00:00 – 00:18
This is that story show where we think farts are funny. Hey, podcast people, I’m your host, my name is James Kennison. And I am John Steinklauber. Welcome to the show, the amazing show where we share your hilarious real life stories and make fun of you.

00:18 – 00:19
Oh, in a

00:19 – 00:25
loving way. Of course. Oh, always. Always, John.

00:26 – 00:31
We’re laughing with you. And at you. And at you too. I laugh at you.

00:31 – 00:32
John laughs with you.

00:33 – 00:44
Except we’re not laughing. That’s true. I used to tell my son, he’s like, I’m just joking. I’m like, it’s not a joke unless everybody’s laughing.

00:45 – 00:53
And so now. he gets me back with that same line. Cause I’ll crack something on his mom or on him. And he’s like, no funny.

00:53 – 01:00
If everybody’s not laughing, dad, I’m like, I’d only applied to you when you were trainable.

01:01 – 01:04
Yeah. You can’t, you can’t throw that back at, at, in your face. Yeah.

01:05 – 01:05
I’m not

01:05 – 01:05
gonna,

01:06 – 01:06
I’m not going to

01:06 – 01:07
practice what I preach.

01:08 – 01:09
What do you think? I am

01:09 – 01:10
charging them rent.

01:10 – 01:10
You think I think

01:10 – 01:11
it’s funny.

01:11 – 01:24
Yeah, I should. We always start with an opening story. This one’s from Sawyer Hayden in Idaho or no Sawyer from Hayden, Hayden, Idaho. It’s a total bull crap story.

01:24 – 01:34
That’s what he says. And he’s young. He’s a fifth grader, but he, I got his parents permission to read this. I have the email.

01:34 – 01:43
So yeah, everybody chill. Okay. I’m chilled. And what I love about this is it’s not the first story of this type that we’ve had sent in.

01:44 – 01:57
but it is from a whole new generation and a whole lot more recent stories. It’s a story full of references. Here we go. Hey, James and John, I’m a fifth grader from a small town in Idaho, but my dad is sending this story in.

01:57 – 02:08
I’m almost a middle school or homeschool. Wait, I’m an almost middle school homeschooler. And here’s my story. We don’t have a sound clip for that, do we?

02:08 – 02:17
Oh, sure we do. So where does your son go to school? He said almost middle school, so he can’t get both. He only gets one.

02:17 – 02:24
God, you almost get it. Almost. I’ll reach toward the button and not push it. That’s as close as you get.

02:24 – 02:32
You almost press the button. Almost. Almost did it. One day, me and my brother were waltzing down the sidewalk and we spotted a lemonade stand on the side of the road.

02:32 – 02:48
The boy told us that he was selling lemonade for the nearby baseball game. And I glanced over and saw a man bloody with two giant knives that looked like machetes attached to his hip. Unperturbed, I looked back at the kid selling lemonade and asked him how he made it. What type of lemons do you use, I questioned.

02:48 – 02:59
He simply replied, lemons, lemons. My brother, who suddenly turned Norwegian, said in a snarky voice, Sir, I have news for you. That doesn’t make any sense. Oh, yeah?

02:59 – 03:15
Well, I squeezed them into a bowl that not only served tater salad, but also caught a placenta. Immediately after saying this, he kicked my brother in the junk really hard. The junk? After doing so, he turned into a bat and flew away into the beast games.

03:17 – 03:27
Okay, he flew away to enter the Beast Games. Very disturbed by this, we walked on. Cutie’s gone, some maniac girl was yelling while running around. Yeah, because she got eaten by a bear.

03:29 – 03:38
She sat down and told her mom how thirsty she was. She grabbed the Yeti mug from her mom’s hand and drank. She immediately spit out the contents. My brother commented, I wonder why she did that.

03:38 – 03:56
I love lemon-lime Gatorade flavor. As we walked by the bank, an old man sped into the parking lot about four, 45 miles an hour. He smashed in the parking bumper and flailed around as if he were a crash test dummy. Unscathed, he pulled himself out of the dilapidated truck and walked into the bank.

03:56 – 04:10
As the door closed behind him, we heard someone say, hi, whip. I mean, Mr. Terry. Clueless, we headed home. When we arrived at the house, my brother went in the bathroom, and he said he was taking a spooky dookie, whatever that is.

04:10 – 04:22
I’m scared of it, I thought. Suddenly, I heard him scream. He dashed out of the bathroom with blood spilling from his backside. There’s some giant brown monster that bit me in the butt, he cried in anguish.

04:22 – 04:32
Hallelujah, you’re still alive, I said. Also, what did you eat? Just then, a giant mud puppy came waltzing out of the bathroom. Quick, put a book in your butt.

04:32 – 04:44
It’ll stop the bleeding. The mud puppy chased us into our backyard, then plummeted into a hole with a pugnet, rancid, and with pugnet, rancid, and other contents. I wouldn’t want to explain. Pungent?

04:44 – 04:45
Pungent?

04:45 – 04:45
Yeah.

04:45 – 04:50
Pungent. Pungent. With nothing left to lose, we buried it. Luckily, it had already died from the stench.

04:51 – 04:58
I know what he’s referencing. He’s talking about when I buried the poop with Paul, Paul Gibson, when I buried the poop.

04:58 – 04:59
Big

05:00 – 05:00
trash can

05:00 – 05:01
full of poop.

05:02 – 05:08
Yeah, it had already died from the stench. Total bullcrap story, but I hope it makes it on the show. Yes. P.S.

05:08 – 05:13
I love your podcast so much. I’ve been listening for two to four years now. Wow. That’s a wide span.

05:13 – 05:19
You can’t narrow it down a little bit. Two to four. I mean, you know, maybe three, three and a half, something like that. Those

05:19 – 05:21
COVID years are long.

05:21 – 05:26
That’s true. And he’s almost in middle school, so he doesn’t quite know how to tell time yet.

05:27 – 05:27
Yeah.

05:27 – 05:27
I am

05:27 – 05:28
very relative.

05:28 – 05:40
I have listened from episode one and all the way through seven times. Whoa. And 400 to your latest episode about 23 times. James, this James is cool.

05:41 – 05:42
And John is the best.

05:43 – 05:43
Well,

05:43 – 05:43
well,

05:44 – 05:44
shucks.

05:45 – 05:56
James is still cool. Even though you’re the best, I’m still cool. That means that I’m not very cool. But you’re the best

05:56 – 06:00
overall. I’m the best non-cool person on the planet.

06:00 – 06:00
Thank

06:00 – 06:06
you very much, Sawyer. I think you’re the best. I think you’re, I think you’re the best.

06:07 – 06:07
I’m the coolest. And I

06:07 – 06:09
also think that I’m cool sometimes.

06:09 – 06:15
See, you agree that I’m also the best, but I do not agree that you are also cool. Fair

06:15 – 06:15
enough.

06:17 – 06:19
It’s just true. I will live in my

06:19 – 06:21
own delusion if I have to.

06:22 – 06:26
You do look cool with that, that, that head piece on. What is that? What do you call that? A head sock?

06:26 – 06:29
What are you? A beanie. A beanie. Okay.

06:29 – 06:34
It’s just a beanie. It’s a slick beanie. It’s like a 20 something beanie. You know,

06:34 – 06:35
I’ve had this

06:35 – 06:41
for 20 years. Oh, wow. So it’s legit from when you were like 20 or 30. Oh, I was.

06:46 – 06:53
I have a picture of myself holding little Johnny. Yeah. He was like two years old. So it might not be 20 years old, but anyways.

06:53 – 06:55
Our podcast isn’t much 20 years old.

06:56 – 07:01
Whoa. Yeah. You’re old, John. No, no, not really.

07:02 – 07:07
Neither of us are. Just everybody else. You’re old dude. No, you’re dude.

07:07 – 07:07
You’re

07:08 – 07:21
old. Radical. Anyway, we have a couple of announcements. I wanted to reiterate, from now on, if you get a story on the show, you win a sticker.

07:21 – 07:41
All you have to do is email me from the reply that you get, because I send you an email when I am going to read it on the show. You just reply to that and say, here’s my address and I will send you a sticker. Um, the skibbity toilet giveaway. Um, we mentioned that last week and that is this week.

07:41 – 07:59
We are giving away a skibbity toilet collectible. Uh, but here’s the thing is nobody claimed the one from last week. And that is nobody’s fault but the listener. You have to listen to the show to win the prize, to hear that you’ve earned the prize.

07:59 – 08:08
And if you don’t claim it in that week, we give it away to somebody else. So that just means I have two Skibbity Toilet collectibles. to give away

08:08 – 08:09
now.

08:09 – 08:20
Two more than you really need. Yeah. So we are going to give one away today to a great story. Uh, and I’m great, great middle school story preferably.

08:20 – 08:36
So anyway, uh, let’s, uh, rewind the week. All right. So, um, I have two weekly updates. Ooh, which one would you like to hear a place in order or egg racist?

08:41 – 09:00
I was sent to Costco, and I was just there to pick up my medicine, and I made the stupid mistake of calling my wife and saying, I’m at Costco, do you need anything? I didn’t even have a cart. So I had to go around and pick up this and that and the other thing, and I kept stacking them under my chin. And

09:00 – 09:00
I’m like,

09:00 – 09:01
Oh my

09:01 – 09:03
gosh, man, you can’t do that. This big box.

09:03 – 09:11
No, but I was cutting through, I was getting through carts, man. I was dodging around people. I was so slick. And then I couldn’t find the eggs.

09:14 – 09:17
I feel like that’s a common theme everywhere these days. Nobody can find the eggs.

09:17 – 09:30
But they had them. I just couldn’t find where they were located. Well, I asked an employee and he happily led me to a giant walk-in refrigerator with the word dairy over the top. They were hidden.

09:30 – 09:40
They were in a secret room. And I was like, I didn’t know y’all put one of these in. He said, yeah, we did about 12 years ago. I’m like, oh, well, I’m new to Costco, so I’m stupid, you know?

09:41 – 10:02
So I go in there and all there are, there’s eggs, but they’re all brown eggs. And at that moment, I realized I was an egg racist because eggs are supposed to be white, right? You know? I mean, I think everybody’s a little egg racist really because everybody- I

10:02 – 10:02
prefer brown eggs.

10:03 – 10:10
Really? You know the only difference between white eggs and brown eggs is the color of the chicken. The color. That’s all.

10:11 – 10:17
That’s the only difference. It’s not like it’s a whole grain chicken egg.

10:17 – 10:18
Right. No. Yeah.

10:18 – 10:19
It’s still a

10:19 – 10:21
chicken. You’re right. Yep. Exactly true.

10:22 – 10:30
So anyway, I had to get over it. I had to face it and I did. I faced my, my racism. My egg racism.

10:31 – 10:44
And I overcame it and I bought a 24 pack of brown eggs. Brown eggs. And so I’ve overcome my egg racism, but it was shocking to find out that I had any in me at all. You were an egg racist.

10:44 – 10:46
Yeah. I was a white egg

10:46 – 10:52
supremacist. No, because you didn’t put the brown eggs under your foot. No,

10:54 – 10:57
but I did think that the white eggs were superior.

11:00 – 11:13
I think, I don’t think they are. Well, I did. Well, now you know. Did you, have you, have you eaten one of those fresh brown farm eggs where the yolk is like rich golden instead of that white?

11:13 – 11:19
I don’t really care for eggs. Oh. Unless they’re in baking goods, baked goods. Yeah.

11:19 – 11:28
Yeah. I like a nice sloppy scrambled egg with cheese where it’s still plenty wet.

11:30 – 11:30
Yeah. My

11:30 – 11:40
wife makes it super dry and I don’t tell her that I hate it because I got somebody cooking for me for free. I don’t want to mess that deal up. Don’t

11:41 – 11:45
want to mess that up. Yeah. Because if you start complaining, you might get the treatment.

11:45 – 11:47
I might get eggs thrown at me.

11:48 – 11:52
Last week was a Valentine’s day. Happy Valentine’s day. Thank

11:52 – 11:53
you. Love you too, man.

11:53 – 12:00
I love you too. And very much. And, um, we were gifted a marriage retreat.

12:00 – 12:08
Oh, that’s right. Cause I texted you and you said you were getting, you were at a marriage retreat getting, uh, content for the show. And I thought that was

12:08 – 12:09
hilarious. Yeah

12:10 – 12:17
I thought it was hilarious first that you were at a marriage retreat Secondly, yeah that you were thinking of it as a content maker.

12:17 – 12:24
So well it it is because it was awkward Amy and I were there because I took my wife, right? That’s

12:24 – 12:24
a good

12:24 – 12:27
idea Funny, right? No, um, it is

12:28 – 12:35
i’m gonna enhance my marriage. Just not my marriage to you I’m gonna find a new one. It’s a singles retreat.

12:35 – 12:55
I don’t really understand um but so It everybody everybody’s there. There’s no kids. It’s it’s just couples and in some of these couples I have found They will repeat going to these marriage enrichment things like I think we

12:55 – 12:55
were the

12:55 – 12:56
same

12:56 – 12:56
ones there

12:57 – 13:03
Well, they have different speakers every year. Oh, okay. Stuff like that, but it’s held in the same place. It’s in Rome, Georgia.

13:04 – 13:19
Everybody’s there as a married couple. And some of them there have been many times and some of them there have not, but all of them there are married. Okay. We’ve established that.

13:20 – 13:34
So Amy and I realized that we’re, We’re kind of introverted, right? I mean, as much as necessary. And we’re like, we don’t, we don’t really want to get into people’s business

13:34 – 13:34
or life

13:34 – 13:43
or something. So we made the decision early that we were not going to sit at the same tables every day. Because we didn’t want to

13:43 – 13:45
leave. Oh, there’s our buddies over there.

13:45 – 13:51
We met you the first day. We’re now we’re best buds. Let’s exchange phone numbers. I don’t want to do that.

13:51 – 14:15
Right. And Amy’s like, I hope they don’t make us do any stupid icebreakers. Oh. Because you know you get in these large group Conference type things and they’re always gonna do so let’s get to know each other and we’re like, let’s not So they did they did a nice breaker and we had to wind up, you know, we Being separate with all

14:15 – 14:38
these other married couples getting to know each other and everything. It’s just It it was was it’s just kind of awkward. Yeah, but it’s also Okay, because you know In the end we were sociable social sociable. So we we interacted with social Yeah, and we and everything was just fine.

14:39 – 14:48
Um, but it was fun to observe because it’s always fun to people watch And this is, this is what I’ll end. I’ll end on this James. Okay. Great.

14:48 – 14:53
Yes. We have these like meetings, like it’s like a church service basically. Right. Right.

14:53 – 15:07
So they, they have a time of singing and praise and worship. And then a guy comes and gives a marriage themed kind of sermon. Dude, the guy that was leading this thing, He looked like Steve Rogers. He looked like Captain America.

15:07 – 15:09
Nice. Except not the buff version.

15:10 – 15:17
Oh. I mean, he was. That skinny pre, pre Vita rays. Yeah, he did.

15:17 – 15:29
And I, you know, I don’t see real good from a distance anyways. So I’m up there looking and I’m like, the only thing that’s off is his voice is just a little bit off, but like he, like he, even some of his mannerisms are like, he’s

15:29 – 15:32
very. I could do that. I could preach this all day.

15:34 – 15:52
Yes, but we were we are in a time of like worship and singing and stuff. And he’s married couples, you know, right away from their kids and stuff. And they’re just like inappropriately close while they’re singing. Oh

15:52 – 15:53
my gosh.

15:53 – 15:57
I’m like. Maybe just a little light between the two of

15:57 – 15:59
you. Yeah. Leave room for the Holy ghost.

15:59 – 16:04
Yeah. So that was, that was, uh, that

16:04 – 16:13
was weird, dude. So, so me and your, my wife were talking about marriage retreats. Cause I told you you were on one and she’s like, how do you think we would do? Why have we never done one?

16:13 – 16:31
I’m like, cause I don’t ever want to do one because I don’t want to hear other people’s problems. They’re, you know, Oh, he doesn’t take the garbage out until I ask. I’m like, Oh my gosh, first world. you know, uh, marriage, Christian marriage problems.

16:31 – 16:34
Come on, give me a break, you know? And then, yeah, I,

16:35 – 16:43
no, not for me. Thanks. I, I think if you were these, it wasn’t like that where you’re listening to people’s, but you know, the kind I’m talking about though. I do.

16:43 – 16:50
I do. Yeah. People sitting around a table and well, so how often do you guys go on a walk?

16:50 – 16:58
Yeah. With Jesus. Yeah. Do you have a two-person marriage or a three-person marriage?

16:58 – 16:59
Ah, yes.

16:59 – 17:02
Because the person of the Holy Spirit should be with you

17:02 – 17:07
always. It would have been fun, though, if you guys were there. We could have had fun together.

17:07 – 17:12
We could have bullied the other couples. You’ve only been married for

17:12 – 17:15
four years? Well, let me tell you. Yeah.

17:15 – 17:20
You guys want to get frisky during worship? Let me show you how to get frisky during worship.

17:21 – 17:22
What’s that mean?

17:23 – 17:31
It means we lay at the altar. I don’t know. It always sounds worse when it comes out than it does when it’s in my head. Yeah.

17:32 – 17:37
I feel like I might be blushing or something. I’m not

17:39 – 17:46
sure. Um, okay. You know, lay side by side at the altar. That’s what I meant.

17:46 – 18:01
Anyway. We’ll pray holding hands. Well, I’m glad you got, on a scale of 1 to 10, how good is your marriage now that you’ve been through this enrichment process? How much enrichment was done?

18:03 – 18:05
Did you learn? Was there any takeaways?

18:06 – 18:11
Yeah. Yeah. Amy took a lot of notes about you. Yeah, maybe.

18:11 – 18:29
No, no. We had some good, good talk stuff. I mean, there’s, there’s some, definitely some good takeaways that are good practices. Like one of the things he said was, uh, every day you should spend at least 15 minutes and sometimes it’s not even going to be that long, but you should spend time asking each other, um, two questions.

18:29 – 18:33
What, What, what was good, like

18:33 – 18:34
a good, why are you wearing

18:34 – 18:46
that? And yeah, you’re going to go out in that. And what did you step in? Um, no, but just two questions that you asked that kind of get, get the conversation going.

18:46 – 18:54
And I don’t feel like we have a problem with that, but. It’s always good. Yeah, I feel like it was good. I would definitely do it again.

18:54 – 18:59
It’s a gorgeous location Yeah, it’s my kind of place to go and so you

18:59 – 19:14
say people do it over and over Do you is it like the Disney cruise where you get a gift after each level that you go through? I mean I don’t know. Oh, maybe there’s perks to going back. Cause like if you

19:14 – 19:15
do

19:15 – 19:36
a cruise, you get a, you get something, but you go back again and you get a magnet to put on your cabin door. And then you go back again, you like get a handbag and then you go back again and you get, you get stuff. So I don’t know, maybe you get some stuff, maybe you get a we shirt. You know what a we shirt is?

19:37 – 19:43
It’s a giant t-shirt that both of you can fit in. So we shirt. Yeah. That’s a real thing.

19:44 – 19:44
No,

19:45 – 19:51
it’s not. It should be. Hey, you be easy to worship in that

19:52 – 19:53
inappropriately

19:53 – 19:54
together.

19:54 – 20:01
Yes. Put your hands back where we can see them, folks. Put them to the slaves. So, yeah.

20:02 – 20:12
No, I saw a couple kiss in church one time when I was a teenager, and I thought, the God is going to just crack a whip right on their faces right now, just from heaven.

20:12 – 20:14
Was it a kiss or was it like a

20:14 – 20:24
kiss? It was a peck. And then, and then the wife sat there kind of massaging his shoulder the rest of the service. And I was like, this is way too risky.

20:25 – 20:34
I mean, risque for church. I was a Christian. I was so Christian, dude. I was so Christian and ridiculous about it.

20:34 – 20:49
Like it applied to everyone else, even though it didn’t apply to me. So. So, yeah, I don’t know if I was jealous or if I was offended, but anyway. Let’s do some reviews brought to you by podgagement.com.

20:50 – 21:01
We are undoing the one bad review we got. People just slammed us with positive reviews this week. So thank you guys so much Thank you. Here’s a couple that stuck out five stars.

21:01 – 21:05
Great. Just found this. It’s like sitting and laughing with old friends I love

21:05 – 21:05
it. I

21:05 – 21:09
got the C57 old friends you had to say old

21:10 – 21:16
Oh Well, that just didn’t mean that we’re old in age, just friends that have been friends for

21:16 – 21:17
a long time, right? Oh, see, I took that

21:17 – 21:18
completely the wrong

21:19 – 21:30
way. All right. And then Carla123 says, awesome, dude, IDK how y’all have so many episodes and you still don’t run out of stories to tell. You show everyone you don’t have to be explicit to be funny.

21:30 – 21:34
I miss David, but this is an amazing show. Thanks.

21:35 – 21:41
So here’s how we have so many stories and it goes back to the last comment about us being old. We just tell the same

21:41 – 21:46
stories. It’s over. Is that right? You guys keep sending in great stories, man.

21:46 – 22:00
The show wouldn’t exist except for you guys. So remember to send in your stories at thatstorieshow.com. And you can review us on iTunes or Spotify. It makes us really happy, as you can tell, and it helps the show.

22:00 – 22:09
Review.thatstorieshow.com. iTunes and Spotify is our favorite spots. Oh, wow. It is time for us to read some stories.

22:12 – 22:18
Let me tell y’all a story. Let me tell y’all a story. I

22:18 – 22:26
got to admit some to John. I have not read every single story that is in the show today. So it’s going to be a surprise if it’s in a pro pro. The

22:26 – 22:31
ones that you hit. No, I think it’s great. I read the stories that are assigned to me to read.

22:31 – 22:35
Oh, okay. Well, I read some of them, but I didn’t read this one.

22:36 – 22:38
Oh, This is going to be surprised.

22:38 – 22:46
It’s called lava chair. It’s from Austin from Blanchard, Oklahoma. Hello, James and John. I have a story that happened when my younger brother was turning five.

22:46 – 22:55
So about five years ago, we live on a hill brag, brag, brag, or we live on a hill. We live

22:55 – 23:10
on a big hill on a freaking hill. Is it a Mount? You know, Hill is relative is like what I would call a hill now. Is different from what I would call the hill when I lived in florida because the hill in florida is like i’m an anthill, right?

23:10 – 23:12
Yeah say hill 10 times hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:12 – 23:17
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:17 – 23:17
hill

23:17 – 23:17
hill hill hill hill

23:17 – 23:19
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:19 – 23:22
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:22 – 23:22
hill hill hill hill hill

23:22 – 23:22
hill

23:22 – 23:23
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:23 – 23:24
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:24 – 23:25
hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:25 – 23:26
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:26 – 23:26
hill hill hill hill

23:26 – 23:26
hill

23:26 – 23:28
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:28 – 23:28
hill hill

23:28 – 23:31
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill

23:31 – 23:44
hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill hill Well, it sounds like you’re saying the place. It’s a bad place, John. So anyway, he lives on a hill. So we thought it was a great idea to make a homemade water slide down the hill.

23:44 – 23:49
See, I knew there was bragging coming. Yeah, it’s double brag. Freaking. I’m from Florida.

23:49 – 24:01
There’s no hills. No. We had to pile up dirt and crap and then sling a tarp over it if we want anything like that. Pile up the pine straw and grab a piece of cardboard.

24:03 – 24:04
Yep, them was a good old days

24:04 – 24:08
right there. Them’s a good days right there, boy, if you could handle the gnats and the skeeters.

24:09 – 24:09
Yep,

24:09 – 24:15
every now and then you step on one of said pinecones and hurt your foot. Dude, pinecones don’t play.

24:15 – 24:15
They

24:15 – 24:15
don’t.

24:15 – 24:22
They got spikes. Anyway, it all went great. We threw a party. Oh, great.

24:23 – 24:32
And nothing exciting happened. Oh. Thanks for including it. After the party happened, we thought it was a waste to take it down so quickly, so we left it up.

24:33 – 24:42
Like a Christmas tree. I guess it was haunted. I’m going to say he meant haunted. Because to my eight-year-old brain, it was terrifying at night.

24:42 – 24:49
I vividly remember waking up in a cold sweat after a nightmare about this water slide that goes like this. Okay.

24:50 – 24:51
I love it already.

24:51 – 24:57
I do too. A volcano had grown at the center of the water slide and was about to erupt. I was eight. Don’t judge me.

24:58 – 25:09
Then it erupts and lava flowed up the hill toward the door. Everyone in the house screamed, but not Mom, the hero of the day. Quick, grab a chair, she said. A what?

25:09 – 25:24
We’re about to die and you want a chair? But I did as Mom asked. Right as the lava reached the door, Mom heroically held the door and completely stopped the lava in its tracks, saving us all. What?

25:25 – 25:42
This looks so stupid now in text. Yeah, but when you’re eight and mom could wedge a door shut with a chair. A chair to keep the lava at bay. Mom is the one that your heart looks to, to, to save your life.

25:42 – 25:46
It’s true. Is lava stopped by doors in Minecraft?

25:48 – 25:56
Uh, I’m going to say yes. I mean, cause you can put a pane of glass up and stop the lava. So

25:56 – 26:01
yeah, I think doors don’t burn. Yeah. What doors? It would make sense if they did, but I don’t think they do.

26:02 – 26:11
Cause you burn a wood cabin in Minecraft and the doors and the windows are still there. They’re still there. That’s true. If I remember it right.

26:11 – 26:19
Dude, you know, speaking of Minecraft right in the middle of this, I got on Minecraft. Yeah. You said there was tons of new stuff. There is, do you know snow matters now?

26:19 – 26:25
Yeah. Oh, I didn’t even know what was happening. I was walking on snow. Like I’ve done a million times, fell into it.

26:25 – 26:31
I’m freezing to death. And I didn’t know how to, what I was doing. It’s just whiteness everywhere. I was like, gosh,

26:32 – 26:33
how do I survive?

26:33 – 26:49
And I started beating, you know, punching and, and I saw a block remove. And so I punched underneath me and I suddenly wasn’t freezing anymore, but I still froze to death and I lost all my stuff. Oh no. And then one time I fell through the snow into a cave.

26:49 – 26:51
Oh, that’s a danger thing. Yeah.

26:51 – 26:51
Yeah. It

26:51 – 26:53
happens. What the heck?

26:54 – 27:01
Leather boots help. When did leather boots ever matter in their life? Huh. That’s

27:01 – 27:03
interesting. It’s somewhat funny because

27:03 – 27:06
nobody ever made leather armor in their life. I

27:06 – 27:08
was like, I’m skipping to the, you know,

27:08 – 27:18
cows are for food and leathers for trading with, uh, villagers. It’s, it’s making books, right? That’s true. We got to get them in chance.

27:18 – 27:31
Go on. Anyway, the story doesn’t end the here, however, because cousins came over a few months later and I told them the story I just told you. in true middle school fashion. But instead of trembling and acting scared, he just laughed at me.

27:31 – 27:41
Yeah. Because it was just a normal eight-year-old dream. But shocked, I just asked, what’s so funny? It’s scary, not funny.

27:41 – 28:01
But he was laughing too hard to answer. Thinking he was a little crazy and not catching on that I was the crazy one, I told the same nightmare, quote unquote, to some other friends with the same reaction. It was from then on, I realized nobody cared that I was scared. And from that point forward to solve my problem, I didn’t go to therapy.

28:01 – 28:08
I didn’t buy lemons lemons. I didn’t turn into a bat and flow away though. I wish I could have. What I did was far less dramatic.

28:08 – 28:18
I got a dream catcher. Oh, it actually works. And the only other memorable nightmare happened when I was away from my dream catcher. Wow.

28:20 – 28:25
I don’t think they work, but if you want to think they work, you think they work. Yeah. They’re pretty.

28:26 – 28:32
They are pretty. I just put a fly trap over my bed and that catches everything.

28:32 – 28:39
I just make sure I take a big crap before I go to sleep. Fixes everything. In bed? Yeah.

28:40 – 28:43
That is a nightmare. Okay. Old people joke. You ready?

28:44 – 28:53
Yeah. Heard this. I told you this actually, I think, but I don’t think I read it on the show. This was on a Johnny Carson Tonight Show in 1973.

28:54 – 29:04
And this old man sits down. He’s a famous comedian and actor. Walter Matthau. Walter Matthau.

29:04 – 29:19
He’s like, my wife told me not to tell a toilet joke, but I’m going to anyway. And he said this. He said, there were three old guys sitting in a convalescent home. And they were talking and one of them says, man, I wish I could just do a solid number one.

29:19 – 29:36
Just a good solid stream, nice and satisfying. That would make my day. And old man number two said, well, I wish I could do a nice solid number two, you know, without all the grunting and cussing. I could just squeeze it out nice and fresh.

29:36 – 29:52
It would be great if I could just do a good number two. And the third guy’s like, guys, I don’t know. I do a nice solid number one at 7.03 every morning. It comes out like Niagara Falls.

29:53 – 30:08
It is wonderful. And I do at 7.10, I do the most solid number two ever. It’s like a volcano erupting down there. And they’re like, well, what are you complaining about?

30:08 – 30:32
He says, well, I don’t wake up till 9.30. Oh, yeah, we funny full-time our jokes our humor used to be mainstream John back in 1973 It’ll come around again. It’ll come around well Joe Rogan look out. That’s right.

30:32 – 30:42
Anyway, the moral of this guy’s story is a lava chair. People don’t care one bit when you have a nightmare. Solving it is simple. Do what I did instead of see a therapist.

30:42 – 31:00
No, the moral of the story is that you don’t have a sad story. You have a hilarious story. And so quit telling it to your friends to try to get sympathy and start telling it and letting them laugh at you. That’s a lot better.

31:01 – 31:02
You don’t need therapy.

31:03 – 31:03
No,

31:03 – 31:18
not for a lot of dream. No. I mean, I had a dream where a freaking invisible serial killer was chasing me and I was, got scared of a credit card that he had in his pocket. You know, that’s, that’s more therapy needed than, than lava going uphill.

31:18 – 31:20
Yeah.

31:22 – 31:28
I mean, his mom saved him. It’d be one thing if she said, screw you, I’m out of here and jumped out the window and left. That would be,

31:29 – 31:32
or, or the lava touches your feet and burns them off.

31:32 – 31:32
Yeah.

31:32 – 31:33
And then.

31:33 – 31:34
Then you need therapy.

31:34 – 31:35
That’s yeah.

31:35 – 31:48
Cause you wake up and your feet are gone. Oh. They’re just black and stubs. then you need doctor and therapy and some sort of paranormal extractionist.

31:48 – 31:54
Yeah. Yeah. Because you might be stuck in that dream where like with Freddy Krueger.

31:54 – 31:58
Yes. Yes. Freddy. Um, speaking of dream catchers.

31:58 – 32:02
Okay. So they’re supposed to filter out the bad dreams. That’s what I’ve heard. They were very popular for a

32:02 – 32:02
while.

32:03 – 32:05
Yeah. Right. So I think it’s from native

32:05 – 32:05
American.

32:05 – 32:06
Yes.

32:06 – 32:07
Yes. Something or other.

32:07 – 32:16
Yes. Um, so my question would be, Is it like a filter? Obviously it is. So do, how do you know when it’s full and needs to be replaced?

32:16 – 32:21
Is it every three months like an air conditioner or what’s the deal? How do you know?

32:22 – 32:22
Yeah.

32:22 – 32:23
How would you imagine? You can’t

32:23 – 32:26
really see the dreams in the dream catcher.

32:27 – 32:37
You have to have a certain amount of beads. Maybe it, maybe it exfoliates the dreams. I don’t know. I would just, if I was into that, I would need a fresh one.

32:39 – 32:47
About every time I changed my sheets, which is about every three months. Oh. Yeah. I like them when they’re nice and slick.

32:48 – 33:01
When all the sheets? Yeah. When all of the, the, the hair, I mean, the body juices have melded in and my, my pillow turns brown from all my earwax. You don’t, you don’t change your sheets.

33:02 – 33:02
You throw them away.

33:04 – 33:07
You get new sheets every three months. That’s how it’s done. Yeah.

33:08 – 33:15
Yeah. I found a pair of earbuds the other day. Really? They turned up in my pocket.

33:17 – 33:29
I have pixel buds and I had two of them, two pixel buds. I opened one of them up, they’re black. I’m like, those aren’t mine. I opened the other one, they’re white, they’re mine.

33:29 – 33:36
I’m like, where did I pick up this second? Obviously it was somewhere on a desk somewhere. I thought it was mine. I grabbed it, picked it up.

33:37 – 33:50
I pulled them out, because I’m like, I used to have older Pixel Buds, maybe they’re those, but they’re not, because these things have freaking earwax all in every crevice. Turn it

33:50 – 33:51
into a candle.

33:51 – 34:02
So I put them back in and pretended I didn’t notice, and I went to work and said, has anybody lost these? And nobody had said they did. So then I let loose with, good, because they’re very well used.

34:03 – 34:05
They’re definitely not claiming.

34:05 – 34:12
No, no, they’re nasty. They’re so gross, dude. I quit carrying them around. I stole them from somebody.

34:13 – 34:18
I’m going to Hades, but I tried to give them back. I did. Anyway, John, tell us a story.

34:19 – 34:26
I’ll tell you a story. It comes to us from Matt and Osler. Osler. I’d say Osler.

34:27 – 34:31
Osler. Yeah. Saskatchewan, Saskatchewan, Canada.

34:31 – 34:31
All

34:32 – 34:46
right. And let me just say, I’m really, I’m really happy, uh, Matt, that you sent this story in because with all the political stuff going on in this world, I felt like Canada hated us. And, or, or still hates us

34:47 – 34:47
or

34:47 – 34:47
something.

34:47 – 35:04
You know, what’s funny about that is I was going to refresh our Canada’s hat thing and, and kind of launch an attack against Canada. What? But then I saw the crap on the news and I’m like, I can’t, we can’t do that. People will think,

35:05 – 35:06
That we

35:06 – 35:26
were being political. We love Canada and we, we make fun of Canada because we love them and that’s what we do, but I can’t right now. So what I decided to do instead, instead of hating Canada, we’re going to hate Norwegia, Norwegia, Norway. Yeah.

35:28 – 35:33
Because they produced the lady that yelled at me at Disney world.

35:35 – 35:35
Wait,

35:36 – 35:44
that’s going to be our ride. Ryle, our arch enemies from Norway, Norway, Norwegians, man. But I thought Norwegians were

35:44 – 35:44
really nice.

35:44 – 35:45
They are. They are

35:45 – 35:46
Disney.

35:46 – 35:56
I looked them up on YouTube. I follow a couple of them now. Um, they take me on tours of their beautiful country, but I hate, I hate them all. Oh, because of this one mean lady.

35:58 – 36:00
All right then. Yep. Sorry,

36:00 – 36:13
Alita. This show is standing in opposition to Norway. Are you with me or not? Do I have to pick a side?

36:13 – 36:16
You have to pick a side now, John, now.

36:16 – 36:19
All right, then I’m with you.

36:20 – 36:31
Yay! Crossing your fingers, you loser. Anyway, tell us the story from Saint-Germain, Canada. And yes, I’m glad that you like us too, because we love Canadians.

36:31 – 36:32
And for the record,

36:32 – 36:45
because we might be brothers and sisters soon. You know, when we take over, I’m kidding. I’m joking, joking on the 51st. Although I honestly, I love you guys so much.

36:45 – 36:47
I’d love to have you. I really would. I

36:47 – 36:48
love,

36:48 – 36:48
I

36:48 – 37:01
would like to offer a trade actually. Yeah. If, if I were a politician, I would say we will trade you these States. And we will take a, and we’ll trade you for some of your provinces.

37:01 – 37:04
Yeah. Yeah. So what would they be? Which ones would you give away?

37:04 – 37:09
Oh, I, I, I would have to keep that a secret because people would think I’m getting,

37:09 – 37:16
I’d say they could have California. I’ll just say that right now. We got a lot of California. We love California.

37:16 – 37:22
We do. I don’t hate the people of California. I just think it has every biome and that’s not fair. It has every biome.

37:22 – 37:24
It does. Yeah.

37:24 – 37:26
It’s got the ocean biome. Desert. It’s got the

37:27 – 37:27
mountains.

37:27 – 37:30
Desert. Mountains. Cities. Beautiful state.

37:30 – 37:32
Forests. I don’t

37:32 – 37:39
know that I could trade that one. Yeah. I was thinking one of the, uh, uh, states that nobody realizes it’s a state like Rhode Island,

37:40 – 37:44
Rhode Island, dude. All right. Why is what I ask? Why is that even a state?

37:45 – 37:53
Somebody owed somebody money back 300 years ago or whatever. Can we have a state around my house? Yeah, sure. Okay.

37:53 – 37:58
Well, I’m going to measure out five blocks each way and that’s our state. Yeah. It’s called Rhode Island. Yeah.

37:59 – 38:04
It’s a, it’s an Island road basically. Yeah. Okay. I don’t know.

38:04 – 38:16
Fair enough. I think, I think here’s the thing I do think is if we do add like Greenland, I heard there, there’s a rumor about Greenland becoming a state. It’s going to throw off the flag, right? It is.

38:16 – 38:22
From a graphic designer perspective, it’s going to throw off the flag. So what we do is we merge the Carolinas.

38:24 – 38:24
Oh, there you go.

38:25 – 38:31
Or the Virginias. Yeah. Or the Dakotas. Or get rid of the Rhode Island completely.

38:32 – 38:34
Right. And then we don’t have to change the stars.

38:34 – 38:43
Right. Kenneth, thank you so much for sending the story. Here’s the story from Matt. Dear James and John, greetings from the very frigid America’s hat.

38:43 – 38:50
Aw. Yeah. I have enjoyed many hours of your banter and stories. And so I feel that it is time to share one of my own.

38:50 – 38:56
Yes. Yes, it is about time. Thank you, Matt. You may need to pull up a garbage can.

38:56 – 39:00
Oh, crap. Yep. You’re ready, James. You got one close by.

39:00 – 39:03
It’s

39:03 – 39:05
over there. You can, you can,

39:06 – 39:11
it’s out of reach. I used to have one. Oh, I don’t have a Yeti mug. Dadgummit.

39:12 – 39:17
Dude, all I have is this protein shake. Look at that hole. That’s not enough to puke into. I

39:17 – 39:17
won’t fit.

39:18 – 39:18
No.

39:18 – 39:19
Okay.

39:19 – 39:19
All

39:19 – 39:21
right. I’ll read it in such a way that maybe-

39:21 – 39:26
I haven’t read this one, so I’m going to look away from the screen so I don’t see it. Okay.

39:26 – 39:41
Well, Matt says, as the saying goes, to be forewarned is to be forearmed, so have your garbage can ready. Now, where to begin? I was at a Christmas family gathering of about 40 people using a kids camp facility. Oh,

39:41 – 39:43
okay. I thought that was the gross part.

39:43 – 39:45
Sorry. That is a gross part.

39:45 – 39:45
Kids

39:45 – 39:46
camp.

39:46 – 39:48
For a family gathering.

39:49 – 39:55
I have trauma. I’m the one that needs a therapist. Probably bubble gum. Both of us are former children’s pastors.

39:55 – 39:59
We, Oh yeah. Children’s youth camp. Anyway.

40:00 – 40:13
Yeah. I have still have PTSD from all that. But anyway, I still have P in some of my stuff from that. Uh, the septic system froze because of the negative 40 degree weather.

40:14 – 40:19
Good night. How does that happen? I mean, I know how it happens scientifically, but

40:19 – 40:24
I’ve never heard of that freezing. I’ve always heard of water freezing, but not the sewer line

40:24 – 40:53
septic. Now I have, I’ve been to, um, that state up in Alaska and they don’t bury their sewer lines. They, they’re in like these padded above ground special systems because it, no, in the Northern parts of Alaska, it freezes so bad that you have to have it above ground and they, keep it, they have to warm it some. And it sounds like a jet plane when you flush a toilet there.

40:53 – 40:59
Awesome. Like on an airplane. Yeah. I have no idea where it sends it, how it gets there, but.

41:00 – 41:15
It’s getting fast and it’s getting warmed. I like that idea actually. If I was, if I was laying a baby, a little, little, a little Brownie, Uh, in the toilet bread, man. Yeah.

41:15 – 41:25
A little gingerbread man. I would want to know that he was getting there safe and sound Brown. Yeah. He’s getting baked as he plumps when you cook them, you know?

41:25 – 41:25
So,

41:26 – 41:37
uh, because the negative 40 degree weather, everything had froze up. So being a bit of a handyman and also friends with the camp director, I had spent the evening thawing the pipe that drained sewage into a holding pond.

41:37 – 41:37
Hmm.

41:38 – 41:46
I don’t even want to imagine how you heat, how you saw that pipe out. You get a blow dryer or you actually have to build a fire under

41:46 – 41:46
it.

41:46 – 41:52
You have to hug it. Put some blankies on it. You get some blankies on it. Yeah.

41:53 – 42:15
Well, um, sawed the pipes, uh, plunged the toilets filled with, well, you know what? And finally mopping up floors that had been flooded by water from backed up toilets. Though this could be a story in and of itself, I wrote this only to introduce you to the room of horror that I would enter just three short hours later. Oh no.

42:16 – 42:27
Oh no. Just after falling asleep, I woke up to my teenage son, Timothy. Yes, the same Tim that said to his younger brother, watch this. Anyways, he said, Dad, I just puked.

42:27 – 42:48
So I asked, did you hit the toilet? And when he said yes, I followed up with, did you make a mess on the toilet? He answered, only a bit. So being a responsible father, I got up and found the mops and rags and industrial cleaning supplies that I had used only hours earlier and headed off to help clean up the mess.

42:49 – 42:54
I would have handed it to my son and said, go for it. Yeah,

42:54 – 42:54
I would too. But

42:54 – 42:56
that’s different kind of parenting, isn’t it?

42:56 – 42:58
God, I smell sewage for some reason

42:58 – 42:58
right now.

43:03 – 43:09
I literally smell sewage right now. I don’t know what’s going on. Is it smell frozen? No.

43:09 – 43:09
Cause

43:09 – 43:14
it’s like 19 up there where you’re at, right? Yeah. Frozen sewage.

43:15 – 43:24
But you know, when it’s like very slight and you know, it’s been around recently, you know, like you walk in a bathroom about 10 minutes after somebody dropped the deuce. That’s what I’m smelling right now.

43:24 – 43:26
It’s like the after effects.

43:26 – 43:32
Like when you’ve walked past a Porta John. Mm, yeah. On a hot day? Yeah.

43:32 – 43:38
You get the whiff? Not in it, but just past it. It’s just the slightest thing and it’s turned to my stomach. So let’s get through this.

43:38 – 44:06
Oh, let’s go. Okay. Having been to many large family gatherings where the flu has been passed around like a hot potato, I felt that I was well prepared for a little bit of puke on the toilet. Entering the stall a dry heave hit me hard or there Before me was a toilet seat down with what looked like pasta sauce covering the seat back dripping down the sides of the toilet and across the floor and And james even on the wall.

44:07 – 44:14
Oh, no It was everywhere, too A bit. Only a bit. Only a bit.

44:14 – 44:21
Okay. Well here, get, get that thing ready. Yeah. I would, I would get a dictionary and like, look up a bit, son.

44:22 – 44:25
A bit. Yeah. That’s it. That’s the next thing, Tim.

44:25 – 44:26
I think you

44:26 – 44:26
meant

44:26 – 44:26
L O

44:26 – 44:32
T a lot. A lot. Not a bit. I think maybe there’s a misspelling.

44:34 – 44:45
Matt continues being chunky. I knew this would not simply mop up. So I slopped up the quote unquote spaghetti sauce.

44:46 – 44:50
Oh, he said he did it with paper towels by hand. He, he gave me a PS on that.

44:51 – 44:52
Oh, okay. Okay.

44:52 – 45:00
I didn’t know the context, but now I do. So that’s how he did it. The mop wasn’t going to work. So he freaking used paper towels by hand.

45:00 – 45:05
Paper towels. Oh yeah. Okay. All right.

45:06 – 45:08
I’m just keeping a straight face because I still take a

45:08 – 45:29
little sip here. I slopped up the spaghetti sauce taking breaks when I felt that I would personally fill said toilet with my own leftovers. Thankfully I had a solution to make it through this little bit of mess. I kept telling myself, I’m going to write that story show.

45:29 – 45:35
Okay. Can you imagine that? The only reason he’s like down there slopping that crud

45:35 – 45:36
up. He’s going to

45:36 – 45:43
make a good show. This is going to that story show. I’m going to make those guys vomit. They’re going to vomit in their own mouths while they read my story.

45:43 – 45:47
Honestly, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I mean, it’s gross. It’s puke

45:47 – 45:49
and. It’s not done yet, but.

45:49 – 45:50
Oh gosh, really?

45:50 – 45:51
We’re past the bad part.

45:51 – 45:52
Okay.

45:52 – 46:02
All right. Yeah. Just gross anyways, thank you for being there when I needed you the most matt from pronounced. Oh sleep Saskatchewan canada ps.

46:02 – 46:25
I hope it makes it on the show. Oh And pps, uh, or pss Or pas, I don’t know what what happens after ps but this is it james It’s encouraging to listen over the years and hear of the hard-fought battles and victory you have achieved When there is radio silence, I pray for you and your family. And when you’re back, I smile.

46:25 – 46:26
Keep up the good fight, run the race.

46:27 – 46:30
Awesome. Thank you. Thank you for that. Yes.

46:32 – 46:41
We love our people. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We don’t have the best podcast in the world, but we have the best podcast listeners. This story is from David in Portland, Oregon.

46:41 – 46:48
It’s called Burn Butt. And I did read this one. It’s hilarious. My friend had a cabin on a mountain that we ski on as did he.

46:49 – 46:58
I was sleeping over for a while, but during the night, I would get so cold, we would make a fire in the furnace to make the house warm before we went to sleep because it had no heating.

46:59 – 46:59
Yeah.

46:59 – 47:13
Welcome to the old days. My friend said that his butt was cold and jokingly put his butt close to the fire to warm it up. I was laughing, and then I heard him yell, oh, and run a few steps. I

47:14 – 47:14
asked

47:14 – 47:34
him what happened, still laughing, and he said, my butt got too close. I looked at the glass on the front of the furnace and there was a piece of his pants burned onto it. Then I started laughing even more and he started laughing too and pointed at his butt and said, there’s a hole. Of course there is, but he also meant in his jeans.

47:35 – 47:36
In his pants.

47:36 – 47:43
Me and him laughed and laughed and still now there is a burned piece of pants on the furnace. A

47:45 – 47:46
bragger.

47:48 – 47:54
I got too close! There’s a hole! There’s a hole in my butt!

47:55 – 47:56
Of course there is.

47:56 – 48:00
There’s two holes in your butt, sir. Yeah. Well, let’s do one more story.

48:00 – 48:05
Okay. This, I’ll read this one in front of me. How about that? Okay.

48:05 – 48:06
This is from Nathan in

48:07 – 48:15
Booger Hollow, Arkansas. And that’s what happens when you don’t include your hometown. I picked the worst hometown in your state. And I put it in there

48:16 – 48:29
and now Nathan is from booger hollow. Yes, Arkansas So I I could you imagine like we we just declared it to be and now this town’s name has changed to booger hollow Yeah, or maybe his location.

48:29 – 48:34
There are people that live in that actual town and he is now one of them So

48:34 – 48:40
that’s that’s great. Can you imagine? Anyways, I won’t imagine it but that’s a terrible name for

48:40 – 48:47
a town terrible. Where’d you guys meet? um Well, uh, we’ve been married about 24 years. I know that’s not what I asked.

48:47 – 48:56
I asked, where did you guys meet? You know, we, we met in high school. Uh, that’s what high school. Oh, you know, Oh, what?

48:57 – 49:00
Couldn’t quite make it. What? Burger? What?

49:00 – 49:13
We went to booger hollow high. All right. B-H-H go boogers. What’s their math snot?

49:16 – 49:16
Yes.

49:17 – 49:20
Yes. All right. Okay. All right.

49:20 – 49:23
Here we go. I’m going to Hades. That’s a, that’s title.

49:23 – 49:24
Not just for that

49:24 – 49:28
joke. No, no, this is, this is for his story.

49:28 – 49:29
Okay.

49:29 – 49:35
I’m going to Hades. He says, ah, yes. Valentine’s day. The day we all spend money because of love.

49:35 – 49:42
Right? Yeah. Like most guys, I was buying stuff for my wife on the day of. Yes.

49:43 – 49:46
The best place around where I live is Walmart. It’s the

49:47 – 49:47
most romantic

49:47 – 49:48
place

49:48 – 49:49
around. That’s for sure. Yeah.

49:52 – 50:11
Upon entering, I saw they had their flowers set right up and the front entrance impossible to miss. However, my wife and I agreed a long time ago not to buy each other flowers. They say that buying flowers is a symbol of love, watching them grow together. But for us, flowers always die and wither and end up in the trash.

50:12 – 50:24
Not exactly a great metaphor for our love. Right. So I skipped the flowers and opted for a card and some chocolate. On the way out the door greeter, an older woman said, Hey, don’t forget the flowers.

50:25 – 50:32
While scrutinizing my one Walmart bag. Yeah. How dare you, Walmart greeter. Yeah.

50:32 – 50:54
Can’t, can’t just look at that and say that you’re not being sensitive and manly enough by anyways, as a Christian man, I should have simply spent five minutes or more explaining why I didn’t buy any flowers, but I didn’t want to have a conversation. So I just wanted to grab my stuff and get out the door instead. I said the first thing that came to mind. Flowers are at home.

50:55 – 51:08
This seemed to be an acceptable answer for her. However, only the Lord and I knew that there weren’t any flowers at home. None. I’m going to heck for lying to the door greeter.

51:12 – 51:14
And anyway, that’s my baptized story.

51:14 – 51:19
That’s a great one. I like that. You’re going to Hades. You’re going to

51:19 – 51:21
Hades for lying

51:21 – 51:21
to the

51:21 – 51:23
Walmart greeter lady.

51:23 – 51:38
The equivalent of the church lady at Walmart, you know? She’s just all up in your business. She’s there to make sure that you ain’t walking out with stuff on the receipt that ain’t there, you know? And she’s getting a little bit too personal.

51:39 – 51:47
And she’s like, don’t forget the flowers. Don’t you forget them flowers, flowers. And then kind of winking at the wife. Wink, wink.

51:47 – 51:49
Don’t you want some flowers?

51:50 – 51:54
Yeah. No, he was there by himself. Oh, oh, oh. He was shopping by himself.

51:54 – 51:54
That’s right.

51:54 – 52:03
So she was trying to be, you know, his conscience and like you get some flowers for your wife, little, little man, get them flowers, get them

52:03 – 52:12
flowers for your, for your wife. I don’t have a good relationship with Walmart greeters. Do I? No, you don’t.

52:12 – 52:12
You’ve had some

52:13 – 52:13
experiences.

52:13 – 52:32
Yeah. I mean, one time in Florida, um, I was like trying to get into a Walmart. it come turn to find out this Walmart near our house in Florida was unanimously voted the most busiest Walmart in America. I didn’t know that in America, in America, it’s most frequent.

52:33 – 52:56
It had, it had a parking lot the size of a football stadium. I mean, it was massive and like layers of it, you know, layers and streets running between them and stuff. Uh, So I go in there and I go to get a cart like you do, right? And this old man with the blue vest screams at me, get behind the line.

52:58 – 53:11
I’ll bring one to you. And I was like, Where’s the sign? Where’s the sign that says that I would have so mad. I just screaming at him.

53:11 – 53:22
Where’s the sign? I’d never, I saw the line, but I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed past it. Apparently in this high volume Walmart, they had a man that would give you a cart and

53:22 – 53:23
he would

53:23 – 53:39
scream at you if you stepped across his freaking line. And so I went inside with my little tiny daughter of about four years old. I’m like, dadgummit, I was bad. I felt guilty anyway, but I was bad in front of my daughter.

53:39 – 53:49
I’ve got to make this right. And I went back to him. And I said, sir, I was yelling at you earlier and I’m sorry. And he goes, and I was done.

53:49 – 53:55
I just left. He didn’t remember me from Adam. He probably yells at a million people a day and gets yelled back at a million

53:55 – 53:56
people.

53:57 – 54:15
But then, then there was the lady. at Costco that I was trying to talk to, and she started giving me attitude like immediately and wasn’t listening to me and talked over me. And I was like, you’re not listening. And she stopped everything she was doing and glared at me and said, what can I help you with, sir?

54:15 – 54:28
And I said, screw you. And I just left. And I got in the truck and I’m like, I just told the lady behind the counter, screw you. And my wife’s like, no, you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t do things like that.

54:28 – 54:28
James

54:28 – 54:29
Costco.

54:29 – 54:42
I’m like, you don’t understand what she did. And I told her this story. I told her that I went up there and she wasn’t listening and she was in the wrong. And she looked at me and she made fun of me and I said it and I’m not okay.

54:42 – 54:58
I am sorry. So I pulled around and went back in there and I went to the lady and I said, I don’t know if you remember this, but a minute ago I told you, screw you. I said something very rude and I apologize. I was wrong and you shouldn’t be treated that way.

54:59 – 55:11
And, uh, without accepting any guilt on her part, or apologizing in return. She said, well, thank you. And she reached out her hand and let me shake it. And we were at peace and we walked away and we were fine.

55:12 – 55:18
Except I still had a little bitterness in my heart. Well, you were wrong too. You were wrong too. Freaking screw you lady.

55:18 – 55:28
Screw you just inside my heart. And Jesus says that’s where it matters most. And so I’m still a sinner and I’m going to Hades too. So there we go.

55:30 – 55:31
Oh, for the Walmart.

55:31 – 55:34
Anyway, let’s announce who wins the skibbity toilet collectible.

55:35 – 55:35
Okay.

55:35 – 55:42
Um, let’s say that it goes to burned butt. burn butt. Yeah. I

55:43 – 55:50
love that story. That was, that was to the point. And you know what? He might need something to heal his burn up.

55:50 – 55:50
Yeah.

55:51 – 56:00
Yeah. Skibbity is going to David from Portland, Oregon. All you have to do to claim it is to write in. And, uh, we do have a couple of other announcements.

56:00 – 56:17
One of them is we’re going to be giving away another Skibbity toilet collectible soon. I don’t know that it’ll be next week because next week, We got a little something for the ladies. Oh, you can win a very super cute stitch coin purse with two nerd lip glosses in it. Wow.

56:18 – 56:36
Nerds candies, lip glosses, and they’re super cute. I would eat it instead of putting it on my lips. And I got them at a Hobby Lobby and it does the stitch coin purse has stitches face on the front and it’s a little, it’s a little furry. It’s very cute.

56:36 – 56:48
And it has a zipper on the top. And, uh, so send in your best stories and, uh, we’ll give one away to a young lady next week. Uh, always hang out and stay tuned. Remember to claim your sticker.

56:48 – 57:04
If you heard your story on the show, this podcast is possible and everything we do is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patrion supporting listeners, get ad-free listening, swag, and weekly bonus content called stuff we couldn’t fit on the show. And it is banging, right, John? Yes. It’s the best.

57:25 – 57:36
We’ll see you guys next week. Submit your story at ThatStoryShow.com. While you’re there, join our mailing list for the latest updates. And please take a moment to leave a review on iTunes or Spotify.

57:37 – 57:46
And remember, when something weird, annoying, or embarrassing, or painful happens to you, don’t get stressed. Don’t get depressed. Just say, you know what? This puke story’s going on That Story Show.

57:46 – 57:51
We’ll see you guys next time. Bye. Bye, John.

57:52 – 57:52
Bye, James.

57:58 – 58:09
Break it down. Okay, here we go. Well, I had a dream the other night. Lava going up, so what a horrible flight.

58:09 – 58:25
I was in my room. My mom said, grab a chair. I didn’t know what she was onto, but I got one from there. And I handed it to mom, and she stuck it under the door like they do in the movies that we’ve all seen before.

58:26 – 59:00
And the lava came uphill, and it came into the door, but it stopped. cause mom was amazing that’s what for she was great and i woke up scared as i could be i thought i was so scared that i needed therapy i started telling my friends because i thought they would complain that i was stupid and i had a dumb eight-year-old brain but they kept laughing they didn’t feel sorry i You’re laughing too hardy. I can’t finish this joke now.

59:00 – 59:13
I can’t go anywhere because, uh, all I can say is I am covered with gray facial hair. Why did you laugh so hard? You threw off my groove. I’m so sorry.

59:14 – 59:14
And that was

59:14 – 59:19
all free form too. Yes. Yes. Cause you hadn’t even heard the story.

59:22 – 59:23
I do apologize.

59:23 – 59:31
No, I just, I was so thrilled that I saw you disappear from the screen and then I couldn’t do it anymore. I had much more in me, but

59:32 – 59:33
where’d it go?

59:33 – 59:39
Where’d it go? It just went out the window is what happened. So. Oh, at least you got it on tape.

59:39 – 59:43
Yeah. Get more from that story show today, support.thatstorieshow.com.