thing in the world and when it was over the best part—oh, shut—the best part is that they would— they’d the barrel would go back down to vertical again where the opening was at the top.
[12:05] David: In the … and they would try to get him out and they couldn’t move, so we would just pick up the end of the barrel and they would just lie there. However, they fell like two ragdolls just moaning, like two old dogs that were having seizures. Every time I look up y’all would be moving, I would try to go to y’all, keep backing up, James, watch, watch, and you know what I? The sad thing is we did that so many times. That’s when I get woozy on roller coasters and stuff.
[12:42] David: So you’d think it would have built up a tolerance.
[12:44] James: You should be able to be like an astronaut on that spinning gyration thing that makes people’s faces bend back. You’d be like smoking a cigarette or something. Just like, yeah, turn it up, man. There’s nothing compared to my brother.
[12:58] James: I just close my eyes and see y’all. Oh my gosh. Oh, that was so fun. Dude that thing just spin around vertical, horizontal rather.
[13:08] James: I mean it was parallel with the ground, dude. It was, and the rope would be spinning so fast too that it looked like a Bowstring if you ever take a rope and just hold it and spin it around. Oh my goodness.
[13:21] Speaker 1: Oh
[13:23] David: It was horrible, dude, because… and you guys would be in there going, you’d hear… she went around, and the opening would come past your head. The thing is…
[13:35] David: And you couldn’t hardly talk, so you didn’t even know how to say stop. Our lungs were in my buttcheeks. Every time I sat down, I got out of breath. We got the same freaking laugh. I’m crying, me too.
[14:06] James: Oh God hurts when you laugh that hard.
[14:09] David: Oh, all right. I hope you ain’t driving y’all. Oh, yeah, ’cause y’all just ran off the road and killed you on self.
[14:15] Speaker 1: Oh
[14:16] David: Hopefully the police officer and most people are listening. They’ll die with a smile on their face anyway. Oh, man.
[14:23] James: What’s our fault, officer? Nobody listens to our podcast.
[14:26] David: That’s why we call it Nobody’s Listening.
[15:02] James: Oh, man. Oh, man. You know there’s some child activist person that’s just so horrified. They’re like, if you were still eight years old, we’d bust your behind.
[15:29] James: We would take you away from your parents. Your inner child is still dizzy, isn’t it, David?
[15:49] David: Sometimes we get cross‑eyed sometimes.
[15:54] James: And you know, the sad thing is that isn’t even the worst we did to you guys. See, there was me, Leanne, and Amy, and we were born within three years. Then there was a gap, and then there were two brothers. And I’ve mentioned David and I are half‑brothers.
[15:59] David: Well, the thing is I was too young. I remember that one that was like a trauma. You know, it’s like an EKG. I’m surprised you remember as much as you did; it goes up, you know. That’s when James traumatized you as a kid. Oh, oh that was another time. So you don’t have a lot of memories of these horrible things? No, I just have these peaks.
[16:14] James: So why did we get along? Why did you talk to me? I don’t know. Okay.
[16:30] James: Grace. Grace of Jesus. Anyway, that was our featured story.
[16:43] David: That was a good one.
[16:58] James: Now it’s time for news, email, and voicemails. Sweet. And our news today has to do with our website. We would love for you to go onto our Frapper map that is on our website.
[17:13] James: Our website is nlcast.com. Click on our frapper fan map and put a pin in where you’re located. We’ve got one from Ireland, one from California, one from Kansas, two from Missouri, one from Connecticut and a new one from Connecticut. We want to know where you’re listening from, we want to know where your bodies are, yeah, so do that for us. Also, we have added forums. If you know what forums are great—if you don’t, talk to the other listeners who do, get on there and post a question. We have spaces for you to talk about each show and interact with us. We have spots for you to show your creativity—draw, write lyrics, make songs of your own. I am a huge fan of genius in just about any form, so post your stuff up there. If you have an online portfolio, post a link.
[17:38] James: My favorite part—what I hope people will take advantage of—is I’ve got a space in there for people to put their own weekly updates. Any crazy stories, anything, and it doesn’t have to be weekly, but the concept is any time something stupid, weird, or embarrassing happens to you.
[17:45] David: Run to a computer.
[17:47] James: Put it up there, or better yet, call us on the Nobody line.
[17:50] David: At 206‑600‑5704.
[17:55] James: Or email us at nobodyslisteningtous at gmail.com and let us know that stuff and we’ll put it on the show if we have time. It has to be funny, has to be true, has to be clean—very clean—and it has to be from the bottom of your heart, from a human. Not an alien. No alien—I know aliens lie, they do.
[18:12] James: As far as email goes, Dave, I have a story from a friend of mine actually named John. He says that after listening to the Basement Ghostman episode, and he heard about Dave’s son Luke peeing on him, he thought he had to bring this story. He said he was on a youth group trip when he was 16 or 17. His youth group was very racially diverse, so there were some white kids trying to fit in with the racial diversity.
[18:42] James: Here’s the deal: some kid named Bill was trying to be very cool and act like a hardcore gangsta. He was always using the word “dog.” The youth pastor’s name was Dog, as far as I can tell. At one point they were having a sleepover at a youth camp and it turned out that this guy Bill was in the room with the youth pastor at the time, who happened to be John’s brother. The youth pastor woke up in the middle of the night and immediately smelled a horrid poo‑poo smell.
[19:23] James: Oh, God. Because there’s poo, he notices it all over the floor, trailing. He thinks an animal got in here and dumped a huge pile all over the room. He follows it to the bathroom and sees it in the bathroom, then follows the poop back the other way and it leads to Bill’s bed.
[19:47] James: So this is undoubtedly the source of the poop, and he’s wondering what the mess is. He wakes Bill up: “Bill, what’s going on?”
[19:54] James: Bill looks around. There’s poop on the floor leading up to his bed, poop all over him. He says, “I don’t know, dog.”
[19:59] James: He doesn’t know. He still has to keep his little persona going. He says he spent most of the night cleaning up what nobody ever fessed up to. Fortunately for Bill, he was in the room with his brother by himself, and nobody else heard the story except John later on.
[20:19] James: I think it’s hilarious that this guy kept his cool even though he had just done the most un‑gangster thing possible—pooping on himself. It’s funny because where I work the church is majorly racially diverse—black, white, Hispanic, Asian. If you aren’t in a community where you can interact with other races, you’re missing out.
[20:53] James: There are a lot of things like that that happen. I just thought of a story we’ll tell later about taking a bunch of our African‑American students down to Texas.
[21:14] James: Anyway, that’s all for news. Let’s move on to voicemails.
[21:36] James: So let’s do this. Voicemail number one.
[21:38] Speaker 4: Hello. This is Nathan. I joined your podcast for Nobody’s Listening and I was listening and I’m leaving a message because I thought your podcast was great and you can call me back for a live interview if you like. Enjoyed your stories and hope you all have a wonderful day.
[22:05] Speaker 4: And we’ll be looking forward to the next podcast. Talk to y’all later. Bye.
[22:12] James: Okay. All right. Now, let me say this. Nathan does not sound like that.
[22:15] James: I know this guy. You know who he sounds like? I don’t know. I don’t know.
[22:19] James: He must have been a weird mood. He sounds like Marty McFly’s dad if you’re into Back to the Future.
[22:27] David: Yeah, I can’t remember.
[22:38] James: He’s like, I write sci‑fi stories about the future.
[22:40] Speaker 1: Science fiction stories about visitors coming down to Earth from other planets. Gotcha.
[22:45] James: Nobody reads my stories. Anyway, Nathan, we’re glad you’re out there, buddy. Glad you enjoy it. We may call you for a live interview.
[22:53] James: Unfortunately at this time we don’t have a way to record live interviews yet. But we’re glad you’re out there, buddy. I need to call you, man.
[23:04] James: You’re supposed to get with me, and you haven’t. So call me. Here’s voicemail number two from someone we know well.
[23:11] Speaker 2: Hey, you guys. Guess who it is. It’s John, or you might know me as your brother, Jonathan. Yeah, I just listened to the show for the first time.
[23:20] Speaker 2: That crap about me being in some kind of styrofoam cooler in a bath pool. Just so you know, I did a little research, and that’s slander. So my people will be getting in touch with your people. You might want to expect that.
[23:38] Speaker 2: Everything else, I guess the show was great. Good stuff. Oh, and also I got in touch with Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam because I noticed one song was Yellow Lead Belly or something. Yeah, that’s another thing.
[23:53] Speaker 2: So yeah, you guys, great show. Keep up the good work and we’ll hear from you.
[23:59] James: Well, wow. Busted. Our brother does listen to the podcast.
[24:03] David: He knows he’s a ninja now.
[24:05] James: We don’t even know why we say he’s a ninja. But it was all about you getting punched in the knee that time. Anyway, John, glad you’re listening, buddy. Anytime you want to enhance this podcast by telling your side of the story, please—dude—we might hook it up and get you on a Skype call.
[24:27] David: He’s got Skype.
[24:29] James: Really? He got Skype?
[24:31] David: Yep. Does he really? Yep. I think so.
[24:38] James: Will he sit close to the microphone? Hopefully. Anyway, all right. We got one more voicemail.
[24:40] Speaker 3: Yeah, this is Dave from Macon, Georgia. Long‑time listener to the Dave and James show. Just got a little advice for Vance. I just heard he left a message on iTunes for you guys, and I think that’s great.
[24:53] Speaker 3: Good job, Vance. But listen, man, don’t hold your breath on getting that autographed post‑it note. I won the funniest story last week and I still haven’t got my Burger King hat.
[25:06] Speaker 3: I’ve been running to the mailbox every day like a teenage boy waiting for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition to come out, and it’s just not showing up. So, man, don’t hold your breath, but if you can just find three minutes, just wad that crown up and send it to my house. You got the address. Peace out.
[25:28] James: Oh, man. All right. Yeah, there’s no excuse for that. Sorry.
[25:33] James: All right. Well, it’s time for our recap song. If you guys don’t know, every week we do a recap of the show in song.
[25:39] David: Live to hard drive. Here we go. My brother David over here doesn’t have much going on. Nothing at all.
[26:02] David: Doesn’t even have a lawn to mow, so he sleeps in his pajamas. Every time I call him, he has a groggy voice. That’s why he has no choice but to say there’s nothing going on. I’m not dissing you, my bro.
[26:25] David: What’s up, dog? Hey, don’t you know? I didn’t poop on top of the flow. It’s not the way I am.
[26:36] David: If it’s not blinging like Sam, then I’m doing it in the can. Don’t do it on my hands. Don’t trail it down the hall. I poop large and I don’t poop small.
[26:53] David: I do everything so big dog. Even my log dog. Anyway, let’s move along. A different part of the recap song.
[27:07] David: Don’t you know there was a 50‑gallon drum that I hid from my brother who sucked his thumb till he was 15 years old. Yep. We spun that drum so tight. It was four feet up off, alright.
[27:24] David: And we let that sucker go. I think he went forward in time a minute or so, or maybe it was back. I’m not too sure.
[27:33] David: All I know is that I had to dump him on the floor. I’m surprised he didn’t puke more than he did. I guess it was because he was only four and the gag reflex wasn’t developed as much as it should have been, I reckon.
[27:50] James: It’s the way it goes.
[27:53] David: Of course, if he had thrown up, it could have been his innards, and then my mom would have called the sitter, then she might have called the police, and then I would have been in trouble with people.
[28:10] David: And then maybe David would have gotten sick, and he would have to grow up inside a bubble. That would be so bad. It would make me sad. At least I wouldn’t have to wear deodorant around him.
[28:25] David: That’s the way it is. When you got two brothers that are smaller than you they can’t fight back and you can do whatever you want. It’s just the greatest thing I ever seen—a little boy frothing and spitting and drooling on himself in the back of a drum. Oh my goodness, where did that come from? Anyway I just want to thank you, all you Murloc people from WoW. From the land of Azeroth, you’d get a girl but you don’t know how. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[29:05] James: I don’t want to diss you guys, because I know you have girls, I know you’re married, I know you have children. They’ve just forgotten who you are. Because now you’re a level 49 tauren hunter named Clydesdale and you’ve had three pets in your life.
[29:20] James: One you named Cat because you didn’t know what the heck you were doing. Then you destroyed him. Are you sure? Yes.
[29:28] James: You got one of those big, giant, ugly birds from the Barrens, and you carried him around for a while. You thought maybe if I name him something, like Perk, or Chippy, or Satan Lover, that it would work. It didn’t. Then with the patch you saw those giant snakes and you said, “How the heck do I get one of those?”
[29:48] James: You tried, at level 49, that snake kicked your behind. Your little pixelated butt was scattered all over the floor. I walked by your skeleton the other day.
[29:58] James: Actually it was your corpse. You didn’t even have the decency to res. You just logged off and cried, and you know you did, because deep down inside you know you need to be with that little girl you had with your daughter. What about the little girl you had with your daughter?
[30:15] James: That’s the clean podcast, Michael. You can tell people about church. Tell people at church about it. Anyway, let me wrap this up.
[30:22] James: Let me wrap this up.
[30:43] David: John, thank you for the poop song. For the story I made into a poop song. Thank you, all of you that are going to go on the Frapper map and tell us where you live so we can borrow dollars from you. Notice we don’t have a PayPal link.
[30:48] James: Because we’re not going to do that, I think. Anyway, go to the forums.
[31:04] David: That’s the way it goes, my brother man. You made me laugh so hard I thought I would have a conniption. And then I would have to go swimming to make sure it didn’t go. I’m calling out to you—this is a call, this is a call out—cause every time I fall out I gotta run back to you and I’m losing all control now and the hazard signs are all out. I’m asking why I’m asking what this life is all about. Anyway it’s all about—it’s all about.
[31:55] James: Please show me what this life is all about. Email is this week—stop what you’re doing right now. Email is nobody’s listening to us at gmail.com. Call on the nobody line six two six five zero seven zero two, six two zero six six five zero eight two, six six five zero seven four—that’s right, and, uh… go the frapper map, check out the forums, uh… leave us a review on iTunes. Thank you…
[32:35] James: All of you that have—we’re up to like five or six iTunes reviews and that’s awesome. People come in, it helps our poor little pitiful kenison souls that we have that.
[32:44] David: That’s mine.
[32:45] James: And the other part is that, you know, I don’t care how many iTunes we get. I don’t care how many forum posts we get. I don’t care how many emails or stories that are sent in. There’s always one thing that’s true above all other truths.
[32:58] James: That truth is that nobody’s listening. That was better this week, dude. I say we not fight. We always fight at the end of the show.
[33:11] James: Say something, dude. Get down. You know what you need to do? You need to talk about, you need to put that guitar down and you need to tell us about the ice, the high‑speed chase.
[33:54] James: I don’t know why I keep trying to think it’s ice.
[33:55] David: Oh crap, Matt would totally kill me. Yeah. Okay, my first year in Phoenix, Masters, whatever you want to call it, you can edit that. Um, I, uh, with my leaders, my Matt Hyatt, or who cares, Matt, just killed him.
[34:09] David: Got him killed by some crazy person. Sorry, dude. That’s you in heaven. Here’s in heaven.
[34:16] David: That’s all I got to say. My two friend Matt’s we we got in the parking lot where there wasn’t no pavement yet and we started doing doughnuts in the dirt. Mm‑hm.
[34:26] David: Well in Phoenix you can’t do that because the dirt has a fungus in it. Ooh you know get people sick in that area. Well, that was so kind of you to do that. It was we killed a couple stray cats, but um, so when we were doing doughnuts we couldn’t see anything. We see this big church bus whiz past, start yelling, “Hey, y’all need to stop doing that! Y’all need to stop doing it!” And Matt is like everybody put your seatbelts on. We took off down cave, cave.
[34:52] David: You were right in front of the church and in the big bus are like a hundred past I don’t know big yellow church bus so we’re job done. Math like these are bad Nickelodeon is horrible so we start dart now and he’s getting up on it man he’s cutting people off to get to us. Well we turned left, us in the bus with one man in it, that’s it. So he’s taking off towards us the whole match like just get down, get down, turn around, keep your eyes up on the bus. Those words that so we’re whizzing down the street and we do some loops and down some short roads and come back to exactly where we were and start doing it again. The dude came back out and we jet it off again, so he never calls. He’s yelling though. So we had to paint the car that night a different color to let them know.
[35:44] James: We had to clean your nostrils out so you wouldn’t have the fungus.
[35:47] David: Oh, we had gas masks on. Yeah, that was so kind. Yeah, messed up.
[35:50] James: All right, so anybody out there in Phoenix that lives around that area and you had a fungus attack, now you know.
[35:56] David: Matt, Matt, and David. David. Matt. Matt and David.
[36:02] David: Matt, Matt, and David.
[36:03] James: And if you hear of anybody dying in the Phoenix area, not our fault. Sorry, Matt. David’s fault, not mine.
[36:09] David: Sorry, Matt.
[36:10] James: Matt.
[36:11] David: A monkey, and nobody knew this monkey but me. Like I did know this monkey. Do it again. That thing sounds so good.
[36:37] David: Alright, let’s get going. You know my name. If I saw you in heaven would you feel the same if I saw you in heaven? Here we go, I don’t know that what’s wrong I can carry on cause I know you don’t belong here in heaven as you are mine.
[37:28] James: Dude, do you know the story behind that? Yes, I do.
[37:34] David: Why are you getting all sappy?
[37:35] James: Why are you getting all sappy about that song?
[37:36] David: I don’t want to cry!
[37:37] James: Until you have the intro to the heart song.
[37:41] David: Oh, here we go, here we go, here we go. Oh, God. I was learning it last night.
[37:48] James: Crazy on you.
[38:01] David: I know, I was learning it last night. Do it. And this is a hard one. I can’t play it.
[38:03] James: Hold on. It’s…
[38:15] David: I’m trying to learn it slow. Oh yeah. I don’t know.
[38:16] James: I got the first part.
[38:27] David: Do you know the regular part? Crazy on you. Let me go crazy on you.
[38:39] James: Is this going to be something that you are going to practice up to where like if we feature it every week at the end that you could get better at it and eventually play that song? That’s what I’ve been working on. I started doing it last night. Okay, then I’ll put this in.
[38:42] James: Bye people. Catch you later.
[38:45] David: See you later.