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James describes his experience at a hipster California cuisine bar-and-grill.
This episode John’s got a messy office, someone’s tagging graffiti boogers, and James is reading “Dad is Fat” by Jim Gaffigan. James shreds his boxers, barely stomachs a hip California Grille, gets a straw to the nose and witnesses an old lady in a miniskirt trying to ride a moped. John deletes months of pictures and videos from his phone, falls asleep playing Minecraft and can’t understand his youngest son.
Listener Submissions:
- Justin has a moth land on his junk.
- Elizabeth tries to buy a milkshake and ends up bringing a boy into her business instead of her yard.
- Keith explains how to connect with hot girls when your in middle school. Hint: Join chorus!
- Eli has a mishap while brushing his teeth. Every good story should start with that formula. I had a mishap while (doing something everyone else manages to do everyday without incident).
- Josh dumps a coffee at work so he can go get his Starbucks fix.
- Juanauz calls in about his adopted snake and it’s inability to eat or poop.
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[sub-con]
Show Transcript (First 30 minutes)
James: Hey, how are you doing out there podcast people? This is, “Nobody’s Listening,” the show where everybody’s got a funny life story, so why don’t you let us tell yours? Episode 214, brought to you the week of May 20th, 2014. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison and with me as always is John “Westinghouse-Tutorial Guru” Steinklauber. How are you doing John?
John: Very good today and how are you? It’s good to know that you are…Sorry I just thought technical support.
James: [laughter] Yeah.
John: Actually, I’m great, how are you?
James: I’m doing great. I’m looking forward to that tutorial on a YouTube channel near me.
John: Oh.
James: I haven’t seen that posted.
John: Well, you know, that’s going to be part of my weekly update so…
James: Good, good, good. [laughter]
John: Stand by.
James: Speaking of weekly things, there was a photo I saw on your Instagram and I just wanted to comment. I noticed some things in this photo of your office and I just wanted to point them out publicly. You have a giant office.
John: You know it’s bigger than most offices I’ve ever had.
James: Yeah.
John: [laughter] It’s not that big, though. I mean it’s…I don’t know, eight-by-10?
James: It’s pretty big. It’s pretty big. It’s got some really blue carpet.
John: Oh my goodness. [laughter] Oh my goodness.
James: It’s the kind of blue that only churches buy.
John: Yeah, because it’s like on-sale 20 years ago. [laughter] That is the exact truth. That’s stuff’s probably been there since they built the building.
James: Yeah, church carpet. Church carpet is like…They shouldn’t even have carpet.
John: Yeah.
James: They should have concrete floors like Home Depot.
John: You know, there could be something to be said for that.
James: You think that’s funny. My first job, first church, Sheffield, they were and still have this. They have concrete floors.
The whole thing is set up like a theater so there’s, you know, seating that kind of rises up like an amphitheater and they have carpet for the main aisles, you know, but then underneath the seats, it’s nothing but concrete. The church is so giant they take leaf blowers and they just blow all the crap down to the front…
John: Really?
James: …altar area.
John: That’s amazing.
James: It saves them tons and tons of time. Water bottles, tissues, candy wrappers, you know, God knows what.
John: Man.
James: But I know you thought I was going to point out something else about your office picture and that is…
John: About it being so awesomely organized?
James: [laughter] Yeah. It is an immaculate example of children’s ministry organization.
John: Thank you.
James: There were hardly any tubs of [laughter] crap overflowing, koosh balls for no reason.
John: Jonk.
James: No, not jonk. Junk maybe.
John: Oh, yeah.
James: You know bouncy balls and an IKEA desk. I know a lot of people are giving you a hard time about your messy children’s ministry office. But having been in children’s ministry myself I will tell you a theory that I’ve always had is that if you go into a pastor’s office and it is clean, then he’s not really working. That’s my theory.
John: Yes. Because who has time to clean their office?
James: Even my boss who had an immaculate office had the messiest God-awful mess of a desk and so that’s been counted as a messed up mess. [laughter] Geniuses and creative people have crappy offices. Anyway, I just wanted to pick on you a little bit.
I have a news story. I don’t know, we never do this but it struck me this week and I thought you would enjoy it so I wanted to share it with you. It’s from Huffingtonpost.com.
John: Ooh.
James: The title is, “Booger Graffiti is “˜Snot’ Funny To Cary, NC.” That’s the title. “It will take more than tissues for police in a North Carolina town to take care of the mildly offending graffiti being spray-painted on businesses and signs. Investigators say the words “˜snot’ and “˜booger’…
John: Ugh.
James: “…have been painted on at least 20 different places this year in Cary. The police say the graffiti isn’t believed to be gang-related.” Really?
John: I don’t know. It could be a new…
James: The Booger Gang, yo. [laughter]
John: It’s The Boogs.
James: It’s The Boogs, yo.
John: The Snots and the Boogs.
James: [laughter] Fighting each other, “Yo this block belongs to The Snots.” “No it don’t.”
John: It’s a bunch of preschoolers.[laughter]
James: We’re the Boogs and The Snots, that’s good stuff. Anyway…
John: See…
James: Oh, go ahead.
John: At first when you started reading that I thought it was actually boogers and snot being used as graffiti.
James: Yeah I did too. That’s why I clicked the link. I felt a little bait-and-switched there.
John: Ah.
James: But um they said it hasn’t cost any permanent… hasn’t caused any permanent damage but Captain Don Hamilton says removing the graffiti is costly and the problem can’t be overlooked. Authorities say they are accepting anonymous tips about graffiti… about this graffiti on crime stoppers line. You’ve got a good theory there. A working theory John.
John: Yeah?
James: But I will tell you when I read that, booger graffiti is snot funny, I… and then I read the first line that is was gonna take more than tissues… I… I was like dude somebody is writing is tagging stuff with this cool graffiti font but they’re using boogers.
John: [Laughter]
James: And that is the most amazing thing I have ever heard of.
John: [Laughter] Cause you were ready to see some booger graffiti.
James: Yes, I want to know what that looks like. I want the dude from…um… Ripley’s believe it or not to go over there and photograph this dude and get him famous and um…that’s just one of those things that if a cop came by and saw booger graffiti …that’s when he goes I ain’t even mad that is amazing go ahead and deface
John: [Laughter] Cause it’s so cool
James: So dang cool. Speaking of which, I saw something on.. uh… somebody’s Instagram. Somebody that’s in New York or something. And this dude, this Chinese dude was painting calligraphy on the sidewalk and I was like thinking man I’m surprised he could get away with that. But what he was doing is he was using water on the concrete so it would make it dark and then as he would finish
John: Ohhhh
James: It would dry up and he’d go back and write something else and I was like is so dang Orientaly Chinese or something, that is just so freakin cool. That’s…that is awesome.
John: That’s crazy
James: That’s a great idea, ya know?
John: Just using water.
James: It makes Dick Van Dyke writing on the sidewalk look stupid, ya know.
John: *sings in a British accent* “It’s a jolly holiday with Mary”
James: The worst British accent.
John: Yeah
James: You’ll ever hear besides John’s
John: [Laughter]
James: Is Dick Van Dykes.
John: Wait I was imitating him.
James: Ahh ok *sings in a British accent* “It’s a jolly holiday with Mary”
John: He’s trying to
James: *continues singing* “Mary makes you feel so right” I do the animals *changes tones* “When the day is grey and ordinary Marry makes the sun shine bright.”
John: [Laughter]
James: *changes to a higher pitch* “ oh happiness is “ *stops singing* Yeah I could do the whole thing sorry. *sighs* It’s an illness. Ohhh graffiti
John: It’s awesome.
James: Oh, I been readin’ a book.
John: Yeah?
James: I been readin’ lots of books but this is the first one I will share on our comedy podcast because we are both fans of the one called Jim Gaffigan , right?
John: Yeah?
James: He has a book out.
John: I’ve heard
James: It’s called dad is fat.
John: Dad is fat.
James: And it is amazing. I’m about halfway through with it. It is not a book about parenting. It is not a book about comedy. It is not a book. It is a series of like blog posts almost, of articles. And so there’s like 500 of these things. Some of em are 4 pages. Some of em are 1 page. Some of em are half page and the book reads so well
John: mhm
James: because of it. Cause you’re not
John: Really?
James: You can just pick it up and put it down. And..um.. I got it from the library. Which is…which is…I feel ..uhh…should be illegal. It’s like downloading books, ya know?
John: [Laughter] Except you have to give it back.
James: Well yeah, I got a 14 day loan on this joker. So I gotta get it read. Um…but it is awesome. I would suggest people get it if you like his standup he is exactly the same in there except you get to hear like the him you would imagine you would see if you went like to dinner with him at his house.
John: Yeah
James: It’s awesome.
John: He doesn’t do the voices in the book does he?
James: No, no he doesn’t but he
John: *in a silly voice*” It’s not funny “
James: [Laughter] *in the same silly voice*” “Why is he writing so much about this?”
John: [Laughter] I don’t understand why he does that.
James: Terrible but yeah uh I introduced um Jim Gaffigan to my hair dresser.
John: Yeah?
James: She had never heard of him. I had brought the book in with me because I was readin’ it there while I was sittin there. And uh yeah so. I hope she’ll
John: That’s awesome
James: I hope she’ll look in she’ll look it up. She’s kind of a geeky type a girls so
John: [laughter]
James: So uh…she wouldn’t like it. I was tellin’ her about Netflix so. Uhh..let’s do some weekly updates real quick. Um today
John: That’s what I got is quick weekly updates.
James: Good. Today I was wearing a brand new pair of shorts that my wife bought me. Um
John: Sweeet
James: I wear shorts around the house a lot. It is the official uh day wear of the depressed home alone dude.
John: I thought it was the official day wear of anybody living in Florida.
James: Ok well they’re basketball shorts. The kinds that have the spots in em. You know the little dots carved into the
John: Oh right
James: Exterior layer.
John: I’ve got some on right now. Like breathable
James: I’ve got like five pairs of those ok. I can wear them with like a pantsuit or a tie. I
John: [Laughter]
James: I really mix it up good. Anyway, I’m wearing these brand new ones and I’m go to bend over to pick something up and I do this weird leg spread thing, ya know. I finally for once decided to lift with my legs instead of my knees, and dude, I hear the loudest rip you’ve ever heard. It is like a kid just held up a piece of paper and tore it in half. It was like [ripping sound]. I mean, just a clean cut.
John: Gotta love it.
James: It’s, uh yeah. And it was just like that, and I looked down expecting… well, expecting to see, you know… my, my birth–
John: The hot doctor?
James: My..
John: Oh.
James: My birthday stuff.
John: [laughter]
James: But um, but nothing was there.
John: [laughter] It’s not your birthday?
James: No, it was…
John: Ah, what happened? Nothing’s there!
James: But it’s only a candle.
John: [laughter]
James: Um.. there’s no cake. [laughter] And uh..
John: Noo. [laughter]
James: Anyway, so I’m trying to… tryna.. tryna figure it out, you know. Going about my business like nothing happened, obviously. Maybe, maybe there was something inside. Maybe, maybe these are men’s.. um, swimwear, and it has an interior f– you know, net underpant. You know, undergarment. Long story short, I did another move later on. I like did some reaching under the couch and [ripping sound], and I mean, I felt this one rip. I was like “am I coming open? Has my, you know, has my little inseam there from my fix-it days come apa- come apart?”
John: [laughter] Oh geez.
James: I didn’t feel anything, so… Uh, long story short, I-I-I finally pulled down my trunks and had a look, and I don’t know what happened to the front of my boxers. I don’t know, I’ve never had this happen to any pair. I’ve never had any tear, get holes, or anything, but this thing looks like a badger got dropped down the front of my pants and just went crazy.
John: [laughter] Badger..
James: It is tore up. Like somebody did it on purpose. So, it was weird. But it’s weirder just basically to hear the sound of something ripping…
John: ‘Cause the pants weren’t really ripped…
James: …and nothing…
John: … but the undies was.
James: …my unders. I never had that happen, you know, ’cause when you wear whities your underwear can’t rip ’cause they’re… it’s stretchy, you know, it can’t…
John: It’s like part of your body.
James: Yeah, it moves with you. But boxers I guess have, you know, if you’re wearing them low enough, and you spread your legs fast enough, you know, you can tear something wide open, so…
John: [laughter] Gee. Which is true for many things…
James: [laughter] I don’t know what you’re saying. I’m trying to protect your job. So, I don’t know. I’m gonna do it ’til.. i don’t know what that means.
John: I just said that. i don’t know what it means either, and it just came out of my mouth.
James: Alright, John. Your turn, man.
John: [laughter] Okay, so last week I was talking about the Westinghouse video, and it reminded me that, hey, maybe I should just go ahead and finish this thing. Even though the TV doesn’t work anymore, I could put some kind of creative ending to it, you know.
James: You could turn it into a fishbowl. I’ve seen that. Well, that’s flat panel. Nevermind.
John: Yeah, it is a flat panel.
James: That freaking fish would be in that thing just scooting, touching both glass pieces, just [struggling sound].
John: [fish voice] This stinks.
James: [fish voice] I can’t eat any–
John: I could turn it into a picture frame. “Wow, that picture’s so lifelike.” But um, I uh, so I decided, you know, that Johnny’s been begging to take care of the TV for me. I mean, he’s like “Dad, can I… can I have the TV?”
James: Ooh.
John: ‘Cause I know what he’s gonna do with it.
James: Yeah.
John: He’s gonna smash it. He’s gonna destroy it. And so I’m like “Let me get the… let me get the camera and uh… and, and okay, and it’ll be all yours’.”
James: [laughter]
John: And um, so I look, and I started looking for my videos that I had done ’cause I was going to make a nice compilation video, and I realized that I had deleted…
James: [gasps]
John: …not just the pic– the videos, but I deleted the entire album, which is like 3 or 4 months worth of…
James: Ooh.
John: …like pictures that I’ve had on my phone, and, of course, I don’t have everything being backed up to Dropbox.
James: Right.
John: And because I use an Android, I realized I just completely didn’t uh… I just lost it.
James: I hate that.
John: So, yeah.
James; Were you able to run a recovery thing on it or anything? ‘Cause like, you know, you can.
John: Yeah, I haven’t tried that yet. It was only a couple days ago, so I–
James: As soon as possible, dude. Yeah, recover. That’s the name of the thing, and if you can mount it as a hard drive…
John: Uh huh.
James: …and run that scan on that joker, man, you can get most of that, if not all of it, back, so… I hate hearing those stories. Ugh.
John: Yeah, well, you’ve lived through that.
James: Very recently. I mean, and it still feels recent, you know.
John: Yeah.
James: As a matter of fact, Podcast Kid is going to be coming back to the airwaves here shortly because we finally got the… the requested sponsorship amount that we wanted and, uh…
John: Sweet.
James: I’ve found that the, um… all the music and the bumpers and the intro and outro are gone.
John: Ohh.
James: So, I had to track down the original voiceover work done by Schaefer and then the music that I had purchased from a website and I was able to get all that together so now I’ve got all the pieces. So I still saved the day even though I didn’t get you know the easy thing, I didn’t get what I wanted but. Hate to hear that. But dinner tonight, Jen’s like can we go out, I’m like absolutely, I love going out, she’s like I know this place, it’s got great pizza and I should of known. My wife has never tempted me with anything that’s not good for me before. She’s never said there’s this great pizza place we need to go to, or there’s this place that has amazing donuts, or there’s this great cupcake factory where you can’t even leave and you just have to eat cupcakes until you die.
John: Intravenous sugar, I mean come-on.
James: She’s never done anything like that so I should have known, well, we get there and it’s this California grille. And those are the.
John: California pizza kitchen?
James: Well, let me get there, California Grille with an E at the end. Grille, that kind of place. And the minute I saw that freakin’ crap I should have ran because California Grille is the scariest, nastiest thing.
John: [Laughter]
James: I hate everything about not just California Grilles, I hate everything about California and everyone who lives there. No offense.
John: [Laughter]
James: No offense to Californians but I hate all of you, okay, and your food. There are three things you know when you step into a California Grille. First of all, you’re not there for the pizza. The pizza is not even pizza, it’s on some little piece of Pita bread. It’s like they wipe a tomato on it. And then they put something like broccoli and chicken on it. You know, that’s not pizza. So I get this food bowl. And, I knew, there was no pictures. There’s no pictures on the menu, it’s hipster dude, it’s hipster.
John: Oh No. Sounds expensive.
James: There’s no 5.99 or 8.99. It is Ten dollars. Eight dollars. Eleven dollars. Six dollars. Just clean, minimalistic. I should have known, but I know three things about California Grille type stuff. First your foods gonna be colorful, secondly, it’s gonna be attractive looking, but thirdly its going to be poisonous to any Southern people, to eat, and that’s what I experienced. I’m eating this stuff and my wife’s is looking at my face, and she’s like, “Do you like it?” and I’m like, “No”. She’s like, “But you’re eating it.” I said, “Yeah it’s got some redeeming qualities. It’s got just enough.”
John: But I paid fifty dollars for it.
James: Yeah [laughter] no joke. She asked me later what does it taste like because what I got was I got brown rice with some sort of Thai experiment on top of it. I thought I was gonna try to make myself something that was like Pad-Thai or Pai Wei or something from Panda Grill. I was ganna try to do something close to that, I should of known better. So I got the Thai on top of things, she says what does it taste like and I’m sitting here trying to figure it out. And first of all, I didn’t know what the little green things were, they were scallions and there was five billion of them in there. So here it is.
John: Scallions
James: I’m eating it and it just tastes like someone… like everyone ordered something different and they scraped a little bit of it off into my bowl. That’s what my food tastes like.
John: [Laughter] Yum
James: The first person ordered rice. The second person ordered salad, and the third person ordered just an entire plate of just onions and then said no I don’t want these you can have them all. [Sound of food splattering] Cause that’s what it tasted like. It was like onions, onions, onions, onions. And then little pieces of lettuce everywhere in there, and I’ve never experienced this… in… when you order a salad you expect shredded lettuce type stuff or lettuce leaves or something, but I didn’t order anything with lettuce in it, but there was lettuce there. And that’s the thing I hate about California Grilles is ’cause lettuce is tryin’ to get into everything. You can order a hamburger and usually there’s lettuce on top, there will be lettuce woven into the meat fibers and stuff like that.
John: [Laughter] It’s a secretly healthy place.
James: Well, Georgia people know the truth, that salad only belongs in one place. It has a place, and it is underneath two inches of Bacos and about a cup-and-a-half of Hidden Valley Ranch.
John: [Laughter] Oh man.
James: That is it. Lastly, I’ll just say this, I only know three hipsters in real life. One of em’s name is Matt, one’s Christian, and the other one is Josh, and I saw two of them tonight in that restaurant. I kid you not.
John: [Laughter] No way. Hipster place. They knew about it before it was cool.
James: They were there, with all the other guys. So anyway your turn. Go ahead dinner was gross by the way. In case you didn’t gather that.
John: I’m so sorry. I haven’t eaten yet. I fell asleep on the couch, today after I got back from work. My son’s like, “Dad, will you play Minecraft with me?” I’m like, “OK.” So I’m sitting there and we have it on the PS3, so it’s kind of easy to do with two people, right?”
James: Yeah.
John: So I’m sitting there and I’m hearing him. He keeps calling my name, I’m like, “What? I’m playing!” and then I realize I’m sleeping. It’s the weirdest thing.
James: [laughter]
John: So that said, I haven’t had dinner yet and I’m hungry. And I would have totally eaten whatever it was that you had, because it sounded delicious.
James: Oh, it was gross. Everyone else had pizza, by the way.
John: [laughter]
James: My son had pepperoni pizza, my daughter had regular cheese pizza. My wife had this Chicken Marsala pizza. I didn’t know, I didn’t even see the dumb pizza. I forgot that’s what had drawn me there in the first place. So I could have had, you know, I don’t know. It tastes like eating, I told you, it’s not pizza. I don’t know what it is. It’s like some sort of leftovers.
John: Something on top of a pita bread.
James: It’s like you went out to your Southern family’s family reunion. They took everything that was left over, that nobody wanted to eat off their plates, and they opened a restaurant.
John: That’s what they do in California.
James: Cause it’s got the chili peppers, it’s got the weird little squiggles, it’s got the crusty breads. It’s got weird-shaped, they don’t even cut the pineapples correctly. THey look like little half pencils, broken in half. It was weird. I had to eat five of them before I realized, “Oh this is pineapple!” Why are they doing this?
John: [laughter] Like to be different, man.
James: Were they stabbing it with a straw and then spitting it out into a bowl? I don’t know. California!
John: Pineapple straws, there you go!
James: It was weird.
John: Start something new.
James: Speaking of weird, speaking of weird, I take a lot of pills, as part of my coming back to life therapy. It’s what I do. It’s part of my job. I take pills in the morning and pills at night and it helps my brain do what it’s supposed to do. I got, I’m really good at swallowing pills. Back in the day, if I had took a Tylenol, and Advil,
John: Yeah.
James: I’d choke on it.
John: Really?
James: I had to throw it down the back of my throat, drink water, still have it up. Dude, I can just swallow fifteen pills, a handful, and nothing.
John: Nice!
James: I can do it dry.
John: You’re a pro!
James: I am a pro. But the problem comes in when I got my new cup. I have this cup, and it’s an improvement over my last Bubba cup. My wife likes it a lot better. It’s taller, it’s about 22oz, so it’s smaller, it’s see-through. It’s double-cupped you know so it doesn’t,
John: Oh yeah, sweat.
James: sweat and condense all over my desk. It’s a lot more acceptable than the big keg thing that I used to drink out of. So she,
John: But [indecipherable] were cool.
James: She likes it, but then the problem is, I tried to use it the other day to drink, to get water into my body so I could swallow these pills and I forgot for a second that I had the big, honking, thick rubber straw stuffed down in there. And I’ve had straws up my nose before, and it hurts, it kinda crunches in, it takes a little bit, it takes a pineapple straw slice out.
John: [laughter] You’ve had straws up your nose before?
James: I have. We’ve all done that where you forget and you’re like, “AH!” But this one was thick.
John: It was my eye.
James: This one was like having a dead man’s finger up your nose, and his bone has been pulled out of his finger.
John: EW!
James: So, It was just like that. It was like hollow flesh going all the way up my nose, and it went far! Because it could change shape. A straw can’t do that, but this rubber, surgical tubing thing did and could.
John: Ay yi yi!
James: It saw into my past, that’s how far in it went.
John: [laughter] Good Grief!
James: It saw my memories.
John: You’re trying to go to your stomach? Since that way you can just, like, snort the pills or something?
James: That’s it. I was trying to give myself one of those, you know, intravenous trachs! Yeah, trach. I was giving myself a trach.
John: You’re intubating yourself.
James: Yeah, there you go! So I can just throw the pills right back, right down there.
John: Just skip the breathing part, it’s nasty.
James: So you got to tell me about this thing down here, that I see down here in code. That’s your weekly update, because it was there last week and I’m dying to know what it’s about.
John: OK, well this is my son, James, the youngest. He’s in pre-K this year.
James: Oh boy!
John: Because as, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but there is a school, I probably have, affiliated with the church that I work at now. So one of the perks is he gets to go to school there.
James: Very cool!
John: So he’s learning all sorts of cool stuff, and he’s a smart little booger. But he doesn’t, his words don’t always come out right. And they’re kind of, he replaces some words and sounds. I don’t know like his his glitters and stuff I don’t know anyways he has kind of a you really have to pay attention to him sometimes.
James: Yeah yeah.
John: And so he came up to me the other day and he whispered something in my ears and he said he said duddesosprairs [laughter] and I’m like what are you talking about he says duddesosprairs [laughter] and usually I can get him to like show me what he’s talking about ’cause he’s talking about a Lego or talking about something in minecraft or whatever and and I said what do you mean can you show me and I said and then he said Good is so sprairs [laughter] that’s a song.
James: Oh God answers prayers.
John:God answers prayers yeah it might not be funny to anybody else but I know that.
James: No that’s great.
John: You have gone through that ’cause didn’t Jay have a have some speech [indecipherable].
James: Jay is still in there he just today at dinner he was there was this little exercise that had a sentence find how many words you can find you know out of the letters in this sentence and after a little bit of encouragement and teaching he was able to start finding these letters and and his I kinda [indecipherable] his sister and him are fighting and it’s like lean over and what’s going on what’s going on and she’s like Jay is like she won’t tell me how to spell this word and I’m like Jenna [laughter] what’s the deal and she goes I I it’s you know and I go like never mind Jay what’s the word and he goes it’s loave how do you spell loave I’m like that’s not a word [laughter] and Jenna’s like that’s what I was trying to tell him [laughter] okay he was really upset that loave wasn’t a word.
John: Loave.
James: Loave not loaf but loave like if you mispronounced love loave [laughter] the long ooo sound.
John: Ah man at least he’s not asking you to tell you what word starts with what letter that’s what James does what what or no he says what number is that when he’s pointing at letters what number is that [laughter].
James: Jay is the same thing same thing [laughter].
John: It must be in the names you know when you’re a kid [laughter] awesome.
James: Alright I’ll stop with this one umm there’s a lot of great thing that happened that I can’t always share every just for time sake but [laughter].
James: This one I’m gonna try and share is calmly and is quietly as I can and carefully because it really did happen and I’m not gonna exaggerate it but it is kinda gross and [laughter].
James: And a little bit explicit okay [laughter] warning [indecipherable].
James: Now I’m really gonna try to keep it down here we go. So I was driving in my car and this place that I’m at, Saint Petersburg, is kind of like a beach town and the beach kind of reaches into even the center of town so people are always on bikes and they’re always on these mopeds and so it’s commonplace to see them, even just the smaller ones it can only be 30 miles per hour, it’s common to see them in traffic, and you go around them and that’s that thing, but at this particular stop there’s a lady, an older lady like a really old lady, on a moped and I was like wow cool old lady on moped you should see that [laughter] and then I was like wow this old lady on moped she must be going to a costume party because she had a leather coat on with a red shirt and she had this leather skirt and I was like that’s an awfully short skirt and then I realized something kind of like you just you can’t unsee it and you can’t turn away.
John: Please no
James: Her legs were spread straddling that joker you know ’cause you know when you’re riding a moped your legs are together you know there’s nothing on [indecipherable] it’s not like a motorcycle but when you have to hold yourself up those legs have to come out and I don’t know she probably at just that moment I’m gonna give her the benefit of that she probably realized that those that was a bad clothing choice. [laughter]
James: For that method of transportation I’m gonna call it a costume malfunction but that short skirt and those legs I could tell you this she had on white underwear that’s all I’ll say.
John: White aww.
James: It was horrible and I don’t know if she knew or if she didn’t care or if she was just clueless you know I don’t know.
John: I’m gonna go for the latter.