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In this hilarious episode packed with funny real-life stories, Emmy’s daughter creates a farty catchphrase, Johnny learns what it means to “take an arrow to the knee,” and Aaron faces an angry train demon. Meanwhile, Monique’s family heads toward Hades, and Marshall’s little brother is clueless about needle placement. Get ready for laugh-out-loud anecdotes that’ll leave you on the floor!
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Full Transcript:
Welcome to that story show where your hilarious anecdotes takes the spotlight. Hey, podcast people. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison.
And my name is John Steinklauber. And this week on that story show, we’ve got some exciting stories. Emmy’s daughter coins a farty phrase. Johnny takes an arrow to the knee. Erin upsets a train lady. Monique’s family is going to Haiti. And Marshall’s little brother doesn’t know where needles go.
Doesn’t know where needles go. Goodness, crisis. Is he homeschooled? You know, I don’t know. Because there’s only 2 kind of needles I know about. There’s the kind that go in the biohazard box, you know, the kind that are reused by junkies. And then there’s sewing needles. And then I guess there’s needles on cactuses. Pine needles. Yeah, pine needles. Yeah, There’s more needles than I gave the world credit for.
I know where those go. It’s like my wife last night at dinner, she was like, she’s like, what? How ridiculous is it that we have a sport that you can’t cheer at? And I’m like, what are you talking about? Golf? She says, yeah. I’m like, well, what about tennis and diving and bowling? And she’s like, it’s all these fancy schmancy sports that you can’t, you gotta be quiet at. And she even said that apparently in the Olympics, in the Olympics, there was all these girls that were on the Elevated monorail thing. I don’t know what they call that. You know what I’m talking about. Elevated monorail? Yeah, it’s like a pole, but it’s horizontal and they walk across it and they do flips on it and stuff.
The pommel horse? No, that’s got handles. Oh, that’s the thing they flip in.
And they flip around. Anyway.
The gymnastics bar thing.
Yes. Yes, That’s it. That’s what I was going for. Anyway, she was saying that a lot of the girls were falling off. Like 6 out of 8 girls fell off the thing.
And Probably because somebody oiled it.
That would be pretty funny.
But it would
be yeah, the skaters came by and waxed it up.
Dude, it was excellent. This thing was gross.
But they say it was the girls nerves because of the silence in the room. Oh. So where they train, if you’ve ever been in a gym, Nasty’s place, there’s all this background music, there’s noise, there’s kids, there’s just a hundred things going on. And they said the intensity of the quiet was just so much that it couldn’t handle it and they’d fall off. So they need to make some noise for the Olympics next time.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I’ll get on that.
Yeah. So anyway, My week’s going great. I have some sad news though. Today is not Friday. I thought it was Friday all day.
Did you have Monday off? Yes. Okay. So it should feel like it’s only Wednesday.
I know. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I just thought
it was Friday all day and
I was so excited.
I’m like when 430 comes around, it’s the last 430 of the week. And at 435, I looked at the clock and like I’m running late for the show I’ve got to get home and and I was like, oh I didn’t take the trash out for Friday and so I started delivering, you know dumping out trash and 1 of the ladies like What day is it? Is it are you not coming in tomorrow? And I’m like,
it’s Friday, right?
And she’s like, no, it’s Thursday. I’m like, it’s Thursday, it’s show day. Of course it’s not Friday. And such an idiot. And she’s like,
make sure you come in tomorrow.
Yeah. So You just forget to set your alarm.
Oh my gosh. So I got a whole nother day. Oh man. That’s the sad news. In case you didn’t know, it’s Friday tomorrow.
It’s Friday tomorrow.
We always start with an opening story. This one’s called Chili Chuckles. It’s from Emily. And my daughter Chloe was about 3 and she talked like a three-year-old would talk. So 1 day she was playing with her brother, Ollie, in his room. And I walked in to get him ready for church and I smelled something off. I said, gross, who’s the stinky 1? And Chloe giggled and said, I’m a grassy Francelli.
I said, a
gassy Francelli, baffled but amused, thinking she had given herself a funny nickname, she repeated herself, no, I’m a grass, a gassy friend, Chili. I can’t even say it. So we went back and forth, me and Ollie giggling as it just got funnier and funnier, she tried to correct us. She just got more and more frustrated. Finally, she said it really slow because obviously we weren’t getting the lingo. No, I’m gassy from chili. Ah. Gassy from chili. I like
gassy from chili way better.
When it finally clicked that she was admitting the gas was hers from the previous night’s chili, I had the best laugh ever. Even now, a year and a half later when someone breaks wind, we ask if it was actually Gassy Franchelli.
Hey, it’s a Gassy Francelli.
I like that guy. Now I can finally blame it on someone.
Who let Gassy Francelli in? You know? Oh, you stink,
Gassy Francelli. Take a shower.
You should get a t-shirt with just that name on it
Gassy Francelli
I get your name Is that new Italian restaurant town? Maybe it’s a print of So it Looks like you have a name tag on him. Hi, my name is Gassy French.
I like that. That could be a good t-shirt design.
I should I shall try.
You don’t have
I feel like my new job takes my life away from me. Yeah. Like I like it, but it’s amazing to me how much of my life I give away to it.
Hopefully they give you a paycheck at
the end. Yeah, they do. But again, maybe it’s just me being old, but I’m like, there’s a lot of time I’m trading for this paycheck. It’s just, I don’t know. I never thought about it when I was young, but man, nowadays I’m like, I’m going Gray between each paycheck. I’m getting a little grayer So what do you do? Oh, let’s do some reviews Brought you by podgagement.com our good friend Daniel J Lewis where you can get all kinds of stuff, but primarily You get you get all the reviews from all over all the world and it’s
great. We got 1 from the US. She says it’s 5 stars. Somebody’s listening. I love this podcast so much. It’s amazing and hilarious. And her name was just emojis for days. Oh. Like it had no letters. It was just a bunch of emojis.
So it could have been a dude. No. No, there was girly emojis
enough to the point. You always question my ability to guess genders. Do you realize this? I listen to every show and every time I guess a gender, you’re like, you could be wrong. Hey, I’m a guessy, Francesle,
leave me alone.
But based on the string of hearts and girly emojis, I think I’m safe to assume it’s female. All right, I still live in a world where that’s okay. It’s okay. It’s all right. Let’s do a news nugget. All right, a toddler cried on a nonstop flight, or she cried nonstop on a nonstop flight. So 2 strangers, 2 strangers locked her in the bathroom. Oh, so was that why she was crying? No, I’ll be crying
too if you like me in the bathroom.
2 airline passengers who locked a stranger’s crying grandchild in a plane restroom have caused an outrage in China. See the incident went viral after 1 of the 2 women, okay, what she did is she went up to the grandparents of this crying child and says, can I take care of this or something? She claimed she got permission, but at the end of the day, she grabbed the kid, went into the bathroom, held the child down in her lap, started recording on her phone, and this child is screaming and pawing for the door, trying to lean away
from the lady she doesn’t know. The stranger, right? Somebody’s outside holding the door so people can’t intervene. So there’s 2 ladies involved. And this happened on August 24th in Shanghai, on the way to Shanghai. So- Whoa.
That baby got Shanghai’d.
The lady said she took her into the restroom to educate her.
Okay. By education, she meant smother? I guess she posted
this thinking it was a good idea. So a day later though, criticism mounted in the airlines customer service department apologized for the incident and the quote unquote oversight of the crew. Go ahead and blame
the airlines fault.
Blame the low people, you know, and do that. Adding that it can tem the 2 passengers behavior. Well, that’s fine. According to the state run Southern Metropolis Daily. So 1 of the women who posted the video online said her intention was to ensure a restful flight for the other passengers, but her post quickly met with backlash. Many of the social media users, and granted China does use a different social media service than the rest of us, but they still are able to speak their mind about her being heartless and bullying the child. The video was later
deleted. So, but it’s out there. You know, once it’s out there, you can never truly delete it.
It’s never really gone.
So multiple state media outlets have also weighed in, accusing the 2 women of inappropriate behavior, calling for greater understanding from the public toward young children who cannot control their emotions. See, This is apparently a big debate in China because China wants to have more babies, badly. Really? Yeah, they’re promoting babies. After years and years of 1 child per household, they got a problem and there’s not many kids. People aren’t used to dealing with kids. And so now that people are having babies, they’re entering society and people don’t know how to handle them. So this is apparently
what’s going on. So
that’s interesting.
China where the boogeyman or boogeywoman is actually real. I’m just glad they like their flight. What do you do? Go up and grab the pilot and say, I’m going to educate you in the bathroom. So
okay. I don’t know.
I don’t know. Maybe that’s your answer to everything. Let me get my phone out. We’ll straighten you out in the bathroom.
I remember a time when I was in Sunday school. We met in this other church or something. It was a big room and there’s bathrooms off of it for some reason. And a few of us boys weren’t goofing off. And this 1 kid who was goofing off with me, his dad was a Sunday school teacher And he said, come to the bathroom with me, son. It was like in the middle of Sunday school.
Oh, because he was going to whoop him.
Yeah. Oh, and we heard it too.
Like the room got quiet because the
bathroom was right there on the roof. And we heard, whoa, whoa. That little kid came out, his eyes were all teary and stuff. I was like, never messing around in Sunday school again.
Never, never. I’ve told this story. It’s been a long time. My mom got reports from my Sunday school teacher that I like to make people laugh. Go figure. And I wasn’t being bad, but I was trying to make people laugh and I was disruptive. My mother doesn’t sit me down and tell me anything about this. She just gives the guy permission to whip me the next time I do it. So you
got whooped by this.
I don’t have a problem
with her giving him permission. It was 1978 or so. So those things were still done, you know, but to not warn a fella, that just means you don’t love me enough. Yeah, a little heads up on
that might have changed your
whole perspective. I told the teacher that he could tear you up next time you make somebody laugh. I’m going to be a good boy, but no, no, she,
not today, if
it had been the day and age of today where they had phones, she’d have been outside the freaking door filming and waiting. Oh yeah.
Hey James, guess what? Your mom said I could beat your pants.
So sure enough, I go to class. I’m happy as anything. My audience is there. I start off with my best jokes, making fun of Noah or something. Handing me animals.
Did they take Mr.
Are you sure it wasn’t 3? I bet it was eventually. You know, something, I don’t know what I said, but. He just said, James, can you come out in the hall with me? And dude, he put your hands on the wall, whippity, whappity, whippity. And I was like, Holy crap. He’s like, yeah, I got your mom’s permission. She has my blessing. And I got 3 wallops on the backside. Dude. And when they’re that young, you don’t even have to pick a cheek, man. That hand’s gonna hit both of them at the same time. Just paddle, paddle,
paddle. I don’t remember it hurting, but it was humiliating.
Yes. And that’s the thing about Spankin’s. It doesn’t usually hurt. No. Well, it kind of does, but…
It’s uncomfortable. I was kind
of hoping she wouldn’t have told you that he got permission. So you could have gone home and like,
mom, the sun is good. He’s your
wife. My tail.
No, no, I didn’t ever said anything. This is way before parents took the shot side of the child. I would give you 1 too. Yeah, exactly. If I went home and said this man beat me, say she never gave him permission. She would not be calling him. She would be, what did you do?
Huh. Yep.
And then she would. She would whoop me and make me apologize. So no, there was no telling there was no letting her know that her plan worked. He probably mentioned it to her. But I know there’s no way no way as I was ever going to do it. Let’s do some featured stories.
Let me tell y’all a story. Let me tell y’all a story.
All right, this is what we call it, homeschool drama.
So where does your son go to school?
All right, this is called puncture panic by johnny from grandview I about a year ago The place I live had some pretty bad storms with a lot of hail And our roof got damaged. So my mom and dad paid some people to fix it. It took about a day and we had to stay at my grandma’s house the whole day because they were so loud. Anyway, they finished, so fast forward like a week and it’s raining again and I was running around barefoot in the yard because my little brother really wanted me to play in the
rain with him. So we were running outside and I felt something poke me in the bottom of my foot.
I lifted my foot up to see what it was and there was a roofing nail More than halfway in my foot.
Sorry, when it’s all caps, I have to yell it. So we went to the hospital. John’s passing out over there.
I don’t like the thought of anything going in a foot.
I don’t either. Have you ever seen that scene in House of America? That’s not what it’s called. It’s called Home Alone.
And yes,
yes, slowly steps on that nail and it just slowly goes in.
So that’s Marv. Yeah, you know, they they did a little behind the scenes on that, right?
No, I never saw
that nail was actually made out of rubber. So when he stepped on it, it just curled right up under his foot.
Well, I knew it wasn’t real, but I didn’t know how they did it. I didn’t know how they did it.
I didn’t know how they did it either.
This was pre CGI
Every time
this practical effects every 1 of them Yeah, can you imagine trying to make paint cans? It won’t hurt a killer guy when they sling them around a stairwell, you know, So anyway, so we went to the hospital. That’s how bad it was. Oh, go. The hospital people had to let us through the metal detector, even though it beeped, because my foot had a nail in it setting it off. So I got a wheelchair. How fun is that? You know, I don’t know about you, but when I go to the doctor, I want all the perks. And
I love my wheelchair ride to the front at the end. They ask, if they ask, do you want a wheelchair ride up to the front? It’s policy. And I’m like, of course, of course I want you to do that. And if they want to put gas on me to make something feel better, I’m like, yeah, turn it up
and give me the gas. I’m gassy French Ellie.
You know, this stuff is going to make you feel a little high. I’m like, Hey, it’s the only way I’ll ever feel high in my life. Pour it in, put it in my, my veins, whatever. I love it all. I love being, I love counting backwards from 10 and waking up and not knowing where I am. I would be a horrible, horrible drug abuser or alcohol abuser if I ever partook, but I have never partaken and I’m afraid to because seriously, dude, I love it.
You don’t want to be that.
I don’t want to do it. So anyway, going for procedures that you don’t need. Yeah, I would man. I would I would do it. So the foot nail was setting it off. I got a wheelchair in the doctor. She have the gigantic needle In
my foot right next to the nail.
I Wonder if they hit inside the skin static electricity zip through But no he was pumping drugs in to try to try to numb the area
Yeah, it’s a
new generation because what would your parents have done before they took you to the hospital? It would have
been my mom was a nurse, so she just pulled it out.
Exactly. My mom was not a nurse, but she was an 80s nurse and she had to pull that joker straight out Poink and I don’t know if she would have even take me to the doctor. She would have probably put a what are they? Those oh My gosh the ones the the band-aids that pull your parts together where they call them butterfly Thank you butterfly kept trying to say bootstrap or something stupid. That works too. Yeah.
Bootstrap band-aid.
Butterfly band-aid on that Joker. And if it ain’t infected in a couple days, we just saved ourselves a payment. So, you know, that’s what she would have done. But anyway, so he’s got a gigantic needle shoved in and then he pulled the nail out before the drugs kicked in. No blood came out. And the nail is really far in. So anyway, I got a Lunchable then and then I watched TV. See, I’d be like, where’s my lunchable?
And I’m still awake
here. He’s putting
me out. I don’t care that
they cost $100 here at the hospital and give me my lunchable. And I want a juice box. And I want to watch that TV with the weird remote that’s wired to my bed. So apparently some cheetah in a zoo stepped on a nail while I was watching TV. So that was weird. And I was really high on the way home. It felt awesome. See, see this guy’s just like me. Then I turned into a bat
and flew away. I love this show.
Keep it up. Johnny from Grandview. Man, me and Johnny are cut from the same cloth, dude. It’s a dangerous place to be. Cause I love it. I love being high. And I’ve only been high a few times and it’s all been legit and medical, which is why I can’t do, I can’t smoke weed. I can’t take too many pain medications. I only have 1 possibly controlled substance in my repertoire of depression drugs. And I am very strict about the amount I take and I count them twice. I count them when I put them in the box
and I count them before I throw them in my mouth because that’s how serious I am about not this addictive personality that I have. I’m not gonna be a druggy, you guys. You’re never gonna see us on VH1 behind the podcast. And there was this deep drug issue with James, maybe with John, but not with James. Why are you mean by that, man? I don’t know. I don’t know.
I like this naturally.
This is natural. Aaron from Oklahoma writes a story called Train Terrorers. It’s a little long, but it pays off. It’s got a good payout. So nearly every summer, I take a trip to Ukraine to visit my friends and help out with some children’s camps. Wow. Yeah.
That’s awesome. Ukraine. Ukraine, that’s on the other side of the world.
Yeah, due to the war though, there are currently no direct flights to Ukraine. So it’s necessary to take an overnight train from Warsaw to Kiev to get there.
He still, he went anyway.
There’s a few things that you should know about this train ride. 1, you ride the train in cars that if not made 60 plus years ago, they at least look like they were made 60 plus years ago. 2, the AC only works when the train is moving and it’s usually just hot in the summer. 3, your typical sleeping cabin pairs you with 2 or 3 strangers. If you’re traveling alone and fourth, when you cross the Polish Ukrainian border, It is a long process involving lots of not moving, 2 passport controls, and 2 hours of more of
workers loudly changing the wheels. Wait, what? From the Polish track gauge to the Ukrainian track gauge. My gosh,
how long does that take and why is that an issue?
How is that even a thing?
There’s a train. Train? Train wheels? Okay, So in America, we had people building from the East side toward the West and the West side toward the East, right? There’s a famous photo where they drove the last stake and these 2 trains met in the middle. And I guarantee you those trains when they bumped into each other were perfectly aligned.
Yeah, those tracks were just right.
But we are young in the world. Our country is younger than trains, apparently. So when they attached their trains, apparently they had 2 different measurements. Now my understanding is train width comes from carriage wheel width. And so maybe the carriage wheels in the Ukraine are different than the carriage wheels in the Polish side of things. I don’t know. Man. Or maybe they’re just crazy. But that’s nuts. Like train
wheels are like made out of metal.
How many train wheels are you changing out to get across the border?
I gotta look up a video of that
or something. How many trains are doing this and how many times per train?
That’s nuts.
You would think there would be like a transformer part to it. You would hear the sound. And it would just roll to the new wheel, you know, like both wheels would be connected to a mechanism and it would just turn and the new wheel would pop down. I don’t know, but they’re talking about trading wheels. Maybe they don’t take the wheel off. Maybe they just push it in a little bit or pull it out a little bit. Oh, you know what I’m saying? That makes more sense than heaving what I was imagining, you know, like a
NASCAR guy pulling off 1 set of wheels and putting on the new 1. Yeah. Anyway, we’re at
your last pit stop for the next 500 miles.
So we got to take a pace lap. We got to take a pace lap to get back online and let that guy in. On this particular trip, there was another important detail. I was in the last sleeping compartment of the train, which means we were next door to the bathroom. Oh, lucky you. And we had to leave our door open during the long stop for the workers to adjust something under our floor. I have a feeling that this was grueling, you know?
Yeah, and it’s hot because it only runs, the air conditioner only runs when the train is moving.
And what’s under my floor? This is not a Hogwarts Express experience here, where we get a coach, you know, first class little room.
Anything from the trolley days? Yes, I’ll have a chocolate frog, please.
You know, that’s not what this is at all. So if you’re wondering how a train bathroom smells, just imagine a porta potty that bounces around while you try to pee. Oh, So there’s also a personal note. I love gassy. What? Gassy Franchelli?
Gassy Franchelli?
But that’s what they call carbonated water in that area of the world. They call it gassy.
Gassy.
I love gassy.
I love gassy, Walter.
So gassy water.
This is Ukraine, I don’t know how they sound.
Yeah, I don’t know how they sound. So I go through many liters of it while traveling, especially on a long, hot train ride. I can’t stand carbonated water, dude. You like it.
Yeah, that’s pretty much all I drink.
Really? See, I first of all, since my bariatric surgery, I can’t have carbonated beverages. I mean, I can, but it’s uncomfortable. And yeah,
you don’t want to.
It is. It’s uncomfortable. I tried. I was like, I’ll do Sprite. I’ll do 7 up something with no caffeine, just a little bubble and dude, no, it cramps me up. It’s not fun. And they never told me I should sue, because I was really looking forward to getting back on my addiction to diet sodas. But I can’t stand it. I can’t handle it. But anyway, Yeah, I don’t like fizzy water because it’s just…
Gassy
water. Yeah, it’s gross. It’s just water. It has no flavor.
Well, I mean, I drink like La Croix and stuff that’s flavored.
Yeah, but I’m talking about just water with regular sparkling water. Yeah, I’ll drink that too
like a San Pellegrino or whatever this green bottle expensive only somebody gives it to me.
It’s cuz you’re white.
I’m cheap Oh, yeah that too
All this leads of course to the odd and unfortunate event Otherwise, this would be just a travel blog and not that story show. Well, thank you. That is a lot of lead up. That was a lot of context we had to lay down. My compartment mates were 2 ladies in their 30s or 40s that I didn’t think knew each other and that I definitely didn’t know. They were nice enough. And when they realized that I was just a dumb American guy, they helped me out when the conductors in housekeeping had come through. So soon enough, we’re
all well down the track and settled into our tiny bunks for the night. They had the top 2 bunks and I had 1 of the lower. So all was good. How awkward
is that though? That’s gotta be
weird. Sleeping in the same room with 2 women that you don’t even know.
Yeah, and like, what if they fart in their sleep or worse
or snore? Are you sure you’re not psychic? Oh, no. All was good until we got to the long, hot, open doorstop at the border. Between all the interruptions, we slept as much as we could, but it was a very broken and restless sleep. And all of a sudden, somewhere towards the end of the stop, I hear this angry, nearly demonic voice from above me, started to link me awake. Do I need to show you where the restroom is? It hissed at me in remarkably good English. I looked up, bleary eyed, I saw a disembodied upside down
head like from out of a TV glaring at me from the bunk above. It’s freaking it’s it’s the ring dude. Hair is hanging evenly down around it making it some sort of perverse halo in the dim train car lighting. What? I said, wholly confused. Do you need me to show you where the bathroom is? The head repeated, oh, it’s right there. I replied, pointing out the door, where the bathroom door was. Then go use it, said the voice. My sleepy brain protested with something between a statement
and a question, but I don’t have to.
An angry burst rolled around that night terror’s face. I’m tired of breathing your stinky air, it exclaimed, quickly retreating back to its layer above. Man, this lady is like my wife, dude.
You don’t want to wake people up with stinky air.
Yeah, but My wife, man, if you bother her after she falls asleep, she’s evil. Oh yeah. Dude, she’s so nice in real life. She’s so patient and kind. She’s thrifty, clean and reverent and all the other sayings of Boy Scouts and Roll Rangers piled into 1. But if the moment she goes to sleep, if you move, if you cough, if you roll over, she’s like, matter of fact, our wedding night, okay? Our wedding night, we fall asleep. And in the middle of the night, she gets up off her pillow
and she looks straight in my eyes
and says, I hate people who sleep with me. And she lays her head back down and goes back to sleep. And I was like, this would
have been nice to know beforehand. I might have changed my mind a little bit.
So there was no pre-nump, but I think I could have got it, you know, excommunicated or something. But anyway,
maybe that’s what you need to do is take her to the priest and have that exercise. Exercise.
Well, anyway, no, I’ve just learned to be very quiet and very careful now She’ll she’ll start at the doorway and run towards bed. That’s what it feels like anyway if I go to bed first She’s diving in like a cannonball. That’s what it feels like she’s like. I always try to be so quiet I’m like really It sounds like you’re jumping from the front door like like like we used to when we thought monsters were into the bed, you know, I got to jump from 5 feet away from the bed to get in before they grabbed
my feet. So apparently that’s the kind of lady this woman is. She was all nice to him before, but not in the middle. That’s what I was able to put 2 and 2 together, though, to see where she had made it to 5. Of course, that gassy water I’d been drinking. Well, the gas has to go somewhere. So apparently It had been finding the aft port while I slept. No, but it absolutely wasn’t stinky though. I’ll swear on the grave of the dog that James doesn’t like. I like that. And it wasn’t me being stinky. The
bathroom next to us in the hot train car with its door open, leading to our open door, wafting vapors into the top bunks. That’s
that
the demon that was spawning the stinky air. The squeaky spider was just getting the blame. That’s a
terrible, terrible squeaky wheel.
Squeaky spider, spider shaped. But the next morning was filled with awkward silence. But other than that, I made it peacefully to Kiev. I would not say you did. Where the air was quite fresh and lovely. Okay, Aaron Thank you for sharing your story with us as well was like That’s why I I will never travel I will buy out more tickets before I would yeah I’m gonna
have this area to myself
Seriously, how much do you think a ticket is to to Ukraine, you know, I?
Don’t know.
I mean they have to change the wheels on the way So maybe you have to tip some people. I don’t know.
You have to tip the workers. And tip the bathroom guy.
I mean, after you’ve complained, there was something under our floor they were digging for. You know, the lady with the trolley never came by, you know. Yeah. I had to share, you know, somebody was farting. It wasn’t me, but 1 of those other ladies was farting. So anyway,
I can’t imagine. So she had to have been a light sleeper. Yeah. And she probably is up there irritated already from the heat. And because you know, up higher, the air is warmer and in that closed compartment like that. And so she probably heard him toot once and then is like, oh, that’s it.
You can’t hold a sleep and fart against a person. No. You can think it’s funny, but you can’t hold it against, you can’t get angry. And I’ll say something right now. My whole marriage and the dating, 4 years of dating before that, I’ve never heard my wife fart once, not even in her sleep. Whoa. I know. Wow. I don’t think she does. I think she’s-
She might not be human.
She might not be.
She might be an android.
I’ve actually wondered, you know, there’s, there’s a paranoia that comes with depression sometimes and I’m like, she’s too good for me. She has been hired to spend her life with me.
Man, that’s a, that’s a commitment. Not a job, right?
Yeah. Like the Truman show was a commitment. Yeah. Yeah.
Better start looking for those cameras.
I have never taken it that far, but I have been like, are you on a payroll somewhere? Yeah.
I don’t know. That’s commitment. She gave you 2 kids too.
I know.
She never, you know, when she went to the CIA training academy, She never knew who she ended up with, but.
Wow. She had to start that training early. Yeah. Yeah. I think
it’s more like black widow training where they had her in 2 to 2 doing ballet and then she had to kill her parents or something. And yeah, it was like dark, but she had kids and they, black widows can’t have kids. Oh. Marvel canon,
yeah. I didn’t know that. That’s good to know.
Yeah. Tainted treasures comes from Monique in Idaho. This one’s bad. So we love to listen to your show, especially on family road trips. We always laugh when you talk about the placenta bowl, and we agree that that bowl should be retired. Okay. So for those of you that don’t
know. Just in case.
Yeah. You go back and listen to, I think it is called Placenta Bowl. Is that the episode name? But anyway,
I don’t remember.
We have a rule here on the show that once something has been used for a certain purpose, especially a gross purpose, it now belongs to that new purpose. The story in question, a lady brings a fruit cocktail or something in a bowl.
Some salad.
To a fruit salad of some kind to a church event. And as she’s washing the bowl, she comments that this is caught many a placenta. And it’s like, first of all, why do you say that? Secondly, Women are weird. Thirdly, I’m just saying it. I’m just saying it. Thirdly, once you’ve caught placentas, it’s a placenta bowl. Yeah, you
can’t use it for anything else. Yeah. You should just like put a label on it that says this is the official placenta bowl.
And this comes from a very dark place in my life because my mom bred dogs and I remember a pan, A biscuit pan that was used outside to feed the dogs. And the dogs would, you know, eat out of it. And then the next week- They put their
dirty paws
on it. Yes, exactly. And drag it around and end up upside down. And it was a good old pan. It had pits in it. You know what I’m saying? Like it was pitted. And so the next week, you know, on Sunday, there’s biscuits being made in that pot again. Oh no. So, and I was like, did they get all the pits, you know, on a, on a microscopic level? Is it, Is it really clean?
You ate dog food.
Yeah, I did. I ate dog saliva. I ate dog tire tread pads.
Probably some poo on there somewhere.
Yeah, exactly. That’s why I have this rule. OK,
yep.
So she says we agree until we faced a similar situation. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Dun, dun, dun. We were
on a recent road trip. Our five-year-old had gone, had to go to bathroom, bad. We were in a remote area, but stuck in traffic due to road construction, that kind that only allows 1 side of the road to go and then they allow the other side. So we couldn’t let him out to go on the side of the road because we would have to move maybe at any moment, right? Right, right. And then we would instantly be 5 miles away from him. So I looked around for anything that I could catch my son’s pee in as
I had no disposable cups. I had just finished my coffee
and the Yeti was the only thing I could offer.
So there in the car,
my son peed into my Yeti tumbler.
So poor Yeti, As he
got buckled in and we started moving again, I rolled down the window and dumped out the pee.
We were moving So it’s sprayed all over the people behind us.
My husband looked at me disgusted and said, that’s a pee cup now. You can’t use that for coffee anymore.
That’s an expensive.
And I rolled my eyes. I said, do You know how expensive yetis are? No way. It only had pee in it for a minute. And as soon as I get to a dishwasher, it’ll be good as new. You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself there lady. Yeah. So my family gave me a hard time and my husband said he could never watch me drink coffee from that yeti again without judging me. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Oh, man. You’re a Terrible person.
You want your drinker coffee because he knows,
he knows the coffee. There’s still pee in that freaking thing. You know, like have you ever taken a cup of something like Kool-Aid say, and you dump out the cup of Kool-Aid and you turn it up right. Did you get all the Kool-Aid out?
No, there’s a little bit in the-
For some reason, because of surface tension of water, there’s a tiny bit down there. You gotta rinse it and then you dump it out and the water is a little bit red. Then you rinse it again. It’s still a little bit red. And then you rinse it. And then finally you can switch to another beverage, right? So I don’t buy it that the dishwasher did anything. First of all, if there wasn’t a bottle washer minimum in there, No, there’s no excuse. I’m not going to make this right. This goes against every rule that we stand for.
And if we let it go, where does it stop?
2 days later, our son had to go to the bathroom bad again. This sounds like a kid problem.
Yeah, he might need to get his own yeti.
I told my wife about the story and she said, what’s wrong with letting a kid pee on themselves? That’s what he used to do. In traffic. I mean, let the clothes sop it up, you know? So anyway, this time we were at an amusement park. So my husband rushed with him to the nearest bathroom. When he returned, his head was held low. And he admitted that he could no longer give me a hard time about the Yeti. He told me that our son in his rush had chosen a toilet that had not been flushed previously and
contained in her phrase a brown duke. Sometimes sometimes I edit things and sometimes I don’t need to.
That’s beautiful. You contain a brown duke.
D-O-O-K. Almost sounds like a member of the monarchy, you know, it’s a brown duke, sir. My husband leaned over our son to flush. And as he did, His Oakleys fell from his shirt and into the toilet. He hesitated for
a moment.
He had a lot of thoughts going on through that mine, should I? But Oakleys are expensive. I could just wash it off, Surely. He threw his hand in and
grabbed him out.
He put his hand in the dookie water. They were wet and tainted by the dookie water. Her, her phrase, not mine.
The Duke of Brown. Oh, yes, I say.
Quite a relief for me out of that room. My husband said he washed them with soap 2 times before coming out. Not enough. He said, so I’ll have to buy a new pair. But I rolled my eyes. There’s no way he’s buying a new pair. So please settle this for us. James and John. If we wash
them real good, the Yeti and the
Oakleys are okay to keep using, right? Right? No!
No they’re not! I’m not giving my blessing to this! Are you crazy? This yeti is forever tainted. Your Oakleys are from Hades. The devil laughs at you
and your wily waves. Wow.
What are the chances that that happened on the same vacation. It’s almost like it was orchestrated by the devil.
The devil.
Oh my goodness. Well, do we really have to settle this? Cause I think she already has her answer.
It’s not okay. John, do you, do you, what are they called doctors when they, they, dang it, what’s the word? Do you, why didn’t I, it was in, it was in, the movie. Do
you concur? Do you concur, John? I had to shake my head around to get the word out.
Do you concur?
Sometimes you gotta do it. I’m gonna say this, all right? There’s a reason why medical equipment is made out of stainless steel. And so 1 could venture to say that the stainless steel inside of the Yeti cup has probably been cleaned well enough to…
No, no, no, no, no, John. You’re freaking rubber-necked, you’re waffling on this issue.
I am waffling.
You’re trying to be friends with Monique and this is not what the show’s about. It’s about the thousands and thousands and thousands of people besides Monique that need you, my friend, to be consistent in your belief structure, particularly the issue, the rule that we have in place that once a placenta bowl is a placenta bowl, it’s a placenta bowl. Don’t you think that placenta bowl was stainless steel?
I didn’t think about that. I was thinking a big Tupperware 1, which is disgusting.
If you’re catching placentas, you’re doing it in a nice stainless steel bowl, in my opinion.
No, not in my mind. That was a Tupperware bowl.
No, you’re not because then you got to opt for the option that they put a lid on it and kept it fresh.
Burped it. Stop
it. Okay. And I can’t
go there, John. My brain almost melted, saying it out loud.
So can
you just simplify this? You’re trying to get on Monique’s good side and you’re driving me up the wall. Who’s more important, John, my sanity or Monique’s little feelings?
I’d say that they need to. This is my official stance.
Monique, I will buy you a new Yeti. Okay, dead gum at the show. We’ll freaking buy you a Yeti. That’s how much I believe in this. John, you can kiss my butt. I almost said the real horny and I don’t even swear I almost said it dude, that’s how serious I am I gotta fix this
Monique yetis and Oakleys for everybody you get a little yeti and you get a yeti
They have to keep the 1 yeti though. No. That becomes the official peak up.
Okay, yeah.
For road trips. Keep that in
the car. And there’s Oakleys, you just gotta burn them. I’m sorry. Yes. There’s
no hope.
Yeah. So,
yeah. I’m halfway serious about that. Like if you email me, I might do it.
I’ll contribute part of my, my, my pence, penchant for, for that.
I mean, this is not what show money was intended for, but. You stand on that hill. I almost put the first swear word in our show. Yeah. Well, actually, John was the first 1. John said that a word at Narthex con 4 years ago.
I was in the story.
It was in the Bible.
You made me do that.
I had you quote scripture
and I wasn’t going to say
it was the same word too. And but you said it first. So yeah. So John, are you going to help me? Are you going to help me?
I will help you with that.
Seriously, my heart’s thumping fast.
I feel like I’m
on the high dive. What? My heart’s beating like I’m on the high dive, you know, as a child. Oh yeah. That pressure where you like, you can’t go forward, but you can’t go back, you know?
Yeah. Cause all the kids will laugh at you if you crawl down that ladder.
Well, And there’s kids going up that ladder because it’s 1976 and nobody cares about safety yet. There’s concrete playgrounds for the love of God.
There are.
All our playground equipment’s made out of metal.
Yeah. In the Florida sun.
Yeah. And we’re lucky if it’s painted. Lucky if it’s still got a coat of paint on it. We had
metal slides, James. Yeah,
we did. Metal. They were fast and awesome.
And they were.
And they were hotter than Hades.
Hotness of… Your leg catch that thing going down. Get a little sunburn.
These plastic ones that they got nowadays suck really bad. They are terrible, but they they are not nearly as warm. Yeah. That’s true. All right, we got some middle school drama Those of you knew the show when we have middle school drama and it’s this kind of middle school drama I have to read it in middle school drama voice. So here we go. Hello
James and what’s up? I guess tell John I said hi, our guest host, no, JK. Hi, James and John. I love y’all so much and I’ve been listening for a good 3 solid years now. I’m sorry, there will be no periods. Pluth, don’t hate me. Smiley face, frowny face. I’m a middle schooler, by the way, and a homeschooler, so play the sound okay.
Dang it! Move out of the
way, stupid. And that’s all you’re gonna get.
Play that 1, where does your son go to
school? Oh, that 1 too. So Where does your son go to school? Oh, that 1 too.
So where does your son go to school? Okay, to the story is kind of short. Hope it makes it on the show. Was 1 day a couple of weeks ago from today, today, when you, you, read this, My little brother and sis and mom were sewing and my little brother was helping. I of course was on my iPad playing some fantasy role playing game of course. So anyway, my brother accidentally dropped 2 needles. Oh, he found 1 and picked it up but he couldn’t find the other 1. So pointy finger he stood up and that’s when
my mom noticed the second needle sticking out of his crotch. Thankfully by God’s grace he is fine And it did not stab him. I will send in 2 more stories about myself getting hurt. I also am chewing gum while writing this lulz. Anyway, when my mom pulled out the needle, my brother turned into a bat and flew away. Bye. Love your faithfulness. Listener, Marshall with 2 L’s. Bye.
Oh gosh, That is the hardest to read story I’ve read in a
while. That sounded like it took a lot of energy.
It did. I need a break. And I need to tell you guys about an article that I wrote recently on that story show. It’s Secrets Revealed, how to get your story on the show.
Oh yeah, I saw that post on Facebook. I didn’t read it.
Yeah, no, it’s good. It’s like, seriously, the things that I look for and the tricks that you can use to get yours to the top of the heap. And 1 of the rules that I had to put in was do not write your story in a middle school version on purpose. Because sometimes people will do that. They’ll like, here’s a middle school version. And they’ll still version and you’re wasting your time because real middle school drama stories are born. They’re not created. But if you follow us on social media, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, you got this link.
I will also try to remember to link it in the show notes. But if you want to get your story on the show, we use as many as possible. It is very rare that I just put 1 away, but there are the rules that you can read on and find out why some show, some will never see the light of day. And 1 of the biggest ones, I mean, as far as me just instantly, archiving 1, cause I never delete them. I just archive them is if, if you put 2 sentences in and you didn’t care
enough to tell a story, you know, if I went to the store, it was fun.
Yeah. And I followed my head by,
You know, that’s usually what it is. And I’m like, okay, yeah, there’s not a story here. You didn’t tell a story. You just wrote something in goodbye. Next story, you know? And so, you know, short of that, I really, I’ll even, I’ll do some editing occasionally to make a story more enjoyable or better if I know the person did their best. You know, it doesn’t have to be perfect if There’s a misspelling here or there. Anyway, just go on there and go to nlcast.com or thatstorieshow.com if it’s way in the future and search for tips and
stories, I guess.
It’ll be there. Yeah. The SEO will find it
for you. Yes, it will. Just that was all our stories. We do have a couple of announcements. Hats are still available at Etsy.com slash NLCast. And I’m going to get stickers and key chains up there, but I didn’t do it this week. We need your list of, we need a list of your favorite stories. Okay? That’s what I wanna put out there. I’m gonna put this out on the social networks too, but we need to do a series of best of episodes. We’ve been requested this for years and I’ve never taken the plunge. So here’s the
deal. You need to send me an email, jamesnlcast.com and put in your favorite stories, but here’s the trick. And this is why I’ve never done it before, because it takes a little work. You need to know the episode and it helps to know the story’s name. And if you really love me, you’ll put a time code in. That’s where it is in the show. Because what I wanna do is I’ll hunt for it if you don’t have it. But if at least if you’ll tell me what episode number it’s on, I can go through and find
it. And if you can’t remember the story’s name, tell me what it’s about, you know, and we’ll do our best. So send that stuff to James at nlcast.com. I’ll be putting this out on the socials this week. So we wanna put together a series of best of stories. Cause occasionally when we can’t do a show in real time, I’d love to be able to release 1 of those at a time. And it would be really great to have them.
That’d be fun.
We got to fill up a few stories worth. So I think it’d be cool. So NL Cast.
Few episodes worth.
James at nlcast.com. This podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon. Supporting listeners get ad-free listening, swag and weekly bonus podcasts. Try it out free for 7 days at support.thatstorieshow.com. Again, that’s support.thatstorieshow.com. Special thanks to our producers, James Spangler, Kerry Wright, and Christopher Tine. And guys and girls, it’s time for us to get out of here. Do you have a funny life stories that you’d like featured on a future episode? Of course you do. Submit your story at thatstorieshow.com where you can type it in or talk it in. And while you’re there, join our
mailing list for the latest updates. Please take a moment and leave a review on iTunes or Spotify. And remember when something weird, annoying, embarrassing, or painful happens to you, don’t get stressed, don’t get depressed, And don’t use that Yeti!
Just think, hey, this belongs on that story show. We’ll see you guys next week. Bye, John. Bye.
All right, let’s see what I can do with this. We generally agree that your silence with your stance on things. We like placenta bowls. We think they should be set away on wings. But when your
son needs to pee so bad it stings, you gotta let him use a Yeti cause he already has to wet it. And I dumped it out the window cause my husband couldn’t face it. But just a little bit I’m sure we’ll never even taste it. I gave a good wash and just like that. It’s amazing. I do I get a pass to keep it or do I deserve a tasing? My husband can’t look at me but I did the same He did the same thing. His glasses fell off in the toilet of the park and a
poop cling. He gave it a good minute thinking it would take a swing and salvage those new Oakleys or should he just let him swirl the ring? He made a tough decision. He grabbed and touched something soft. He washed his specks in his hands, but he couldn’t get the crap off. At the subatomic level, we all know there’s a standoff between the Oakley molecules and the germs from the cough cough toilet. There’s a standard that we have on this show. So if you’re asking if it’s okay, then we’re gonna say no.
No!
Hahahaha