Podcast: Play in new window | Download
James has the mind of a Middle schooler. John has the mind of a Homeschooler. Marcella’s husband isn’t chill at a Chili’s. Jacob is everyone’s favorite home. Oscar abuses his friend for extra Halloween candy. Jessica is scared to snorkel. Shay has a crushing crisis of conscience. Pat farts. He just farts. Amy finds that she has a fiendish friend. And Stephen takes the cake with his story!
Did you know you can listen to this episode ad-free? Visit https://patreon.com/thatstoryshow to become a Supporting Listener today.
Send in your bike stories for the theme show in December!
Send your funny real-life story today!
Full Transcript:
This is that story show, the highlight of your homeschoolers life. Hey, podcast people, I’m your host, James Kennison.
And I am Jon Steinklauber. And this week on That Story Show. That was not good. Marcelo’s husband isn’t chill at Chili’s. Jacob is everyone’s favorite home. Oscar abuses his friend for extra Halloween candy.
That’s not nice.
Jessica’s scared to snorkel.
Mm-hmm.
And Shay has a crushing crisis of conscience. Uh-oh. And Pat farts. He just farts. Amy finds that she has a fiendish friend, and Steven takes a cake with his story.
Oh, I can’t wait to get into this episode.
It’s gonna be fun.
It’s gonna be fun. Well, let’s find out about Chili’s. This is called Chili’s is Nasty from Marcella in Reno. As I sit here watching my son screaming and getting very excited over the NBA finals. He’s a Celtics fan. I’m reminded of how loudly excited his dad would get over sports in public. Several years ago during the NBA playoffs, we went to Chili’s for dinner. It was a weeknight, pretty slow in the restaurant. So it was really quiet, Fred Chili’s. My husband asked the bartender to turn on the game. So he’s happy. I’m happy. The restaurant is
happy, nice and chill. And there’s, then there was an apparently great play and he stands up and yells at the top of his lungs. That’s nasty! The few other diners as well as the wait staff looked over at our table wondering what in the world could have gone wrong with his food. He had yelled as if a rat had run across his plate. Oblivious, he sits back down, continues with his meal and watches the game. While I quite red faced point to the TV and quietly explained to everyone the game. It’s a game going on. We’ll
hope it makes it on the show. Yeah, I’ve never been 1 of those guys.
No, I would always cheer for teams that sucked.
Because you felt bad for them?
No, because they’re the teams that I liked. Like I’m a Florida State fan. And they are not doing great this year. I don’t like sit down and watch the games, but when I did like back in the day, they were not that good back then either. So I just.
So what makes you a fan if they’re not that great?
Nostalgia. Okay. It’s nostalgia.
And when did that start?
Probably when I was in being a Floridian, you have to pick a Florida team, right?
So I was
in middle school. Yeah. Well, see, Gators, I felt like they had too much…
Too many fans?
Fans. Too many fans. And I couldn’t be a Miami fan because, you know…
Yeah. Screw Miami.
Yeah. I guess I could have cheered for That’s another floor
Panthers, I don’t know.
It’s NFL.
Okay. I Don’t know. I don’t know anything. All I know is usually at a bar It’s okay to scream about your team. But yeah, if you’re the only 1 there, it gets a little scary.
You know what? When I watch my team, I want to shout, that’s nasty too. So.
Oh my gosh. We’re lucky that that’s all he said. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have been able to share this on the show. You know, because the sports bar I eat at every Wednesday, I hear a lot of choice words screamed at the TV. And None of them are nasty. They’re all nasty actually. They’re all nasty. Oh, goodness gracious.
What do
you do? It’s almost
Friday, John.
Yeah, Friday Eve. Oh, I love it. I love it.
Yeah, working man. You having to, you know, get used to these weeks. You have a whole new appreciation for Friday now?
Yes. Yeah, every Friday I want to sing the Friday song that was so popular years ago. Rebecca Black. Yes.
It goes through my head almost all the time. Thank you, Rebecca.
Yeah, I referenced Rebecca Black to a coworker the other day, and he was like, oh, I don’t really remember that because I was like in third grade.
Oh, wow. Was it that long ago? Yes. When did that song come out?
I don’t know.
Oh, man. I’m Googling it right now.
All right. Well, let me go ahead.
If it came out more than, oh, my goodness, it did. Yeah. 2011.
Oh, I know. It’s just the other day, dude. You know, it’s been like it was been 35 years since go West young man by Michael W Smith was released. No. Yes. Oh, no. That’s not even Friends or Friends Forever. We’re talking about 1 of the last memorable albums he put out, you know.
Ah, go West. OK, that’s your opinion. I liked.
Well, I never listened to him after that CD or tape. Really?
Yeah. And he released a whole orchestral…
Which is probably why I didn’t do it.
Which was really good. I liked it, but
I don’t like anyways Yeah
Opposed it and all that fun
stuff. Really?
Yeah, you should look it up. I can’t remember what it’s called.
I’m good. I’m good I’m glad you enjoyed it Me and Michael W Smith are or I chose the better Michael, Michael J. Fox. So,
yeah. Oh, good 1.
Always confused them anyway. All right, let’s rewind the week. All right, So I was at the doctor because I had surgery right a while back.
Yeah.
And that surgery was bariatric surgery where they turned my stomach into a sleeve and I have lost a lot of weight and all this. Well at the 6 months from surgery point, I had to go and have an in-person, I don’t know, doctor’s appointment with the lady that did the surgery. And there was this doctor’s assistant, What do they call him?
Physicians assistant? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah, and he was kind of leading it with her behind him kind of thing. And they’ve been hounding me about getting rid of my extra skin, okay? First of all, I don’t have very much. I was very surprised, but they say if it flops over, it can get infected. It can all this kind of stuff. And I’m like, it’s really not a problem. It hung over more when I was fat than it ever did now. Yeah. And he’s like, well, you know, you also have to think about the depth of your belly button. Well, he’s
not wrong.
Is your belly button deeper than it used to be?
Yeah, it is. Really? Yeah, I got to reach in there, man. It’s up to the second knuckle. It’s deep. Yeah, because the skin has done a great job. But I don’t know, just think about a pregnant woman who has given birth and her stomach’s trying to get back to normal. That’s what I look like all the time. But anyway, my whole point wasn’t that it’s that the doctor called it a belly button. And I’m like, it is that what the medical profession calls that part of our body
medical term
for that. Usually when you reference something, they’re talking about mandibles or tarsals or meta tarsals or craniums or anuses or, you know, all kinds of stuff. The gluteus maximus and all this. And then they just ranting off belly button. And I was like, There’s got to be a better name for it. And there is. It’s the umbilicus.
That sounds like a spell from Harry Potter.
It does. It also sounds like a heavy metal band. But it is literally just the scar that is left from you being connected to your mom, right? And, but they don’t use that phrase. And it’s so weird. I was like, is, but for a while I really thought maybe that was just the medical term for it. It’s like, we got to have a belly button operation. We’re going to do a belly button transplant. And belly button just seemed like a weird word for doctors to be teaching other doctors in doctor school. You know,
it’s a Latin word for that.
But but I know why they do it, because nobody knows what an umbilicus is. So, yeah, how deep is your umbilicus? And I’d be like, 2 knuckles deep, man.
2 knuckles deep. My umbilicus is 2 knuckles deep. Umbilicus. Oh, Umbilicus Rex.
But no, I don’t need to have skin removal surgery. I’m doing great everybody.
So yeah. Yeah. Sounds like they’re trying to upsell you.
They are. OK, so what the deal is, they cut around your belly button hole, OK? And then they they kind of remove some stuff and then they they they clamp it back down and cut you a new belly button hole. What? And then they match it back up and then they sew it together and they cut off the bottom and match it up and sew it back together. So it’s quite a procedure. Yeah, it sounds painful. It sounds horrible. And It sounds like my skin is becoming a suit that we are now, you know, modifying and
altering. Yeah, I’m getting tailored. But I looked at the, you know, the cutaway version and the, you know, the diagrams and I’m like, I looked at my own stomach. All my stomach hair grows toward the umbilicus. You know what I’m saying? And so if I moved all that down and redid it, it’d be like I’d have a cowlick on my gut for the rest of my life. Oh man. You know what I’m saying? The hair wouldn’t match up right. So I would rather be a tiny bit saggy baggy than have my hair messed up. I’m I
don’t know. I’m vain, but I’m not vain enough to have the surgery and I’m too vain to have the surgery. I don’t know.
Yeah. Well, maybe maybe once you get your umbilicus, maybe your umbilicus will shrink for you. I don’t know. Or can we call it the mom portal?
No, God, dude. What? You just said the wrong thing.
OK,
we all came out of our mom’s portal.
I’m sorry, everybody. Sean!
I didn’t know what you meant by that. You could only see his face right now. Sean, Sean, Sean.
I want to crawl up under the desk here and just Take a nap.
Yeah, you can’t though, because it’s your turn to rewind the week. I don’t want to rewind anything. I don’t know where to go with that. You know,
I just need a second. Mark the cue.
This product is brought to you by John’s Embarrassment. Enjoy a fresh helping of John’s Embarrassment today here, right here on That Story Show.
Thank you. You know, I just noticed we’re wearing the
same shirt. Are we? Is yours American Eagle?
No, it’s Tar-Jay.
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to brand bust on you. It’s the same color. Yeah, it is. It’s exactly the same color. It’s crazy.
I’m wearing a nice, for those of our non-video participants, this show, I’m wearing a nice gray cardigan and we’re both wearing blue polos.
Yeah, we didn’t check in advance, we matched.
I’m sorry, next time I’ll be sure to do that. Yeah. OK. So here’s my weekly rewind. So I was in the hallway to the actually was yesterday. This is fresh rewind here, y’all.
Yeah.
And it was car line time, which means it’s time for all the kids to leave. And I was in the lower elementary side of the campus, and I was chatting with a couple of teachers about all this stuff that we just had election week, you know, and everything we were just talking about stuff. And this second grader just walks up, he’s ready to walk out to his car. He looks up at me and he says, where’s my son? And I was like, first of all, do I know you? I didn’t say that out loud, but I
was thinking, I was like, I don’t know where your son is. And I said,
damn, I said- Isn’t that your job? Yeah. Yeah.
I said, he’s probably waiting for you at home to get back from work so that you can spend some time together and play games or something. And he looked at me like I was crazy. And he says, my son up in the sky. And I was like, okay, this is crazy. And the teachers who apparently, you know, speak and think on the same second grade level. They said, it’s behind the clouds, dear. And they started laughing. I said, oh, you meant S-U-N and not S-O-N.
Oh my gosh. I thought you were dealing with a crazy person, dude.
Where’s my son? And so we all had a good laugh at that. But the kid the whole time was thinking, why are these people laughing? I just want to know where the sun is.
Oh, a kid did that. Yeah. OK. I thought it was a grown man this whole time.
Oh, no. Did I not say that it was a little second grader?
You did. I’m sure I’m stupid.
I’ll listen to the
episode later.
Maybe I didn’t. That would be a lot funnier to you. Cause you looked like you’re a little confused.
I was very weirded out by this grown man acting like a second grader. So my bad.
Where’s my son?
Where’s my son? He’s, he’s in the future. He is in the future. Anyway, we’ve got a review brought to you by podgagement.com. Best show ever says K8 Derster. I love the podcast. I die at least 3 times every episode. Oh my gosh. You’re not allowed to die while listening to this podcast.
No, no, that is the 1 thing that we ask you not to do. Yeah. I mean, there’s many things we ask you not to do, but that’s specifically 1 that we strictly prohibit.
Yeah, seriously. If you’re on a bus or something and then you just, they’re dead and they look at your listening history and they find out that it was us that killed you, we could go away for a long time.
Long time.
Long, long time.
We don’t need that.
No, no, I don’t.
I still got to get another kid out of the house and into college. So
that’s right. So anyway, please leave us a review on iTunes or Spotify. It makes us really happy and it helps the show review dot that story show.com. That’s where you go right now, right now. And I have to share the LBB of the week.
1 of the many tools of the devil.
All right. I have 2, but I’m going to share 1 because it’s timely. It’s very timely. All right. Today at work, the lady behind me, she has to make a lot of phone calls. And she was calling this lady at this company because they owed us some money or something.
Ooh, she’s the-
No, she’s not collections. Oh. She’s just there to make sure the books are right. And they, we had a credit and they were claiming we didn’t have a credit. So she calls just to check things out and all this. So it’s not an aggressive conversation, but the lady on the other side of the line, apparently before she hangs up says, okay, now have a good day. Unless you voted for Trump Click. Wow. So there you go. There’s professionalism in the workplace.
Yeah, right there.
So have a terrible day if you voted for Kamala is what I got out of that.
You said have a good day unless you voted for Trump, then you have a bad day if you voted for Trump, right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. But she’s only wishing good wishes on Kamala fans. So, yeah, it’s not very nice to do that to anyone for any of those reasons, especially in the business world. My goodness. Yeah.
Try it. It doesn’t matter if you have a credit or not. It’s 1 of the 3 things you don’t talk about in the office, right?
She’s an LBB, the living, breathing butt head of the week. Yeah, just be nice to people, everybody.
Just be nice.
Because you know
what? We
can do in 10 years. It ain’t going to matter who is president.
That’s right.
Because it didn’t matter who was 10 years ago.
Who was president?
Probably Obama.
Oh, that’s right.
Yeah, that’s right. Yeah. Yeah. I still blame Obama for everything. Like we can’t throw peanuts down on the floor since COVID at the steakhouse place anymore. And I’m like, thanks, Obama. So he wasn’t even president then. I know. But I still blame him. I don’t know that guy. I just like blaming Obama. He gets credit too. And when something like, you know, if there’s a cow, I see an extra cow that I didn’t plan on seeing. I’m like, thanks, Obama. Cows are just free.
Running free. Anyway, blame and the praise.
We got a few Halloween callbacks. Some people are late to the game, but we still need to give them the love They need Halloween as we know is 2 weeks ago, but yeah, it’s okay. Jacob from Columbus writes in. I was the earth. John, why don’t you share this with us?
I would love to. I was the earth. James Jacob says I dressed up as the Earth for Halloween to earn bonus points towards my college biology exam.
Oh, do what you got to do.
Yeah. I mean, you could have. I mean, it’s biology. You could have dressed up as the umbilicus, but you chose the Earth and
I could have dressed up as a portal. I can’t say that. What do you mean? I don’t know. I don’t know. What do you mean? It all depends on what you mean. I’m a homeschooler. I don’t know what I’m saying.
Okay. Well, where was I?
I’m the second sentence.
OK. I arrived at school in need of finding a private place to put on my inflatable costume. I chose the poorly lit school auditorium. When I began to inflate myself, I slowly noticed my shoes disappearing. Fully inflated. It was nearly impossible to pick up my backpack off the floor.
That’s why I got the surgery. Couldn’t see my feet either. Couldn’t see your feet fully inflated? Nope.
Jacob imagine, he says, I imagine myself falling over and rolling down the aisle of the theater, coming to a halt against the stage all alone. That would have been funny to see actually.
Little feet poking out would be like Willy Wonka. He’s rotating like the earth’s supposed to be.
Yeah. Really quickly and off of its axis. Well with backpack in hand and caution about me, I began to walk outside as I was walking to my class as a huge ball. I got a lot of smiles, giggles, and looks from students walking by. When I entered the classroom, the class burst out laughing and multiple students requested a picture with me.
Because he’s famous, right? Everybody’s favorite home.
That’s a good point. Terra firma. Well, James, All the struggles paid off in the end because I received the much needed bonus points.
Awesome. You get a bell even though you didn’t ask for 1, because he was the Earth. He was our home.
He was. I wonder if anybody tried to walk across him.
I don’t know. He’s a globe. I wonder if anybody’s tried to stick a pin in him. I don’t know.
I wonder where his head came out. Was it the North Pole?
He did a flat earth virgin. Or it was just a platter wrapped around his neck. You know, he just had to keep it really even.
It’s really inflated. Yeah, just ver horizontal horizontally.
Couldn’t see over the icebergs. You know, right.
Because I mean, it’s the just the wall, the the great shelf or whatever they call it.
Yeah. Anyway. OK, so you’re going to puncture in yourself. John Anyway, this guy I saw a video, he was so stupid. He’s a kid. I mean, he’s 25. So he’s not a child, but he’s still a kid, right? He opens up this knife and you could just tell he’s at a knife show and he’s wondering how sharp it is. So he kind of pokes himself in the stomach and then he puts it back down. And then suddenly he looks down and he lifts up his shirt blood. He lifts up his shirt underneath blood pouring out. He
had barely poked himself and stabbed himself. What It was like the tiniest little poke. That thing was so dang sharp. So that was stupid.
Yeah, don’t do that.
Yeah, it’s from a place I follow called Screw Around and Find Out, And it’s all about that kind of stuff. People doing stupid things and then immediately.
I couldn’t watch that.
That 1 was a rare 1. I didn’t know what was going to happen. He was just like testing it against his clothes, but it went through his clothes and through his skin in the tiniest of pokes.
So crazy. What kind
of knife was it? I have to know it.
I don’t know. It was like a fold open knife, you know, like a pocket knife. It was just sharper than crap. I don’t know. I guess he was. I don’t know. I don’t know. You know, we’ve all seen those plastic giveaway, you know, giveaway knives that you use to pretend like you’re going to stab somebody. He kind of just did 1 of those and it just went. He didn’t even feel it. It was so sharp. He noticed the blood on his shirt and there was a lot instantly. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I think he tried to
run away.
Do you think that he poked his umbilicus?
He definitely made a new 1. Yeah. He made a new 1.
Maybe he was trying to perform that same surgery that you
had. He was trying to get rid of some extra skin. He definitely split some. He was tailoring all right. Hey, we got some middle school drama.
Dang it!
Move out of the way, stupid.
This is called Kit Kat Kickback. It’s from Oscar. He says, This story happened very recently on Halloween. Me and my friends just had gone trick or treating or something and we went back to 1 of my friend’s house to trade our candy. 1 of my friends had the idea to steal a Kit Kat from my friend who absolutely loves his Kit Kats and pass it down the table. He passed the KitKat to my friend who passed it to me. I decided I would engage in some Tomfoolery. Tomfoolery. Is that what the kids are saying these days,
John?
I don’t think so.
I don’t know anyway. Maybe the homeschoolers are, but I don’t know. And I would trade Kit Kats back to my friend, the 1 that they stole. So he ran this, we ran this trick all night. Every time I would get it passed down, I would trade a Kit Kat for a piece of his candy. By the time he figured it out, I doubled my supply of Reese’s cups. Hope’s just makes shit on the show. Oscar, Oscar, you are delightful and evil at the same time.
And Tom Foolery, I say.
Yes. What’s there to think to engage in? I don’t think anybody’s done any legitimate tomfoolery since like Reagan was a baby. So.
Tomfoolery.
Yeah. It’s like when’s the last time you saw a Scallywag? You know, Same time you saw somebody up to some Tomfoolery. That’s why.
That’s right. Scallywags committing Tomfoolery.
When’s the last time you got Vim and Vigor from a soda? You know?
Oh yeah, all I get is belches and… Bubbles and burps. Yeah.
But and then on that note, we know what Vigor is, right? But what the freak is Vim?
It sounds like something that comes from a Fallout game.
Yeah, it does.
I got some film. I need to take it so I don’t die
Nuka-kola Vim. Yeah. Anyway, let’s do some feature stories All right, so we live in the first world, people. What that means, you’ve heard of third world countries, right? America is a first world country. And if you didn’t know that, then now you do. The more you know. Dun dun dun dun. We have issues here that we deal with in America too. That we complain about to each other, the weather, stuff like that. Wifi. But yeah, bad wifi or not free wifi or how hot or cold the plane is that we’re flying the miracle of flight. That
would make anybody in the second or third world country just scratch their heads and like you’re complaining and you have access to health care and stuff. So, like, for instance, I’ll be the first 1 to put myself down in that respect and say that shopping for a car is the worst thing in the world. The first world, that is.
Right.
It is 1 of the worst things that you ever have to do in the first world. According to Jessica, who sent in this voicemail, snorkeling is also 1 of those things. So let’s find out, shall we?
Okay, I’ll tell you 1 more story all right, so Grandma Papa Aunt Weezy and I went to We were on vacation. Okay. Yeah. I think I think it was The Bahamas or Grand Cayman.
I can’t remember.
It was when…
Grand
Rats. So anyways, Grandma and Papa wanted, really wanted us to go experience snorkeling. And I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t. I was thinking about jaws. Yeah, I was thinking about like just
standing in the water. Did you watch the movie Jaws?
Yeah.
Okay, so anyways he convinces us and we and it’s a beautiful day and we are out, we start to, like we walk out from the beach to go snorkeling and we get out there and there are some other snorkelers and they’re feeding the fish. So there’s tons of fish all around. So I’m like, okay, do
these fish
bite? And my mom was like, no, as long as you keep your fingers in, like keep your your hands balled up, right? Hold on.
So that’s like this, right?
As long as you keep your fingers tucked in, the fish won’t accidentally nip a finger when you’re feeding them. So I am like white knuckled. Both my fists are in and my fingers are tucked in.
You know? Like really tight.
Yes, really tight. Okay? And Aunt Weezy, same thing. She’s white knuckled, swimming with the fish and feeding them and stuff like that.
Okay? How do you feed them when they’re in your like this?
That’s true. That’s true. So I guess at some point you have to open 1 hand to to feed them So anyways, we’re feeding them and all the sudden a fish Bites Aunt Weezy on the top of her hand Like on the as her knuckles are all it’s not supposed to happen all tight and tucked in we were promised it here Okay. Yeah, So she yelps and all of a sudden there’s, she starts bleeding and now there’s like blood in the water. Oh no! Do you know what animals, do you know what things are attracted to blood
in the water?
Sharks. Right?
So I am at this point starting to hyperventilate. My dad’s like, calm down, calm down. I’m like, don’t tell me to calm down. You calm down. And then, and so now I am freaking out more than Aunt Weezy and Aunt Weezy is the 1 who is bleeding and bitten, right? In the water. She doesn’t see the shark. Okay, so I’m like, right dad, we need to get out ASAP. We need to go. We need to get going. This isn’t cool. Right? So then I proceed to climb onto Papa’s back while he is snorkeling. But of course
he’s not going to, he’s not able to like float and snorkel and have me on his back. So I am now climbed up on his back perched on his back, trying to and Pupp is merely drowning. And yes, because it was awful
biting fish.
You say we got back to the beach, but no sharks came.
Thank goodness. Yeah.
So I don’t like snorkeling either. And I was going to do it. We were on a Disney cruise and they have their own island called Castaway Key.
Oh, I’ve heard of that. That’s cool.
It is very cool. It used to be owned by Pablo Escobar or something. He used to really run drugs through there. There’s still a big landing strip that they use to transport stuff back and forth legally, of course But anyway, they have a snorkeling area that is this open to the ocean But it has nets of stuff that’s not too big could not come in and so it’s safe But I knew I was gonna do this So I got a waterproof underwater case for my phone so that I could take pictures and videos underwater. I just
thought this would be great. I was really looking forward to it until I did it for the first time and figured out I was suddenly scared to death of fish. And them touching me. And so my first video was like, yay. Ooh, ooh, ooh, they’re getting close. They’re getting close. So it’s literally that. That’s literally the soundtrack. And so I didn’t do it.
It’s underwater.
Yeah. I was screaming through a tube and bubbles and everything. Yeah. It’s coming out. So yeah, they don’t tell you about the daggum fish being just not scared of you at all. I guess I expected them to be like squirrels where they’re close to being certain distance from you or birds perhaps. But then when you get close, they kind of flitter away. No, they don’t care. They will come up and touch you and apparently bite you. And if I had a fish bite me, I would be very scared. I would try to bite it back though.
I’d grab it out of the water. You like that?
How about some sushi?
That’s what I did to my son. First time he ever bit me, I bit him back. He never bit another person his whole life.
You know, I’ve heard that that’s a very good parenting technique. Yeah. That way they experience it and they don’t do
it again. If you’ve ever taken your kid to a daycare center where there’s a biter, yeah, then you know the only thing that cures that.
I don’t know if I could bite another person’s child, but maybe.
I should offer it. I can get on a marketplace, Facebook marketplace.
Do you have a biter?
Yeah. Do you have a biter? I can cure him in about 15 seconds.
I wonder if that works.
We’ll trade bites. Yeah, he’ll bite me. He’ll break the skin. I’ll freaking gnaw his ear off. What happens if he wants to do it again? You want to bite me again? Nope. All right, that’ll be $300. Cured.
Cured. That’s amazing. And also very lucrative, perhaps.
Absolutely.
You have to get shots.
And I get a nice snack out of it. I
got an ear. I’ll just put them
on a necklace. I’ll wear them. Like, look how many customers. I don’t need your reviews. This is how many stars I got right here. I’m a 50-year man. That’s right. Some people collect scalps and fingers. I collect ears.
Yeah. Sounds like quite a price to pay for not biting anymore.
Yeah, but you should have known better. You should have taught your kid early and just give them a little bite when they gave you a little bite and it would have avoided all of that. But, you know, there are times that kids are just bad on purpose and then there’s times that they’re just In the way, like in the next story.
Yes, yes, perfect. This is a young little pancake, James. This comes to us from our friend Shea in Morton, Illinois. Awesome. And the story goes like this. Around 2 years ago, we were invited to my cousin’s wedding. I was newly dating my boyfriend at the time. We had been together about 4 months in this point. At this point, things were going very well. So I brought him as my date. Oh. The cake cutting happened. The dancing had begun, and it was time for the bouquet toss.
Oh, boy.
My time to shine, she says. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but the bouquet toss is meant for women who intend to get married or hope for Whoever catches the bouquet is supposed to be the next 1 to get married.
I
had been through several heartbreak breaks in my life and things were going very well at this point with my boyfriend of 4 months.
Hey, Everything’s relative, man. She may have only lasted 3 weeks up to this point, you know? So 3 or 4 months, new world record. I’m thinking she’s thinking future forever plans.
This is it. I mean, we have this saying in our house and it’s something that men pass down. You only choose a date who would make a good mate. Right. So she’s had that in the forefront of her mind. That’s okay. That’s okay, Shay. It’s good. So I was done with the dating scene. I was going to catch that bouquet and get in the group of women with my eye on the prize, not seeing a young girl enter the crowd. What? The bouquet is tossed. In my opinion, any adult woman is fair game. I was going
to fight for that bouquet. Fate was on my side that day. The bouquet was coming right towards me. I lunged for the bouquet, all 250 pounds of me. What I failed to see was the young girl who jumped in front to also try and catch the bouquet. Somehow by the grace of God, I happened to see her. So I had to make a choice. Do I steal the bouquet and crush this young girl or do I lunch to the side? Oh, yeah. What do you think she did? James, What do you think?
I don’t know. I can’t wait to hear.
Oh, wow. She says, my conscience got the best of me and I just nearly missed the girl. I did not get the bouquet.
Wrong 1. I was wanting a… No, I was wanting a Debbie Downer sound and I don’t have 1.
Well, we need to get 1.
Or just an audience going, oh. 0. Yes, thank God. I don’t
think I have anything like that.
No, I’m going to add it. I’m going to add it for you, Shay. Yes, Shay,
you have brought in a new sound bite here. Well, let’s get the rest of the story. I must have scared the entire crowd, the girl and her mother, because later in the night, the mother brought her daughter to apologize.
He has a double awe.
At the time, I wasn’t upset, just relieved that nobody had to wake up to a news article saying, young girl dies crushed under morbidly obese woman. Now, I’m bitter.
Yeah. Keep your kids out of the bouquet toss. Yes. They’re too young to get married anyway. It’s not cute. They don’t belong there.
Yeah. And if they catch it, then it’s just weird.
Yeah. Right. Because then they got to get married all of a sudden. And we don’t like married kids.
Yeah.
I’ve never talked to a married kid. That’s how much I hate them. Oh, geez. I don’t think I have either.
I must hate them too. Well, Shay finishes off by saying, I’m invited to a wedding next year. And next time I’m not going to let my conscience get the best of me.
All right, girls, you heard it.
Shay’s coming armed.
She’s coming ready. She’s gonna use, she’s putting all her weight behind this. So.
It’s a battle gear.
Oh, man. Good job, Shay.
Yes, I agree, Shay. Good job. And listen, I don’t know. I don’t think you’re morbidly obese at 250. Trust me. I think you’re fine.
Just own it, sweetie. I did, man, when I was. And you be all that you can be.
Be all you can be.
And just own it. And get that dad gum bouquet. As a formerly fat man I am so impressed that you were able mid-air to switch it up like you were in the Matrix and land sideways. And people don’t know skinny people don’t know how much it hurts to fall because you are heavy and it moves, moves everything. Every muscle gets torn somehow, like ruins you for a day or 2. So I feel it. I feel your pain. And she did owe you an apology.
She did.
She did, dadgummit. So, Shay, don’t shy. Don’t be shy. Just hang out. All right. Anyway, hats off to you, Shay. You made the recap song. I’m just going to tell you that right now.
All right. And earned a new sound bite.
That’s true. That’s true, Shay.
And teaser, that is like the kind of stories we’re going to be reading for our upcoming wedding episode.
That’s right. I know it was such a good story. I was like, please, can I use it now? Please, can I use it now? And she’s like, oh yeah, I didn’t even know about the theme song, theme show. Sure. I’m like, great. Thanks. I said, you’re going to make the recap song. So, this one’s called delivering more than the mail. Pat from Beaverington, Oregon. I wanted to read this 1 to John. I’m a letter carrier in Southwest Portland. When I had a walking route, I put my headphones on. So he’s got headphones in, it’s important. And
I go about my day delivering the mail, listening to music. Some neighbors have a group box that services a block of houses. So I was there for a while delivering at 1 of these boxes. I had some time I was alone and I needed to pass a little gas Just then my music stopped after I did and I heard someone behind me So they had been there waiting for a while My body went a little rigid I just closed up the box and continued on with the rest of my route like my music had never stopped.
So if you’re in the Beaverton area and your letters smell like pizza, it wasn’t me. Yeah, let’s cook a pizza here.
Oh, man. I love those headphones and fart stories.
Because the whole world is gone. It’s just you and your music. You know, I can do anything I want in the library, in the grocery store, in the car. You know, just fillet. Yeah, fillet. It completely removes you from reality.
Yeah, you just, it’s just you and your music and nobody’s behind you or around you. And you can just let yourself go. Be free.
All right. We got a story from Amy. It’s a voicemail. It’s called Stolen Prescription. So let’s check it out.
Hey guys. So my story today involves glasses. So I got glasses very young and my best friend, she was a bit jealous that I had time and she didn’t. So 1 day we were playing dress up and I put off my glasses laid them on the counter and put on a dress and When I came back for my glasses They were gone And I was like, I don’t know where I put them. And I looked everywhere. I could not find them finally. When I had looked everywhere, and she helped me look. My best friend helped me
look everywhere. Finally I said, did you take my glasses? No. Did you take my glasses? No. Can you look in your pocket for me? And then she pulled him out of her pocket Wondered how they got there That was the time my friend almost stole my prescription glasses and I kept my cool and pretended she didn’t try to steal them.
That’s a good friend, Amy.
Are you though? Girls are girls are so different sometimes. Just the way they operate.
Yeah.
Yeah. Because your, your friendship with her was more important than the truth and she wasn’t a good enough friend to not steal. So my logic is a little boy would have been, you’re not my friend anymore because you try to steal my glasses. You glasses thief. You’re not even good about you helped me look for them. You are a deceiver and a liar And a thief. And now you’re going to get punched in the gut. Maybe. Or I’m taking my ball and going home at minimum. And my glasses too. Amy was so into the dress up
game. She’s like, this can’t end just because she’s a scumbag.
Just because she tried to steal my prescription glasses.
And then looked for them with me and then lied about it and then… Wow. …Then pulled them out and pretended like she didn’t know where they came from. Are you a magician, Amy? That’s amazing. I don’t know how that happened. Where’d those glasses come from? So maybe it’s just Amy. Maybe she’s just a sweet girl and she kept her cool, like she said. But after I was done with her, The friend would have needed glasses. That’s all I’m saying. Yeah. You want some prescription glasses? I’ll mess up the mice for you real good.
You wouldn’t punch a guy with glasses, would you?
You wouldn’t download a car. How’s that go? I don’t remember, but I know exactly what you’re talking about.
You wouldn’t steal a car. Wait, no, it’s got to be your bull.
Now, if I could download a car, I would.
Dude, make it a lot easier for shopping.
Hey, that’s right. Right. All right. We got 1 more voicemail and then that’s the end of the show, except for all the cool stuff that we do after the show. This is called Cringe Cakes and it’s from Steven and I’ll let him introduce himself as he takes advantage of his spotlight.
Hey, James and John, it’s Stephen Forrester here. Got a story for you today. I travel and sing gospel music for my living.
I travel
and sing and play instruments and do ventriloquism in concerts all across the country. And several years ago, back when I was singing with my wife, my brother, and my sister-in-law, we were scheduled to sing for this RV park. And at the park, they had a screened-in pavilion. It was all covered, and they had chairs set out. And you could have maybe 120, 150 people in there. I think we had about 60 or 70. So nice little crowd We sang had a great time and we knew in advance that there’s gonna be a lady there who was
kind of like our 1 Groupie she’s like in our 60s. She had seen us at her church and a couple other places And she just really loved our ministry for whatever reason. I guess everybody deserves 1. And she had told us in advance she wanted to make us a dinner for after the concert. So we knew that and you know, that could be depending on who’s doing it, that could be scary or creepy in the nowadays, but we knew this lady so it was Okay, not a big deal. And it was very sweet of her. And
after the concert, they took all the chairs down, we packed up our sound equipment, and she spread out all this food that she’d made for us. And in particular, she was really, really excited about these cupcakes she had made. Like she worked on other food, but she had really worked hard to make these cupcakes just so perfect and she couldn’t wait for us to try her special cupcakes Well, we finished the main course of the dinner and came time for dessert and she brought out the cupcakes We’re like, okay Well, she’s been raving about these cupcakes
and how she was so excited for us to try them. We all each member of the group grabbed a cupcake, took a bite, and as soon as we took a bite, we reached back and you pull it from your mouth, and we saw each cupcake was filled with cat hair. I didn’t even know this lady had cats, but every cupcake was full of cat hair. And then as we kind of would peel the paper further away from the cupcakes, as you’re peeling the paper away, You’re used to having like crumbs from the cupcake pull away. Well,
that’s natural, but crumbs aren’t supposed to have cat hair sticking to it. But we had to take a bite and we had to be nice. And we wanted to feed cat
hair as part of
our meal after the concert. So that was an experience I’ve only had 1 time in 16 years of ministry, and hopefully we’ll never have again. But that’s my story. Hope you guys enjoyed that.
Oh, No, I didn’t at all. Didn’t like that at all. It’s a gross thing ever. What would you say
if you were in that situation?
I would have spit it out. I’m not drinking. I’m not eating no cat hair biscuits. I’m not doing that. I have… That sounds like… That’s… Oh, I mean, seriously, I would make her cry. Not on purpose, maybe, but I wouldn’t care if she did. What’s wrong with them? Look at this. I’m hacking up a freaking her fur ball. Dad, come on. How many cats help me? Do you have? You know, that you’re getting your… Were they in the baking sheet? You know, was the cats walking in the dough? I mean, how do you…
Little faces all up in that flower bag before they got to the…
Did you stuff them with a ball of hair? Did you
do it on purpose?
Yeah, you know.
My cats will be a part of your life. Yeah. Whether you want them there or not.
Well, that’s like when my mom brought us that jerky. And while we’re eating it, she’s like, you know, my little cookie died. And all of a sudden, my wife’s face, her eyes got big and I was like, what’s the deal? And I finished my jerky. She leans over. She’s like, this is cookie jerky. You didn’t like my dogs, James.
You like them now?
I was like, I’m never eating anything my mom makes again.
And just to throw this out there, if your church does potlucks, this is kind of 1 of the reasons why I don’t like to stick around for them sometimes.
You never know what you’re going to get. I don’t
know what’s on your counter when you’re making cupcakes.
Yeah. I don’t know how long it’s been sitting in your car.
Oh, man.
Yeah. My mom liked to use to bring stuff to the house to eat. And it would be sitting in her trunk for 2 hours while she drove to our house. And I’m like, kids, no matter what she says, no matter what she does, you don’t eat anything. She has that she brought in. We’ll put it in Tupperware. We’ll keep some of it. We’ll throw it out when she leaves. But no, we ain’t eating nothing from grandma’s house because grandma has dogs everywhere. So yeah, and it’s been in the car for 2 hours. Well, that’s that. Got
a few announcements, stickers and key chains and hats were available. Merch.thatstorieshow.com. There’s t-shirts and all kinds of good stuff, posters. But if you get stickers, key chains, and hats, they come from my house. So I always throw extra stuff in when you buy 1 of those.
Like dogs hair?
Yeah. Next theme show is bikes, December 19th. Get them in, get the stories in. We’re wanting stories about bikes falling off of them, jumping them, doing cool tricks, hurting yourself or others, whatever. Even if it’s just your best trick that you ever pulled or tried to pull, whatever, just send those things in. Go to thatstorieshow.com and click Submit a Story. This podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon. Supporting listeners get ad-free listening, swag, and a weekly bonus podcast that some are saying is more fun than the real show. Have you heard this rumor?
I have not heard this rumor.
They’d say they don’t know what they like listening to more. The party or the after party. I think it’s a close tie.
So well, well, well,
try it out for you for 7 days at support dot that story show dot com. And special thanks for our producers, James Spangler, Carrie Wright and Christopher Tynan. And guys, it’s time to get out of here. Time to get toward that recap song. Do you have a story that you’d like featured on a future episode, I’m sure you do support the show or submit it to the show at thatstorieshow.com where you can type it or talk it. And while you’re there, join our mailing list to get the latest updates. Please take a moment and leave a
review on iTunes or Spotify. And remember when something weird, annoying, embarrassing or painful happens you don’t get stressed, don’t get depressed and don’t give up that bouquet. Just think hey this belongs on that story show. We’ll see you guys next week. Bye John. Bye James. Bye everybody. All right here we go. At my cousin’s wedding, I was ready already to catch the bouquet that day so I could get married, okay? I’m an eager little shamu jump when bouquets are thrown, But this baby girl, you put yourself in the splash zone A crisis of conscience, what do
I crush her for? Trying is getting married more important than this little girl dying I gave in, met her spirit like Harry and most Trinity Took the blue pill, didn’t kill her, but it killed my dignity. Cupcakes, high stakes, never know, maybe gross. Old ladies give patries they bestow, how God knows, is it fresh? Is it fine? Can I look it up online? See reviews before I choose if this is how I want to die? Meant well, you could tell But the best is she had in it In it Claire of Cat Hair Rose Award, I
know she’d win it Can I say my dismay? I’ll do ventriloquism K-throw voice, puppet noise It gives the criticism, yay!
I liked it I liked it Put that on the best hits too.
Oh, bye y’all. How you doing out there, podcast people? Welcome to Stuff That Didn’t Fit on the Show, where we put stuff that didn’t fit on the show. I’m James.
And I’m still John.
Yeah. And the story is through the after the show there, the chat room says, I have a dirty mind.
Yeah. Well, I don’t know why they would say that.
I claim that I do not have a dirty mind. I just have a mind that’s not as clean as John’s.
And I and I say and I argue that I have a lot of filters within my brain and I didn’t go to public school as a kid. So yeah,
I did. I did. I have the mind of a middle schooler. John has the mind of a homeschooler.
So a mom portal is a belly button.
That’s right. For me. Get more from that story show today. Support.ThatStoryShow.com