00:00 – 00:08
This is that story show where farts are funny. Hey, podcast people. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison.
00:09 – 00:20
And I am John Steinklauber. Holy crap. Welcome to That Story Show, a clean comedy podcast where we share your hilarious real life stories. Jon, what’s the most reliable part of your body?
00:22 – 00:33
The most reliable part? I’ll put some thought into it because You know, some things work automatically, you know. I would say my heart. Yeah.
00:33 – 00:43
Maybe your lungs, your brain sometimes. Is there really an unreliable part of your body because of parts that working all the time? You don’t think about it or? Yeah.
00:43 – 00:57
My butt’s kind of ungainly, you know, like sometimes it works for you. Yeah. But not always at the time I would choose. So I ask you again, what is the most reliable part of your body?
00:57 – 01:04
Your fingers? Because you can always count on them. Yeah. Yeah.
01:05 – 01:12
Yeah. That was good. You got me, man. You can always count on them.
01:12 – 01:23
Always. Unless you don’t have some. We do have a listener that chopped his right to freak off, two of them. And he can only get to like eight and a half and then he’s done.
01:23 – 01:32
Eight and three quarters, I want to say. Because he had different versions. He had like one knuckle and then the second one was like two knuckles. Yeah.
01:32 – 01:37
So. Bless him. God bless him. but I’m sure it’s making his day that we’re talking about it.
01:37 – 01:47
So don’t send me any hate mail, send it. If you do have hate mail though, my email address is john at that story show.com. I’m the voice of John. Yeah.
01:47 – 02:02
And I’m the voice of James and you all are butt faces. Oh, we always start with an opening story. This is from Mitchell from Meridian, Mississippi. What is MS?
02:03 – 02:15
Mississippi. Okay. Other than something we raise funds for, um, Hey, James and John love the podcast. Uh, me and my dad had been on a three day trip when we got back and my dad decided to take the dog out.
02:17 – 02:33
Now we know. Now we know who let the dogs out. While I went to the bathroom, after a few minutes, there was a knock on the front door. The thing is, our door has the nasty habit of recently not closing all the way, so I had locked the door to make sure it wouldn’t open.
02:34 – 02:48
Only I had the keys and my dad was stuck outside, so I was still in the toilet. I had to hobble my butt out of the bathroom. to the front door and unlock the door. Hope it makes it on the show.
02:48 – 02:56
You know, I would never risk that, John. Yeah, I would be like, you can wait. You never know. I haven’t done the paperwork yet.
02:56 – 03:05
Yeah. Okay. So let me ask you this. Um, maybe this is too personal and maybe we shouldn’t get into this on the show, but, um, okay.
03:05 – 03:20
Ever since I got skinny from my surgery and stuff, uh, I pooped differently. Uh, it, it, it’s, uh, I would say it’s more of a regular thing. Um, it’s not as painful. Oh, um, yeah.
03:20 – 03:35
And, uh, it, it, it doesn’t always let go. Oh. At least that’s been my situation is I feel like it does, you know, a nice clean poop, right? Right.
03:35 – 03:45
And like, you feel like you don’t even have to wipe that kind of just, it didn’t even touch. I can’t remember the last time that happened. But it’s happened for you. I’m sure at least once.
03:45 – 03:59
I mean, like when you were a kid, it was, it was teenager. Maybe. Wonderful. Well, I thought I was in that situation earlier this week and I reached back with that paper and oh my gosh, I think I grabbed a handful of my own feces.
04:00 – 04:11
It was just clicking. It was like a stalactite. Isn’t that the ones that stick to the ceiling? Cause they say a stalagmite grows, might reach the ceiling.
04:11 – 04:27
A stalactite sticks tight to the ceiling. That’s what they say when you go on a cave tour. So yeah, I had a stalactite going on and I didn’t know. And, um, I, I bought a glove, um, I did.
04:27 – 04:48
It’s a, it’s a golf glove. And, uh, it was like six bucks on Amazon and I hot glued, um, some Velcro to it. And, uh, I stick, I stick paper on it and my fingers are still dexterous enough. I can just reach up there and get that middle finger scraped right across that crack.
04:49 – 05:08
And, um, I don’t know what to say. Just call me a liar and let’s move on with the show because all that’s bullcrap except for the stalactites. You had me at bathroom. Oh, let’s do a couple of announcements, John.
05:08 – 05:15
NarthEx 0.5 is this Saturday. It’s not this Saturday. It is coming up June 28th. It’s Saturday.
05:16 – 05:26
And you know what? I got to say, I’m excited about who’s coming, but there’s not enough of you coming. You need to sign up at narthexcon.com. It’s 4 to 6 Eastern.
05:26 – 05:34
It’s right outside of Atlanta, Georgia. It is free, but you need to register. Don’t wait to the last minute. We want to prep for you.
05:34 – 05:42
We want to take care of you. We want to know you’re coming. narthexcon.com for more info and to register. Again, it’s free.
05:42 – 05:49
John and I will be there. We’ll be recording a show. We’ll be doing trivia and giveaways. You will miss out.
05:49 – 05:55
Everybody’s been hollering. You need to come out to the east. You need to come out here. You need to come out here.
05:55 – 06:11
And then, you know, we’ve got quite a few. But you’ve got to follow through with your end of the bargain or we won’t do it again. We’ll do the one that we do in St. Louis or wherever I happen to live at the time.
06:12 – 06:23
Whatever’s easiest for me, really. And see, I think the middle of the country is pretty fair for everyone. Everybody travels the same distance, you know? Sure.
06:23 – 06:27
Yeah. This is a South Southern version. Yeah. Yeah.
06:27 – 06:37
We wanted to try. Anyway, this week we have a special prize. It is a Mr. Beast lab swarms. I don’t know what it is, but it’s, it’s a test tube and it has slime in it.
06:38 – 06:56
And I think there’s a creature in there and it’s from Mr. Beast. So that makes it awesome automatically. So somebody is going to get that too. You know, nobody has claimed any of the prizes that we give away except for one kid and I owe him this and he has been waiting two months and I still haven’t sent it to him.
06:58 – 07:04
Sorry. But yeah. And, and I got Fortnite E-bucks. I don’t even know if that’s still a thing anymore.
07:05 – 07:11
It is. I play. I don’t play it, but I, I play. You started the sentence with, I play.
07:11 – 07:28
I, well, I, what I was going to say is I play Minecraft with some kids that will jump off Minecraft to go play Fortnite. So. Well, I’m in a children’s ministry with first and second graders that will get off Minecraft to play Roblox. Why?
07:28 – 07:41
So they can deliver pizza and make money for no reason at all. I’m not going to lie. Those are fun games. I’ve never played them, but it sounds like anybody can make a game.
07:41 – 07:45
Yep. Anybody can make a game. It’s pretty sweet. It’s pretty dang sweet.
07:45 – 07:56
All right. Um, let’s, uh, let’s rewind the week. We, my sound effects aren’t working. So let me just be like, okay.
07:56 – 08:06
Rewinding. Yeah. All right. So, uh, rewinding the week is when we take, uh, the last week or so and think of something funny that happened and share it with you.
08:06 – 08:18
But since it’s been like a month, um, You know, this may not have happened this week, but it did. It happened some week. It happened a week. It honestly did happen this week.
08:21 – 08:31
I work at a place that creates equipment for screen printing and digital printing. It’s pretty freaking cool. I do their website. I make product videos.
08:32 – 08:36
They’re on YouTube. They’re awesome too. Thank you. They’re like really entertaining.
08:36 – 08:44
They’re fun. If you haven’t seen them yet, you need to. Yeah. That’s my goal is to make videos that people that aren’t even in the industry would enjoy watching.
08:45 – 08:52
Like, it’s the Vat19 of screen printing. Yeah, I would say that. It is. That’s nice.
08:52 – 09:05
That’s nice of you. So anyway, I work upstairs and the bathroom is downstairs. Cause that’s where all the real people work. All the people that sweat and get cut, you know, that do the real work.
09:05 – 09:24
I’m up there, you know, hacking away on a computer, but I’m old and I’m trying to hurry. And, uh, my knee spazzes out about halfway down and it hurts so bad that I can’t move it. And I’m stuck. So that’s not the part that’s crazy.
09:24 – 09:51
The part that’s crazy is, do you know the process of going to pee? Like when you have to go there, there’s a phase where you can just hold it and you could hold it for an hour. You could have a meeting, you could drive, you know, and, and whole drive and hold it for an hour. But when you finally get within 20 feet of a bathroom, I don’t know what happens, but something in you, lets the pressure off.
09:52 – 10:03
It’s like, I’m about to be letting it go. Let’s start. And there’s no coming back from that. You have to release it because you eventually was turning to a Tyler and start dancing.
10:04 – 10:22
Like I’m not gonna make it. I got to unzip, you know, but I was in that process. On the stairs, something had released the pressure, unkinked the hose, and I couldn’t move. And I’m like, all this is going through my mind at one time.
10:22 – 10:29
I’m playing out everything. I’m like, you could call for help. No, you can’t. You’re a grown man.
10:30 – 10:41
Secondly, you could stay in here until you’re your knee goes back right. I’m like, there’s no guarantee. I’m going to pee myself. And then if I do pee myself, my boss will probably be the first one that sees me.
10:41 – 10:59
I will have to walk somehow through the floor where all these real men work. And I will be the guy that freaking peed his pants forever. And there was no options other than those two. So I remembered a part of Lost.
10:59 – 11:19
Do you remember that show Lost where the guys were on the island? JJ Abrams. Yeah. I don’t remember the name of the guy who was, um, from another country, but Saeed or something like that, I think his name was, but he one time in the show fell quite a ways and got the wind knocked out of him.
11:20 – 11:42
And then he got nauseous, but he still got up and he got out of the hole. And I just remember to this day, I was like, I don’t think I could accomplish that. that feed, you know, because, because I thought I could. And then later in my life, like I got really nauseous and I’m like, I could never run away from a bad guy.
11:42 – 11:56
If I was severely nauseous, I couldn’t do it. I had to lay down on the ground and get my head chopped off or whatever. And I’m like, how? And then you see in movies where people get shot in the arm and they just kind of shrug it off and then they shoot the other dude.
11:56 – 12:11
I just saw a John Wick clip that was exactly like that. He got shot in the shoulder and then got up and shot the other guy. And so I decided this was my moment. And I figured out a way.
12:11 – 12:53
I stuck my right foot out, the bad knee, like I was making a number four, like the top of a number four, straight leg, angled leg, okay? And I knelt down with the good leg and pivoted off the other one and bounced my way down the stairs, knee hurting, every jump was a potential accident. you know, a few drips out of the hose kind of thing. And I, I kept thinking of Saeed from Lost and I’m like, he would be so proud of me now, you know, and then something exploded behind me, but I didn’t turn around and look, I just kept pivoting.
12:55 – 13:00
Okay, hold on. Something’s going really wrong. It’s raining. It is?
13:00 – 13:05
Yeah. It is insanely loud. It is. Yeah, it is.
13:05 – 13:12
It’s a metal building. And let me see what the radar says. I’m sorry. No, it’s fine.
13:12 – 13:23
Let me, let me just go ahead and let me mark it and then I’ll finish and then we can figure out what we’re going to do. Um, so anyway, it’s raining on John’s end. So if you hear some stuff, no big deal. Uh, so I made it to the toilet.
13:23 – 13:33
Bless God. It’s, it’s a long drowned out story. Uh, and my knee still didn’t quite work right, but I made it, I freaking made it. By the time I got there, I had to go so bad.
13:33 – 13:44
I punched a hole through the back of the porcelain. I’m telling you. So, but I freaking made it. It’s just part of getting old.
13:44 – 14:03
We’ve been asking on the last few shows, when do you know you’re old? And I think almost peeing yourself, you know, is definitely, like, I literally thought if I had to depend on right now, I’d have nothing to worry about. But can you trust those things? You know, how much pee do they hold?
14:04 – 14:23
Astronauts wear them when they go into space. But I would be afraid that if I trusted in it, Would it let me down? Would, would I still get a double weird, you know, on either side of the inside of my crotch kind of like, why didn’t it get wet in the middle? Why is it just on the sides?
14:24 – 14:29
Cause he’s wearing a freaking diaper, you know? I don’t know. I mean, I think it’s in the name. Depends.
14:31 – 14:40
Depends on how much you pee. Yeah All right We got rain galore. We’re gonna see what we can do. We’ll be right back All right.
14:40 – 15:06
So that was my weekly update. It’s an overtold story I I really tried to make something that wasn’t that exciting exciting. So I I hope you enjoyed it john Yeah, it’s just a day in the life of an old man with a weird knee Have you ever um noticed that like your internal system like your bladder and your Other side, I don’t even know what to call it. It’s like, it’s got a GPS built into it.
15:06 – 15:09
Are you talking about the anus, John? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
15:10 – 15:19
Your rectum. It has a GPS? It does. Cause like, like you said, the closer you get to the place that you’re expecting to go.
15:19 – 15:24
Yeah. The looser you get. Right. It’s like, I’d be driving for hours.
15:24 – 15:33
Like I need to, you know, go to the bathroom. And like, soon as my body gets onto my street, it just like, Yeah. Oh, it knows. I really gotta go.
15:33 – 15:37
Yeah, you’re right. You’re right. It’s weird. It’s got 360 on it.
15:38 – 15:42
You know, you know that app? Yep. Yeah. It does.
15:43 – 15:48
It’s like you’re approaching your home, you know? We’re tracking your progress. Who told? Yeah.
15:49 – 15:56
It’s time for you to start running. Time for you to start. Man, this morning, I don’t even want to talk about it. This morning, I was trying to fart.
15:57 – 16:23
At church? No, no. It was this morning before church, because ever since I’ve got my surgery, life is just managing gas like burps and farts. It’s like my whole tube is from my throat to my butthole is filled with air, like like like a guy at Applebee’s blowing up a balloon.
16:24 – 16:37
That’s what I feel like my intestines, my stomach and my esophagus are. It’s just, you know, how they fill them up. and then bend them into shapes. Yeah.
16:37 – 16:49
I feel like that’s me and my intestines. So yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know. So when I swallow things, the, it takes up air and the air comes up and my wife has come to expect it.
16:49 – 17:08
And I try to burp silently, but sometimes it’s accidentally and it’s, it’s a little embarrassing. You do what you gotta do. I don’t know how you are, but we’re, we’re a kind of a private couple. Like we don’t, we don’t pee in the same bathroom at the same time, you know, or that’s kind of impossible.
17:08 – 17:24
Well, you know what I mean though? Like she, she’s doing, if she’s doing her makeup and I will have to pee, she leaves the room, you know? And yet I’ve got a sister and brother-in-law that they will poop, you know, not together. We’re not like that.
17:24 – 17:36
No, I’m not either. So anyway, what do you have? What do you got, John? Well, I’ve got a lot because sometimes, but this is something notable.
17:37 – 18:04
We’re at the season right now where we’re trying to pack up the school year and stuff, the school I work for. And we’re trying to just get everybody and get the seniors out the door, get all these end of year programs and stuff. So the next two weeks are going to be The last four weeks have just been insane. But I had a teacher ask me the other day.
18:04 – 18:24
She’s like, my printer – it’s always printers when you’re working in IT. Printers are the bane of our existence. They’re just printers because there’s always problems with them. But she’s like, hey, my printer stopped working and she just couldn’t do it.
18:24 – 18:36
She couldn’t print. I said, well, have you tried removing the printer and then putting it back? She gave me this really weird look. You probably had her brain explode at that point.
18:36 – 18:55
Yeah. She was like, I can try that, but I don’t really understand how that would fix it. Because what she heard me say was pick the printer up, take it out of your room, and then bring it back into the room and it’ll work again. I said, oh no, no, that’s not what we do.
18:55 – 19:05
We just need to remove it from your computer, from your print. Just separate them, just separate them. Put them in timeout. Timeout, yeah.
19:06 – 19:21
So explain what that means for the people that are going, that’s what I thought he meant too. Really? Yeah. Cause I know what you mean, but 85% of our listeners have no idea what you, what you mean.
19:21 – 19:32
I guarantee you. So just removing printer from your, your operating system. So you like, if you’re on a Mac, you go under your printers and then just delete the printer off your computer and then add it back. Yeah.
19:33 – 19:41
Under Windows, it’s probably the same process. Yeah. Yeah. We, we have devices and you right click and uninstall.
19:41 – 19:52
And when it, when you reboot typically, and then it automatically detects it and installs drivers. Yeah. You don’t take it out of the room. No, you don’t ever have to do that.
19:53 – 19:58
No. Not unless you just really feel like it. Yeah. So what happened?
19:58 – 20:14
Well, once she understood what I was saying, she got really embarrassed and laughed. And I think she’s actually listened to our show. Hey, we love you. We think you’re awesome.
20:14 – 20:19
You’re not stupid. No, you’re not. You were. You were stupid, but now you’re not.
20:22 – 20:35
After she hears this, she may not be my friend anymore. You need as many friends as you can get, John. I know, I’ve only got like one or three. Oh, anyway, thank you for that.
20:35 – 20:42
I appreciate it. Let’s review. Let’s do a review brought to you by Podgagement.com. Thank you, says Emmett.
20:42 – 20:53
I love this podcast so much. I think it’s great to show people that you can be funny without being inappropriate. Well, I did say butthole earlier. Thank you so much, James and John, for making such a great podcast.
20:53 – 20:58
P.S. Lemons, lemons. Thanks, Emmett. Please leave us a review on iTunes or Spotify.
20:58 – 21:09
It makes us really happy and it helps the show. Review.thatstorieshow.com and that’ll get you where you need to go. I want to share a song with you that I found on TikTok. It’s by a guy named John Ryan.
21:09 – 21:13
And John, this is for you. For me? Especially for you. Are you ready?
21:14 – 21:17
Yeah. It’s not a song. It’s not a song. It’s not a song.
21:17 – 21:22
I have a song next week. I forgot. I got mixed up. But anyway, it’s about your favorite topic.
21:22 – 21:33
Here we go. I don’t think farts are funny, but everyone else in the world, I guess, thinks they’re funny. I can tell you why farts are funny. Farts don’t need a setup or a punchline.
21:34 – 21:45
They just need a quiet room and a brave soul. Farts aren’t Republican or Democrat. Congress can’t agree on one thing, but they all rip ass. Maybe it’s because we never grow out of it.
21:45 – 21:57
You’re in a yoga class and someone lets one go. You laugh, and if you don’t, You’re lying to yourself and God. Maybe it’s because they’re so unpredictable. There’s so many factors.
21:58 – 22:13
Pants you’re wearing, the chair you’re in, core strength. You don’t know if it’s going to be a quiet whisper, loud trumpet, gunshot in a quiet town. You have no idea. It’s our own private joke to ourselves.
22:14 – 22:21
You’re alone. You fart. You laugh. You think to yourself, I am hilarious.
22:22 – 22:41
You see, farts aren’t female or male or anything in between. It’s the joke we’re all in on. You see, in a world of war, heartbreak, overdue rent, sometimes all you have left is your own butt percussion trying to make you laugh. They’re a little bit Democrat.
22:45 – 22:53
It’s just to set that video up a little bit. The guy is on a, like a, he’s in a, um. Psychiatric office. Yeah.
22:53 – 22:57
Yeah. He’s being, being, he’s in a session. Having his head shrunk. Yeah.
22:57 – 23:13
Laying on the couch and he’s talking to me and it’s the doctor that’s giving him all this stuff. And then he ends up, the guy on the couch ends up by, he’s a little bit Democrat. I don’t know what that means, but it’s true. You can bring politics into anything, is what that is.
23:13 – 23:23
All right. Without our sound effects, I feel kind of like I’m podcasting naked, but we’re going to do our featured stories. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun.
23:23 – 23:33
Let me tell y’all a story. This is from Marcella in Reno, Nevada. I think I have that right. Howdy, James and John.
23:33 – 23:44
I work in a warehouse and I’m kind of in charge of the dock. Doing the inbound and outbound. About a month ago, I was training a youngling how to ship a truck. Sweet.
23:45 – 23:59
We went outside on the dock so we could open the truck and load it. In the shade of one of the trailers that was parked, there was some slushy snow that we had walked through. And at the end of that trailer, the sun was shining and the snow had melted, or so we thought. Dun, dun, dun.
24:00 – 24:17
Even though the sun was shining and it was about 9 30 in the morning, it was still only about 25 degrees out. As soon as both of us stepped on what we thought was water, we looked at each other and said, be careful of the ice. No sooner had the words come out of my mouth when both feet were up in the air and I had landed hard. Oh no.
24:18 – 24:24
Where your butt and your back become one. Oh, that’s the worst. I don’t even know. Is that a coccyx?
24:24 – 24:37
I know that’s the little tailbone is the coccyx, but the, where your butt and your back become more like the small of your back right there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a bone that looks like a triangle with holes in it? Yeah, I guess so.
24:37 – 24:44
I think that’s the coccyx. Okay. Anyway, the rest of my back… I was thinking more on the external side of the…
24:44 – 25:04
Oh, okay. Well, I was thinking bones because ever since I had my fat guy surgery, My bones have become an issue. Like when I sit on a metal chair or like the, what are the chairs that you go to a football game and say, bleachers. Oh, the bleachers, yeah.
25:04 – 25:17
And I sit upright, my bones touch. The dadgum metal, and it’s terrible. Your tuberosities? I used to have some padding, and I don’t anymore.
25:17 – 25:24
But anyway, be careful of the ice. What? Your Malumba cookies. That’s the butt bones.
25:25 – 25:31
Oh, really? No, not really, but that’s my mom used to call them. Malumba cookies? Malumba cookies.
25:32 – 25:46
I never knew I had them until recently. So she says, uh, she landed there on that part of her back that we can’t agree on. And then the rest of her back came down and I hit my shoulders to see, she’s talking about bones right there. Yeah, that’s true.
25:46 – 25:55
She’s talking about shoulder blades and crap. That’s pain. I laid there for a good 30 seconds, and that’s when people start asking you, are you okay? Yeah, I’m fine.
25:55 – 26:02
I’m fine. Just don’t touch me. I’m possibly broken, but I’m fine, you know? Just don’t pay any attention to me.
26:03 – 26:07
Just leave me alone. Pretend you didn’t see that. That’s the worst part of this right now. Ow, ow, ow.
26:08 – 26:14
And I was looking up at the kid who was with me. He had a panicked look in his face like, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
26:14 – 26:31
And I was finally able to kind of roll on my side and he helped me to stand up. And at that point, my brain went right back to work. I had to get that truck and the stuff that we ship, it’s time sensitive because it’s a refrigerated product. So working was still in my brain.
26:31 – 26:54
So as I started limping over to the truck to look at the temperature and talk to the driver, I also got on the radio and asked maintenance to bring some ice melt out to the dock because we had a slip and fall. I didn’t mention it was me. So as soon as that went out, the supervisors get on the radio and start asking if everyone’s okay. And Ever the Joker, I said, oh yeah, just an old lady slipped and fell on the ice, kind of laughing.
26:54 – 27:11
And the supervisors came out of the dock and someone else started helping the kid finish shipping the truck. They were checking me to see if I was okay. And at first I wasn’t sure if I was hurt or if I was injured. I told them that I was going to try to walk it off, but with an hour, I couldn’t stand up unassisted.
27:13 – 27:29
They took me to the occupational urgent care where they did x-rays, exercises, and nothing was broken, but they gave me a cane to start walking with. Dude, I can’t wait. I’m going to get a cane as soon as possible. But anyway, it’s another story.
27:31 – 27:36
with bells on it. No, what the heck? Why would I have bells? So that people can know when you’re arriving.
27:36 – 27:46
Oh my gosh, just put a balloon on my back. That way you’ll know. Anyway, they did x-rays, nothing was broken. And they put me with a restricted workload.
27:46 – 27:51
I’ve been going to PT. What is PT? Physical therapy. Therapy.
27:51 – 28:13
And I’m not using the cane as much now. But I still walk slow, struggling going up the stairs, and I have to use the cane for the second half of the day at work because I start hurting again. The part I’m most upset about is the fact that a few months back we had celebrated five years without a work injury, and I went and wiped out all the days. We had almost 2,000.
28:14 – 28:18
with one slip on the ice. Painful? Yes. Embarrassing?
28:18 – 28:24
Yes. Put it on that story show? Heck yes. Thanks for everything, Marcella from Reno.
28:24 – 28:32
P.S. I know you said you wanted stories from young ladies this week, but you got a story from an old lady walking with the cane. Hey! We love it.
28:33 – 28:38
Story’s a story. I can’t wait till I get a cane though. Let me talk about Alabama. I’m not talking about a candy cane either.
28:38 – 28:59
I want like a slick cane, not a hook at the top. I want something, not, not a snake, not anything weird, but I want something almost hand carved in the shape of my inner, you know, the inner part of my hand. OK, yep. That I could grip it.
29:00 – 29:08
And grip it with your hand? Yeah, maybe I even carve it myself. No, not like Moses. No, I said Gandalf.
29:09 – 29:23
Oh, and I don’t want a staff. Well, that’d be awesomer. And you’re not wrong, but I want a cane and I really want to exaggerate it. I want to be like leaning on that joker, like I’ve got a missing leg.
29:25 – 29:31
You know what I’m saying? I want a Charlie Chaplin cane. Yeah, where you don’t even use it. Just swing it around like Charlie Chaplin did.
29:32 – 29:46
You know him and only one other person had that mustache in all of history. I think he had that mustache to kind of make fun of the other guy. Do you really though? I thought he came first.
29:47 – 29:57
Well, here’s a dealio. There really is a deal. Yeah. So the reason why they cut the edges of their mustaches off was for the gas mass.
29:59 – 30:10
Because if you have a mustache on those particular gas masks, it wouldn’t seal. It wouldn’t seal, yeah. So they would cut the sides of their mustaches off. So it was kind of a thing.
30:11 – 30:20
Really? It wasn’t like a dictator fashion statement. It was just kind of a thing. But Chaplin and Hitler, two extremes.
30:21 – 30:40
And I guarantee you, were you to style one today, They would not go, oh, look at the Charlie Chaplin influence that he’s had on his life. And rightly so, obviously, you shouldn’t do it. But I don’t think I could pull it off. Look at my face.
30:40 – 30:52
I have a part. I mean, literally, you can see upper lip between the two sides of my mustache. You look like you had two mustaches. You could do it, you racist.
30:52 – 31:04
You could do it. Look at your freaking racist mustache. I’m not saying that I haven’t done it before, but. It’s not trimmed, but you could, you have a full brush handle, you know, the whole thing.
31:04 – 31:20
I’m sure there’s a name for that kind of mustache. It’s probably a Hitler stache that’s wide, a wide hit. a wide Hitler, like you’re more racist than Hitler because of that width. But at least it’s not black.
31:20 – 31:34
No, it is great, but a little just for men would take care of that. You could let what’s inside out. So anyway, let’s read the next story before you have a chance to back paddle off all my racism I just spouted at you. Thank you.
31:36 – 31:50
This is my story from Colleen. Says, Dear James and John, so this happened back in 1982. Yes, I’m that old, she says. There’s a local festival in the fall here in Ohio that includes a parade.
31:51 – 32:02
Yay. Back in the day, I had the most beautiful Arabian horse. Nice. He was black with a white blaze and socks.
32:03 – 32:16
I guess for horse people, they would know exactly what that means. I’m guessing it’s just like the horse looked like he had white socks on. Yeah, just like near his hooves. Hoovesies.
32:17 – 32:30
If you’re familiar with Arabians, you know they move with such majesty and flair. And he had it all. Are you familiar? And put on an exquisite show when he was in a parade.
32:30 – 32:53
A fancy horse. We were waiting our turn to go through, and my horse was stomping and tossing his head, looking like the black stallion in the movie. A man and his wife were also waiting to go through the parade, noticed my gorgeous pet, and came over to comment on his magnificence. This was no ordinary man.
32:53 – 33:08
This was Bob McEwan. Okay, this story is full of references that I know nothing about. I don’t know what socks are, I’m not familiar with Arabian horses, and I don’t know who Mark McEwen is. Do you?
33:08 – 33:22
Bob McEwen is a member of the House of Representatives in 1982. Okay, I’m glad I didn’t know that, actually. He’s a politician, James. Him and his wife were on the campaign trail.
33:23 – 33:42
I only know who Bob McKeown is because Colleen put it in the story. All right, so they were, he’s a member of the House of Representatives and he and his wife were on the campaign trail. They were dressed in matching light yellow sweaters. You’re not supposed to do that, even in the 80s.
33:44 – 34:03
I thought everybody was matching in the 80s. I don’t think it should have been if it was. I agree. You know, moms and daughters can do it, you know, but, but, but husbands and wives, like, like the wife bought too much material and says, I’ll make him a vest out of my dress material.
34:03 – 34:17
That’s just not. Or a tie, a tie out of the dress material. Yeah. I would rather do that than wear a shirt that looked like the dress or a shirt and pants that look like the dress.
34:18 – 34:31
People did it though, dude. 70s. I had a girlfriend once in the 90s. She made me wear a matching outfit with her.
34:32 – 34:46
I felt so controlled. Do you have to wear the same bra? How far did it go? Did everything fit in those panties?
34:47 – 34:53
Oh, man. What does that mean? I don’t know. I don’t understand either.
34:53 – 35:02
Let me get back to the story. Okay, from my perch on top of my… Oh, I’m… Okay, sorry.
35:03 – 35:21
The guy, Bob, and his wife, they asked if they could pet my horse. From my perch on top of my horse, I said, certainly. Just as they came close to Petty’s nose, my horse let out a huge sneeze. And dark snot covered the couple’s matching sweater.
35:23 – 35:31
It’s a political statement. I’m sure of it. I’m allergic to politics, is what the horse was saying. Yeah, yeah.
35:32 – 35:40
I was horrified. They were very gracious about it as they tried to dab boogers. Well, they were still matching, right? Still matching, yeah.
35:41 – 35:47
Nobody knows it’s horse snot. That horse was liberal, by the way. I just want to let you know. I looked him up.
35:48 – 35:57
Bob McGowan was a Republican Party politician, so. Oh, okay. So the horse was liberal. It was a liberal horse.
35:57 – 36:13
It was like, I’m going to sneeze on your matching shirts, your matching sweaters. Oh. And anyways, Colleen continues, I was horrified. They were very gracious about it as they tried to dab the boogers off himself.
36:13 – 36:24
I always hoped he would make it to the White House so I could say my horse snotted on the president. That would have been a good story, Colleen. Yeah. That would have been a better story.
36:24 – 36:36
It’s just as good without them ever being presidential. No, you’re too nice. Colleen, if I could play the retail harp sound right now. I got a piano in here.
36:36 – 36:50
You want me to hit some keys? Try it. Gosh, that sounds like Mr. Rogers’ smoking crack. No, I’ll leave it.
36:50 – 37:05
I’ll leave it the way it was. It was good, but yeah, it would have been better if it had been a winner, you know, but no, that’s terrible. I didn’t even know horses sneezed. First of all, I knew nothing about this story.
37:05 – 37:13
I didn’t know the dude. I don’t know what Arabian horses look like. I don’t know what makes them special. I kind of figured out from context what socks are.
37:13 – 37:24
I didn’t know the guy. I don’t know really what the house of representatives do. It’s part of the, uh, one of the branches of our government. Oh, I know.
37:24 – 37:35
I just don’t care. And then I didn’t know horses sneezed and I definitely know, didn’t know that they had dark snot. I didn’t either. I don’t know what that horse was smelling, but.
37:35 – 37:47
That’s gross. That’s really gross, but amazing. That was my favorite part of the story is that their freaking nasty little matching sweaters got really for real nasty. It was the 80s.
37:49 – 38:02
Okay, can I admit something? Yes. In the late 80s, early 90s, me and my wife, to be, got matching cross colors hoodies. Ooh.
38:02 – 38:12
Cross colors. Cross colors. Yeah, so they were gold, green, magenta, or not magenta, a dark red. What is that?
38:13 – 38:22
Starts with a B. Anyway, and then black. So they were very colorful. And I loved cross color stuff.
38:22 – 38:35
I’d wear the t shirts and all that stuff. And the Yeah. And, and somebody took a picture of us playing turtles, the four color or the four player turtles. You remember there was the Simpsons and then there was Ninja turtles.
38:35 – 38:38
Oh yeah. Yeah. Four player, an arcade game. Yes.
38:38 – 38:53
We were an arcade in St. Mary’s and somebody took a picture of us and put it in the dadgum yearbook that year. So it’s forever memorialized. Thank God it’s in black and white, you know, before color became a thing in yearbooks.
38:54 – 39:02
Yeah. Anyway, back before they started springing for color pictures in here, but it used to be only the seniors would have a color picture. Yeah. Yeah.
39:02 – 39:08
Now, I got to say something else. There was a friend of mine. His name was John. Not you.
39:08 – 39:17
Not you. But he had an ugly girlfriend. Okay. I’m just saying he was all right, but she was ugly.
39:18 – 39:22
Wow. She just was. Okay. Okay.
39:22 – 39:30
You just have to take my word for it. I mean, how long have we done the show? Almost 20 years, right? Almost 20 years.
39:30 – 39:39
Yeah. When have I ever just said somebody was ugly? Maybe once when that- Like, I think it was back in the Lucy days. The redneck girl that was licking her lips at me.
39:39 – 39:42
Do you remember that? Yeah. That, I think I said she was ugly. All right.
39:43 – 39:59
But this girl was ugly and she had uglier hairdo. It was like a curly mullet. And he had curly hair, and I guarantee you it was her idea, but they went out and got matching haircuts. Oh, no.
40:00 – 40:10
Exactly. It was so bad. They make websites for people like that now. Oh, so bad.
40:10 – 40:17
I was so embarrassed for him. I quit being his friend. First of all, because I couldn’t look at her. She was so ugly.
40:19 – 40:32
And second, and I couldn’t, I couldn’t see what he saw in her. You can be close friends with somebody that you think is insane. Maybe she had a really nice personality. Maybe she did, but you know what?
40:32 – 40:40
Honestly, I remember her. No, she was a butt. Oh, and that’s probably what made her ugly then. That no, you’re being so nice.
40:41 – 40:58
She was mean on the inside and ugly on the outside, yet he liked her a ton, like he wanted to marry her. Maybe she had a lot of money. She just had ways we didn’t know nothing about. That’s a throwback.
40:58 – 41:08
Yes, it is. Yes. Anyway, this is from Brennan from Burr’s Burr’s Windale, Pennsylvania. They really know how to name them up there.
41:08 – 41:24
Hi, my name is Brennan. I’m pretty sure I experienced an introvert’s worst nightmare. Oh, about a month ago, my brother and my best friend and his girlfriend and I were at a concert at a local sports arena. We had picked some seats fairly close to the stage and I got to really enjoy the show.
41:25 – 41:44
On our way in, we all had purchased water bottles and placed them in the cup holders between our seats. And after a few minutes, a guy and a girl ended up sitting next to me. As we were watching the stage crew set up, I reached to my left for my bottle and I took a sip of my water. And halfway through my sip, two things went through my mind.
41:44 – 41:54
Number one, gosh, this water is good. And two, Didn’t I put my water on the right? Oh, that’s right. That’s right.
41:54 – 42:13
I had drunk out of a total stranger’s water bottle. Oh no! I was relieved by the fact that the guy was not wandering their arena, but my heart sank when out of the corner of my eye, I could see the dude’s girlfriend giving me the most aggressive death stare of my life. Uh oh.
42:13 – 42:22
You just made out with my boyfriend. Oh no! I have to kiss that man later. It’s going to be like I’m kissing you.
42:22 – 42:40
That’s what she was thinking. I quickly threw the bottle into the cup holder on my left and avoided eye contact. After 15 minutes, the guy came back and plopped back down into his seat. Within seconds, he went to drink his water and with lightning fast reflexes, his own girlfriend grabbed his arm and began whispering to him.
42:42 – 42:47
Uh-oh. This is when panic set in. I was sweating bullets, dude. I wasn’t trying to be anybody’s enemy.
42:48 – 42:56
I wasn’t trying to be anybody’s friend. My mind was racing. Was she gonna call me out? Was she gonna give me a massive lecture on concert etiquette?
42:56 – 43:16
Would they, worst of all, create an awkward situation between strangers? As I frantically thought about what was gonna go down, she suddenly ripped the bottle from his hand and began to chug its contents. Dude, she wanted you. She was jealous of that bottle.
43:18 – 43:39
She wanted you. I watched flabbergasted as she took the bottle, polished it off, and I sat there silently relieved I would never have to face the consequences for my terrible actions. Moral of the story, when in public, always drink your water in one sitting. Who knows how many complete strangers will help themselves to your drink.
43:40 – 43:49
Anyway, keep up the credible podcast. Tell John I learned to turn into a bat just for him in that situation. Well done. And I hope this makes it on the show.
43:50 – 44:03
Oh, so as usual, your moral is completely off. Drink your water in one sitting. I think you could have broke them up. Yeah.
44:04 – 44:20
Yeah. If you hadn’t been such an introvert, you could have gone home with his girlfriend. This was her way of trying to convey to you either, you know, because there’s no other thing you could say, OK, well, she didn’t want boyfriend to drink it. Right.
44:20 – 44:38
But why not? When you chug it yourself, that’s a statement. That’s I’m either taking a bullet for you or that guy looks tasty. Like, I don’t want you to drink it.
44:39 – 44:44
I want to drink it. Anyway, I don’t know. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. John, what are your thoughts?
44:45 – 44:51
My thoughts? You always have the purest thoughts. I want to hear your thoughts. Well, see, I’m going to try.
44:51 – 45:07
I was thinking what I could have done if I had been Brennan. Yeah. And I think when I noticed the dude going to drink, grab water, I would have grabbed it and said, hey, that’s mine. And then even knowing that it’s not mine, they would say, no, that’s not mine.
45:08 – 45:14
That’s mine, right? And then they would say, that’s not yours. It’s mine. I put it there.
45:14 – 45:23
And I could say, oh, my goodness. I am so sorry. I grabbed the wrong drink. This one’s over here on my left is mine.
45:24 – 45:27
or vice versa. See, see what I’m doing there? Yeah. Yeah.
45:27 – 45:34
Okay. Let me, let me see if I can out nice you. I’m going to try. I’m going to try to use powers I don’t usually access.
45:35 – 45:41
So I accidentally drink the drink on the left. Okay. Right. Yeah.
45:41 – 45:48
It was on the left and I’m seen, I’m caught. I hold it. I keep it. I keep it.
45:49 – 45:59
I own it. I own my mistake. And when he comes down to sit down, I say, you know, she starts whispering, right? And she’s trying to tell him, that guy has your drink.
46:00 – 46:11
I just suddenly jump up and say, what are you going to do about it? And I dump it over their heads. No, that’s not at all right. Um, let me, let me do it this way.
46:11 – 46:21
Okay. I own it. I keep it. And when he comes back, I say, dude, I am so sorry, but I drank your drink and I owe you a drink.
46:22 – 46:26
Here’s $10. Keep the change. Wow. How about that?
46:26 – 46:36
That, that over, that over nicest me big time. And I’m going to be honest. That’s what I would do in real life. All the bull crap I spout where I’m always mean, that’s the show, James.
46:36 – 46:49
That’s where I let out all my boogers, my dark boogers, if you would. That’s right. That’s my Arabian black boogers. Uh, but in real life, I mean, I do joke negatively.
46:49 – 47:08
John will tell you, I made him cry when he was younger. Did you? That’s what you told me one time, or you got sad and your mom told you- I probably did cry, because I would cry at a lot of stuff. I cried too, but I was bad and I’m still a little bit bad, but I don’t mean to be.
47:08 – 47:17
Yeah. Except when I call that girl ugly. She was so ugly just now. Here’s how you could have done this story, okay?
47:18 – 47:37
One more addition to Brennan’s story, okay? Because you want to get the girl, right? So what you do is you realize- Oh yeah, yeah, I want the girl, yeah. You realized, sir, or hey man, you don’t wanna call him sir, I guess, and say, hey man, I totally drank your drink, I’m so sorry, why don’t you get yourself another drink?
47:37 – 47:51
Here’s $10, go get it. And then when he leaves- Take his freaking seat. take his seat and his girl. Be like, why do you want to go with this loser who is going to let some other guy drink his drink?
47:51 – 48:02
Without standing up and fighting for his rights. But if I take you, is he going to fight me or I just have to give him $10 and he’ll leave you too? Yeah. In fact, here’s another 10.
48:03 – 48:18
You go away and just don’t come back. And then you both turn into bats and then fly away. I don’t know what happened there, but that one went wild. Yeah, that one went wild.
48:18 – 48:23
That’s okay. That’s why you’re not on the microphone. That’s why you’re not writing novels and stuff. Maybe.
48:24 – 48:30
Are you? No, but I could. You could. I’m doing it right now.
48:31 – 48:44
Oh, oh man. Okay. So we have to choose a winner for this, uh, this thing I bought, uh, Mr. Beast lab swarms. And, uh, I, the only kid that I know of that wrote in this week is Mitchell.
48:45 – 49:00
So Mitchell, you are going to win Mr. Beast lab swarms. Congratulations. Please write in with the email that you used to send in your story and we will ship this out to you within a year or so. Yeah.
49:01 – 49:26
When everything gets back to normal. There’s a kid that is really mad at me because I haven’t sent his skibbity toilet collectible yet. Dude, you better do that soon. But I was really depressed in my, in my own, Defense, I couldn’t even come down here because this place reminded me of all the things I wasn’t doing, like podcasting and art and fun video games and everything.
49:26 – 49:40
When I’m down, it is the worst. I’m sorry, brother. But he emails me in the midst of all this and he’s like, you have really let me down. And I said, oh, I wrote back as if he was doing it as a joke.
49:41 – 50:07
And because I think he kind of meant it that way. And I said, you know what? I’ll send you a hug and a kiss with the with the skivvity toilet so you can you don’t have to cry. You know, or I said something like, I’ll send you a box of tissues so you can wipe your eyes or something like that, you know, just, just, and he was like, ha ha, LOL, you know, and he sent some, cause they don’t say LOL, only, only, only X
50:07 – 50:14
generation X does LOL anymore. Do millennials still say LOL? I don’t think so. Not on purpose.
50:14 – 50:41
I think they did when they were younger and didn’t know any better, but dude, I’m an LOL freak. I will send, uh, you know, like smiling emojis, but only because I type in the old school. colon, you know, bracket or whatever, and it converts it into a smile emoji. Or if I do colon capital D for a big smile, it’ll do an open mouth smile.
50:42 – 50:56
And I’m like, that’s not what I intended. And the colon capital P with the tongue sticking out sideways, I used to do that when I felt dumb. Okay. But now they’ve done it to where his tongue comes out of the middle of his mouth and he’s smiling.
50:57 – 51:09
And I would say, I would use it when I felt dumb or when I was saying something that I knew was kind of dumb. And I’d be like, you know, that’s what it kind of meant to me. And now it doesn’t mean that anymore. So I will backspace.
51:09 – 51:22
to get it back to the P. And I wonder, does anybody even turn their head anymore to look at that? They’re probably wondering, what is that typo that he sent me? There was a period of time I didn’t know what those were.
51:23 – 51:30
I didn’t know what those were. People would send them and I’m like, what? And I had to look it up. It was on HotBot.
51:31 – 51:39
It’s like when we didn’t know what the word M-E-M-E said. Yeah, it was Mimi for a long time for me. Yeah. It was a Mimi.
51:40 – 51:44
Have you, have you seen this Mimi? Yeah. I was terrible. It’s a terrible thing.
51:44 – 51:50
Cause it’s readers. When we read, we don’t know the names. Right. I even heard that one time.
51:50 – 52:00
If you hear somebody say something wrong, don’t laugh at them. It means they read a lot. And uh, yeah. They have their own pronunciations.
52:01 – 52:11
Yeah. Wow. Anyway, let’s get us out of here. This podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon.
52:12 – 52:38
Supporting listeners get ad-free listening, swag, and a weekly bonus podcast. Try it out free for seven days at support.thatstorieshow.com. And you can join as a free member and be a free member forever if you want. And you will get content, not the good stuff, but I do send out images and texts and messages to Patreon and I tag free people in it too sometimes.
52:38 – 52:46
So check it out, support.thestoreshow.com. Special thanks to our producers, James Spangler, Carrie Wright, and Christopher Tynan. Do you have a funny life story you’d like featured on the show? I bet you do.
52:47 – 52:56
Submit it. thatstorieshow.com. And while you’re there, join our discord server. Also want to put a shout out, go to discord and join our Minecraft server.
52:56 – 53:04
We have an official that story show Minecraft server. It is thriving. It is awesome. It’s Java and you can join.
53:04 – 53:16
We have to whitelist you and you have to be on the discord server. So go do that. Take a moment, leave a review on iTunes or Spotify, and don’t forget to email us your address. If you heard your story for your free sticker.
53:16 – 53:28
And remember, when something weird, annoying, embarrassing, or painful happens, you don’t get stressed, don’t get depressed, just think, hey, this belongs on that story show. We’ll see you guys next week. Thanks, John. Thanks, Jane.
53:28 – 53:41
Thanks for moving to an area that didn’t have static from 80s walkie-talkies on it. That was disturbing. Yeah, it’s not raining in here. Oh, and the sound effect is working here, too.
53:44 – 53:50
That sounds good. All right. Let’s see if I can do this. All right.
53:52 – 54:10
My name is Brennan and I’m an introvert nightmare. We went to a thing and we listened to something that made me scared. I got some water on my right hand, but for some reason I grabbed the left instead and I drank it. It was good.
54:11 – 54:34
But then in my hood called my brain, I realized what I did was insane. Cause his girlfriend locked eyes and she gave me something evil. I said, Hey babe, I’ll give you your friend a 10 and you give me your digits and we’ll get married like evil Knievel. I don’t know why the song is suddenly so short.
54:34 – 54:42
I don’t even get to really get in the groove. But yeah, you’re just getting started. Yeah, I don’t know. I’ll have to re-edit it, remix it.
54:43 – 54:47
Anyway, thanks everybody for listening. We’ll see you guys next week. Thanks, John. Thanks, James.