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The hosts share personal tales and church updates, including a binge on Dan Brown books. They humorously discuss a new “X-rated” sermon series and your stories!
This week it’s all about you the listener! We put the call out for input and you responded… but thankfully not all of you. That would have made it an even longer show.
This week we heard from: Gsmith, Justin, Rachel, Brett, Paige, Josmur, Josh, Vance, & Becky! Thanks folks!
If you like what you hear, why not leave us an iTunes review? Or email us at james@nlcast.com and let us know.
Also note the new Donation button below. No pressure, but if you’d like to support the show, we won’t try to stop you.
Full Transcript:
Let’s start the show Dave. You ready? Hold on. Is your cell phone off?
All right, let’s do this. Oh
My god, yeah, okay How you doing out there podcast people? This is Nobody’s Listening Podcast episode 18 brought to you on April the 26th, 2007. Yeah. I’m your host, James. Are my brothers here?
I’m here.
What’s your name? Oh, my name is David. David forgets how to do it every week we have to retrain him he works hard for the money well anyway This is nobody’s listening podcast where we share our funny life stories and hope that you will do the same Uh-huh, you can visit us online at nlcast.com. You can call us on the nobody’s calling line at
206 657 oh 4
and you can also email it is at nobody’s listening to us at gmail.com You know David I tried to shorten our email address this week. I sent myself an invite and I tried to sign up as nlcast at gmail.com and somebody has it already.
Can we have NNLCAT? I don’t know.
Dude I don’t want to get into that. I don’t want an AOL email address. I don’t want it to be like you know NLCAST underscore 2007 hot babe 69. I don’t want none of that junk. So anyway, we’re so glad that you are here to join us today We have a special special special feature in that everything we bring you is going to be Listener submitted off.
Yes, all you fans out there dare. We call them fans David just people that nonchalantly download every now and then
stinking 750 of them there’s 750 y’all you’re part of a group
yeah your group you’re a big group what’s it called like the people that go to rock car picture shows? Is it B-rated? What’s the cults cult following a cult? Following following
they’re not literally a cult. It’s just a group of people that share an interest.
Okay Cool. Yeah cult Somebody
on the L and we have we might as well say it we have our we are on stick cam today And 6 o’clock central time. And G Smith is on there with us. So G Smith, we just want to give you a shout out. Thank you for joining us. He’s excited. He’s saying hi to everyone and he’s mocking you. So you’ll hear this later everybody else but you had a chance to be on Thursday night at 6 o’clock and you could have been there and you missed it. Anyway, So we do have listener content all day
today.
Not all day, but you have to go home and eat
dinner. Before David eats dinner and before we get into that content, let’s give our weekly updates. I’ll go
first, dude. Because, oh yeah.
What’s been going on? Here’s your weekly update.
It’s my life. It’s now or never.
Go ahead.
I forget the
dead time to kill. No, it’s OK. I like seeing a dead space on the track so I’ll know when to go in and put in the stuff. Yeah. Go ahead. Slacker
Joe. Alright dude. Anyway, weekly update. I read the Da Vinci Code, like finished that about a month ago.
Huh. You know. Reader’s Digest version or?
No, the whole thing. Unabridged? What? And and the thing is, it’s a really good book. Like, put all the religious stuff aside. Huh. The dude, Dan Brown, the author.
I’ve read this book. I haven’t read it. I lied. I’ve listened to the audio.
You have? Okay. Audio book. Anyway, Even says, I told James this, even says in the beginning of his book,
Sophie Delou, Sophie Delou,
Robert Langdon, And in the beginning of his book he says, everybody goes with the flow, like, oh my gosh, the Holy Grail was this, that, and the other, Mary Magdalene and Jesus had a baby and all this. He even says the beginning of his book, all these stuff in here is fact, like the groups, the secret grail people, all that stuff, like the Knights of the Templar was proven but everything else is filled in
right he took has nothing to
do with Jesus or anything
right he He took factual statements and then bent them to his will.
And conspiracy theories and just mix it up and made a very good book.
Very good story. Actually, I liked it better than National Treasure.
Yeah, yeah, it was a lot deeper.
I liked the book better. The movie was stupid. So anyway, yeah
it didn’t even end like the movie. So anyway, I’m reading, I’m like on a Dan Brown, you know, Coke Weekend. Wow.
Straight up. Bender.
So yeah, I got his Angels and Demons and I finished that yesterday. So I’m reading all his books. He’s got Deception Point, Angels and Demons, and 1 more that I can’t remember the name of it, but they’re really thick books.
Nobody’s reading. Yeah. I’m segment of the podcast.
Yeah, so I I prefer I like it the books. I like it a books
So that’s your there’s a punchline.
There’s no punchline. Nobody called you You don’t want to know about the phone calls. I’ve gotten last week. So we’re just not gonna go there
All right. My weekly update is this I had to I’m a pastor as many of you know, a minister. It’s a fact I try to keep hidden from most of you so that I do not scare you off, so that you do not judge me prematurely and think that I can be, that I will be judgmental and unfunny. I can be both, but usually over stuff like your hair looks dumb. So I was at this meeting, it’s called a pie meeting, and there’s no pie at this meeting. It’s called Pastor Information Meeting, and we come together
with the people at our church and we tell them stuff. We tell them information and they can ask us questions and we give little ministry updates. Well, a while back, pastor decided to do a series To try to break through to the younger generation and he wanted and he had all these words that he was gonna preach on and they like extreme and Extinct and instead of EX he just took out the E and had X in front of all the words like the X-Men You know and he’d preach on extinction and he’d preach on excitement.
Generation
X. Yeah, well, but he called it the X-rated series. A little edgy, you know, a little edgy. He thought that would be pretty edgy. And it was edgy. And people kind of dug it, you know, they’re like, hey, we’re going down to church, you know, X-rated series. Well, anyway, fast forward now to this pie meeting. 1 of the pastor’s job is to take DVDs and stuff to shut-ins that can’t come to church. And so they videotaped these old folks talking about how awesome it was to get these DVDs. And at 1.1 of the old ladies says,
we just like to thank pastor for bringing his x-rated videos over. Oh my god the entire congregation just went nuts. It was so stinking funny, turned red, it was just hilarious. I thought it was great And you know what I love about my church is that in some churches that would like cause the pastor to get fired, you know? And our guys, our people just laugh and go on and it’s just so cool. This poor old lady had no idea probably what x-rated meant and so she’s like yeah just like to thank pastor for sending me
all his x-rated videos and We’re just like okay But anyway, so oh and my other weekly update is this this is happens this morning Okay, I’d thank my daughter and my wife to the airport. I couldn’t sleep. It was like 2 hours before I had to come into work and I’d been thinking about exercising. I’m a little chubby. I’m a little portly. Yeah. I got a little around the middle. So I was thinking about jogging for a while and I’m like why not now? Why not do something anti-sleep? And it was a cold rainy morning, puddles
and dogs and everything else but I got all dressed up and went out there and started running. I don’t want to tell you about the running experience. I want to tell you that my legs hurt now, my ankles hurt, all my joints are hurting, which is normal, but my stomach hurts. My belly hurts. You know why? Do you know why? Because it was bouncing. It was bouncing. It wasn’t because it was bouncing. It was. It is. It hurts. That’s what you’re talking to John about. Yeah. The bottom of my belly feels split open because my belly
was bouncing and I felt like I should have had some sort of protective garment. Yeah, some sort of bra from my gut to keep my belly around, a belly band or something that would have just kept it all sucked in.
Let’s engineer it.
Because I’m hurting down below underneath my belly it hurts and It’s just some some hurting belly pain And I just wanted to let you know that thank you James I’m gonna have to suck it in or I’m gonna have to do some sit-ups or something cuz my belly hurts So if any of you guys out there are praying people, pray for my belly. Yep. So, and G Smith, I am not Santa James. I do not have a beard and I’m not letting you sit in my lap. Anyway, we don’t have a feature story this week because
it’s all user input, so let’s get to it. Up
next, News, E, and V-mail.
First let’s
hit the news though. Alright,
news. We last week were back on What’s Hot with iTunes and under podcast and we are still there. We’ve been bumped up a few slots so we are no longer last place on the fourth page. We are like next to last place or like 4 up from there. But we’ve survived for 2 weeks on what’s hot and it’s because of you people out there. Man we have 73 reviews most of them 4 and 5 stars and that is huge. Let me challenge you. Be very selfish here for a second. We don’t ask for much but I
am gonna ask you to go to iTunes, if you download to iTunes, if you don’t, don’t go through the trouble. But if you’re on there and you just happen to go there and you just happen to click, leave a review, and you just leave a review, that would be the coolest thing ever. Yeah. Because I check that more than I check the Frapper Map more than I check the the the the forums. I’m always checking iTunes reviews so it would be awesome. Okay.
Are we promoting my half-top?
After this very important segment there’s 1 more thing that I mentioned when I was looking up, when people were sending me stuff, everybody always puts 1 alias in for their friend and they’ll be like, you could call them Lucy. And whenever Lucy turns up in an email, you know how Gmail will put ads based on the text in your email? So whenever you write Lucy in an email, folks, it comes up, the ad is Lucy Activewear. Apparently there’s a Lucy brand activewear. I didn’t wanna click on it in case it was like stuff like some belly
support garments and stuff for ladies but yeah I just thought that was hilarious that that we’re helping the Lucy active wear company. We’re promoting them. Yeah. We’re
advertising for them.
Yeah so you know if you’re gonna see that ad.
I want
my check. No joke, we could be sponsored by something called Lucy. We need to go pursue these people. Yeah. We’re not sponsored yet. We’re not sold out yet, but we’d like to be. Speaking of selling out, here’s the issue folks, and we just figured we’d put it out there. We are not begging, we are not even asking for support or help. We just wanna put this out there. I talked to my secretary today about the same situation we’re about to tell you, and she gave us some leads. And so Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re just
gonna tell you our situation. If there’s any direction you guys can help us out and point us into, that would be awesome. And if there’s just some rich person out there that wants to hook us up, that would be awesome too. Here’s the deal. David’s going to Ireland. June 27th. He’s got a great reason for going. We will share with you all the particulars of why he’s going over and all that on probably the last podcast that we do before he leaves, which the podcast will continue. Some people are getting confused about it and think it’s
over. They’re already
the memories of David. Yeah
He was so awesome, but anyway, he’s going to Ireland and he needs a laptop. He needs 1 I’ve I’ve decided to concede that he does need a laptop because undoubtedly you can’t get Reliable internet service at your house without paying an arm and a leg it’s just not gonna happen in Ireland but he can go to a gym to a church to a bath house and he can sauna sauna he can go to the Y whatever and he can get internet access and do the podcast from there. Yeah. He does not have this laptop. No. He
actually does have a laptop. It is, but the screen has been ripped off. And my mother gave it to him because she’s cool like that. She gives us her broke crap. And he’s grateful for it, but it’s really a half top. That’s what I call it.
It doesn’t have a screen.
It doesn’t have a screen. And I lent him a little monitor that I had that I need back. And so his half top is sitting there. You ought to see it. It’s just a keyboard plugged into a monitor. It doesn’t even look like it should be possible Yeah, that’s how what he uses check his email and and whatever else he does online But here that’s the issue we need a laptop he can’t afford 1 We’ve We’ve looked into doing the eBay thing. We are gonna check into some resources here in the neighborhood to see if anybody
has some spare ones, like a business could donate 1 to him. But dude, he needs a laptop. No April Fools, no joke, it’s just the deal. So if you guys have any resources or ideas or anything like that Maybe there’s a fund for poor white boys that are moving to another country I don’t know. I don’t know if there is but he’s not we’ve tried the minority thing he’s not Native American like I am, he’s nothing. If he is, he’s like an octune, he’s like one-eighth. He’s, he’s, it’s not good enough, it’s not close enough.
Yeah, it’s not. So, so
anyway, that’s enough of news. Email and stories, Let’s get to it. David, you’ve got to help me out with these. Yeah, there’s because there’s too many for me to just read. Why don’t you…
Are we reading straight through? Because that’s what I do.
I don’t know, man. Let me start with the first 1. I’ll kind of lay it out and you can kind of peruse the second 1.
Okay, go. Your first is… G Smith. Yeah.
He says, today he went outside… This was off the forums by the way. He says, I went outside with my friend in the front yard. I have this really weird squishy green ball that’s full of water and air. I don’t know. Anyway, we were bored. We wanted to try to stick it to a tree. So I took it and started to spin my arm in a circle. I spun it faster and faster until I let the ball go. It was flying toward 1 of the tree branches. 1 problem, I sent it so fast that it broke
through the smaller parts of the branch and made the branch break off. It flew down, it hit my friend in the head, he got knocked back. He was okay except for a fairly big bump. I don’t think that’s called okay, G. Sorry, I think that’s called ushered.
G. Smith.
I think that’s called, he doesn’t remember where he lives anymore. It was just really funny to see the branch fly down and smack on the top of the head. So what was this, a grenade that you threw into the stinking tree G Smith? I mean you’re actually on the forums. What do you have to say for yourself? What do you have to say for yourself G Smith? It was just a ball.
Like a baseball, softball?
I mean it had water and air in it. I mean did you get it out of 1 of those chicken machines at the mall? It was either that or a ride on the on the on the Mickey Mouse go-kart thing there
yeah are they little helicopters
not typing he’s not fast sorry G Smith your story’s over we found it moderately amusing he says I forget lol all
right Justin okay so Justin he was listening to episode 16 and 7 and he I guess 17 was the bike No, 16 was the bike 16 was the bike story. It’s okay Yes, 16 was the bike story. Okay. Well, he said when he was about 7 years old, he saw the ice cream truck drive by his house with the music playing that wants to draw you in. And he grabbed 2 dollars and ran out to his bike and tried to chase the ice cream truck down. Well when he turned and started going up the hill he
said I stood up and started pedaling harder than my left foot slipped off the pedal and it hit the wheel or my foot smacked the spokes or something And my bike flipped 4. 0 man. So somehow he got caught up in. Yeah. In the mess.
His toes must have gotten caught in the spokes.
Yeah. And he was thrown to the ground. And he said after laying there for about 10 minutes, every eight-year-old gets so ticked, and when they’re all tangled up, they just start kicking. So he kicked it off of him and walked home with both his knees bloody.
Oh God, I remember those days. Yeah.
And then his friend called him a little while later and asked him, why is your bike sitting on the sidewalk?
Because I live in the suburbs And my bike stayed where I left it. You know, my sister and I0I told the story last week, never mind. Amy, I didn’t tell you because you didn’t listen to it last week, but Amy was on the back of my banana seat 1 time and Her foot got stuck in the back of the bike spokes and it just stopped the bike dead cold and her foot her toes Her feet her foot it just went right across top of her foot and it left it just went into her foot and when
it pulled off it went like And she was just a tiny little thing. Anyway, Rachel.
Oh by
the way, any comments on Justin’s? My left foot slipped off the pedal. Dude, I don’t know how many times that’s happened to me. That’s well 1 time
I was jumping a ramp, you know, and I came down perfect, but I went up perfect and started coming down. I was like, this is going to be a perfect landing. Well, the front end came and hit first, so I just, you know, shoved forward to the handlebars and then all my feet got tangled up. But the thing is, it flipped like a couple times, but it didn’t hurt me. And John was laughing at me anyway
You ever done it where you’ve been up in the air and your foots come off the pedal and you come down on the man bar You ever done that?
The lack thereof man bar dude it makes you wonder why makes you
why do we have the bar and the girls don’t have the bar I we asked that 2 episodes ago. It’s still question about
it, dude conspiracy Illuminati
of America, but no my wife her foot went off the brick off the the pedal 1 time but dude, I don’t know if I can describe this, her heel got caught underneath the pedal as her toes got drug underneath. And so Her foot is completely backwards and bent over and so her toes are scratching along the tops of her toes. The fingernail parts of her toes are scratching across the asphalt while her heel is stuck in the bike pedal. And dude, it was so much of that that to this day her her pinky toe and a
couple other toes grow with ridges because it scratched her growth plate on her toenails dude and she was like 6 or 7 years old when this happened so that chunks dangerous don’t ride with flip-flops I bet you 10 bucks Justin had his sister’s flip-flops on.
Yep. The little purple.
Anyway, he says, great show, keep it.
Yeah. We’re not gonna give it away. Don’t worry.
Don’t worry about that. So, what is G. Smith saying? He drank his Gatorade and didn’t notice an ant was in it? It just bit my tongue and I spit Gatorade.
G Smith, wow.
G Smith, man, you need to just step away from the Gatorade, dude. He tried to drink an ant.
What do you think
the ant was gonna do if I was an ant and you drank me dude? I’d show I’d show your tongue. I’d crawl inside your tongue and dance around Anyway, Rachel
Rachel is that Rachel
we know Rachel Rachel Bassler. I Said all the same stalkers
kill Rachel. Bye. Bye.
Bye Rachel. She lives in Springfield. I mean in Phoenix. Thanks for buying my plane ticket! Alright go. I just did Justin. Oh you did?
Yeah you can
have a long 1. My name is Rachel and I’ve been listening to your podcast for a few weeks now. It’s incredibly funny and I’m always looking forward to the recap song. Yay!
Thank you.
I’m a freshman in high school and I live in a little town in Oklahoma.
It’s called
it’s called Lucyville.
Can’t pronounce it.
She says yeah I can’t pronounce it anyway.
She did say Lucyville.
She says call it Lucyville on the air. So she lives in Lucyville, Oklahoma. She was born in New York though. She grew up in Las Vegas. Vegas! And her dad used to be Air Force. There was lots of traveling. I have lots of funny stories and blah blah blah. 1 story I always tell to my Vegas friends is 1 about my first day in the Oklahoma high school. I was on the bus listening to my iPod, and I was looking at all the kids around me. I’d been expecting a bunch of stereotypical country kids, but these
peeps looked pretty normal. There were no peeps on that bus, I’m gonna tell you that right now.
Bet you. Anyway,
I was beginning to think that they weren’t any different from the kids in Nevada and then I
started… Nevada.
Nevada. And I started to be more confident. Then the boy next to me tapped me on the shoulder so I paused the song and heard him ask, what are you listening to? I thought that meant what music had I been listening to so I replied Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan! Robert Zimmerman. And he shook his head and he said no what’s that and there he pointed to the iPod and for a second she thought he was kidding and I said very slowly it’s an iPod you know an mp3 player he was amazed and he started asking questions
like where is that you stealing my soul is the iPod have instruments inside of it or you some sort of demon woman no he says where did you buy it did they come in different colors And she says she was so shocked that she could hardly answer any of his questions. And it wasn’t the greatest first impression that that small town of Lucyville could have on her. But she did feel pretty cool telling the poor kids about the world of iPods and rubbing it in their face. Yes, see I’m from Nevada, Vada Vuda. And there everybody
is rich and famous and I hate your stupid town.
Hate it.
Hate it, I hate you little redneck boy.
Get your Oklahoma smelly behind off of me. Quit spittin’ your char on my seat.
How come she had an accent too?
I don’t know. She’s from Nevada.
Anyway, she says a whole bunch of other stuff.
Yeah. Thank you for writing it. I mean I’ll read it.
Oh wait wait no no no this is good 1 I should have read this 1 first. She said she was in the back of her dad’s truck with her window rolled down and apparently she’s fitting right in there. She probably had a piece of straw hanging out of her lid. Yee-haw. And she was in the bank parking lot, she was waiting patiently for her dad to get money out of the ATM. While she was listening to our stories about Puke, some bikers drove up by her and got off their motorcycles and started talking. And they were
on her side of the truck. And if she turned to face them, they would have been about a foot away. So they’re right outside the window. She’s trying to look forward. She doesn’t want to face them. Because everybody thinks bikers, because they look tough, that they’re mean. But bikers are Probably some of the most of them are the like the nicest people in the stinker world I know a whole bunch of them. They do more charity work than probably any other group in America, but Anyway, she was freaked out by them and she didn’t want to
turn so she’s she’s trying to play it cool she’s listening to us talking about puke and she was trying to stare into space like, yeah, you guys are cool looking bikers and I’m cool with that. I’m cool with that tough guys. And then it came to the recap song and she was taking a sip of her Coke. She heard David imitating puke and she immediately shot Soda out of her nose, which is very painful. Yeah. And she started cracking up really hard. And the tough bikers had to have been looking at her, staring at her, hearing
her laughing. And she has a very loud laugh anyway. And then add carbonation to that, and I’m sure it’s even better. Yeah, dirty. She was trying to wipe Soda off of her face and made her laugh even harder and she could just feel them watching her as she attempted to clean herself up Thankfully they didn’t beat me up and of course they didn’t they don’t beat up special ed kids
They’re foaming at the mouth Having a seizure
with laughing for no reason No obvious reason So thankfully they didn’t beat her up. She could live to tell the tale, which makes me laugh just remembering it. At any rate, I just wanted to congratulate you on having an incredibly cool podcast. Always looking forward to the next episode. And then she did a little smiley. You see the smiley?
Looks like a special kid. Well
thank you so much Rachel. Thanks for those 2 stories. We appreciate you. You are special. We’re not going to make fun of you anymore. Drunken lady.
Yeah I’m sorry about that. I don’t have a name for it so I call her Drunken lady.
I quoted you in my signature on the on the on the forums. I got broke yeah and and I’m sorry Drunken lady because that was the ultimate. Alright Brett. Hit it Dave.
I haven’t emailed you guys before, but I’m very active on the forums as the person.
That’s right. That’s the little smartypants guy. That’s how we know him as, the smart alec dude.
On episode 17 I heard there was going to be an all submitted stories episode. And I couldn’t help but conjure a few stories from my brain. Oh, he’s
a wiccan. We can’t have him. He’s a warlock. Okay, go to page. If you’re conjuring stories, That’s just not gonna work.
You said about a month ago, I stayed after school for a play roll, so what grade’s he in? How old is
he? He’s probably second, third grade. Okay. So I had to take
the late bus home that day. The short bus.
Yeah, and the
short bus. When I got on the bus, our bus driver named Mr. Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s. It’s German. But 1 of my friends told us that he would be taking another bus route as well as our route and that he would be dropping the other route off first. I
always hated that joke. Have you ever had that happen?
Yeah, you get double
routes. When I was in high school, stinking, they would go by the elementary school and pick up elementary schoolers and then us. And so we’re on there with stinking elementary school kids and they’d always drop their entire route off first and then go back around and get us. They wouldn’t mingle them or mix them at all.
Yeah, so he said he was a little irritated. I was, He said he was already, I was already the last stop in a regular route, so it was going to be an extra long bus ride for me. 3 of my friends got on the bus also, who I will co-name, Lucy, Samantha, and Dave. Wow. We were all chatting.
It’s
like Shadrack, Meshack, and Amandigo. We were all chatting and passing the time together Since we all had a long bus ride and store for us. About halfway through the first ride Dave said they needed to go to the bathroom. Oh my god We all assumed that he had enough time to wait before we got to a stop, then of course something happens. Dave? 1 of the students of the other route had forgotten to get off at a stop, so
we had to
go back. God. That took about 30 minutes. Now Dave really
had to go to
the bathroom. His prostate’s about to explode. All I remember was his groaning throughout the bus ride. Every bump I hit, no I’m making this up, but every bump that I always hit, it makes everything worse.
Well, you know these guys are sitting in the back of the bus. Yeah.
And it’s like extra bounce. And it’s like there’s no shocks back there. Lucy also had something to do, oh no wait, to top it all, Samantha had to babysit at 6, what happened?
All of his friends were late, they were gonna be late. They had stuff going on, They were already on the late bus the bus route was even later than normal okay They had stuff to do
yeah, that’s up to do and they were stressed out and loose loose Dave groaned again since I was the only person who didn’t have anything to do after the bus. I decided to make people laugh. Now by this time Dave was absolutely dying since I felt like being evil. I said, hey Dave, when I get home, I’m gonna play my wee. That succeeded in cheering the girls up but Dave just grown some more after what seemed like an eternity Dave got to a stop all I saw
was him running to a tree before the bus run away. You know you got it bad when you don’t even care. You just go and get a tree like a dog. I see when I read this I imagined him saying, I’m going home to play my whee.
Yeah. And then they said Sal Dave the next day and he said, hey Brett, I broke my records. So I said. What record? My record for going to the bathroom. I grew up. Oh man.
Yeah, I’ve been seeing myself peed for like 2 minutes. Dude, You know what’s really bad is if you literally pee on a tree, the pee chases you away from the tree. Say that again? Okay, trees are tapered at the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You keep backing up. So you pee against the tree and it runs back towards your own shoes and so you have to keep running away. It chases you. I always
go to the right side of the tree
exactly Don’t pee on the tree.
Oh my goodness pretty good,
dude And sometimes you have to go so bad when you hold it that long it won’t all come out at 1 time Well Thing
is I figured out here in kansas city is that during the winter I would never have to pee inside every time I went out to the cold I have to pee immediately So there was my hands of yellow snow in the backyard john leahans
no way
Tons of it
dude that’s so stupid wrong why you
jenna I think jenna stepped in dude I will kill you
I’ll kill you Alright
hey that’s a nice name
yeah
I think I might use that. I think
I remember that name. Isn’t that the sister on Foxtrot? Paige, That was 1 of my favorite comics.
Fox Trot.
Hey James and David, this is Page from New York. Absolutely, I absolutely love your podcast. The first podcast of yours I heard was Ugly Becky.
Betty, oh no she put Betty, it’s Becky.
Yeah, Ugly Becky. And after hearing it I had to subscribe. And I didn’t know that that was our best 1, so good. I’m glad that it held its own. I always worry about people coming in on a weird 1, like last week’s. Yeah. Where I just did it by myself and they think, oh, this is stupid. But no, that’s great. I’m glad you liked Ugly Becky. Anyway, I clicked on your podcast because I thought the name was very funny and creative. She says, don’t change your name. Obviously, she’s listened in some past episodes. We ain’t changed
the name. That was Stupid Paul, Rockstar Paul, and he did not win.
Succeed,
no. He didn’t. We thought the name was pretty creative too also She says I wanted to prove the title of the podcast wrong yeah Yeah, she says she’s weird like that. I say rock on rock on page. You got a cool name and a cool attitude She says I’ve been meaning to email you guys for a while, but I’ve been pretty lazy lately Who has it? Yeah, I didn’t want to do this podcast, but I did it Paige. You need to get that stuff together. But once I heard you guys were having an episode with listener
stories only, I told myself I had to get around to emailing you guys. Hopefully it wasn’t a long drawn out conversation because they’ll take you to a special place and teach you not to do that anymore and medicate you until you agree. So after hearing episode 15 all about the crazy evil things that John and David did when they were little, I know I love how she calls you John and David like she knows y’all.
She does Paige. You know us.
She lived next door. Her dad was that trucker that that carried a beer can around in his back pocket Anyway, when they were little it reminded me of some of the really stupid things that I did when I was little Sorry page you used up so much time on that preface. We don’t have time for your story. I’m kidding when I was about 9 or 10 I was playing around with those milky pins milky pins
milky pen do
you know what a milky pen is Dave
milky pen
I have no idea I know what scented markers are I know what glitter pins are I know what fabric paint markers are I Don’t I know what permanent markers are but milky pins. I hope I’m not saying something bad like I was earlier Okay, so we’re just gonna assume that that’s wherever you’re from in New York Northeastern thing anyway She said she somehow managed to get 1 of them to explode The ink got on her arm and in her mouth. She said I really have no idea how it managed to get in my mouth though So
I figured that since the name had the Milk in it that would be okay if I just licked it off my arm. She licked it off her arm.
That’s disgusting How old were you Paige?
Where are you? Why can’t I answer you? Why can’t you talk to me right now and explain to me why you thought that was going to work? Anyway, she says about an hour goes by and it’s at least 10 or 11. She’s laying in bed. She started remembering hearing things about, about poisoning. She got really scared and she, she says, you know, she encouraged her. She’s like, I just ate a whole lot of ink like an hour ago. And so, she finally broke down and she was convinced that she was going to die. And, so she
goes into mom in her mom’s room. She’s like, mom, dad, I’m going to die. But my mom turned over and looks at me and says, Paige, we’re all going to die eventually.
Oh, gosh, she just doubled the death toll right
there. So she started to cry harder. And her mom was all cruel and mean and she says luckily her dad was nice enough to get out of bed and call boys in control.
Don’t worry we won’t let you die your mother’s a heartless witch but I’m here to save you.
Ha ha ha. Anyway She says I’ll probably be joining the forum sue possibly as I stole your cookie because I like cookies so Paige Everybody get on the forums now and reserve that name. Yeah, take it page has not done that so far this was earlier in the week she said this she has not gotten on the forums steal her preferred username today definitely anyway I do I know you got 1 more story but yeah this reminds me of something I have a friend who is is like deathly afraid of things And who’s your friend her
name is let’s call her Amy Amy Amy okay, and she’s like scared of like Garfield and stuff she’s a she’s
a phobia of Garfield
She’s a little she’s a lot and but as a child she was in her room 1 night and looking out her window and she saw 2 green dots like eyes. She swears she sees 2 green dots so she goes running to her dad and similar situation like this dad dad there’s 2 eyes I see 2 eyes outside my window and her dad says oh don’t worry those were probably night vision goggles.
Oh God screw the cat.
So and the reason why this came up is a story anyway she’s married this dude or she was that loves video games and he had Splinter Cell with the guy on the front cover with the 2 green dots on his night vision goggles and she’s like, oh I don’t like that, flip that over. And we’re like why? And then she tells us this story. Oh wow. So yeah, Paige, just be glad that your mom didn’t marry Amy’s dad, because then this story would have been a lot worse.
Wasn’t her dad like a military guy?
No, her dad was like 900 years old. Oh yeah, okay. So anyway, so la la la la. We have 1 from our friend Josmer. The unpronounceable name.
Yeah. Tell us, tell us
all about it David.
Well, he said about 2 weekends ago, he went, he went hiking. Okay, went hiking with a couple friends and, he said after backpacking for about 12 miles we returned to the cabin to sleep. First though you know you get a whole bunch of guys together in a cabin. He says he’s straight by the way so none of that broke back. And so He said they were playing some games. Since it was a guys trip, they couldn’t play spin the bottle. Oh darn. Thank the Lord. Yeah. And we decided to mix the spin the bottle with truth
or dare. Okay. Well, he said, Yeah, he said, my friend spun landed on me, I chose dare. He dared me to strip to my my undies and go on the porch in the freezing rain pretend like I was a female model Like the catwalk I’m guessing and they’re
straight Okay,
this is a story here and he’s hey, yeah, he said what choice did he have Because you have to abide by the rules. That’s true.
You have to.
In the bottle, slash, truth and dare. That’s right. So he said it was a unique experience, to say the least. After I was once again fully clothed, thank the Lord, I spun the bottle and I landed on the same friend that landed on me I had I had him stripped to his undies and run around the cabin twice now I’m putting undies and guys and stripping together I Just wanted to clarify that he says he’s straight. Yeah, I don’t know why No, you’re not secure, but I Says I had him stripped to his undies and run
around the cabin twice, still in the freezing wind like it was raining still, while wearing a headlamp over his undies like a thong. Okay, now he sent a picture of this, David.
No, he did not. He did, not of him running, but he sent a picture of the thing, and it’s a headlamp. Yeah, it goes around your head. It goes around your head, but there’s a strap that goes across the middle, so undoubtedly he flipped this thing upside down and put it on like a freaking cup.
Like a shining light. Well, he said he wore a headlamp over his box like a thong. We also had 1 ear licking, 1 finger sucking, And 2 forehead lickings, both from the same person. We all said the 3 different-
And he’s straight, ladies and gentlemen. He just wanted to make that perfectly clear. Don’t worry,
I’m straight parentheses. I think you said that a couple more times, bud. Don’t worry.
Dude, We’re not worried. That’s why you don’t know where we live.
Do you have no worries? No
we vowed never to play
the game again. Thanks for choosing my pop topic of bikes. Yeah, that’s joss merriam
That’s right. We still owe him a button dude after like 2 weeks
joss merr We’re never send you a button.
It’s just not gonna happen now It
is this story
it is I just the buttons are a little small and I don’t want to send it to him because I don’t want him to be upset It’s a small button. It’s like I feel like I need to send other things like a dollar here man. Take this I’m sorry for the small button go buy a trick of QT So anyway my sister actually sent in a story. Yep. But our sister I should say. But we discussed this before the show. We want, Amy, we want, I know you’re listening to this podcast and you’ve been waiting for
your story. Yeah. But we want you to come on the show and tell the story yourself. Definitely. Because we enjoy you. The listeners don’t know this, but when my sisters were here lately, we sat down, all 4 of us, and we did a podcast that we’re going to play on 1 of those weeks that David’s moving to Ireland and Amy did a great job.
Yeah.
She did better than us. Yeah she did.
And so we definitely want to try to get her on like in a Skype call or something eventually and interview her and I don’t know we’ll just see. Maybe I’ll have her fill in when you’re not available.
Yeah, possibly.
I don’t know, but dude, the story that she told is hilarious.
Yeah, it’s really good.
And I want you guys to hear it from her.
And I wouldn’t be able to make it that good.
We do have some voicemails, because this is the all listener input show. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la This
is Josh Thompson from Seegert’s sobriety. I had to say that because you never call me anymore so you probably forgot who I am. David works 24 hours a day so he has an excuse for not calling me. Anyway, I just downloaded the whole iPer podcast thing today. Paul told me about it for a while and I just actually did it today. And I’m a big fan. I love it. It’s amazing. And you know, I just figured, you know what? I have like all these stories that go along with what you’ve been saying, but I’m late. I’m
like, oh great, this episode happened like 2 months ago. So I’m just going to go ahead and tell you a story. For a lot of listeners who might not know what my persuasion is just by the appearance of my voice. I am Caucasian. I am of the Caucasian persuasion. And so I’m probably the paciest kid that God ever created. God apparently was out of mocha ink whenever he painted my picture. So I like African-American people. I like the culture, I like being around my nieces or part African-American. That’s my foothold into the culture. Like, hey, you
like me, my nieces are African-American. But anyway, I was in Walmart the other day, and this is my, my only story that I have that, that makes me actually feel cool. And I was in the cereal aisle and a lot of people are addicted to things. So people addicted to dope, cocaine like David, addicted to Whippets. But I’m addicted to cereal and I have 3 favorite cereals that I always alternate. Honey Bunches of Oats, Corn Pops, and O’s. And I always need to buy, when I go grocery shopping, I buy either Honey Bunches of Oats or
Corn Pops or Honey Bunches of Oats or O’s. And so that day, I couldn’t decide between the Corn Pops or the O’s, And so I’m sitting in the stereo, I have both boxes in my hands and I’m just sort of staring at them. And all of a sudden I hear this voice from behind me go, Yo, what’s up my brother? And I turn around and right there in front of me are 2 of the biggest black guys that you have ever seen. And at first I was like, did I steal their card? Like, what happened? And
I was… And it was 1 of those things where time stood still and I actually had time to think about my response. And… But it all took place in, you know, the span of like half a second. The thing that I chose to come back with, the thing that I chose to respond with was, not much my brothers. Which is, if you could see me saying that, I shouldn’t have said that, but I’ll just put it that way. So they’re just like, yo, whatcha doin’ my friend? And they’re just staring at me, just wondering what I’m
doing. And I’m like, well, I can’t decide between the O’s, and I’m talking jive now, I’m like, yo, I can’t decide between the O’s
and the Pops. You know what I’m saying?
And I was like, what do you guys think? You guys think O’s should go with the O’s or go with the Pops? And I swear to the Lord that 1 of them looks at me and he puts his hand on his chin and he kind of scratches his head and he just thinks for like a few seconds and he’s like, you know what, you know my brother, pops are good, you know what I’m saying, but man, if it was me personally, I’d go with the O’s, bro. And I was like, well, right on, thank you. I
appreciate that. That’s a good decision. I didn’t say it as white like that. I was like, yeah, right on. I said, well, thank you guys. I appreciate it. And they said, no problem, brother. And they gave me 1 of those, you know, African-American handshakes, you know, that white people just absolutely butcher, you know, our hands just end up looking all distorted and retarded. And so I was like, and they took off. I swear they were angels. And they just disappeared and I’m just kinda like, me! My little white Josh Thompson from Arizona is I don’t know,
I feel I was on cloud 9. I went to the mall, talking jive all day, you know, walked home, saw Paul and I was just like, yo, what’s up? But yeah, it was pretty funny. But anyway, that’s my story. It is probably way too long for you to use, but I figured I’d do it anyway.
Oh man, dude, apparently there are serial killers and serial angels. And dude, I remember listening to this and I was thinking about something, just a second. I was thinking about that because I work at an inner city church and know lots of people from various races and when I came here from Georgia, I was the whitest white guy on the planet. I had Josh, you know, schooled. I could teach him whiteness. But I got, I worked in a youth department with a lot of inner city African American kids, black kids. I can call them black kids
because we’re cool like that. But there was this girl named Nadja and she honorarily made me a black person. See, what you had to do is, it was a process. You had to earn a certain amount of cool points and then you could start earning black points. And once you earned enough black points, then you could be cool, like her. And I officially made it.
I thought, I just thought you got a tan or something.
No, it had nothing to do with skin color. It’s about attitude and coolness. It’s about being loved by your fellow man. And yeah, so Nadja, you’re not listening to this podcast, you’re married with a child now and you’re still an awesome lady, but if you ever do, thank you for your acceptance. You’re awesome. Anyway, so Josh, thank you for calling. You got any input? Thanks. Bye. Okay, next.
Hi. I’m Becky. And I’m Lisa. And we just wanted to call and say… We love your podcast! We love your Podcast it’s excellent. It’s great and
Is that it there’s tornado
Was that alarm going off? Yeah, the tornado Yes, I love how it kept going. Oh, those poor girls, they’re stuck. I think it might be dead. It could be dead. They must live in the Midwest too. Who was that? I don’t know. Becky. Becky and Emily? I have
no idea, but that’s funny.
Was it our? It’s not our niece Emily, was it?
No. Okay. Well, anyway, thank you for
the voicemail input. That was hilarious. I hope you’re not dead.
Hey, James and David. This is Josh Thompson. I was with my brother-in-law, who pretty much taught me every fart joke that I know. And we were at Wal-Mart, we were inside the magazine and book aisle, and Em watched this girl in her early twenties. And now the thing is, guys, this girl is pregnant. I mean, there’s times when you’re like, oh, I’m not really sure, I don’t really know. Okay, but this girl, I mean, she had the, you know, pooched out belly, but everywhere else, you know, wasn’t really fat, and so you’re like, this girl is
pregnant, you just know. And so, you know, he’s a father and he’s like, oh my gosh, you know, you’re expecting that’s so cool. Like, you know, how soon, how far along are you and, you know, what is it and everything. And this girl slowly hangs her head in shame and then a quiet voice says, says, I’m not pregnant. Which is followed by about 30 seconds of just silence, quietude and stillness between the 2 of them, which is also followed by me moving to the other end of the aisle so as to not be associated by this
evil man. And instead of apologizing and getting the heck out of Dodge, which is what he should have done, he apologizes and tries to console her in some way by offering her like advice and he’s like you know my wife has had a lot of luck with with Weight Watchers you know maybe that’s something that you want to you know look into it and just continue shoveling away dig in his own grave and so men who all the men who are listening to this podcast or message or whatever, just take the advice, heed the warnings from
men of wisdom such as Brian Regan and the Kinnison brothers. And just shut your mouth. Unless you are a doctor or you can actually see an umbilical cord, Just keep your mouth shut and you’ll live a long and prosperous life. So anyway, that’s my story. Stick into it. Alright guys, I will talk to you later and I’m catching up. So pretty soon my stories will flow with yours. So Anyway, I’ll talk to you later. Bye bye. That was hard.
That’s hard. You really can’t say nothing because you’re in, sometimes you can get in a situation and mentally be there and I would have just cried. I would have started crying. I would
have had
a seizure.
I definitely understood him turning around and walking away because I do that with you. I did it today. David, we’re like in Circuit City and David will just start like dogging out a salesman. Poor Verizon salesman. Okay, here’s the situation that made me want to walk away. We’re walking in and the guy, David sees the guy with the flyers and David just walks up to him and says, hey, can I have 1 of those flyers? And he’s all excited. And the man, some of the man’s like thinking, dude, this is the kind of guy I’ve been
waiting for all day. So he offers David some advice. Why don’t you go look at the TVs? And David goes, okay. And then it was obvious that David was just jacking with him. I wasn’t jacking with him. Dude, you’re so rude. He’s like, I’m not rude. I’m going to go find out if I was rude.” And then he walks away and I walk the other direction. And David’s like, why you gotta walk away, man? I mean, you’re trying to get in trouble. And then David finds this mixing table, like a turntable, and he starts acting like
he’s a DJ. And the thing’s obviously broken, right? The head’s missing off the record player arm. So David throws it on the rack and starts, and it’s scratching up. It’s not making noise, but it’s just metal on metal. And I just turn away again. There’s a way you walk away. Why you walk away? I like a river bro like dad come I mean I work at a gigantic church and people all over town especially when I’m on that side of town there’s people that I know and I Don’t like getting in trouble anyway I would have
walked away no matter if I worked at the garbage collection agency of America I would still have walked away, but it’s especially tough when somebody’s like oh pastor James. How are you and who’s this heathen? That’s my brother. He’s on drugs. I’m witnessing to him. I’m Mentoring this young man. He’s full of demons. I’m trying to get 1 of them out right now
He’s DJ What we got next man?
Oh, yeah couple more voicemails. Yeah, let’s do it, dude. I know this is a dumb idea. Who thought of this all user input? Boo. Boo. I’m just kidding. Here we go.
I have 2 stories. First of all, a short 1. I was in Kansas City, home of Nobody’s Listening, or NLCast.com, our Nobody’s Listening podcast. Anyway, so I happened to be there and I thought, hey, it would be great to have some good barbecue because, well, Kansas City is known for the barbecue. So I said, called somebody who’s associated with the Nobody’s Listening podcast and said, how do I get to a good barbecue place? Well, they were helpful, kind, helpful, gave me directions to get to the barbecue place. I walk in the door. What I didn’t have
was information on how to order. Now, why is this important? Because I’m standing here gazing at the menu, as you do whenever it’s your first time in a new place and I’m kind of trying to figure out what to order and all of a sudden I hear, Burned on Buns and then I hear, we’re out. Now we’re out and then I hear, Turkey on Buns? What in the world have I just heard of Burnt On Bun? Turkey On Bun? And I looked at it and I go, oh, it’s the menu they’re ordering Burnt On Bun or
Turkey On Bun, which, barbecue place, makes sense but at first you’re just kinda shocked and I felt like I was in the way and had to clarify on what all had french fries and stuff so anyway if you happen to call someone from the Nobody Listening podcast and ask them for a great barbecue place to go, 2 things you need to know. 1, you’re probably getting information on how to get there, but make sure you understand how to order as well. That’s 1 story. The next story, oops, I gotta go. I’ll call back with it in
just a minute.
Okay, let’s set the record straight. First of all, Vance, we were laughing really hard at your story Vance, because everybody that comes to Kansas City has got to stop by and eat at Gates. Yes. And I had been telling Vance about this for a while and he calls me up and he’s like dude I need to get there and I gave him directions and yes I did forget how to tell him because you have to know how to order. Yes.
I got in trouble my
When you come into gates Vance you didn’t You didn’t tell everything when you first come into gates if you ever go to gates the first thing they’re gonna say is
do you want? Do you want to do the the woman and I’ll do the guy ordering?
Okay, all right If you have not taken order, please step down to your right. How may I help you? Be phone bond, please be fun by is that to go or to stay stay, right? Please take a tray. Thank you That’s the way it’s supposed to go down Okay, but a lot of people don’t know that and so they’re like They’re looking at the menu and they’re looking like hi may I help you? I just don’t know I’m really white and I I’m used to everybody just being so nice to me. I just want number 1.
And I just, I’m looking for an easy menu item. I’m looking for a 1 or a 2. I’m looking for something that I can supersize. Do you have anything like that? And no, but really people are just like taking aback that their order is so wanting to be taken. So it’s like, how may I help you? And then you’re just like, how may I help you? Hey, can I have a beef on bun with fries? And that’s the thing, Vance, it wasn’t burn in on bun, they were saying beef on bun or turkey on bun. And
so…
Do You want me to do how I ordered the first time? Go ahead.
You’re the lady, go. All right. Jaime, help you.
Can I
have a beef sandwich, please? Beef sandwich? You want beef on bun or turkey on bun? Can I just have a beef sandwich? And then she says, if they’re on a bun, those Come with fries. That’s what I was going to tell them is that what most people will do is they’ll order I want a beef on bun with fries. If it comes with the bun, it comes with fries. And so the deal is if you want a beef on bread, You actually have to order it like this. You have to say beef on bun on
bread, because that way if you order the beef on bread by itself it doesn’t come with fries. So if you want the beef on bun on bread you have to say it like that. So they don’t give you a bun and bread. And then, let’s see, what else is there? You have to take a tray. If you’re there for stay You have to take a tray if you’re there for stay you have to take a tray and you will get yelled at and so Vance I’m sorry, man. It wasn’t on purpose that I led you into
that place Unprepared it’s just I can’t remember you called me at some point I was busy and I had to give you the instructions and then get out the phone and I think it was later on the day I heard the psycho sound and it hit me. He could be dead. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, Gates Barbecue guy. I’m glad you’re alive Vance. Go there and do that. And anyway, it was so awesome. Vance did have another story he called in with, but I’m just going to paraphrase it due to time. He was at camp and he
was on a golf cart and a big fat guy was on the back of the golf cart and the big fat guy was bouncing on the back of the golf cart and thought it was really funny except they were going downhill and when you go downhill you don’t really have a way to slow down a golf cart and so they’re going really really fast and the bouncing and the flipping was inevitable And suddenly the fat guy lost his footing and fell off and the cart shot forward up the hill really, really fast.
Holy crap.
And the bouncing stopped and all Vance heard was, ow, ow, ow, ow. It got quieter and quieter as he rolled down the hill and they got further away. And so yeah, that was it in a nutshell. It was pretty funny. But undoubtedly Vance had to go suddenly. Either he was killed by a blue phone or his tire blew out or something. But he did call back so I guess he made it okay. But that is our show for today. Let’s do our, let’s do a little something called.
Oh yeah.
And while you’re getting that ready, I will just finish up our news by saying not only are we back on What’s Hot on iTunes, We are also 1 of the top 100 comedy podcasts again. I think we’re number 78. Top 100 in the world. World. Also, 1 last piece of news. We had mentioned earlier that David, if you’d like to help David out with a laptop, that’d be an awesome thing. We’ve added a subscribe, not a subscribe, a donation link on our website at nlcast.com. It’s down at the bottom right. And you can send a contribution
of any amount to
increments of a hundred.
Oh yeah, yeah, minimum, minimum. Well you know what? I am a pastor, so what I should do is be like, would you like to, you know what, if you send your money, it’s like a seed, your blessing’s on the way. If you’ll send in that gift of 1 dollar, then That’s the amount of faith that you’ve just put into your miracle. Wouldn’t you rather have a $10 miracle? Wouldn’t you rather have a $100 miracle? Hallelujah! Hallelujah! $10 should buy you a putty good miracle, but what would $100 do? What would that kind of faith do? You
know, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to that mountain, be removed, and it will be cast into the sea. Cast in. What could you do with faith the size of a grapefruit? Ooh. Ooh. I could move a steady. So why don’t you go to Enel Cast today, find that link, click, and why don’t you just bless us, bless us, bless
us, bless us. It’s what the world’s been waiting for. The Recap Song.
123123.
It’s user input day on the podcast that no 1 listens to. You’ve emailed, faxed, and called in. That’s what we wanted you to do We thank you for all of the things you wrote And all of the things you said I’m a little worried about Becky and her Sister that they might be dead Well, it’s time to say goodbye to all our family But first we wanted to see
Back to see
What in the freak are you doing to our song? I was mixing it up. No! We’re on Seastill. Start over. Start over.
1234.
It’s user and put day on the podcast, you know. It’s the first time we’ve done this kind of show. And everyone we know submitted stories and voicemails and the way I was mocking pastors make sure I’ve got a straight line to hell it’s the way it’s gonna be for you and me let’s review first was G Smith he was outside in his front yard with a weird green squishy ball was full of water air that’s the way he wrote it and he threw it up in this tree and it fell down on some leaves it broke
a branch off and it knocked his kid’s head off something’s wrong
we play guitar already that’s what messed up 1 2
well it’s a nobody’s listening podcast the first time we’ve ever done user input. And we liked it so far, but the darn truth is, is next week we’re gonna have to be super good. Well, Gee, it’s gonna start us off with a story about a green ball. He threw it in the sky and a branch fell off and it hit his little friend in the square on the head and luckily he fell but he wasn’t dead. And then Justin got through listening to some episodes And he saw an ice cream truck follow with a hypnotizing tune
And he chased it down and his foot went in the spokes And he fell down And I’m lucky that his head wasn’t broke He went back to the house He crawled all of the way And his friend Carl later said What’s the deal? Your bike’s in the middle of the street And his friend didn’t care Cause he was trying to eat We just kinda added some stuff and that’s okay cuz Rachel called. Or actually she’s just sent an email and she’s been listening for a few weeks now. She’s a freshman at high school. She lives in
Lucyville with the Lucy sisters and she moved to Las Vegas Or actually she moved to Lucyville and the kids on the bus were stupid they had never heard of an ipod they thought it was a magic talking box how come I can’t hear no music are they coming out of those little white dots that you have in your ear I think you should turn it out of so we can hear your star Strange music, is it Bob Dylan? It should be Akey Breaky Heart, I’m not kidding I’m a redneck from O-K-O-H-A-L-O-M-A It’s Oklahoma right away, no
offense to the listeners from that great state But your whole thing looks like it has a handle hanging off a plate. It’s the bordering state of my own. They can find me when I’m at home, so I better be nice. I better move out of line before I get turned into rice. That wouldn’t be fun, being
a little speck of rice. Just 1 little piece of rice mixed in a whole bowl getting eaten like you didn’t even matter fried rice I’m telling you what steamed rice brown rice I don’t care it’s just not something I want to do
I haven’t emailed you guys before cuz my mom keeps me in the basement behind a locked door My name is Brett Had to stay after school 1 time for I had to take the straight bus Not the straight bus, I meant the short bus And Mr. Alzheimer, the bus driver He had to take other kids home first I’m the best friend you could ever want cause if you have to pee I’m gonna tell you a joke if you push right here on your belt line your pee will go away and you will feel just fine his
friend didn’t like him no more cause he ran out of that open bus door and headed for the nearest dogwood that he could find and He peed on the side of that tree and he didn’t mind that everyone saw him He broke his record for going to the bathroom I don’t know if it was the ounces expended Or the amount of time
he held it. That’s the
only part he didn’t say. And then Paige called. She was interested in an intrigue by the stories of my brothers when they were young. It reminded her some of the things that she did when she was little Isn’t that what we all say? Like we’re going to the doctor and we’re talking about a problem We’re always gonna say I’m getting these pills, this butt medicine for my friend it’s not me otherwise I wouldn’t be here it’s just for someone else so when she was 9 to 10 she ate some ink out of a pen and she
told her some reason she didn’t think it was poison This is a song about Paige’s mom She needs to be locked up And the key thrown away Cause she don’t know how to handle When a little girl thinks she’s gonna die Well we all die little Paige it’s true I labored with you for 24 hours and I’m done If you die then you die Daddy get up and call the place before she goes. Her arm is blue and her tongue’s blue. Cause she’s too goofy to know that you don’t lick ink no matter what they call
it. I think you are an inkaholic. Do you still suck highlighter pens, Paige? Are you still drinking red ink by the gallon? I think you should see someone about it And then we got our friend Joseph Murr He went camping and he’s straight, I swear So what if they wore chaps and underwear? So what if they were sucking each other’s fingers? And licking foreheads? He’s straight, I tell ya!
I can’t quit you.
They were playing spin the bottle, David. That just don’t happen. It just don’t happen. It was freezing rain outside. The best idea we had was to strip down to our undies and run around Joseph, your innocence died that day I know you vowed never to play that game again but you can’t do anything like that even just once and you don’t have it just go away that’s all that I can say
Thank you everybody for the voicemails. We’re not going to sing about y’all. Yeah. Yep. Because.
Be too long.
Yeah, just too long. Josh. We love you guys. Thank you so much for our first ever user input show. We hope you enjoyed it. We’d love to get your feedback. So let’s let’s review. You need to call us.
Call us on, yeah call them, tell them.
Call us on our hotline.
Call us right now.
Right now 206-600-5704. Email us when you get home. Nobody’s listening to us at gmail.com. Send us 1 of your stories. User input is something we do every single week, so don’t think that this is the only time you could do that. Pretty soon, not this week, but next week Yeah, not this coming week, but the week after we’re do a theme show next week. I think is your story. It’s yours Yeah, it’s my story La la so get on our forums. Nobody’s listening. Nobody’s posting forms. You can reach those at nlcast.com You can check us out
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do, you have a job to do. Well, it would be great if people would hear this and respond to us but I don’t expect us to actually get any calls any emails or any reviews because the simple fact is nobody’s listening. That’s our best 1. Dude. I nailed that 1. You did. I took that 1. You made it sound good. I received it. I grabbed it. You felt it.
You took hold of it.
Hey, I got a bottle. You wanna spin it? I have a thong. I mean a lamp.
A thong flashed light.
A lamp thong. I mean, lamp. And lamp. Finally.
Thanks for watching!