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We’re in front of a life audience in Atlanta at Narthex.5 sharing a collection of hilarious and cringe-worthy real-life stories submitted by listeners. TJ accidentally punches a teammate. James and John confess their childhood misdeeds. Bill’s fart backfires. Wes describes a painful 4-H camp mishap. Zach tells a shocking tale of accidentally cutting off his thumb with a table saw. Tune in for hilarious clean comedy!
Full Transcript:
This is That Story Show where we encourage danger because it makes a great story. Hey podcast people, I’m your host, my name is James Kenison. And I am John. Welcome to That Story Show, a clean comedy podcast where we share your hilarious real life stories.
Everybody’s? Yeah. This is a unique day, isn’t it James? I do.
You know, I had a tree the other day who talked to me and he was very mean. Me? I was a mean in your dream. No, a tree.
Oh, a tree. A tree. A vegetable, I guess, is what a tree is. Is it?
I don’t know. Anyway, this one’s a plant for sure. It’s definitely a plant. And you thought I was going to make a bark joke, but I’m not.
I’m going to tell you what I told him. I said, you can say all you want, but you will dialogue. You’ll dialogue? Yeah.
Get it? Everybody in the room. Laugh loud so it’ll make it on the recording. Thank you.
Dialogue. Thank you. There you go. All right.
I heard a lot of moaning and crying. I didn’t say that one. Sounded like the gnashing of teeth. It’s not that bad, ladies and gentlemen.
We always start with an opening story. This comes from TJ in Rexburg, Indiana. I guess that’s I-D. Idaho.
Idaho. Yeah, I think that’s right. Is Indiana I-N? Let’s query the audience.
Is I-D, Indiana, Idaho, or? Idaho. Idaho. All right.
Okay. Two points for John. I was at church, a church social event. I attended a religious college where we’re assigned to congregations.
Is that like Harry Potter where you’re assigned to a house? Yeah, I think so. I think it is exactly that. This is a church version.
Yeah. Harry Potter. You’re a congregation. They also call it a coven.
Oh, no, that’s not. Several of these congregations got together to eat and play games and raise demons. One of these games, one of these games we played was called Spikeball. Oh, Spikeball.
Yeah. where you take the blood of a goat and sprinkle it over a ball with a little bit of alcohol. I thought it was different. I thought it was like a game that you played with cactuses.
Oh yeah. Is it related to pickleball? I don’t know. He said, I thought I knew the rules to spike ball.
There is a small trampoline in the middle and multiple teams of two. That sounds complex. I thought it was like four square where if the ball came to you, you had to spike it back onto the trampoline. But apparently it’s more like volleyball where you pass it back and forth onto the tramp.
Oh, right, right, right. I know this game. It’s a very small netted trampoline. Yes.
I don’t know what that means. Pass it back and forth onto the trampoline between teammates. If it’s too far, then you spike it. Before I learned the rules, we had a little mishap.
The ball had bounced off the tramp. I mean the trampoline. Me and my teammate both went for it. Although I didn’t know he was my teammate, my hand got to it first.
And as I went to hit it back towards the net, I caught my teammates square in the eye. We fell over laughing because his eye fell out. And then the others cleared up the rules for me. Oh, yeah.
It’s important to know the rules ahead of time. It’s good to play a game when you know the rules. Yeah. Are not to hit, punch people in the face.
Yeah, don’t punch a guy in the eye. Ouch. And know who your teammate is. There’s only one other guy.
It does help. And he’s part of your congregation. Uh-huh. So you should know him.
Ten points for… What would you think they’d name the congregations in a… Probably the… A non-Harry Potter church camp.
The Johns. That Story Show Nevermind. I don’t know what that means. That would be terrible.
I’m going to see Babymetal. Have you ever heard of them? I have because of you, James. Because they’re hard rock, but then they’re super cute and they sing very high voices.
They’re six months old. They’re not. It’d have to be that. They’re grown.
They’re grown. They’re old. You’d like them. I would.
What does that mean? What are you saying? You like old ladies and you like a young Hayley Mills. Hayley Mills was a kid when I was a kid because I was watching reruns.
Yeah, but you didn’t delineate that in the show. You said you thought she was cute. She was. She’s probably cute now.
Probably. Probably. I’ll have to pull up a picture. She’s probably post alive, so I’m not going to do that.
It’s not going to be inappropriate, John. It’s Hayley Mills. Is that why you’re not looking? Because it’s not appropriate?
I just don’t want to waste their time. You know, I have a confession. So this could be something to spur you on in your thoughts in the show. When I was a kid in school, there was this other kid that other people didn’t like very much.
But you did, of course. No, I told on this kid and it wasn’t their fault for anything. That sounds really bad. That does, actually.
I just made that up. I don’t even know what that means. I did. That’s how bad it was.
What did you tell on him about? What did he do? I just said that I lost one of the… Okay.
All right. Bring it down. We used to play in the, and this is, this is like second grade, second grade. And we used to play in this little dirt area next to our, to our, our, our trailer.
Our classroom was a trailer. Yes. It’s a portable. It was a portable.
That’s what they called it. Little private school. Yeah. And there was this kid, he was probably in sixth grade.
He was a big kid. And he was kind of mean. And, um, I lost my friend’s car in the sand. And I, and I said, it was this other guy that lost it.
Oh, John! I lied, James. That was a lie. That’s a confession.
How old were you? However old second graders are. Like seven? Yeah.
Maybe six? I’ve lived with this secret for a long time. And now it’s coming to you. And you’ve been taking communion?
And you’ve had aught against your brother? I didn’t. He probably has aught against me. Yeah.
Well, I’ll admit to something too. I was moving to a different city and I was on the bus and it was my last day of school. Not everybody’s just mine. Cause you’re last.
And this kid had a GI Joe figure that I wanted to steal. I knew I wanted to steal it. So I asked him, can I borrow it and bring it back tomorrow? And he didn’t want to do it.
He didn’t want to do it, but I talked him into it and he finally begrudgingly gave it to me and I kept it for the rest of your life. Yeah, I still have it. Listen, those of you in the room, this is bad advice. This is a confession.
Yeah. Yeah. We’re just shamed, very ashamed of ourselves. And if that kid that got his, who, that I lied about, if you’re listening, Steve, um, I am sorry.
And, uh, I apologize. And he’s sorry for making fun of your crossed eyes. He didn’t have cross eyes. He might have afterwards because the teacher got, he got in trouble.
She, the teacher, my teacher called him into the classroom. Yeah. And chewed him out in front of the whole classroom. For losing his shoe?
For losing the car. Oh, the car. He didn’t even know what was being talked about. Cause he was, cause he was, cause he was clueless.
Like I didn’t. Cause you told on him. I told on him. I’m the worst.
I feel so bad. You were when you were in second grade and you haven’t gotten much better since then. So my wife is here. Y’all who are in the room, she’s back there.
My lovely wife, Amy, say hi. Hi. Um, she didn’t know this story. Oh, and I think that, uh, things are going to change.
I think, I think I’m going to get it. You’re going to be in the backyard hammock tonight. You’re going to be out in that outhouse with the possums. It’s true.
Maybe. Please let me sleep in the house tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch. Okay.
Thanks for confessing, John. It’s a good seed to plant. I don’t feel any better after that. I feel like I need to go do something to absolve myself.
Brush your teeth or something. That lie came out through your teeth, your lying mouth. I’m embarrassed now too. Every cavity you’ve had is because of that sour lie.
Fair enough. Your breath stinks because of that lie. You can’t grow a proper beard. I had one a couple weeks ago.
The hair on your ears is long because of that lie. God has judged you my friend and you have been found wanting. thatstoryshow.com. This is narthexcon.5 coming at you somewhere near Atlanta.
Where are we at? We are in the town of Sharpsburg. Sharpsburg! Which sits next to Noonan and Senoia.
And Noonan and Senoia is where they shot Walking Dead. Yeah, and some of Stranger Things was done out there. Yeah. A bunch of other shows you’ve never heard of.
Fun fact. So right behind that movie theater behind you all. Oh, this is not very fun. He told me earlier.
It was fun. It was fun to me to tell him. It’s boring as crap. It’s very cool.
So if you watched the latest season of, uh, of stranger things, you’ll know that there’s a lake where what’s his name, uh, was hiding out at. Exactly. What’s his name? Who knows who that is?
I can’t remember. I can’t remember. Anyway, there’s a portal in the bottom of the lake, right? That’s how they got to the upside down.
I don’t remember this part. you should because it was last season. I watched it. And that lake is behind that theater there.
Now you can’t go there because it’s kind of private but if you sneak through the woods you might be able to see it. So see was that worth listening to? No. I mean.
No. Jacob says yes. Jacob has a low threshold for what he finds entertaining. It’s kind of kind of cool.
That’s why he enjoys our show. thatstoryshow.com. He’s lost three of his fingers, guys. The better part of three of his fingers.
They’re still there. They’re there. They’re just, he’s got like a short wave now. Just like if he got married, wait, that’s your right hand.
Nevermind. If it was on his left hand, he would get married sooner because there’s less finger to travel on. So there we go. All right.
Um, it’s time for us to do our, uh, weekly update or rewind the week. All right, I’ll go first. I got two. Is that okay?
Yeah. I mean, this one’s kind of sensitive because it’s about women’s stuff and I don’t like talking about women’s stuff. I don’t like placentas and things like that. You know how I am, but this one’s important.
You want to know a fun fact about placentas? Huh? You want to know a fun fact about placentas? No, actually.
I’m going to tell you anyways, because I was back there and we had it on our show. On our show, we were talking about Now your breath, your stank lying breath is on my mic. I can’t normally do that. It’s kind of nice.
It was not nice. My wife teaches Latin and placenta is Latin. What did you say it meant? Cake.
No! Placenta is Latin for cake. What? Yeah.
That’s crazy. No wonder Latin is a dead language. That’s horrible. Yeah.
I don’t know. Is that why some weirdos eat them? I don’t know. Have you heard of this?
I have. Yeah. On like the learning channel? Yeah.
Yeah. Let’s have a little party and fry it up and hand it out to people. That’s grosser than gross. It’s a birthday placenta.
It’s a cake. It is a birthday cake. Yeah. Mm-hmm fun fact you were getting them all today aren’t we this is so good.
John is really going wild today I hope y’all have seen this. He’s he’s a little mad with power It took over my microphone. I well I might confess to messing with a special-needs kid. He wasn’t no he admitted to loving Hayley Mills and He’s apparently a big fat liar We didn’t know this, but anyway.
All right. So mine has to do with female stuff and it’s, it’s because I, uh, I was peeing in the dark and, um, I didn’t hear the water. Oh, I heard my water, but I didn’t hear the water. And so I’m like, I’m either missing completely or I’m up on the rim of the boat.
You know what I’m saying? Yeah. And so I thought I’ll ask the audience what they think about that and I mentioned it on a weekly update and one of our blind listeners said you should do what I do I always sit down he said I always sit down so I always aim properly so I mean I thought about that and I’m like sounds like a good plan So even though it’s not a very masculine thing to do, I’ve never claimed to be masculine.
The only macho thing I can do is grow a beard. So I sat down to do number one and I realized I was also in the position to poop if I wanted to. I mean, that’s kind of how that works. And so I did.
Oh. Okay? I don’t share all that to say that. That’s just to warm up to the fact that I realized why women live longer than men.
Because every time they pee, they’re also in the position to poop. And so they can just do it whenever and they don’t hold on to it like men do. And I think that’s the reason why y’all outlive us. I mean, is you’re getting rid of the poison that’s in your body.
That’s what I honestly believe. You probably should write a thesis on that. I think I just did. Maybe.
It’s right here. It says girls always ready to poop. Always ready. It does say that in the notes right there.
Yeah. Always. Always. That makes sense now.
Constantly. Like forever. And yet it’s us who is full of it. Yeah.
Well, that’s why they say that. Yeah. Because we are. Everyone has poop in their colon right now.
I didn’t think about that. All of you are ready to poop. And, uh, the water is back on. So you can flush the toilet.
Yeah. Just want to let you know. I know I sent an email out to everyone saying we wouldn’t have water, but we do. Uh, this is not a really a weekly update.
It’s just a comment. Keurigs sound like they’re peeing. They do. Or they sound like they just came back from Taco Bell.
That’s grosser than gross. I mean, it’s kind of true. Is it raining outside? It is raining outside.
That’s so weird. I just ordered it to cool down the air a little bit. Okay, thanks. All right, so this is my real weekly update.
If John would shut up. Okay, fine. I was on a tram at the airport and it was crammed full of people and this really big guy got on. He wasn’t fat, he was just Big.
Just big. You know, just a big dude. And his wife had gotten on and she was pushing a stroller. She managed to get in, but the doors started closing on his butt because his butt stuck out like an arrow from the back of his belt.
Cause he was a big guy. He had a big butt and the doors were closing on him on his tailpipe. And he, he said, calm down woman. That’s what he said.
Calm down woman. I got it under control. I’m fine. Calm down.
But he didn’t hold on to anything and when the car moved forward he straight up fell over. On to people. He knocked over four people and a child. A four-year-old child.
It’s like a little boy. And the boy started crying and he was underneath other people. Did you pull out your phone and get this on video? I didn’t.
I didn’t even think to do it because I was praying in tongues. Not Christian tongues,just like,hololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol And then all the people get up and then the big guy is stuck. He can’t walk because the centrifugal forces or whatever the G forces are pulling him down. And so his wife grabs him by the hand and pulls him up.
She’s a bigger lady too. And I just want to look at him and say, thatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstorys What do you think about Hayley Mills? Fine. She’s fine.
She’s absolutely fine. Super fine. That’s what he said. I had other crushes growing up.
She was just the oldest. What, the Olsen twins? What was it? They were after, yeah.
Oh, the kids on Romper Room? Mickey Mouse Club. Really? Oh, come on, man.
There’s Hayley Mills. She looks like she’s been through the mill. All right. She looks fine.
She does not look fine. She looks like a raisin lady. I mean, her skin is a see-through. Those are veins that you’re seeing.
She does look good. She looks a little, little worse for wear. I mean, you can tell she hasn’t done any hard drugs. I mean Xanax maybe, but what’s that for?
She has pearl earrings. That’s cute. But she’s definitely lost that beautiful golden hair that you were in love with. It looks golden to me.
Well, that’s the eyes of love. Inappropriate love. All right. So John, you have a weekly update, I assume.
I hope so. I don’t know. Let’s see. Okay.
Other than being completely embarrassed by my son, I went on a hike last week. It was supposed to be a 50 mile hike. Yeah. It’s going to be great.
We packed everything. 50 miles. 50 miles. How long was that supposed to take, John?
I’m that has this big, holds 32 ounces. It’s got a filter built into it. So you could just dip the bottle down into the stream. Into the swamp?
Close it up. Yeah. That’s cool. It filters it through the straw.
It was good. Just at the last possible minute, it’s like… Glass, yeah. Come on, bacteria.
Stay in the straw. Stay in, it was a filter straw. It was good. Like a life straw kind of thing.
I don’t even know what that is. It’s a filter. It’s not real. It is real.
Promise. It doesn’t give life. They’re not a sponsor, so I can’t sell their product, but that’s not what I had anyway, though. I had a knockoff version.
It came from China. From Timu? Kinda. kind of there.
And, um, and, and so this, we were ready to go, dude. We were just, I was, I was feeling it. I was going to make 50 miles, 10 miles a day. Let’s do this.
Yeah. A million degrees outside and it was going to be great. And so we got to the place where we, where we were going to hike from the trailhead and I got to put my backpack on and have my water bottle, my brand new water bottle filled with water, clean water, by the way. Yeah,filter.
And I put it on and my water bottle wasn’t secure to my backpack and it fell to the ground and broke. Broke? Shattered. Was it glass?
No, it was plastic. It was cheaper plastic, I guess. I guess. And it should have been.
Who’s ever broken a milk jug here? Anyone? Anybody ever shattered a milk jug? Because it’s impossible.
How did you break a plastic water bottle? I don’t know. It fell out of my bag in just the appropriate perfect position and it landed on its lid and broke. So, um, I knew that the trip was probably doomed from that moment.
Yeah, that’s an omen right there. I don’t believe in them, but that was one. Because I mean, how am I going to drink? Fortunately, James, my younger son was on the, on the trip with me.
Luckily you still had that bottle of gin. Yeah, the trip was very interesting after that. Yeah. No, I had to borrow the water from my son James.
No, that means you had to drink after he drank out of it. He did. That’s super gross. He had to drink after me.
He had to drink after me, you know? No, you drank after him. I drank after him. You didn’t break up with her.
She broke up with you. It’s different. If you drank first, he would drink after you, but it was his water. He drank first and then you drank his spit.
I mean, when you’re on the trail and you’re hot and sweaty. No. It’s okay. No, it’s not.
It’s water. It’s salt water. It’s sweat water. It’s gross.
I didn’t think about it. You should have. Yeah. We didn’t finish the trip.
It’s like you kissed him on the mouth. I mean, virtually. Virtually, of course. You’re not wrong.
Sorry, son. It’s like you went on chat GBT and said, what would it be like to kiss James on the mouth? And it would tell you. Just drink after him.
I don’t have anything funny from that story anymore because I didn’t make it. Let’s find the funny. Okay. Okay.
All right. So you were hiking. We were hiking. And you were bald.
I was bald. I actually trimmed my beard for this because I knew it was just gonna be so hot out there that if I had all the hair on my face, it would be even worse. Did you have sunscreen on? I wore long sleeves.
I didn’t ask about that. I was asking about your head. I didn’t. I didn’t.
No. Okay. So you got a little sunny, a little sun, your bean got baked? No.
No? No, I had a hat. So how long did you make it on this 50 mile hike, John? Well, it’s not all my fault.
I’m guessing not very far. Well, it’s kind of far. Kind of. I mean, we made it to the second day.
Second day out of five. We had some challenges along the way. Yeah. And one of them was my broken water bottle.
And the other challenges were that everybody else was too tired to do it. They were quitting. Yeah. People had quit before.
Yeah. He told me this story earlier. Three of the four, actually four of the others that were on the hike are in the room with us today. So they didn’t die on the trail.
They didn’t die. Okay. No bear didn’t get them or anything. No bears.
They didn’t break a leg. Compound fractures. It was just so hot. It was hot, right?
We had to quit early. Yeah. The what? The frames.
The frames. Their backpacks were so heavy. Oh, they’re made out of steel. No, they’re made out of a tube.
They were like, I think I’m pretty sure they got it off of an old train. Yeah. And they like fashioned it together and made it look like a backpack. Right.
They just hung their their stuff on it. Okay. And so like they were, I can see who you’re talking about. They are very thin people.
Yeah. Like the backpacks were heavier than they were. That’s what I’m trying to say. Yeah.
And so it’s actually the air fault. You have hollow bones, boys. Yeah. He was the one that couldn’t carry?
See, he almost died. Thomas did. Were you carrying your dad? What’s the deal?
Well, see, there’s hills on this trail. Oh, no. And Thomas’s backpack was heavier. The great elevations of Georgia.
Yeah. I was serious. This is actually North Carolina, y’all. Oh, oh, my bad.
Yeah. South Carolina. North Carolina is known for its mountains. Foothills Trail.
Oh, I mean, elevation 500 feet. Mount Kilimanjaro Trail. Four miles above sea level. It’s so bad.
The air is thin up there at 15 feet, isn’t it? We had a Sherpa, except he wasn’t really there. It was just like a squirrel we were chasing the whole time. And, uh, And we had to, for the sake of the Schatzbergs, we had to do that.
What did you just say? That’s their last name. Really? I’m not going to spell it for you because…
Stalkers? It sounds like Latin for cake. Yeah, I appreciate you being a good sport about me saying you had hollow bones. I mean, they’re small.
I mean, they’re tall, skinny dudes. Yeah, they are. And congratulations on that because I… We’ll get it next time.
We’ll get the trail next time. That’s right. Next time. In the fall when it’s not 1 billion degrees outside.
Yeah. So John, when did you know that you had lost at hiking? Like did you get given up? What was the moment where your soul died?
On the way home, when I was realizing that I wasn’t going to accomplish my task. So not when you started crying after dropping your backpack on the ground? It was just the water bottle that fell. No, I’m talking about when you quit walking and you didn’t take that next step and you said, I gotta quit because I was.
I didn’t say that. Yeah. I was very mature. Oh, really?
How does that sound? How does that go? I was like, you know, I think that we should probably. This sounds like John’s anointed beard oil commercial.
Yeah. Oh, here we are up in this mountain. I don’t think we should finish this trip because if we do, we might all pass away beyond life. So yeah, it was probably that moment when I said we should probably reconsider this trip.
So did anybody make it the whole 50 miles? No, no, because like the guys that was in charge, because I wasn’t in charge. I was just the oldest one there. So you drove all the way to North Carolina.
Oh, let’s not do that. And you packed a full bag. Yeah. You were ready for camping.
You had food and supplies and all that stuff. Yeah. Had these super light backpacks that were not made from train leftovers. Yeah.
And you quit. Yeah. Okay. But when you say it like that.
What congregation are you a part of? Because I don’t want to be in your congregation. I would rather play with the guy that puts people’s eyes out. It’s raining really hard out there, y’all.
You can hear it on the metal roof, but you can’t at home, so we’re just going to continue. Guys, we got a review brought to you by podgagement.com. OMG, I just heard my story on the show. It doesn’t get better.
That’s as good as it gets. Yeah. I wrote this podcast. Of course you did because that’s why you got right on the show.
But seriously, this podcast is my humor and it’s everything I love. Oh, now I’m going to turn into a bat and fly away. Hey, you only do that when you’re embarrassed, but no, really, I love this podcast and it truly is where I’ll go on the podcast app. Good.
Thank you. Good. That comes just from Ugg’s Memes Amazement. Yeah.
Ugg Memes Amazement is the username there. Thank you Ugg Memes Amazement. Thank you. Thank you.
I can’t say that word. Please leave us a review on iTunes or Spotify. It makes us really happy and really helps the show. Review.thatstoryshow.com You can leave reviews on Spotify.
You can actually, did you know this? They can, they can comment on the episode itself if they’re in the Spotify app. And people do it. They’re like, this was really funny right here.
And they’ll comment. I’m going to have to find those. Yeah. I didn’t, I didn’t even know where to look.
But then when I found them, I was like, this is really nice. Anyway, welcome to our listeners from, uh, Brunei Deir al-Salem. That is a country. That’s a whole country?
It’s a whole country and we rank number three in the comedy podcasts in their iTunes. We’re ranked the number three comedy podcast,not just clean comedy,all the comedy.They’re an Islamic country,but religious tolerance is maintained and their humor is generally subtle,polite and family friendly.We’re none of those things. That Story Show Puns or situational comedy like when you were in this situation where you felt like you were gonna die from carrying a very light backpack. It didn’t have two liters of water attached to it because you broke a plastic bottle on the ground.
That’s so dumb. I found a new way to carry half the water. Yeah? Yeah.
In your belly? No, I just broke the other half of it. I know how to get rid of water. Yeah.
Anyway, we all know that. Okay. All right, fine. We’re born with that.
Okay, John. Let me tell y’all a story Alright we got a story from Bill from Indiana. Bill’s telling us a story called Trumpet Trouble. Like most humans, a moment strikes you for the urge to pass a little gas.
This was my case one morning when I arrived at work. I work in a cubicle environment where each cube has pretty high walls so thankfully we do not have to look at each other while we are working. My back face is my cubicle neighbor across the walkway. Typical office ambiance is quiet with the sounds of clicking on keyboards, the shuffling of papers, and soft voices conducting conversations about their day.
I sat at my desk and I developed a noticeable gas bubble requesting immediate departure. I thought to myself this is a perfect opportunity to do the one cheek sneak. It’s a procedure. What’s that?
He shifts over,he lifts one and lets it go into the padding fabric of his office chair. He’s never failed with this method. It’s worked successfully for him in the past, so he approached it with confidence. I initiated the body lean in and I granted departure.
To my absolute horror, the bubble decided to take a 180 and instead of softly sliding out the back way, it turned around and decided to go rogue and travel north through the private area. That’s going to be a weird sound. I mean, it’s going to be like somebody slapping a piece of ham against the wall. I can’t say that.
I just talking about cold cuts, man. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know. Anyway, it made the sound of a small trumpet.
I could not explain this sound. I don’t know what it went through to make that sound. But I could not believe the sudden change of events. It caught me completely off guard.
I didn’t know what to do. Well, you could apologize. You could say, pardon me. You start coughing immediately so that it covers everything.
I started to panic. My face was probably a shade of red. Surely the whole office had to hear it. Did they think it was the return of Jesus, that the rapture was happening, that it was the final trumpet blast?
Would anyone wonder who was making pizza? I slowly turn my head to look over my shoulder and with much relief my neighbor was not at his desk. He ran away. Exactly.
He’s like I can’t be around when this guy realizes I’m here. Can’t do it. Can’t do it. It came out the front port instead of the back.
With the tall walls around me, I felt safe from the glaring eyes of anyone within earshot of my impromptu musical performance. In my stunned silence, I didn’t hear any distant laughter or conversation, but I was confident that they had heard it. So in an effort to save face, I quickly turned into a bat and flew away. No, you did not.
You stood there in the stench of your own stank. and you turned red. What was the worst sneaky flail flagellants attempt that you’ve ever had? Oh, thanks for the great podcast Bill from Indiana.
Mine was earlier. Today? Yes, earlier today. I was squatting down trying to put this black table thing underneath the leg.
Okay. And I thought I would sneak one out. I’m like everything’s separated. It’s just going to air.
It’s just going to be a whoosh. Oh, it was a wood shell, right? It sounded like this. So I don’t know what was loose.
I don’t know, dude. It sounded like you dropped a bag of rocks. It did. It sounded like an industrial toilet flushing.
You know that? No. That they do when it’s under pressure. He kept a straight face, y’all.
I did. I didn’t know how he did it. I couldn’t hear it. And I realized I didn’t have my hearing aids in.
So I still don’t know. So if I do it again, it’s not my fault. I mean, we’re at that age. I guess we kind of get rid of get away.
Yeah, right. I’ve gotten off the habit of wiping down the toilet before I sit down like I don’t care. Oh man, as long as there’s not Water droplets on the toilet. I just sit right down.
Yeah. It’s not a problem. I used to take Clorox wipes and thoroughly clean a toilet before I’d sit down. And then I did the paper, you know, where you pull up and then pull down.
I did that. And now I’m old enough. It’s like, it’s my butt. Yeah.
It’s a good point. Whatever. You know this story from Bill reminds me when I was working at the CDC we had to move our offices so they moved us into this separate building that was way on the other side of campus and it was they called it the swing space. Nobody went over there and it was just me and the team that I was working with which was like three of us at the time.
So we were located in the swing space and people go walk through the building occasionally So I was in there one day just doing my work and I would work late sometimes just because get things done Somebody came walking in and they’re walking down the hall and I could hear the footsteps and then they went He said oh my And he kept going I was snickering laughing to myself because I heard it and he thought there was nobody there because You know who was gonna be in the building right? Um, but yeah, that was that was a funny story The only thing I can relate to that is one time I was at a Christian concert and I went to the toilet And there was a guy in the stall. Yeah.
And he was talking to Jesus. And he was like, Oh, Lord, oh, Lord, oh, Lord. And then you hear. Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus. Yeah. That was at the Carpenters Home Church, wasn’t it? It was.
There was, that was, but there was a, it was a concert. Yeah. It was called the Jesus play. And, uh, it was another, a whole different guy.
And, um, I was like, help him Lord, help him Lord Jesus. And the guy next to me at the urinal almost died. Cause he was laughing so hard. He’s like, that’s so good.
It’s so good. So I was like, not as good as what that guy’s feeling right now. The release of the Holy Spirit in his life. He got that demon out.
So anyway, read the next story, John. This comes to us from Wes and he’s in Manhattan. thatstoryshow. I love it so much.
I don’t. Last summer I went to a 4-H camp place where you would get to discover the great outdoors and do activities all day. I know an activity you were supposed to do all day. What?
Hike. Hey, listen. thatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstoryshow.com,reviewthatstorys In the fall. In the future.
In the future. When you’re older and weaker. Listen, I’m going to be 50 for the rest of the year. Yeah.
So I can do 50 miles in my 50s. Okay. I’ll believe it when I see it. I don’t look 50, do I?
No, don’t answer that. There’s one activity we did. You don’t look 50, you look 60. Ah, stop.
Somebody cried. 60’s not that old. Somebody said aww. Thank you.
All right. He does, but that’s not nice. That’s what that off said. You shouldn’t make fun of John.
He can’t help it if he looks 10 years older than he is. All right, go ahead. I’m sorry. Okay.
Okay. So the 4-H is a place where you can get to discover the great outdoors and do activities all day and have amazing food for each meal. Nice. This was one activity we did was this one activity that we did was called catching crawdads.
Oh, James, you know what a crawdad is? I do. Crawdad. Yeah.
It’s like a shrimp but it has more legs. It looks kind of like a little tiny lobster. It has little pinchers. Clippy.
Yeah. And what else do we call those things? Some people call them mud bugs. Oh, gross.
No. Crayfish. Yeah. Crayfish.
Yeah. Thank you. Crawdads. Me and my new buddies were going into the water and having a grand old time looking for crawdads.
We were barefoot. There you go. So we went venturing pretty deep and I got, and it got kind of slippery. And then the unthinkable happened.
I slipped and hit my right heel on a sharp rock. Oh, nice. Nice. Nice.
What happened then? It started to bleed. Started to bleed pretty bad. How did you know?
Because the water turned pink. And we had to get to the nurse’s office quick. My friend offered to help me by putting his back. No, say that again.
Okay. My friend offered to help by putting me on his back. There you go. Probably should have worn my glasses, huh?
I’m 50. Putting me on his back, so I hopped on. We got to the nurse’s and she patched me up and sent me off. It hurt for the rest of the time, but that’s okay.
Everything is fine. Wounds heal back stronger, right? That’s right. That’s what they say.
And then, about a year later, about two days ago, I was filling up our hot tub and it was about full. I ran across a patch of rocks to turn the water off. Of course you did, you dummy. I did.
It was like stepping on Legos, but nothing major, just rocks. I turned off the water and ran back to the tub and put the cover back on. I looked at the ground and saw that the puddle of my right foot was turning a little red. I looked at the bottom of my foot and…
Stop! Don’t read that. Just don’t read that. There’s no need.
I’m gonna read it. No! No! We got we got audience participation.
They’re telling me to read it. It’s not that gross, but it’s pretty gross. The nurse in the audience said it’s not gross. They don’t care.
They like placentas. They’re so fine with those things just slopping out in a bowl. Okay. It’s natural.
It’s natural. I’ll describe this for you,Jabes. As Wes puts it,it had split open along the year old scar. It’s like it unzipped.
It’s bleeding bad. Just something sliced it. Just threw the skin into the meat. My hands are numb.
Panic mode set in. I’m getting a cold sweat. Yeah. I ran back to the house and got my parents to wrap it in a bandage.
You shouldn’t have run. I did because panic mode set in. Oh, that’s true. Okay.
I was bleeding bad. Thanks for being interactive, Wes. It’s all good now. You’re welcome, James.
I might sound like this. I don’t know. It’s all good now. Just a scab and I limp everywhere.
I feel like it’s gonna heal. I feel like it’s gonna heal back into a ziploc bag. Oh no! Like last time, ready to pop back open at the slightest thing.
It’s so nasty, but it’s true. My heal is a ziploc bag, James. And Wes didn’t say this, but I’ll say it for him. I hope it makes it on the show.
Oh! There we go. You got a ding. Yeah.
See, Wes, that’s why you have to take the rocks out before you let it scab over. It works. Yeah. Yeah.
Maybe there’s a crawfish in there. Little baby, I just want to get out, please. The second one happened at a hot tub or something. Yeah, he was at his hot tub.
He was walking on Legos. No, he walked on the rocks and he said it felt like Legos. Thanks. Thanks for pointing that out.
I have to be accurate, Captain Obvious. The story was here. Yeah. Wes, we apologize for the way John read that.
He did the best he could. He’s an old man. Okay. All right.
So this one’s from Zach from Columbine. Hopefully not that one. It is called Body Bag. It’s a little dark.
I don’t even know what that means. That was so bad. You got groans from the audience when you said that. I know.
It was like I have kicked off Sean Hannity or something, you know? Anyway, Fox News was like, oh yeah, that’s too far. My wife has sent in a couple of stories that have been read, so I figured it was my time to throw one in. So back in 2011, I was helping my dad remodel his dining room and was cutting pieces of beadboard paneling for the walls.
There was one piece left that had to be trimmed to finish the whole wall, so I brought it out of the garage to the table saw. Just about as the piece was about to cut, the blade must have hit a knot, which sucked the board back into me and therefore my hand that was getting ready to grab the end of the board as well. The next thing I know, I took, looked down and my thumb was not where it used to be. No, stop it.
So it just went like, that’s what it did. It just, it just hit that, that saw blade and went boink. Yep. Oh, my whole thing reset.
Here we go. This can’t be a real story. It is a real story. His thumb was not where it used to be.
So I go to the house as calm as I can and I tell my dad and his friend that was over helping that I needed to go to the hospital because I cut my thumb off. They started laughing like I was joking until I threw my hand up. And that’s when the shock and panic hit them as I tell my dad he needs to drive because I can’t because he can’t grip the wheel, right? He doesn’t have an opposing thumb anymore.
As I’m walking to my truck, I tell my dad that I now have a paw. No, he didn’t. He didn’t do that. He asked for somebody to pick up his thumb which happened to be on the floor inches away from my dog.
Huh? No way. Yeah, and he was trying to get it for himself. Well, the hospital tells me they cannot reattach it.
So in my drugged up state from pain meds, I asked the doctor what he was going to do with it, which he tells me probably just throw it away, which prompted me to ask if I could keep it. being That Story Show Have you seen that logo? Yeah. A lot.
It’s the red one with the circles and it looks like it was a nice little logo and then it just turned evil. It’s made out of sharp pieces. You know what I’m saying? Uh-huh.
Yeah. So that was on a bag with his thumb in it. In a freezer. In a freezer.
Right next to the otter pops. And the heavenly hash ice cream. Yeah. Yeah.
So one day I go over and it’s not there. So I asked my dad, did you throw it away? And a shocked look comes over his face. He says, Oh, you know what?
He happened to donate a box of deer meat from the freezer to the rescue mission. So the next day at work, I get called up front for a phone call. And when I answered, it was a detective with the police department. That Story Show And then he asked if I wanted to come get it.
I said, sure. And I told my dad to go get it since he was the one that had donated it. It came home inside the original biohazard bag, though it had thawed out some. Inside was a police evidence bag inside of a brown paper bag.
I wrote on the paper bag, do not donate my body parts. Thanks James and John. Hope it makes it on the show. Wow.
Zach. Zach from Columbine. That’s one of the wildest stories we’ve ever had. I’m glad it was his thumb.
Well, yeah. That’s a good thing. I mean, that’s terrible. That’s a good thing.
That’s a thumb. Yeah, but table saws are dangerous. They are dangerous. have a I have some woodworking friends and so like when that saw stop goes off you have to replace like the whole unit.
Yeah, the whole thing. It’s like $200. It’s expensive. And he was cutting something and something that he touched, he touched the side of the blade somehow.
Yeah, it made a contact. It made a contact and that thing stopped right away. Right away. He had to get rid of it.
That Story Show that little key blade is going to come down on top of your finger and it’s going to snap the end off. Only if you do that intentionally and fast. Yeah, I think if you, but anybody can drag a hot dog slowly into a saw blade, but if you are pushing wood through there and your thumbs full on, it’s going to make 3-2-1 contact. Maybe.
Yeah. Just enough to remind you that you’re glad that you bought the SawStop, not the sponsor. No, because we don’t believe in your product. That’s true.
All right, guys and gals, that is it. This podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon. Supporting listeners get ad-free listening swag and a weekly bonus podcast. Try it out free for seven days at support.thatstoryshow.com.
Special thanks to our producers, James Spangler, Kerry Wright, and Christopher Tynan. and thanks Jamie Good for supporting the show. We need your story. Submit your story today at thatstoryshow.com.
Click on submit a story and fill out the form. It’s great. Leave a return, leave a review on iTunes or Spotify. And guys and gals, remember when something weird, annoying or embarrassing happens to you, don’t get depressed, don’t get stressed.
Just think, hey, this belongs on that story show. We’ll see you guys next week. My name is Zach. I’m from Columbine.
My table saw took up my thaw, but I’m feeling fine. I meant my thumb of course I’m dumb I don’t mean to say the wrong thing the saw stub didn’t work so I had my dad tell me that you need to put me in a sling because my thumb was taken away and that’s the only thing I want to say and now I’m rapping like it’s 1988 and that’s alright because me and my dad did not get into a fight when i told him my thumb was gone and the tip had fallen off he said make sure the dog don’t get it because he will cough and he will puke it right up and they won’t be able to reattach it i took it from the dog yes i really did snatch it and i took it Review That Story my dad put gave it away in a donation box he gave it away with a
bunch of nasty socks and they gave it back from a detective and that’s why it’s not connected i don’t know that’s the best we could do thank you so much for your support oh we’ll see you guys next time bye