00:00 – 00:16
This is that story show where we have strong opinions about bowls. And rightly so. Hey, podcast people. I’m your host.

00:16 – 00:17
My name is James Kettison.

00:18 – 00:19
And I am John Steinklauber.

00:20 – 00:26
Yeah. We got a lot of stories to tell you today, but we’re not going to tell you about them today. We’re just going to tell you stories. Welcome.

00:26 – 00:34
If it’s your first time to the show, thank you for showing up. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoy yourself. We share funny life stories from all over the world.

00:34 – 00:37
People send them in and we share them. It’s pretty much it.

00:37 – 00:43
Yep. Yeah. It’s just retelling stories. Like it’s like a popular thing, I feel like on.

00:43 – 00:44
I mean, we’ve been doing this a long

00:44 – 00:45
time. Right.

00:45 – 00:52
But I’m seeing like all these clips and shorts and stuff of these dudes reading stories. I’m like, yep, that’s what James and I do.

00:52 – 00:55
That’s right. Yeah. So, hey, anyway,

00:56 – 00:59
y’all are story hipsters for our long time listeners. That’s right.

01:00 – 01:07
Opening story. We always do 1. This is Emily from Edmond, OK, OK, Oklahoma. OK.

01:07 – 01:32
Emily was reading Dante’s Inferno in her homeschool co-op. And Dante’s Inferno follows Dante’s journey through the 9 circles of hell, guided by the poet Virgil, as he witnesses the punishment of sinners and explores themes of justice, sin and redemption. Okay. So Dante apparently is moving from 1 circle of Hades to another, and the demons lead the way.

01:32 – 01:43
So as a salute to their leader, they stick their tongues out. And in return, the leader. Well, let’s just read it. Let’s just read it.

01:43 – 02:02
Dante’s Inferno. If thou art as observant as thy want is, Dost thou not see that they do gnash their teeth and with their bows are threatening woe to us? And he said to me, I will not have the fear. Let them gnash on according to their fancy because they do it for those boiling wretches.

02:03 – 02:26
Apparently some wretches were boiling along the left hand dyke they wheeled about. But first had each 1 thrust out his tongue between his teeth toward their leader for a signal. And he made a trumpet of his rump. I fervently beseech the fates that it doth find its place upon yon stage.

02:28 – 02:38
So thank you so much, Emily, for sharing Dante with us. We’re cultured. I’ve never read that story. Obviously.

02:39 – 02:43
Now you got it. Now I got it because now

02:43 – 02:44
I got to know

02:44 – 02:52
the context. What’s the trumpet of his rump? He farted. That was how that’s how he returned the signal.

02:52 – 03:11
You know, if you if you want to salute the king in that circle of Hades, you stick your tongue out between your teeth. And if he is If he is saluting back, he trumpets. I think that needs to

03:11 – 03:21
be brought back into the military. Can you Imagine everybody saluting the president or the general. Yeah, that’d be a lot of work.

03:22 – 03:31
I bet about 50% of the country would love to salute the president like that. So 48%. I don’t know. I don’t know what the odds were.

03:31 – 03:39
But anyway, let’s let’s rewind the week. Where’s my button? Where’s my freaking button? There it is.

03:42 – 03:59
All right. So this 1 I’ve been holding on to for a while because I kept forgetting about it. But back in October, I bought a truck and I went to pick it up and we were walking out to the truck and it was dark and it was the night before Halloween, I think. Yeah.

04:00 – 04:14
And so as we’re walking out, the salesman, he wasn’t my salesman. He was just a salesman. He was there to give me my keys and give me my truck. And so we’re walking out and he goes, you guys got any Halloween plans?

04:14 – 04:23
And I said, well, I’m looking forward to getting in my new truck costume. Dumb joke, you know, this dumb little joke. My wife smiled. You know, she got it.

04:23 – 04:25
I get it. Yeah. But he did not.

04:25 – 04:26
Oh no,

04:26 – 04:36
he did not. He just laughed and We got in the car truck and he’s like, yeah, a truck costume. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of. You need to send a picture of that to Gerald.

04:37 – 04:52
You’re, you’re, you know, my salesman, he would love that. Well have fun in your, in your truck costume. And, I just kind of wonder what happened later. You know, when he said, you know what, I, your customer told me about his, he’s getting into a truck costume.

04:52 – 04:56
He’s like, hey, you moron. He was talking about the truck.

04:56 – 05:00
Oh, yeah. The 1 that he’s wearing as he drives away.

05:00 – 05:08
So it’s still a thing now. My wife’s like, are you about to get in your truck costume? Yep. Yep.

05:09 – 05:17
This is a nice, this is a nice truck costume. Thank you for letting me wear it with you. Okay. It’s a, it’s a 2 person costume.

05:18 – 05:28
Yeah. It’s special. It’s to the front and back, it’s left and right, you know. Anyway, that’s what I’ve been holding on to for a little while, my dumb salesman.

05:29 – 05:33
Well, There’s nothing wrong with that because I’ve been holding on to 1 for a little while too.

05:33 – 05:40
Yeah a trumpet or a weekly update I Was gonna salute you man

05:41 – 06:12
No My weekly update is actually Well, so I’ll just tell you and I’ll let you guess which holiday it was around. Okay. I often drive into my driveway unobstructed without any kinds of concerns or anything. And the other day, the other day I was pulling in and I noticed there is some trash at the bottom of my driveway.

06:12 – 06:21
And I’m like, you know, it happens. I live out in the country. Sometimes people just, it blows out of the back of their truck when they’re taking it. That’s what I’m thinking, you know, they’re not throwing out on purpose.

06:21 – 06:25
How much trash is this? Is it like a trash bag full or is it just?

06:25 – 06:33
No, it’s not even a bag full. It’s a single container. It’s a single, it was a pie box.

06:33 – 06:33
Okay.

06:34 – 06:49
You know, like, you know, like the pre-made pies, like you get them at the grocery store, they’re frozen, you warm them up. Well, I thought, some punk, You know, trash blew out of their car. I’m going to take care of it. So I get out of the truck.

06:50 – 06:55
I actually, okay, I can’t lie. I left it there overnight. You were so mad.

06:58 – 07:00
You had to take care of it right away.

07:00 – 07:09
I’m like, dude, I’m getting off work. I don’t want to deal with this. So I’m on my way out the next morning. I’m like, I’ll go ahead and grab that and throw it in the trash at work.

07:09 – 07:20
Well, I get out and I pick it up and it’s got some weight to it Because there’s still a pie in it. And I was like, wait

07:20 – 07:28
a second, if I would have gotten this last night, it might have still been good. Was there a note or something? Did somebody drop it off? No.

07:29 – 07:51
This is what I think happened because I was postulating all sorts of ideas. I think that somebody in 1 of the neighborhoods off of our street probably was like going to a party. Because this time of year, you know, that time of year, Thanksgiving time, people go into parties and stuff like that. And I think they put it on the top of their car

07:51 – 07:53
Oh and drove away

07:53 – 07:58
it just got driving off and it just blew off and it got to my my house I

07:58 – 08:02
had gum it and they made that thing and everything and then it just not

08:02 – 08:11
it wasn’t made yet. Oh, it was it was a. And another reason why I probably wouldn’t have eaten it because it was a cheesecake pie.

08:11 – 08:12
Oh, wow. I mean,

08:12 – 08:16
I like cheese and I like cake, but I’m usually like them as a thing together.

08:16 – 08:17
Cheesecake is good.

08:17 – 08:20
It is, but it’s got it’s got to be a certain kind for me.

08:20 – 08:25
Well, it can’t be pie. I don’t know about that. I don’t know. I don’t know about that mess.

08:25 – 08:36
I’m guessing it was Thanksgiving on account. You said it was Thanksgiving. I was going to guess Christmas, but you said, you know, Thanksgiving time. And I’m like, yeah, that’s a clue.

08:36 – 08:44
I shall hold on to that for later. That’s what watching Blue’s Clues does for you is like, you know, you start hanging on to those little information bites and

08:44 – 08:50
writing them down on your little tablet or your pad. What did he call that thing? I don’t remember. Steve.

08:51 – 08:55
Oh, yeah. I don’t know what Steve here. I actually never watched these clothes.

08:55 – 08:58
I did. I never watched blue clothes either.

08:58 – 09:10
I don’t know. I did. I did watch at least 1 because I was very surprised to find out that Blue was a girl. Yeah.

09:10 – 09:13
So there’s me in my old fashioned ways.

09:13 – 09:18
You just assume Because everybody thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.

09:18 – 09:19
That’s not true.

09:20 – 09:29
Oh, what it’s it’s not true. Yeah, all dogs are not boys. They’re some of them are girls. That’s that’s a fact of life.

09:29 – 09:30
But there’s

09:33 – 09:33
No.

09:34 – 09:38
Yeah, did I? James, I don’t

09:40 – 09:57
Please don’t. I didn’t say anything about Santa. Oh It’s amazing. We went from dogs to God.

09:59 – 10:02
Once the Once the cards start falling, you know,

10:02 – 10:06
yeah, just go to Genesis 1 1. You’ll understand, you know,

10:06 – 10:23
yeah, it’s a whole lot of fun because that’s where it all started before the Red Sea parted before God told Noah or Abraham. He’d be the father of nation. Wait for Jesus came to redeem us in the beginning. God created the heavens and the earth.

10:23 – 10:29
Yeah, I used to be a children’s pastor. How can you tell? Anyway, we have never heard

10:29 – 10:32
that song. You obviously did that much longer than I did.

10:32 – 10:34
Genesis 1 1.

10:34 – 10:35
Yeah. Kudos to you.

10:35 – 10:46
A lot of fun. Anyway, we got a review from Family Share Frustration. 5 stars. Holsman Clean.

10:46 – 10:50
This show has made me feel at home in a wonderful community and now 19 years of podcasting

10:51 – 10:52
What

10:52 – 10:58
that’s where we’re at, bro. Are you serious? Yeah, we’re gonna be 20 in December of this year Oh

10:58 – 10:58
my goodness.

10:59 – 11:15
Yeah Wow James Kinnison and John Stile Clamber are the best people possible for this kind of podcast. And the fact that these 2 people happen to become host and co-host is perfect. I have been listening for 6 months and I am approaching the 400th episode. All of them worth my time.

11:15 – 11:32
I would suggest this podcast to anyone over the age of 13. If you are sure, if you’re not sure, give it a shot, but start at episode 1 and listen up for sure. It’s the best way to listen to that story show. I agree, but some people listen backwards.

11:33 – 11:34
It’s weird

11:34 – 11:34
to me. That’s

11:34 – 11:36
OK. But it’s like…

11:36 – 11:37
Sometimes they hop around, they hopscotch.

11:38 – 11:51
Yeah, but there’s a right way to watch Star Wars, you know, and backwards is never the way anybody argues. You know, there’s arguments. True. That whether you start with episode 1 or you start with episode 4.

11:51 – 11:59
There’s arguments all over the place if you even need all the prequels or not. But nobody’s out there shouting you need to watch them backwards.

12:00 – 12:06
No. And I guess we kind of started in the middle, didn’t we? So

12:06 – 12:07
you and I?

12:08 – 12:10
Well, watching Star Wars.

12:10 – 12:15
Oh, yeah. OK. That’s OK. Oh, the podcast we started in the middle.

12:15 – 12:19
I started at the beginning. You kind of started a little late, but

12:19 – 12:21
yeah. 103?

12:21 – 12:28
Something like that. Anyway, please leave us a review on iTunes or Spotify. It makes us really happy and it really helps the show. Review.thatstorieshow.com.

12:30 – 12:30
Thanks.

12:31 – 12:42
All right. So let’s do some featured stories. Let me tell y’all a story. Let me tell y’all a story.

12:42 – 12:49
This is from Mandy in Glenville, New York. Ever Since I was a little girl, it has been a dream of mine to own a potbellied pig.

12:51 – 12:55
That’s crazy. I’m not. Wait, let me rephrase that.

12:55 – 12:57
That’s a stupid dream, says John

12:57 – 12:58
Steinklau. No, I

12:58 – 13:05
don’t see that. I was like, that’s crazy because that’s a pig because it’s stupid. Feeding like

13:05 – 13:08
a dog or a cat or a guinea pig.

13:08 – 13:26
They are cute when they get started. But yeah, I’ve seen neighbors like I’ve lived around a neighbor long enough to see that joker grow. And there was times they let it in the house and then there’s a time he became a street pig. So yeah, like it hung around more than they wanted it to.

13:26 – 13:41
So anyway, in my dream that John says, stupid would live in. He would live in my house like a puppy and he would live happily ever after. And I had told everyone this dream. I had links saved on my computer for where to buy a pig when I was ready.

13:41 – 13:46
And when I was in my mid thirties, the day finally came. She had a long wait.

13:47 – 13:48
Wow.

13:48 – 14:00
Her whole childhood. A friend of mine had a potbellied pig that they were getting rid of. She had lived in their home for years and for some reason it was time for her to move on. A little foreshadowing there.

14:00 – 14:06
Why did they want to get rid of it? The price was right. And so I went to get her. You paid.

14:07 – 14:20
I was the head of a school at that point. And I had a school function that morning. And so I dressed in a nice blouse, dress pants and dress boots with heels. And I drove an hour to this house and I saw the pig.

14:20 – 14:43
Her name was Lucy and she was 80 pounds, big. When the family asked how I planned to get her home, I said, I assumed she’d just hop in the car with me like a dog. And they all looked at each other and then asked if I had food in a litter box. And I said, No, I didn’t get prepared at all because I didn’t know anything about the needs of black-bellied pig.

14:43 – 14:53
I just have dreams and plans, but no dreams. Yeah, dreams. There’s no knowledge, no wisdom about pigs. Thankfully, they gave me what I what they had.

14:54 – 14:55
They kept pushing me. I mean, they were

14:55 – 14:56
going to need it anymore.

14:56 – 15:05
Yeah, yeah. Just take everything just as long as you take this peg. We loaded in the trunk of my car and attempted to get Lucy in the back seat. We lifted her up into the seat.

15:05 – 15:08
Remember, she’s 80 pounds and I was on my way home.

15:08 – 15:08
Heavy.

15:09 – 15:17
Lucy did not like the car. She began pacing back and forth, falling over with every turn because she wouldn’t lay down turns out

15:17 – 15:18
that little tiny legs to

15:18 – 15:29
hooves don’t have much traction. Then she proceeded to pee and poop all over. So much potty in my car. I don’t think she meant the word potty.

15:31 – 15:33
Where’s the beep button when you need it?

15:35 – 15:35
You have hope.

15:35 – 15:36
That’s not it.

15:39 – 15:55
Anyway, after about 20 minutes of her doing this and not calming down at all, I thought I would pull over and get a blanket out of my trunk. Maybe if I laid it down in the seat, she would lay down and calm down. Well, then I opened the door to put the blanket in. She jumped out of the car and began to run around all over the road.

15:55 – 16:13
And it was a major road with cars honking all around Yelling all sorts of encouraging words to me. I began to chase Lucy all over the road, calling her name, but she would not come. And then I remembered the things that pigs like. They like food.

16:13 – 16:21
So I grabbed a cup of her food and began to shake it. And that got her attention. I left a trail of food like freaking E.T. Slowly leading back to the car.

16:21 – 16:33
And she was looking at me while I ate it. And so I kept my eyes on her talking to her in the baby way that you do to a pet. Afraid to look away and break the spell. And that’s when I heard sirens.

16:35 – 16:51
Here I am squatting down, leading my pig down the road and a police car pulls over. I didn’t want to look away from Lucy. She was in a trance and I didn’t want to break it. So I didn’t look up, but I saw shiny black boots appear in my peripheral vision and stop next to me.

16:51 – 17:05
I was mortified. That’s when a voice came from above, me saying, Mandy, the sheriff happened to be the dad of 1 of my students. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

17:05 – 17:19
Yeah, I wanted to burst out into song. He asked me what I plan to do. Once I reached the car with my trail of food, I had no actual idea. He used to work on a farm and he said he’d help me wrangle Lucy into the back of the car, which he did.

17:20 – 17:34
I am so thankful he showed up. The next 2 weeks were horrible. It turns out that pigs potty a lot, they crap a lot and they always want to eat. My house was trashed, absolutely trashed by this animal.

17:34 – 17:54
I will save you the details, but suffice to say that this dream was not going how I had hoped. I was able to sell Lucy to another owner and I have no idea what to happen to her from there on. I don’t even care. Pigs are still my favorite animal, but they’re an animal I will eat as bacon.

17:54 – 18:05
No, they’re an animal I can love from afar when I’m at the fair or a farm. It turns out that some dreams weren’t meant to come true. Oh, man. So sad.

18:05 – 18:05
Poor Mandy.

18:07 – 18:07
Oh, Mandy,

18:09 – 18:10
when you came and you stopped,

18:11 – 18:17
you came without bacon. But I sent you away. Oh, Mandy. Yeah.

18:18 – 18:22
Pigs were not meant for you. Anyway. Yeah.

18:24 – 18:27
Oh, that’s, that’s sad.

18:27 – 18:33
Most pets, if you could keep them as babies, they would be better. I mean, like, sometimes people are kind

18:33 – 18:34
of like

18:34 – 18:42
that, too. You keep them as babies. Yeah, that’s true, because they get onery when they have they get 2 and 3.

18:42 – 18:51
Grow up and they they turn into Teenagers and yeah, they just have opinions that are just out there and they don’t understand

18:51 – 19:05
and then they want pets sometimes When your pets want pets That’s what’s jacked up. You just got 1 of them potty trained and then they want to bring 1 in. Yeah. I don’t know.

19:05 – 19:06
You take that.

19:06 – 19:10
My dog, my oldest dog is starting to show his age.

19:10 – 19:11
Oh, yeah.

19:12 – 19:14
Yeah, he’s a little slow up the stairs.

19:15 – 19:15
Okay.

19:16 – 19:28
And I think it’s wonderful. My wife doesn’t want to talk about it, but I had planned when I planned this dog, I got him

19:29 – 19:30
and he was supposed to

19:30 – 19:44
die the year my son graduated from high school. Oh, OK. So we would be free of all animals. But then 2 stupid things happen.

19:44 – 19:58
1, We got a second dog because the first dog failed as a dog. He just was he was like a cat. And secondly, Monphid’s apparently going to live forever. So but he is slowing down.

19:58 – 20:05
And so there is hope. No, I know before you send me an email. Do I want the dog to die? No, I don’t.

20:05 – 20:23
Okay but Am I gonna cry when he does no No, I’m not Do I wish I didn’t have any dogs. Yes. If I could snap my fingers and they go away, no, no questions asked. No, no bad things happen to James.

20:23 – 20:28
You know, kids don’t remember them. Jen doesn’t remember them. Yes, I would do. I would do it.

20:28 – 20:37
SCP number 3076. It’s a snap that you can do that erases all memory of your dogs Yes, oh, I would snap that

20:38 – 20:42
That’s neat and I thought it was a Harry Potter spell that you had to do

20:42 – 20:52
No, just in the SCP universe you can have a glove that you can snap your fingers and it’ll give you a wish about dogs. Anything you can imagine can be an SCP. So

20:52 – 20:55
that’s that’s pretty, pretty amazing. And SCP stands for

20:55 – 20:59
what? Secure, contain, protect.

20:59 – 21:05
Oh, SCP. Yes. Yeah, that’s right. Yeah, that’s a fascinating line of stories.

21:05 – 21:07
If you all aren’t privy to them.

21:07 – 21:09
Yeah. Yeah. Get online and look up SCP.

21:10 – 21:11
Yeah. Just don’t

21:11 – 21:12
spend too much

21:12 – 21:16
time down there at all. Oh, the back rooms. Yeah. That’s another.

21:16 – 21:30
Or the meat canyon. I’m not familiar with that. It’s a state park where there’s just giant canyon, but it’s the it’s just made of red flesh. Really giant deep cavern.

21:31 – 21:50
Yeah. And people have built stuff inside of it and there’s apparently digestion going on in there. But somebody created an entire website filling out the lore of the Meat Canyon. I don’t know if it’s Meat Canyon or what, but I think I’m thinking of a YouTuber that I don’t watch.

21:51 – 22:02
But there is a website about a flesh gash in the ground. That’s in the earth, in the planet. There’s tours and

22:03 – 22:11
yeah, That’s crazy. It’s mostly harmless. Advice, caution when Googling that, especially since we’re not sure of it.

22:11 – 22:19
Yeah, you might get some weird results. Yeah, don’t look up flash gash For sure. Dude, dude, speaking of which. Oh, my gosh.

22:19 – 22:21
OK. Do you know what OSHA is?

22:22 – 22:23
Yes, of course.

22:23 – 22:25
OK. Can you tell the people while I prepare?

22:27 – 22:30
OSHA is the Office of Self.

22:32 – 22:34
Oh, I didn’t expect you to know that much.

22:34 – 22:41
Office of Safety, Health and something else.

22:41 – 22:51
I think. I don’t know. But yeah, they are in charge of helping people that work around machinery stay safe and electricity and stuff like that. So I was told-

22:51 – 22:52
And there’s guidelines that you have to follow.

22:52 – 23:00
Right, and they’re big deal, big deal. Yeah. You know, it has to do with chemicals and barriers and all kinds of stuff. Protective equipment.

23:00 – 23:26
Yeah, respirators, there’s just a lot of rules that the government has about these to keep people safe. Well, I was told to sit in on a web conference today, webinar, webinar, my first webinar and I’m 51. So You know, great things are still happening in my life. It was, it was about boring stuff to do with the printing industry and how, how OSHA matters.

23:26 – 23:55
And with no warning at all, he flips over to live photos of people who didn’t obey the rules. And there’s this guy holding up his fingers and 3 of them are half gone and it just happened. And he’s just standing there and he has no third, fourth or third, fourth and fifth tip fingers. And it’s so gnarly and so real.

23:55 – 24:10
And it’s like so gross. I couldn’t even look. I just took notes and typed and I’m like change the freaking slide and he’s like, oh, I just got 1 of these are going to be graphic. And oh my gosh, he showed 2 videos of a guy getting sucked into a roller.

24:10 – 24:19
And he’s like, oh, and by the way, he died. He got crushed. I’m like, ah, you know, I’m so used to fail videos where they’re like, no, he survived. Everybody was fine.

24:19 – 24:24
No, he got a scratch. They didn’t warn us. They didn’t warn us about that. The guy got sucked in.

24:24 – 24:35
I have it replay in my mind now. I can’t get rid of that. I can’t unsee it. And you know how compassionate I am about people getting hurt and all that?

24:35 – 24:53
I mean, I like to make fun of people and call them stupid and stuff, but at the end of the day, I don’t want anybody to suffer. And to watch people actually suffer and hurt and die and get their fingers ripped off is terrible. It’s absolutely terrible. So poo poo on whoever it was that had my first webinar experience.

24:53 – 24:55
I mean, they just broke me in hardcore.

24:55 – 25:00
Thanks, OSHA. Yeah. We need to know the dangers, but you can animate that kind of stuff.

25:00 – 25:01
But it wasn’t Osha’s fault. It doesn’t

25:01 – 25:02
have to be real, by

25:02 – 25:03
the way.

25:04 – 25:05
No, because if they

25:05 – 25:07
had been obeying Osha, it wouldn’t have happened.

25:08 – 25:09
OK,

25:09 – 25:26
but the context where people were removing safety features from the machines so that they wouldn’t turn off if something got snagged. Do you know what do you know what gloving is? I found out. But let’s just make everybody else is grossed out as in tarnished as I am today.

25:26 – 25:42
Gloving is what happens when your finger gets stuck in a roller and it just rips your skin off like a glove. This happens. This happens every year to, you know how many amputations there were in the printing industry last year?

25:42 – 25:43
40. 40.

25:44 – 25:48
40. World-Wider. In America. In America.

25:48 – 25:52
In America. Yeah. 40 amputations. 40.

25:52 – 25:58
From printers. That could be fingers, hands, It’s mostly fingers and hands in the printing industry.

25:59 – 26:00
Those are kind of important too.

26:00 – 26:22
Yeah. People relying on safety features that aren’t working or not, or working on machinery that is moving or people that are working on machinery that is not moving, but then it suddenly starts to move because they didn’t lock it out properly and turn off the power. So, yeah, there’s all kinds of problems. And I’m supposed to write a blog post about this.

26:22 – 26:37
And I’m seriously thinking about just talking mostly about why you should obey these rules because your fingers will get ripped off. And there’s a thing called gloving and maybe that’ll take off on Tik Tok. Yo guys, look at my hand. I’m going to stick it in there.

26:37 – 26:44
Oh, look bones. You know, it’s close. All right. I want to pass this dare off to Chi Chi and Marengo.

26:45 – 26:54
Go. Let’s dance about it. Tink, tink, tink, tink, blood, tink, tink, tink, tink, blood. I can still move my hand.

26:55 – 26:59
Yeah. So, gloving. It’s enough of a thing to wear it as a name.

27:00 – 27:03
We’re going to have to put a disclaimer on the beginning of this video.

27:03 – 27:14
Oh, and they talked about scalping too. No, come on. It’s a thing. If you have long hair or a man or if you have a long beard, they say wrap that crap up because you get scalped.

27:15 – 27:23
It rips your hair out or rips off your scalp, rips the skin right off, goes into a machine. Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.

27:23 – 27:25
Yeah. OK. So.

27:27 – 27:39
I’m not in danger. I’m in front of a computer all day. I don’t have any machines, but if you’re in a machine world and you have a long beard, please take care of yourself. I don’t want you to learn to be just ripped off.

27:40 – 27:58
Let’s redeem this whole disgusting talk right now and just use it as an air of caution to be implied and imputed upon our listeners. If you’re listening to this episode right now, make sure that you’re operating machinery safely, maybe turn it off so that you can focus on what you really need to do.

27:58 – 28:01
And let’s not think about amputations or glubbing.

28:01 – 28:03
Or scalps.

28:03 – 28:09
Yeah, scalping. I thought that was a thing from the old west man. I did not know it was still in use today.

28:10 – 28:14
Well I mean you can go to like a baseball game and they’re scalping tickets.

28:15 – 28:15
I don’t

28:15 – 28:16
know how that plays into it.

28:16 – 28:23
It doesn’t at all, but it was a good observation. I think it was fair. Not funny, but fair.

28:23 – 28:29
No. Well, I could be kind of funny. Maybe if somebody laughs, it is funny.

28:30 – 28:32
How much of that? How about that?

28:34 – 28:37
This is a fact of truth.

28:37 – 28:43
All right. Read us a story before I find something new that traumatizes me today.

28:44 – 28:47
Yeah. Well, Jimmy from Texas. Okay. Here we are.

28:47 – 28:53
This is a story from Jimmy from Texas, which you got a great state, dude. It’s amazing. Yeah. It’s huge.

28:53 – 29:07
My daughter’s talking about wanting to move there after college and my wife is not happy and I’m like, but there’s so much Texas. There’s the whole Gulf of America area. Yeah. Have you heard about that?

29:07 – 29:11
I’ve heard about that. Somebody wants to rename the Gulf of Mexico.

29:11 – 29:13
Trump wants to do it. He wants to…

29:13 – 29:15
That would explain why People are outraged.

29:17 – 29:17
The Gulf

29:17 – 29:18
of America.

29:18 – 29:25
I mean, it’s mostly in America. It’s a great, it’s a great Gulf. It’s great. It’s our Gulf.

29:25 – 29:35
We cleaned it when BP spilled all the stuff in. Did Mexico clean it? No, no, no good. The best cleaners in the world, American cleaners, they cleaned it.

29:35 – 29:46
That’s terrible. But I have the… Trump sounds like he’s turning into the Swedish chef now. All I know is just how he talks.

29:46 – 29:53
I don’t know how the voice goes. I can’t do his voice, but I have the intonation and the cadence down.

29:54 – 30:00
That’s what it is. Right? Good. Well, and it is a big state.

30:00 – 30:01
And it’s great. So there’s

30:01 – 30:12
a lot of Texas is what I’m saying. You know, there’s Gulf, Texas, there’s center Texas, there’s top bottom Texas, there’s left Texas. I mean, there’s there’s all kinds of Texas. We can’t just write off Texas.

30:12 – 30:13
Right.

30:13 – 30:21
She could move to East Texas and it’d be pretty close to y’all. Yeah, exactly. But if she moves to West Texas, she’s going to be way far. Right.

30:21 – 30:22
That’s on the other side of the country.

30:22 – 30:36
So we’re going to try to talk her out of it. We’re going to pray. We’re going to pray that Jesus finds her a man that wants to move her to the Panhandle in Florida so that Jen and I can retire to a penthouse

30:36 – 30:40
on the beach. Oh, that’s all right.

30:41 – 30:51
That’s our dream. Some people dream of pot bellied pigs. I dream of being on the top floor of a house I don’t really own, of a hotel.

30:53 – 30:55
Top floor of a timeshare. Yeah.

30:55 – 31:00
A bunch of people own that you get to use once a year. Yeah. Yeah.

31:01 – 31:08
Well, I don’t think Jimmy’s story has anything to do with that, but I’m going to go ahead and read it. Gloving. I don’t need

31:10 – 31:16
anything about that. Or scalping. The other day I was driving my daughter to school and

31:16 – 31:23
we noticed a little kid’s shoe on the side of the road. It was stuck in a pie that was, just kidding, little kid’s shoe on the side

31:23 – 31:25
of the road. She asked me how in

31:25 – 31:26
the world something like that happens.

31:26 – 31:30
Oh, I know that kid got hit by a car. Oh,

31:31 – 31:34
This is the darkest episode. It’s so violent.

31:36 – 31:48
I am messed up now. You need to read 2 chapters of the Bible and pray. I might even do some Hail Mary’s just for fun, Just to make sure I cover all the bases. Yeah.

31:48 – 31:51
Yeah. Might want to get some holy water.

31:51 – 32:06
Need some brain bleach, dude. My eyes. I need to drip some eye juice in there and clean them out. I just, I never, When I read the story initially to put it in the show, I never thought about a kid getting hit by a car and the shoe being there.

32:06 – 32:13
But now, see, the Bible talks about filling up your mind with good things.

32:13 – 32:17
Yeah, whatever things are good and pure and true and a good report.

32:18 – 32:22
Set apart. Yeah. Yeah. But I couldn’t do that today.

32:23 – 32:30
No. Well, I mean, it’s kind of hard when they throw that kind of garbage in front of you. So kids, be careful what you put in front of

32:30 – 32:33
you. Yeah. That’s all I’m saying.

32:33 – 32:39
Death. Yeah. Let’s look at life. But James, back to the story.

32:39 – 32:53
Yeah. His daughter asked him how in the world something like that could happen and he didn’t say anything about what you said. So how does a kid’s shoe end up on the side of the road? Well, I can tell you 1 way it happens because it happened to me once.

32:54 – 33:09
And James, that’s the best lead in because here we go. When I was about 5 years old, my family, My dad, my mom and 4 or 5 kids went together to my dad’s law office. Sounds like my medium sized. Yeah, that’s a that’s a good sized family.

33:09 – 33:10
Big family.

33:11 – 33:16
Big family. The dad’s law office was in a medium sized town in Maryland.

33:18 – 33:18
In the

33:18 – 33:36
northeast up there. My parents had recently purchased a new van, a full-size Dodge van that had 2 captain chairs up front, a big space in the middle of the van with no seats and a bench seat across the back of the van for us kids.

33:37 – 33:41
Nice. We had exactly that. Yeah. Yeah.

33:41 – 33:53
My mom and John. No, it wasn’t red, but it wasn’t. They brought it home as a conversion van and OK, but it did have 2 seats in the part he’s talking about there. There were no seats.

33:53 – 34:04
So we had 4 captain’s chairs and the bench in the back and the bench could lay down like a bed. And so that’s important for later, not the part, just the bench part,

34:05 – 34:18
the bench part. OK. On the right side and right and left side of the van at the spot of the rear bench were windows that went from the seat to the ceiling. Yep.

34:18 – 34:21
And the bottom portion of the window was able to slide up and let air in.

34:21 – 34:24
Yep. At the bottom for some reason.

34:25 – 34:37
Weird. I’m picturing this van in my head because I mean, we didn’t have 1, but in high school, my mom had a Ford Aero Star. Do you remember that? Yes.

34:37 – 34:42
So it was like a minivan, except it was like a conversion minivan. And so I had an extra.

34:42 – 34:44
You rode in it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

34:44 – 34:59
They weren’t very pretty, but they were functional. Yeah, I didn’t want to be the 1 to say ugly, even on this episode, because it was your mom’s car. But yeah, they they look like it was ugly. They look like somebody was like, you know, this will look good on the moon someday.

34:59 – 35:00
Let’s yeah. Yeah.

35:02 – 35:20
Well, the upgrade that we got from the Aerostar was the Astro, his Chevy Astro. It was just as bad. But anyways, I learned how to drive in that Aerostar. This created a window right at seat level to the bench that was about 6 inches tall and 12 inches wide.

35:20 – 35:28
Yep. Guessing the van window when it was brand new had netting across the opening or like a screen so only air could pass through it.

35:28 – 35:30
But As it was at

35:30 – 35:56
the time, there was no screen, and so these back windows when slid up, opened outside the car. On this fateful day, we loaded in the van and I sat on the bench behind the driver. My five-year-old self thought It would be a good idea to take off my shoes and put them on the bench to my left as my dad Navigated the downtown streets. He took a right turn in 1 of my shoes fell right out the window I

35:56 – 36:04
Didn’t know what to do, but we soon arrived at our destination. I informed my mom the situation Yeah, my parents were not pleased

36:05 – 36:10
Even at that in tender age. I didn’t understand why they were mad at me.

36:10 – 36:15
It wasn’t my fault my shoe wasn’t flying out the window. Dad did it. Yeah, it was clearly a flaw

36:15 – 36:27
in the design of the van. That’s a brilliant five-year-old if that’s really what he’s thinking. Let me just say, this thing would be nice if it had some sort of screen or netting in front of it so the shoes wouldn’t fly

36:27 – 36:45
out of the way. Yes, Father, had you purchased the most latest year, it would surely have a screen, a screen. It’s your fault, Father, this piece of crap has no screen. Well, to this day, I am perplexed as to Who

36:45 – 36:57
in the world thought that putting a window at seat level in a passenger van was a good idea? I’m just glad it wasn’t big enough for a kid to go through. Oh! 0!

36:57 – 37:03
Though who knows how many pet m- Though Who knows how many pets were lost that way? Mom?

37:04 – 37:05
Yeah, hon?

37:06 – 37:10
Gerbil went out window. What? What? What did you say?

37:10 – 37:19
I couldn’t make it out. You’re really out of the window. What? Nothing.

37:19 – 37:22
Nothing. It’s okay. It’s gone.

37:24 – 37:38
That’s when you’re more afraid of getting in trouble than you are missing the gerbil. You know what? Honestly, as a parent, yeah, you just told us good news. Yeah.

37:38 – 37:46
Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. The gerbil went out the window. We’ll just have to. You can’t have another 1, though, because You weren’t responsible with that.

37:46 – 37:49
That’s right. That’s right. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

37:49 – 37:50
Thank you, Lord.

37:51 – 38:10
My heart’s broken for the gerbil. But anyway, I don’t know whose mom that was. Back to the story. Anyway, my parents drove around the city streets for a few minutes looking for the missing shoe, but I was not much help in telling them where to look because he’s they soon gave up the fruitless cause and my punishment was the natural consequence of my actions.

38:11 – 38:14
I went around with 1 shoe until we got home

38:14 – 38:32
like he cared. Yeah, you got a you got to beat him. No, maybe someone spank them spank them on the foot, You know, put the pain where the inflected, where the discipline needs to go. Slap them on the bottom of the foot.

38:33 – 38:36
The punishment has to match the crime. Isn’t that what they say?

38:36 – 38:41
Yeah. I used to do that with my kids. Even when we were just playing around, I’m like, feet are bad. Did you know that?

38:41 – 38:54
And they’re like, no, because I knew I was going to slap the bottom of their foot, the bottom of their foot. That’s hurt. I’m like, so, you know, a week later, whatever, we’re playing around, they’re kicking their feet at me. I was like, feet are bad.

38:54 – 39:05
No, pow! Oh, man. Back when my kids were smaller, I would grab their feet and tickle them. But Johnny has no sensation of tickle.

39:05 – 39:10
So he didn’t care. But James inherited everything that Johnny doesn’t have.

39:10 – 39:16
It’s when waterboarding comes in handy. When you got 1 of those kids that doesn’t respond to anything, they’ll respond to waterboarding.

39:17 – 39:18
Oh, is that

39:18 – 39:22
right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just put a rag over their face and

39:22 – 39:28
pour water. Man, they will. I always wondered how,

39:28 – 39:31
where’s the board coming from? I mean, it’s not fun and it’s dangerous, But it will get a reaction.

39:32 – 39:41
They could die. Yeah, probably. I don’t know because I don’t know much about that. Anyways, back to maybe some someone in the town.

39:41 – 39:53
Jimmy says maybe someone in the town that day was a person who came across a kid’s shoe on the side of the road and wondered, how in the world does a shoe end up here? That’s how it happened to me.

39:53 – 40:01
Paul Circle, man. And I love that little closing line. And that’s how it happened to me. Like now you know the rest of the story.

40:01 – 40:04
You know, it’s like Just a nice little zip up.

40:04 – 40:25
Good little Paul Harvey moment. I want to share a thing that I lost out my van window, if I may. Because this story reminded me of it and it makes me sad even still. Back in the 1980s, when I was a young lad, probably 5 myself, a movie came out that excited much of our generation.

40:26 – 40:39
It’s called Star Wars. And James, my mom bought me for Christmas, a plastic lightsaber. It had a light inside of it. You flip it.

40:39 – 40:51
It was basically a flashlight with a plastic extended on the end of it. It wasn’t like the ones the kids have now where you can fling it and it all pops out. It was straight up just a big long plastic tube with lighting. I love that thing so much.

40:52 – 41:10
I had it, like I got it that day. And I was like, I’m taking this with us wherever we go. So we went, well foreshadowing, I guess already, We went and I was, we were in our van. We had 1 of those crappy vans that, you know, you could open the window, but it wouldn’t open all the way.

41:10 – 41:13
It was like, I don’t know, it opens down at the bottom. But yeah,

41:13 – 41:18
it has a hinge thing that unlocks and it opens it maybe 2 inches or something.

41:18 – 41:24
Exactly. That’s what we had. And I got the smart eye. I wanted to show my lightsaber off.

41:24 – 41:40
I was like, I want people to see this. So I was sticking it out the window and my mom, while she’s driving, she says, if you keep that sticking that thing out the window, it’s going to, it’s going to fly away and be gone. And my little brain said, yeah, right. That’s what my little brain said, James.

41:41 – 41:48
And, and we kept going down the road and I don’t know what happened. I don’t, I don’t know what happened.

41:48 – 41:49
It just all

41:49 – 41:58
of a sudden was in my hands and then all of a sudden wasn’t. And I couldn’t tell my mom that she was right.

41:58 – 42:05
You could write a sad song about this, dude. You could really. Could I? I think so.

42:05 – 42:12
I mean, just the way you said that, it’s like, I don’t know what happened, but 1 minute it was there and then it was gone.

42:12 – 42:15
And I might cry. I know. I might relive this moment.

42:15 – 42:32
Maybe it’s just that my emotions are raw from all I’ve been through today, but I don’t know. I lost something out of a car window 1 time. I was really. Yeah, we were driving, of all things, past my old house in Jacksonville on the Lanoid Road.

42:33 – 42:39
And I was dry. I was flying a car out the window, right? You know how you do it. Yeah.

42:39 – 42:51
Yeah. Flying cars going super fast and all of a sudden the wind go and the car landed in the ditch across the street from my old house. Oh. And I was like, oh, 0 my God, stop again.

42:51 – 42:57
I get no idea where it is. No, we’re not stopping. It was like, I was so sad. I was crying.

42:57 – 43:10
I was like, when I grow up, I’m going to go back here and I’m going to find our car. And I’m 51. I still think about is it there? Is it there underneath, you know, 3 inches of dirt and leaves?

43:11 – 43:15
You know, it’d be so awesome. Nobody found that thing. It’s there. It’s still there.

43:15 – 43:20
It’s plastic and metal. The plastic is still there. If the metal is not, you know.

43:20 – 43:31
So it might be because it’s probably made out of aluminum or zinc or something. And that doesn’t break down. It’s still there, James. You know, just think, you know, so my lightsaber was gone.

43:31 – 43:42
Right. But I promise you it was on when I lost it. Every time we went out at night driving anywhere, because I didn’t have any sense of direction back then. I didn’t know where we were.

43:42 – 43:47
Right. I would see that lightsaber. So I thought, There goes my lightsaber.

43:48 – 43:49
It’s on the side of

43:49 – 43:56
the road. That’s the end of the song right there. It’s like there’s a message. There’s something we were missing.

43:56 – 44:01
Just like when you let your light go. You. Oh,

44:03 – 44:14
it’s somebody else’s hands. It is my lightsaber. Batteries never wore out. I want to stop this song.

44:14 – 44:17
Oh, man. Okay. All right. All right.

44:18 – 44:22
Sorry about your sword. If you’re if you’re sorry about my car.

44:22 – 44:24
I am very sorry.

44:24 – 44:27
Well, I’m very sorry about your sword, even though I’m very jealous

44:27 – 44:27
of it.

44:28 – 44:33
So what movie was it had to been Jedi or Empire Strikes Back? 1 of the 2.

44:33 – 44:35
It was Empire Strikes Back, I think.

44:35 – 44:42
OK. My first my first Star Wars movie was Jedi. And I saw it in the theaters. Yeah.

44:43 – 44:44
Oh, that you saw in the theater.

44:44 – 44:48
No, no, ever saw. Ever. Yeah. Yeah.

44:49 – 44:53
Wow. I know. We were late to everything, dude. I got a Nintendo late.

44:53 – 45:00
We, you know, when they were on sale, I mean, everything, everything. We went to a dollar theater to see Jedi. So. Wow.

45:00 – 45:01
Yeah.

45:01 – 45:04
So you like, you had no back. Well, you had to have had some backstory on what was

45:04 – 45:15
going on. Well, here’s the thing. I had friends that had seen the movies and I had a collection of figures from Empire Strikes Back. Okay.

45:16 – 45:22
So I didn’t have Luke and Leia. I had Luke the pilot and Hoth Leia.

45:22 – 45:23
Hoth Leia.

45:24 – 45:36
Okay. Yeah. And I didn’t know anybody’s names except for Luke, Obi-Wan. I didn’t know his name, but he had a plastic hoodie on, you know, like a robe.

45:37 – 45:42
And so did the java that I had. So he was their dad. That’s right.

45:43 – 45:44
Yeah, they did look alike.

45:45 – 46:00
Yeah. And R2-D2 could roll up because he was hollow inside and he could be a cannon. And C-3PO, which I didn’t know his name, had a record player on his stomach. Yeah.

46:00 – 46:02
Yeah. It is so crazy because I

46:02 – 46:03
thought those same things too.

46:03 – 46:05
I had a gonk droid.

46:05 – 46:05
Well, most of

46:05 – 46:14
them. And he was a coke machine for the other characters. I wasn’t too far off there. Because we still don’t know really what they do.

46:14 – 46:15
They just walk around.

46:15 – 46:23
And I had 1 of the operator droids. You actually see him at the beginning of the first or number 4.

46:24 – 46:26
0, the 1 with all the arms. Yes. Yeah.

46:26 – 46:47
I had 1 of those and he was a gas station because I didn’t know what he was. So you could pull out the arms and it’s how you refill people’s stuff. And they had lightsabers in their arms and you could extend the lightsabers from Obi-Wan and Luke. But yes, that literally was my own.

46:47 – 47:00
I even had the Hoth playset that had a bridge that would, you could push a button, a bridge would collapse. Yeah. Yeah. So I had no idea about any of it.

47:00 – 47:09
And then I went and saw a Jedi. I met Yoda. I remembered the swamp and I drew pictures of Yoda in that swamp. It’s all I remember.

47:09 – 47:11
Wow. At the whole movie.

47:12 – 47:18
That’s pretty amazing. And then you got to be introduced to a new hope and Empire Strikes Back.

47:18 – 47:22
Much later in life, unfortunately. Man. Isn’t weird.

47:22 – 47:23
That’s pretty…

47:23 – 47:30
I was overprotected. I was way overprotected. Anyway, what? Wow.

47:30 – 47:31
No. Well, I was going to say

47:31 – 47:52
that I didn’t see the original Star Wars in theaters because I was, I don’t know, 4 and didn’t care at that age. I was all about Superman. But I remember I knew all about Star Wars. And then when Empire Strikes Back came out, that was what we talked about, me and my cousins all the time.

47:52 – 47:56
And somehow we got to see it. I think we might have gotten to see that 1 in the theater.

47:57 – 47:57
Sweet. I don’t

47:57 – 47:58
remember, but yeah.

47:58 – 48:06
Well, thanks for rubbing that in. We have a story from Karen in Indiana. Glad. Glad your life was great.

48:07 – 48:15
Karen from Indiana says, I live out of the country. Most of the properties in my neighborhood have 5 or more acres. I live out in the country. Never mind.

48:16 – 48:25
No, I was like out of the country, out of the country. They call them acres everywhere. A little article does help the end there.

48:25 – 48:27
Or that’s a preposition, isn’t it? I don’t know.

48:28 – 48:45
I live out in the country. Most of the properties in my neighborhood have 5 or more acres, so the houses aren’t very close together. Nonetheless, I recognize that most of my neighbors by sight, even though I don’t talk to a lot of them regularly. Several of us in our neighborhood can often be seen running or walking or biking.

48:46 – 49:03
1 day I was out for a run. 1 road that I like to take is very isolated. There’s only 1 house along that road and it’s rare to see any traffic there aside from the occasional tractor or farm truck. So I was running down that road and I went around a curve and up ahead I saw a guy just standing on the side of the road, looking out toward the woods.

49:03 – 49:21
I couldn’t really tell what he was looking at. Maybe a deer, an interesting bird, a cow that had escaped its pasture. But as it got closer, I realized it was none of those things. This guy, who I’m pretty sure was my across the street neighbor was not enjoying the local wildlife, but rather relieving himself along the side of the road.

49:23 – 49:29
This is from Karen. I want to point out Karen. Why didn’t you buy it didn’t go a little further into the woods? I don’t know.

49:29 – 49:41
Beats me. But I ain’t going to ask him. In fact, I didn’t even acknowledge that I saw him, but instead I looked straight ahead and I ran a little faster until I was well beyond him. Sometimes nature calls.

49:41 – 50:06
I understand that. But this was a reminder to me that when it does search for deep cover, cornfields and perhaps going behind a tree would work well to help avoid your neighbors finding you in an embarrassing situation. See, he was he was planning on the same privacy that you were on your run. And you guys cheated each other out of that privacy.

50:07 – 50:18
You are both to blame. But I do side more on Karen’s side because. Yeah. I mean, just because we can be anywhere we want doesn’t mean we should.

50:18 – 50:20
That’s a valid statement.

50:20 – 50:24
That’s a man’s statement right there. You know, just because we can.

50:25 – 50:26
Doesn’t mean we should.

50:26 – 50:34
Speaking of which, Have you ever cleaned a toilet? Yes. With your pee? OK.

50:34 – 50:40
Yes. All right. Good. Have you ever silently peed?

50:41 – 50:46
Yes. Standing up. Yes. How do you how do you accomplish that in a toilet bowl?

50:46 – 50:49
You got to aim for 1 of the sides. It doesn’t have water near.

50:49 – 50:50
Ladies don’t know that.

50:51 – 50:56
They don’t know that. No. Well, they can’t do that. That’s probably why they don’t know that.

50:57 – 50:58
Yeah, it’s like

50:58 – 51:05
when you’re on the side of the bowl. It’s like I had to do it yesterday because that’s on the phone with somebody. I really had to pee. I was like, I’m not going to hang up.

51:05 – 51:34
Well, I mentioned it because I saw an ad that was it was from Asia. I don’t know where from, but probably China. And it and it was an item to where you could kneel down in front of the toilet. And I didn’t I couldn’t read the characters, but there were graphical imagery of a man being embarrassed to hear to have people hear his pee.

51:35 – 51:49
Like you could tell there was a date and the father outside this big honor thing going on, you know, so he was like, boy, I wish I had this item so I could kneel and I’m like, doesn’t he know the silent trick?

51:49 – 51:53
Apparently the bowls are all full of water in that country.

51:54 – 52:08
Maybe so. Maybe there’s no side to pee on, but they have, that’s Japan though, that has the mechanical, electronical toilets with seat warmers and the tootie, fruity, scootie, slushie thing. What do they call that? Yeah, a

52:08 – 52:10
little bidet that

52:11 – 52:11
gives you

52:11 – 52:17
a backside, a wash and a hairdryer to keep it

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dry. Does it dry it? See, my… I think so.

52:20 – 52:21
It got blowers in them.

52:21 – 52:42
My brother-in-law, he uses a bidet, but really what it is, is a… He put a hose with a sprayer nozzle, like from a sink in the 80s. Oh, yeah. He has 1 that just pipes into the water coming out of the wall up to his toilet tank.

52:42 – 52:50
So it’s cold. It’s Very manual. And I don’t know. I’ve never had the guts to ask anybody.

52:50 – 53:03
First of all, how do you know when you’re successful? Yeah, that’s a good point. Secondly, how do you survive and dry yourself? Are you still using toilet paper or do you just get up and just honey cheek it all the way?

53:03 – 53:14
I don’t even know what honey cheek means, but. I’m just going to ask. It’s something new. It’s something new brought to you by that show by by a funny white trash bidet.

53:15 – 53:27
What is brought to you by honey cheeks? Honey cheeks. I mean, How do you keep it together after all the crap they’ve been through? How do you keep them together?

53:28 – 53:34
Your butt cheeks. My butt cheeks? That’s a joke.

53:35 – 53:38
I was like, wait, they’re just kind of natural.

53:40 – 53:48
Whoops. Yeah. Sometimes they fight. They still go through.

53:49 – 53:58
All right. So it’s time for us to do a giveaway. Remember how we said we would give away some stuff to middle schoolers who sent in LOL stories?

53:58 – 54:01
Yeah, we missed our episode last week because

54:01 – 54:02
of life

54:02 – 54:03
in general.

54:03 – 54:23
That’s fine because we have had very few middle schoolers actually apply. And I blame the holidays. And I also blame the fact that middle schoolers are not that bright. OK, Because 1 middle schooler wrote in and said, how do I send in a story for that contest?

54:25 – 54:37
And I’m, I was just thinking like you just did. Like you freaking just did like that. How do I do it? But I wrote back, I said, if you listened to the episode, you would know.

54:37 – 54:43
Yeah. I just heard about it from 1 of my friends. I wanted to do it. So I never heard back from them.

54:43 – 55:00
So they never figured it out. So when I say they’re not that bright, I’m speaking from first time or firsthand experience here. But, oh, I forgot to write his name down. But I already contacted him and told him he wanted.

55:00 – 55:06
So. OK. So here it is from Portland, Oregon. So I started a new soccer team a few years ago.

55:06 – 55:14
The soccer team was an indoor team and indoor team. The team was also way better than me, than me.

55:14 – 55:15
Than THN.

55:16 – 55:25
So I had to prove myself, right? Right. So first game, I’m pumped. I’m ready to play really good.

55:26 – 55:51
I don’t start, but I come in later into the field. I come on, I take 3 steps and on the fourth I trip straight down into the ground. I start bawling It’s honest about it and bawling because it hurts so bad I Trilled on my shoe Trilled trilled trilled I think it’s tripped. Okay tripped.

55:51 – 55:51
I

55:51 – 55:53
don’t know trilled sounds a little

55:53 – 56:14
ball if I trilled I honey-cheeked on my shoes people would be You know, I’m I’m walking along 123, just whatever that is. Oh, I left the team later because a lot of the guys on the team are really mean to me.

56:14 – 56:15
Oh, man.

56:16 – 56:26
It was so embarrassing. I hope it makes it on the show. Also, I love your show so much exclamation points galore. I forgot his name, Portland, Oregon.

56:26 – 56:31
He gets another Dunder tear for 12 months. Wow. Yes. Yes.

56:31 – 56:39
I will mention you gave it later. I totally failed. Sarah Roadhouse. That’s who gave it.

56:39 – 56:44
It was Sarah Roadhouse. Sarah Roadhouse. Sarah Roadhouse. R-H-O-D-E-H-O-U-S-E.

56:45 – 56:50
Roadhouse. Sarah Roadhouse, Thank you. You’re a great patron and you’re a great Donator. Sarah Roadhouse.

56:51 – 56:53
Sarah Roadhouse. Oh,

56:54 – 56:58
no, all you have to do is hit the magic edit button. Yep. And there it is.

56:58 – 57:22
It’s already said I said it and thank you so much for your contribution. If you would like to win, we have like 4 more to give away or 3 more or 3 more or 4 more. So if you’re a middle schooler, send in your favorite story, make us LOL and You will get a free year of bonus content. You can become a supporting listener, man.

57:24 – 57:27
We’re trying to do outreach to our middle schoolers.

57:27 – 57:30
Because we care about you. We need that church music that you play in the background.

57:30 – 57:41
Yeah, we do care about you, but just a little bit. Some announcements, our January theme show is called Holiday Stories. It’s on the 30th. It’s coming up fairly soon.

57:41 – 57:51
So get your stories in. We’re wanting stuff from Thanksgiving and New Year’s and Christmas. So what’s the worst gift you got? What’s the best gift you got or gave?

57:51 – 57:58
What was the best surprise? What about white elephant gifts? How did you find out about Santa? Do you have any weird family traditions you wanna share?

57:58 – 58:10
Christmas play drama, misheard Carol lyrics, snowball fights, sneaking into find presents. Your grandma at Thanksgiving, did she pass out due to too much alcohol? I don’t know. Whatever it is.

58:10 – 58:15
Send it in. Support. Send it in at that story show dot com. Click Submit a story.

58:15 – 58:22
Submit it. It will be great. We’re also gifting memberships to middle schoolers. The first stories that make it get a laugh.

58:22 – 58:33
They get a 1 year membership. Simple as that. And this podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon. Supporting listeners get ad free listening swag and a weekly bonus contest.

58:33 – 58:46
Try it out, content, content podcast. Try it out for free for 7 days at support.thatstorieshow.com. Thanks to our new patrons, Adrian, Philip and Michelle. And thanks to our producers, James Spengler, Carrie Wright and Christopher Tynan.

58:46 – 58:57
It’s time for us to get out of here. Thank you so much. Do you have a story that you’d like featured on a future episode? Submit your story at thatstorieshow.com and while you’re there, join our mailing list for the latest updates.

58:58 – 1:00:07
Please take a moment and leave a review on iTunes or Spotify and remember, when something weird, annoying, embarrassing or painful happens to you, don’t get stressed and don’t get depressed just think hey This belongs on that story show. We’ll see you guys next time Don’t trail don’t trail Stop trilling dude I’m not trilling Here we go I’m in feeling I’m just trilling And I fell on my butt And now everybody’s mean to me So I’m gonna quit I’m gonna walk away now Before it hurts my feelings more You guys are terrible and you make me feel worse And now I’m walking and now I have a lightsaber dude I’m so much better than James cause he was too poor to have fun for himself so I hung it out the window cause I’m spoiled my mama told me not to but that thing went on its own and now it’s riding down the road somebody picked it up and They went to the movies and they had it to hold up And now I think I see it, no it’s just a light on the

1:00:07 – 1:00:12
ground I’m so dumb I think the batteries will never run down

1:00:13 – 1:00:14
Sorry, I

1:00:14 – 1:00:21
can’t keep going after that, that was… No 1 got me, Sorry. That was bad. It was bad to make fun of you.

1:00:21 – 1:00:24
But I was making fun of little John, not John.

1:00:24 – 1:00:26
Yeah, well, he deserved it. Yeah.

1:00:31 – 1:00:36
Hey, welcome to Stuff That Didn’t Fit on the Show, where we put stuff that didn’t fit on the show. I’m James.

1:00:37 – 1:00:38
And I’m John, and you’re in the right place.

1:00:38 – 1:00:52
You’re in the right place. Man, you know, John, losing stuff out the window was the worst. It was the worst. 1 time we were driving and my dog was in my lap and the dog saw something out the window.

1:00:53 – 1:00:59
Yeah. And he jumped out of the car. Out of a moving car. Get more from that story show today.

1:01:00 – 1:01:00
Support.ThatStoryShow.com ThatStoryShow.com.